Tag: disappointed

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personal

Looking for silver linings

Got injured again so I’m trying to make the best of it
Columbus Circle before the rain

Me: (what I thought): Oh this won’t be good.
Me: (what I actually said): F________________!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it looks like I’ll have more time to blog the next few weeks since I’m going to be stuck in bed for a while.

Whenever we get a new guy in our gym, there’s a part of me that’s slightly worried because my worst – worst – injuries are from newbies.

11 years ago, I first joined a judo gym and this new guy walked in off the street and put me in what’s called a kimura. He then promptly tore my supraspinatus, which left me in traction for about six years.

Then a guy in my fencing class, after a month, disarmed me – in drilling – by tearing the sword from my hand and left my right wrist messed up for about 18 months.

Finally, there was that girl that went for an old injury despite being told not to go for it.

I think it has something to do with wanting to win. I’ve never been injured – or close to injured – by any of the older students. They want to win too but they’ve got control and know that if they really wanted to, they could win. So they don’t need to.

Yesterday, a new guy in the class did a pretty violent throw, which didn’t actually work, but did manage to completely jack up my knee.

For a second there, thought it was gonna be horrible insteada just really not good.

So now I’m sitting here writing to you with a brace and ice around my knee.

Still, for every negative, there’s usually some small positive.

This fella named Bill “Superfoot” Wall ofce has an impressive history – 21 fights, 20 wins, 1 draw, 0 losses. But he won this as a kickboxer after he was sidelined in a judo injury. Moreover, he learned to have a devastating left kick because he couldn’t use his right leg.

After my judo injury, took up fencing to fix my arm.

Then because of the injury in the right arm, I learned how to fence with my left. And I…am not left-handed.

So when I wrassle, my go to move is this – admittedly ridiculous looking – thing called a rubber guard. But I’m only proficient at it with my left leg because you need your right arm for it. In fact, just this past weekend, managed to put it on with my right leg only to realize it was completely unnatural. And it was unsuccessful.

Well, my left leg’s the one that’s jacked-up right now. So now I don’t think I can do it there for a while.

My brother, the doc, thinks it’s just a nasty sprain, as does my coach. But I’m out for a few weeks to a month.

In the meanwhile, suppose I’ll blog, work, and figure out how to start using my right leg for stuff. I also happen to be right-handed but left-footed for kicks so I can’t do that anymore either.

Note to self: Dude, you’re almost 40!

Rats.

Me: Do we still have that blue icepack?
Her: Maybe if you respected the organization of the freezer and didn’t just throw things in there, you’d know.
Me: Even when I’m injured, huh?
Her: (laughing) Let me get it for you.

Location: bed, looking at my purple knee
Mood: irritated
Music: well time slips away and leaves you with nothing mister
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Categories
personal

Disappointment

It’s really the disappointment that wears you down

Sitting on a street curb in NYC

 

Me: You don’t care at all about that? It’s part of what makes a woman attractive.
Him: (laughing) Some like the attic, some like the basement. I’m a basement man, you’re an attic man.
Me: Well, that’s certainly a colourful way of putting it.
Him: (sighing) I still love her, y’know. Even though she’s evil.
Me: She’s pure evil. (patting him on shoulder) But I know. It’ll get better.

Take a lot of classes. Classes for wrasslin, fencing, law, etc.

Was talking to one of my instructors the other day, who’s been doing his thing for 20 years. We’ve known each other maybe seven/eight years. Told me outta the blue that he’s gonna be calling it quits soon.

This surprised me.

Me: Why?
Him: I can’t take the disappointment any more.
Me: (confused) The disappointment of your students quitting? Or the disappointment of them not practicing? Or of them not caring?
Him: (nodding) Yes.

It’s sad but true. My friends don’t wanna date cause it’s really the disappointment that gets you. Others have stopped looking for work. Still others have stopped trying to take those chances.

It’s bound to happen some time. He’s in his late 50s so maybe it’s time.

Still, it kept me up the other night. Something about teachers requires that they hope that someone listens, someone cares – no matter how many times they’re disappointed. It’s a hard and often thankless job.

So, climbed outta bed and practiced quietly in the dark. 1, 2, 3…

Location: in the back room
Mood: pensive
Music: It’s too late – much too late, too late for the young gun
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Categories
personal

Numbers

Location: work with garbage trucks outside
Mood: busy!
Music: It’s a question of lust, it’s a question of trust

A couple in the NYC spring

Him: Dunno…it depends on how you count I guess. (thinking) Like 30 maybe?
Me: Jeez! (laughing) That why I don’t shake your hand, I might get the clap.
Him: So what I do?
Me: (sighing) Well, I suppose y’gotta just tell her the truth. I mean, you’re a whore, yeah. But it’s your past and what can y’really do about your past?
Him: Why does it matter so much? I don’t care.
Me: Y’don’t? What if she said sixty? Then you’d care a little, right?
Him: A little, sure. But cm’on…
Me: There’s always a price to pay. People always thought it was funny I didn’t hit every chance I had. But that’s cause I knew, someone might care someday. And this girlie cares. . So all y’can do is tell her that y’hope she can see past this but respects her decision if she can’t.

Hope it works out for him cause he finally found a girlie where it matters.

Off to New Joisey…

YASYCTAI: Update your address books. Some people gotta go. (120 mins/1 pt)

Categories
personal

Red Blood, Green Beer, Red Envelopes

A green Cipriani sign

 

Her: (annoyed) Please, you’ve kissed half of New York.
Me: The female half!
Her: (glares)
Me: (thinking) That probably wasn’t the right thing to say.

A fella I know opines that only the Irish should wear green on St. Patty’s day or wish another person a Happy St. Patty’s day. That’s just ridiculous.

That’s like saying no one should wish me a Happy Birthday on my birthday cause it’s my birthday not theirs.

Y’don’t say Happy _____ to make yourself feel good, y’say it for the listener.

Like if y’wish me a Happy Chinese New Year, I’d take it, regardlessa your race, creed or colour. Likewise, if I wish you a Happy Chinese New Year and you’re not Chinese, I’m ok with that and hope y’d be too.

Plus there’s green beer for one and red envelopes for the other. Both good things.

Next Chinese New Year, drinking green beer.

Or green rum. Or just regular rum.

Probably just regular rum.

Delicious rum.

———-

Y’ever watch CSI or Dexter where they shine that light all over the place to show if there’s blood splatter to indicate a crime occurred?

My pad’d glow like a teenage rave party. There was:

  • the time I sliced open my foot two hours before a vacation on a piece of glass (emergency room).
  • the time I fell down my stairs and smashed my face in, almost bleeding out (emergency room).
  • the time I sliced my hand in the kitchen (emergency room).
  • the time(s) I performed surgery on myself in the bathroom. (almost emergency room).
  • the time I killed the mouse in my other bathroom.
  • all of times I get knocked around wrestling or fencing.
  • today.

Should never live without a roommate.

On another point entirely, my insurance rate just went up. They must be reading this blog. I better buy an inexpensive burial insurance before it’s too expensive for me to even afford my own death.

Well, at least someone’s reading.

Location: yest, 7PM, looking for gauze on Broadway
Mood: bleeding
Music: you cut me open and I keep bleeding

Categories
personal

Juggling

Location: 23:00 yest, an orange chair
Mood: tired
Music: I don’t have a simple answer

Have y’noticed the disturbing trend in commercials and movies where people’re in a car and then another car comes outta nowhere and just smashes them up? I can relate.

S’for the shock value, yeah. But it does illustrate a point: y’never can tell what’s gonna happen, good or bad.

Finally got some significant scratch from a gig I did ages ago. Cannot tell you how excited I was about that.

But then another, unpleasant, thing popped up unexpectedly from a different area of my life. And I’m back to square one.

Juggling your health, wealth and relationships‘s never easy.

Sorry this post’s late, been busy. Juggling, y’see…

YASYCTAI: Get a prioritization system. (45 mins/1 pt)

Categories
personal

Mrs. Reynolds, Johnny Handsome, and Psalm 33:10

Location: 4 hours ago, getting caught in the rain
Mood: depressed
Music: Now up and at em it’s on, I was raised to be strong

A church in downtown NYC.

Me: Hello, you don’t remember me, but I was in your French class in seventh grade. My name’s Logan…

Ran into her last year grabbing a bite to eat near the rents. She was in a shop trying to get an old pair of glasses fixed. Pulled out this beat up purse and dug through for $20 to pay the guy.

She was laid off years ago. No one wanted to learn French anymore. The only reason I did was because of pretty girlie named Yvey in her class. But I digress.

She didn’t have $20 and they didn’t take Amex, which is all I had. So she put her glasses, held together with tape, back on her face.

———-

Me: I did terribly in French. You told me after the year was over that I was just one of those people that would never be good at languages.
Her: Did I? I’m sorry, that was mean.
Me: (laughing) Don’t be. Because of what you said, I taught myself three languages. One I still sorta remember. (gently) Y’made me try to be better than I was. You were a good teacher. And you were nice to me – not many people were back then.

Her: (quietly) Thank you. I wish they’d let me teach again.

———-

Had an awful day today and thought of the above cause here’s what I was thinking that day: I used to have coin. And now I didn’t even have a lousy 20 bucks to help out this little old lady.

My birthday’s coming up. Never woulda imagined I’d be where I am at 35. Want so bad to be better than I was. Maybe it’s not in the cards.

Me: It’s me. That gig still open?
Him: Logan? Nah, man. But someone always needs a favour, yeah? So…y’back?
Me: Yeah.

Don’t worry. Not gonna whine. Just lemme say that it sucks when you realize that the saying’s totally true: Men plan; God laughs.

And the Devil? He’s always waits.

YASYCTAI: Watch Johnny Handsome. Cause sometimes, they’ll never let you any better than you are. (90 mins/1 pt)

Categories
personal

Taking the Fall

Location: 12 hours ago, getting choked on 27th
Mood: bruised
Music: Maybe the only choice we’ve ever got is how to take the fall

Chinatown in NYC

My weekend started off just terrible but it improved greatly.

Said it so many times before, all of life’s problems can be divided up into health, wealth and relationships. Y’just need one of those to be off-kilter to be bent outta shape. Well, my weekend started with all three undone. Guess all three had to do with disappointments.

What do you think is worse? Hoping and being disappointed or never hoping at all? I always go back and forth on that one.

But saw my blue sky and my girl so it got better. Plus baked a pan of lasagna and how bad can life really be with a fresh, hot pan of lasagna?

This week, gonna be 1/3 of the way through to getting my mouth repaired. And I’m trying to land this client. So maybe I can get the other two straightened out.

Even if I don’t, suppose the trying is worth something. Heartgirl doesn’t think I’m optimistic but I think I am. I’m, thankfully, stupid like that.

Me: Hey, let’s look at apartments we can’t afford.
Her: It’s always good to dash dreams on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Me: So we’re in agreement then.

A pan of homemade lasagna

YASYCTAI: See some open houses this weekend. Just cause it’s nice to dream. (120 mins/1 pts)

Categories
personal

Darned

I don’t have bad luck, just strange luck

New York Skyline

Was shopping recently with a friend when I got a surprise coupon – youdidn’t know how much off you got until you got up to the register. Between 5 and 50%. Just gave it to my friend since I’m sans scratch.

Her: Because I could only use one, I thought about your luck. With your luck, your coupon probably was really valuable since you gave away.
Me: And?
Her: 40% off – the guy at the counter hadn’t seen one before.
Me: (sighing) Of course not.

And my building was recently jacked. Not my pad, which is good, however, as condo president and onea the guys that runs the place, I’m out more coin than the guy that got robbed.

And I got hit with a yet another court hearing. Plus a bevy of other things you wouldn’t believe if I told you.

On the plus side, I’ve been working on this thesis thingy for the past 24 months – almost to the day. Finally figured out this problem that was bugging me for five months. Turned out to be a formatting error. A stupid formatting error. Wanted to both hit something and jump for joy when I found it.

I got the kinda luck where I spend a dollar to win a dollar.

Some people’re damned. Me? I swear I’m darned.

Location: 13:10 yest, getting choked on 28th
Mood: disappointed
Music: been wondering why It’s only me

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personal

Glory Days

I know something you don’t know

Inigo Montoya: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Man in Black: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo Montoya: Because I know something you don’t know.

When you get beat up as often as I did as a kid, you either get all decked out in black and go Columbine, or you just learn how to fight. And for those of you that know me, I never do anything half-assed.

Bryson’s one of my best friends and was a striker like me. He outweighed me by 20-40 pounds but I was fast and flexible. We were always toe-to-toe. Until he started grappling. So I started too.

Then, a little after 9/11, I got injured. A kimura gone horribly wrong. Doc said I could either get surgery and lose 10% of my range of motion or rehab it and lose as little as 2%. Chose the latter. He said it’d take up to four years. It took seven. Stopped watching NHB stuff cause it made me sad. Didn’t wanna be one of those guys that spent his time talking about his glory days.

During those seven years, Bryson worked to the point that he’s a Pan-American Bronze Medalist. And he knew something his opponents didn’t – that as good as he was on the ground, he was even better on his feet. I knew that. My jaw knew that. Me? I stopped. Got fat. Settled down with a girlie.

The only place I’m still better than Bryson’s with a sword. But even then, he’s almost my match. We both know he’s better than me, he’s just too polite to ever say it. Some days, forget that I’m 35. Then my body reminds me. The last time I felt good about my right lead was in the mid-90s.

We spoke recently and he told me that he just got a similar injury. He finds out next week if he can roll again. I understood. Told him that he got seven years on me and he agreed. Small comfort, I know.

After we got off the phone, sat back and remembered when we weren’t old men. Instead, we’re in the muddy backyard of my college house. He’d swing on by, we’d laugh. Then we’d knuckle up and roll.

Man in Black: And what is that?
Inigo Montoya: I…am not left-handed.

Location: my parent’s living room
Mood: nostalgic
Music: hope when I get old I don’t sit around thinking about it

Categories
dating personal

We make rules for a reason

I’m always alright

Me: Is it that you don’t want a relationship or you don’t want a relationship with me?
Her: (pause) Couldn’t take another failed relationship, Logan. I can’t. (looking at me) Are you alright?

My fishes keep committing suicide. They jump outta the tank and flop around my floor. They did it tonight when someone was over and she screamed. Dammit, I’m down to one George.

Met up with some blue eyes on Friday to a downtown rooftop where I took a picture of the pier above.

Met up with some green eyes on Saturday where I went to the pier above and took the picture below of the rooftop I was on Friday. My life goes in these funny circles.

PCD made me laugh recently. She kept her promise to stick around. Heartgirl told me that we’re not dating cause we’re beyond that. So I told her she should wind up and swing. She said she couldn’t. Said I understood – but only cause I didn’t wanna know. Trust me when I tell you, you never wanna know why.

Have a secret I’ll tell you someday. But not now. For now, I repeat that my life goes in circles. Said it before, you keep doing what you do, you keep getting what you get. Keep getting what I get cause I keep breaking my rules.

You know why you have rules? You have rules so you don’t have to think. The decision was made a long time ago when someone, hopefully you, were thinking clearly. I’m always tired – never think clearly anymore.

I just keep screwing things up cause I keep breaking my rules.

The girl that screamed went to church with me tonight and walked me home. Just before George jumped outta the tank, she also asked me if I was alright. So I turned to her and put on my best face.

Me: I’m always alright.

 

Sometimes if you put something into the aether, it becomes true and it’s a good thing. I am alright. Just gotta follow my rules. I’m always alright. George on the other hand…

Location: home
Mood: awake
Music: Don’t wanna leave you but I can’t stay anymore.