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personal

The choices we make

A matter of inches

Me: (seeing a pic of the Firecracker) You were so young back then!
Her: Yup – now look at me. I’m with a very old Chinese man.
Me: Well, I wouldn’t say very old.
Her: Right. Because you’re not doing back exercises eight times a day and buying orthopedic butt supports?
Me: …
Her: Yeah…

The Firecracker was kind enough to surprise me with a back brace the other day for my crap back.

Gone from rolling around and fighting 20-somethings to sitting in cushioned chairs wherever I go and wearing a back brace.

On that note, I’ve also started seeing a chiropractor to add to my stable of doctors, physical therapists, and general clinicians.

Oddly, the first thing I thought of when I got the brace was the presidency and both Trump and JFK.

The assassin that missed Trump missed ending his life by perhaps an inch in several directions.

Between when the gunman pulled the trigger and when the bullet hit, enough time had passed that Trump shifted his head just enough to be merely grazed.

Contrast that with JFK, who was killed on the killer’s second bullet.

This is meaningful because the first bullet shoulda caused JFK to fall forward, as it did his companion John Connally, but it didn’t.

Because JFK was wearing a back brace due to his own major back issues.

A back brace changed the world.

Always find it so interesting that so much of life for the world writ large hinges on these rando choices we all make.

Then again, I should probably think longer about some of the choices I make.

Her: (cleaning and dancing about when I enter the room) How are you feeling?
Me: Eh, ok, I guess. (pausing) What are you doing?
Her: My sexy cleaning dance.
Me: Oh, when’s it gonna start?
Her: God, you’re so rude!

I should probably think longer about some of the choices I make.

Location: home at a hot pot get-together
Mood: ache-y still
Music: Woo hoo just a little bit of c’mon bring that back (Spotify)
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Showing up

What it means for a kid

It’s been a super-busy few weeks.

The kid had a party at his school the other day, so I went there.

I was just five mins late when I arrived.

He was so happy to see me that he yelled out, “Papa!” and then ran to me when I walked in; all the other parents and kids turned to look.

It made me think of alla kids whose parents don’t come to these things.

Him: You came!
Me: I said I would come!
Him: I know, I just…let me show you my diorama!

Don’t think that most people – myself included – really understand how much it means for a kid to have a parent show up for these types of things.

Hope that, when he’ll inevitably be mad at me, he remembers that I tried my best to be there.

@happiestofficial The moment she realised… 🥺 #fyp #foryoupage #showingupmatters #momlife #corememory #christmas ♬ Married Life (From “Up”) – Sergy el Som

On a different note entirely, I’d left a few things at Steel’s pad the prior week so we found ourselves back there again, with the kids swimming while I fixed a computer issue that was bothering them.

Of course, Steel cooked up a storm:

Him: These are some fried gnocchi with some sauce to dip it in.
Me: I’ve never had them before.
Him: Me neither but they sounded good.
Me: (trying one) Dammit, they are. I gotta stop eating so many carbs.
Him: Try a cookie – that’s a new recipe too – there are sprinkles on and in the cookie.
Me: Oh man…

Because of what happened at the Surgeon’s pad a while back, he bought a crate of an assortment of seriously top-shelf rum that I thoroughly enjoyed.

He also gave me a jar of oregano that was grown by a family friend of his in Greece.

Cannot describe how amazing it smells.

Went home and immediately made some Greek Lemon Chicken, which ranked among the best I’ve ever made.

All-in-all, it was a good weekend, although I am getting concerned with how much I’ve been eating these days.

I’ll fix that in 2025.

Location: waiting at my desk to head to two more food things – I’m gonna be huge soon.
Mood: thinking skinny thoughts
Music: Time moves fast and slow, changing not at all then changed before we know it (Spotify)
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The duty of a champion

No such thing as a parttime champion

There’s a quote by a modern stoic named Ryan Holiday that I particularly like: The obligation of a champion is to act like a champion at all times.

Don’t think I’ve ever lost my cool and was happy about the results. If I can give the kid anything, hopefully, it’s a better sense of being calm and calculated.

To this end, I personally have been re-reading (ok, skimming) Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and also other stoic books here and there in the hopes that all this anger at the injustice of Alison and my dad’s suffering and deaths somehow becomes more manageable.

It’s a daily struggle, I have to admit.

One really sweet thing that we’ve been doing here at Casa Lo is to have regular board game nights with the kids.

It’s a small and silly thing but one that I appreciate greatly because children – at this age and younger – learn so much in competition and games.

Forgot to take pics, so I took the pic from this old entry in 2011 with Alison at Paul’s old pad.

We’ve been playing a few card games as well as board games, particularly what we call The Bean Game – addictively fun – and Settlers of Catan.

Both boys are pretty competitive but, because my son is younger, he’s still dealing with the emotions that come with winning and losing.

One night, recently, the kid had a particularly bad night and lost his cool, so I brought him to his room to have a chat with him.

I think I want what every good parent wants: For one’s children to be better than they are.

Hope I have enough time here to accomplish that.

After all, if we’re being honest here, it’s really the main reason I’m here.

Me: What’s the obligation of a champion, boy?
Him: To act like a champion.
Me:…at all times. Don’t forget that last part: At all times.
Him: But you lose your temper too, papa!
Me: I’m aware. I’m working on that. And that’s kinda my point: You can be better than me. And I want you to be better than me. Listen, if you act like a musician, with enough practice, you’ll be one. If you act like a BJJ player, you’ll be one. And if you act like a champion, you’ll be one. But you have to do it at all times. There’s no such thing as a parttime champion.

Location: rainy NYC
Mood: ache-y
Music: we mean to go on and on and on and on (Spotify)
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A birthday at Upland

These different capacities

My buddy around the way had a major milestone birthday the other day, right after we’d gone swimming over at Steel’s.

So, the Firecracker and I rushed home – already stuffed – to change to meet up with them.

The party was in a restaurant across the street from Alison’s office, so I had a few moments in my head, but we’ll just end that part of the story there.

When we arrived, the Maitre’d brought up to the lower level, which my friends had taken over for the party.

The Firecracker and I got to sit with the birthday boy, which I was super flattered by.

Me: I met Dave like 27 years ago.
Him: No, it was 24 and a half years ago – I know this because we met the day I started at this company and I’m coming up on 25 years soon.
Me: (laughing) I stand corrected.

Tried my best to not eat that much at Steel’s because I knew the food here wouldn’t disappoint…

…and it assuredly didn’t.

I was asked to say a few words, so I did.

This woman once said, Good things happen slowly, bad things happen fast. You don’t really know who’s gonna be important in your life and how life is gonna unfold until years go by. And somehow 25 years have passed. There are at least four people in this room that didn’t exist when we first met….I knew him [first] as a co-worker, and then my drinking buddy in the neighborhood – (to kids) we drank a lotta water – now I see him as a father, as a husband, and all these other things and it’s wonderful to see. It’s wonderful to see your friends in these different capacities that you didn’t know they were capable of.

Everything I said was true.

(c) Ken Landau

RE Mike was there, along with his wife, and so many other people that I met throughout the years.

I gotta say, the very best thing about getting older is the friends that keep you company along the way.

There was a killer premium open bar but, ever since the Surgeon’s party, I’ve been wary about overindulging…

…although I did cheat a bit on my no/low-carb rule and had a touch of cake.

There’s a lot more that happened but those are all other people’s stories so I’ll just say that we had an amazing time.

The Firecracker and I took a long walk from the East Side to the West Side, stopping at Madison Square Park to look at the tree…

…and take some pictures.

Her: Thanks for always including me to these kinda things.
Me: (puzzled) Of course. We’re a team.
Her: (smiling) I like that.
Me: Plus, I like to show you off. You’re super hot.
Her: (laughing)

Location: home, sans kids, cooking for the Firecracker
Mood: chilly
Music: We got talking about the past, I even made you laugh (Spotify)
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Swimming in the sky

Sweating garlic

My buddy Steel has a swimming pool in his apartment building just like my sister-in-law does.

And just like her place, it’s way up high in the building so there are some spectacular views everywhere.

So, the other day, the Firecracker and I headed there with the kids to hang out with their kids.

View from the swimming pool

The kids all had a grand time…

…but Steel is also one of the best cooks/bakers I know.

His kid had garlic knots the other day and wanted him to make some for him. So, he did and they were amazing.

He was not stingy with the garlic.

Me: (sarcastically) You know, I think you could have put in even more garlic.
Him: (showing me the mixing bowl) I was gonna put all this in when I decided against it.
Me: I’m already sweating garlic.

Afterward, he also ordered some Dave’s Hot Chicken for us all.

While he was doing all that, I was trying to fix a laptop, to no avail as I didn’t have the right parts.

Steel, meanwhile, decided to bake two rustic loaves of bread from scratch.

How that family isn’t a million pounds is beyond me.

Maybe they swim a lot?

The Surgeon and his kids were there so I finally got to tell him what his party did to my stomach and vacation.

Me: I literally left my DNA all over Manhattan, Brooklyn, and that ship because of you.
Him: (shrugging) I’d do it again.
Me: Harumph!

Ended up taking Steel’s laptop back home to try and fix and he gave us one of the two loaves he just baked to bring home as well.

Me: We can’t take that.
Her: (shrugging) It’s fresh homemade bread. I’m taking it. You don’t have to eat it.
Me: We both know I don’t have that kinda willpower.

In any case, as fun a time as we were all having, I had to run to my other buddy’s birthday party around the way.

I’ll tell you all about it in the next entry.

Location: The gym, for the first time in months.
Mood: sore
Music: standing out here, soaking wet. Could you just let me in? (Spotify)
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Thanksgiving 2024: Linner by mine

Really great

For the first time in 27 years, my mom and my sister and her family came to my pad for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Thank you for inviting us!
Me: Are you kidding? I can’t believe you’re here!

We had to do it early, though, because the Firecracker had to get her kid to her ex’s for the late afternoon.

This meant that my family all would be arriving at 1:30 to eat and I wanted food ready for them.

This meant that the Firecracker and I got up mad early and got to work.

Continuing with Alison’s tradition of making chicken instead of turkey – which is now my tradition and my mom and sister’s as well – I made that Parthian Chicken dish for them.

It took me two days because I wanted to get it just right.

Plus, I made two of them.

They came out perfectly!

I meant to take pictures of both of them but we were all starving and could barely take the pictures that we did.

I also made some mac and cheese for the boys – my sister has two boys, I have the boy, and the Firecracker has a son as well.

That was a huge hit with them, as was the chicken for everyone else.

And I got them some dumplings, which were actually not as much a hit with the boys as I’d hoped.

As was the mashed potatoes that the Firecracker made completely from scratch.

Her: We have a five pound bag of potatoes. How many should I make.
Me: Five?
Her: (shrugging) OK, five pounds of mashed potatoes, coming up.

She also made a broccoli casserole, which I love, from scratch, as well as some beef with broccoli, Chinese-style, but from a kit.

My sis made an absolutely delicious low-carb chocolate cake while my brother-in-law made a killer apple and cranberry pie.

I insisted that they take the pie home because: (a) I prefer pie to cake, (b) it was legit delicious – I was very impressed – but not low-carb so I knew I would eat the entire thing if left in my house.

We were all stuffed in short order.

The kids got to play a bit while the rest of us just chatted and caught up.

We were done pretty early and my family were on the road before dinnertime, along with lots of leftovers for everyone.

Firecracker: You mom said I should bring something to my ex.
Me: Yeah, you should. (thinking) OMG, give him some potatoes. We can’t have it in the house.
Her: Cause you’ll eat it?
Me: Cause I’ll eat it.

Had a chance to talk to my mom before she left.

Me: So, what did you think, mom?
Her: You gave me so much food! Normally, I would eat a lot less but I wanted to make you happy.
Me: Honestly, I’m just glad you came.
Her: Oh, we’ll come again!
Me: That would be great, mom. It’d be really great. Thanks for coming.

Location: The gym, for the first time in months.
Mood: sore
Music: Wish that I was somewhere with you (Spotify)
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A pre-holiday party

Freedom, yeah!

After Alison died, I really retreated into myself and made a lot of new connections, most of which are gone now for one reason or another.

But I continued to be invited out to things by my friends, despite my usual reluctance to leave the house.

With the Firecracker, though, I feel like I’m back in the world again.

To wit, The NFL Player invited us all to his pad for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner party so off we all went.

Thor was also there, which made for some interesting conversation.

Thor’s Wife: I’ve had a few drinks, so I was wondering if the stereotype is true.
Firecracker: (showing up) What’s the conversation?
Thor: We’re talking about Logan and his [stuff].
Her: Oh, that? Pleasantly surprised. Not all stereotypes are true.
Thor: Yup.
Me: I asked you to keep that to yourself, Thor.

Needed a lot more alcohol after that as that was the topic of conversation for longer than I woulda wanted.

Having said that, I stuffed myself silly as there was an entire tray of smoked brisket.

Legit, I regret that I ran outta room to put more of it into me.

The NFL Player lives right on Central Park West with a killer view of the parade path.

This meant that, on the walk home, the kids got to run around in the streets – which were closed off – and fully took advantage of that.


My kid is yelling, “Freedom!!!” here.

It was a great night and everyone went home completely stuffed.

But Thanksgiving was the very next day and my family was coming over for the very first time, ever.

Location: my desk, wondering if I should take the gig
Mood: ache-y
Music: If legends are loud and built to stand out (Spotify)
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BBQ downtown

Never a bad thing

On the heels of dinner with my college friends, I also had two nice dinner events prior to Thanksgiving.

The first was with the Firecracker and her family. They’re all huge fans of Korean and Japanese BBQ, so we all headed downtown to Gyu-Kaku in Astor Place.

Me: I’ve been here before; it used to be a Korean restaurant like 15 years ago. I guess Gyu-Kaku took over the lease and make it Japanese.
Him: Makes sense, everything’s already done.

We ended up doing the all-you-can-eat option and that worked out great as the food was excellent and my appetite remained on point.

Me: I’m gonna order more food before we run outta time.
Her: (after I ordered) You ordered FOUR plates of food? We’re all stuffed.
Me: Oh, those are just for me.
Her: You’re gonna eat four plates of food by yourself?
Me: Looks that way.

And I did.

Wanna say that she was impressed but I’m not sure that’s the appropriate adjective to describe how she felt as I ate four full plates of food on top of all the other food we ordered.

We also got a beer tower to round things out, as well as some sochu…

…and the kids – and Firecracker – got s’more for dessert.

Her: So, you’ll eat four additional plates of food but you’re gonna draw the line at s’mores?
Me:…yes? I do have some standards.

All-in-all, it probably wasn’t the best night for my waistline but good for everything else.

If nuthin else, it was more memories for the kid to have.

And that’s never a bad thing.

Location: the kid’s jits class, sitting on a pillow for my back
Mood: old
Music: Every day I’m gonna celebrate, even when it’s not that sweet (Spotify)
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November Rain

Just happy to be invited

I write about my college friends with regularity here and have since the very beginning.

We don’t actually see each other as a group all that often – much more often one-on-one – but we all come together when we can.

And when we must.

We chipped in for flowers.

I hate funerals.

Never went to Alison’s and barely survived my dad’s.

But, as the years go on, I find myself at them more and more often.

One of our core group’s parents passed away the other day.

Him: Can you make it?
Me: Of course I’ll be there.

So, we all met up and went to the funeral together.

One guy drove in all the way from Virginia just to pay his respects.

After a spell, we stepped out to get a drink…

…before heading out for food.

The details aren’t in my story to tell, so lemme pivot and just tell you that I count myself quite lucky that I have these people in my life.

You never really think of the value of good friends when you’re a kid and only realize it when the time comes to need good friends.

Him: Logan – always thinking of food.
Me: This is, sadly, so very true.

I have a running joke with the fellas where, no matter how many times I’m invited out, I always say, “I’m finally invited to something!”

Been doing that for over 30 years with them but the reason I say that is that I’m genuinely always happy to just be included.

As a kid growing up with zero friends, it’s nice that to belong somewhere.

What is life if not looking for where we belong? Who our tribes are?

And the tribe always shows up when needed.

Couldn’t stay the whole night because I had to get the kid from a school event, but it was so good seeing everyone, despite the circumstances.

Me: (to buddy that came from Virginia) You gotta come up more often than once every 20 years.
Him: I’ll come back.
Me: Yeah, please. Under much better circumstances.

Location: earlier today, a tenant’s apartment on the second floor, trying to figure out if I needed to bleed the radiator
Mood: grateful
Music: We’ve been through this such a long long time, just tryin’ to kill the pain (Spotify)
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Big Apple Circus, Pt 2

44 years between shows

The rest of the acts were all equally amazing.

There was the acrobat that dangled above the hard floor without a net…

…and then reappeared later to hang off her partner’s neck.

Me: Man, my back hurts just watching that.
Him: (laughs)

Oh, speaking of backs, on the walk there, we were all getting drenched, but it was also destroying my back sitting there for a solid hour.

Me: (to the usher) Hey man, I’ve got a crap back. Can I do some squats in the hallway?
Him: (laughing) Sure. Sorry to hear about your back.
Me: (nodding and starting to do some squats) Yeah, I’m sorry to say it. Getting older stinks but is still better than the alternative.

There was only one animal act (dogs) versus what I remember as kids, but otherwise, it was still a lot of what I remember as a kid.

There were jugglers…

…tightrope walkers…

…aerialists…

…and clowns.

The boys were dying laughing with the clowns.

Walking home was absolutely brutal because the rain plus sitting for two hours destroyed my back.

But it was all worth it because the kids were so jazzed about seeing the circus for the first time.

Me: What did you think?
Him: I loved it! Can we go again?
Me: Sure, maybe next year?
Him: A whole year!?!
Me: Hey, I waited 44 years between shows.
Him: 44…?! Wow…you’re so old.

Location: about to head out to Japanese BBQ with the Firecracker’s family
Mood: beat tired
Music: sometimes the truth is harder than the pain (Spotify)
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