Looking for a way out
Her: Should we do it?
Me: We might not get it. It might not work. It also might hurt you and set us back. But if it does work, it’ll give you the best shot at a normal life.
Her: And if it doesn’t?
We had a quiet Thanksgiving. Her mom and sister were here.
Didn’t really enjoy it as much as I could have because a month earlier, got a bill for $802.12 from a hospital. Was fighting it when the hospital turned around and submitted a bill for $96,662.80 to us just before the holidays. Something else to battle.
Then again, if I had known they’d change it from $802.12 to $96,662.80, maybe I’d have just paid it.
On somewhat related note, we had another MRI this past week. Her scans are stable again; unchanged from September.
While this is good news, just like the last time, was hoping for shrinkage.
If you’ve never seen an MRI, cancer shines like a white neon light, against a background of grey. It’s unmistakable.
As always, those two bits of cancer lit up. Also as always, felt that gnawing fear in my belly.
Here’s the thing, the alternative of stability could have easily been growth. And these are much smaller bits versus the grapefruit-sized tumor in her head initially.
We’ve been doing some pretty highly experimental stuff for the past year, which might explain why the scans are stable. Now I’m pushing for her to try some even more potent stuff.
Every decision, wonder if it’s the right one and I wonder if I’ll regret not being content with what we have. The $802.12 versus the $96,662.80. Tofua versus London.
But only for a moment. We have to push against this damn thing because it’s always pushing against us.
Years ago, wrote about Teddy Roosevelt who said to always try because the person that tries:
at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring, at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
If there’s anything she does, she tries. She dares, greatly. F__k this thing.
Me: Then we’ll find another way.
Her: (thinking) I want to try.
Me: (nodding) I knew you would. Thank you.
One of my other atomic bombs went off.
I’d really like 2016 to be over already.
Location: waiting for the dentist
Music: It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain