My So-Called Thermonuclear Life

Can’t tell you the other two insane stories that take up the other 2/3s of my time, energy, and emotion. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway. Not sure I believe it.

The other destructive elements of my life

World War II bomber in NYC
When the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, over 129,000 people were killed in moments.

I’ve met lots of people throughout the years that think that the technology of mass destruction stopped in 1945; that when we talk of nuclear weapons, we’re talking about the types of weapons that we used in World War II – 70 years ago. Unfortunately, that’s so terrifyingly far from the truth that it’s laughable. The bombs that killed those 129,000 people are now just tiny cogs in current thermonuclear weapons.

In fact, current thermonuclear bombs use the atomic bomb technology as just a trigger. See that image there where it says “fission bomb?” That’s an atomic bomb within a thermonuclear bomb.

Thermonuclear bomb

Think of a flintlock pistol; the atomic bomb would be equal to that tiny spark that the flint makes versus the bullet.

The situation with Alison is a thermonuclear bomb in my life. Yet I have two other things that are happening in my life that, individually, would be atomic bombs.

Each one of these three things has changed the course of my life forever. Each of these things would take up the entirety of this blog if not for Alison’s situation.

The thing is, this blog has always been my story. Always tried to respect the wishes of people that didn’t want to be part of it. So I can’t tell you the other two stories that take up the other 2/3s of my time, energy, and emotion.

You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway. Because I’m not sure I believe it.

And I just received some soul-destroying atomic news about one of the other stories this week.

Me: Did it…did it go well?
Her: (long pause) No. The doctor said there was nothing he could do.
Me: So what now?
Her: We wait. (sighing) And hope.
Me: That’s all I do these days.
Her: Don’t break. Your son needs you.
Me: He’s the only reason I don’t break.



Location: a very dark place
Mood: destroyed
Music: life is hard. It’s misery from the start. It’s dull and slow and painful.

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12 replies on “My So-Called Thermonuclear Life”

Been reading for a long time now, since Livejournal (no idea how long ago that was, now). If there’s anyone that can roll with these Mike Tyson KO-sized punches, its you.

Currently dealing with something that turned my life upside down as well; girlfriend was given a life sentence in prison. There’s things I can do, and I do everything I can, but it the grand scheme of things it feels like so little.

Just wanted to say that, as someone who has been handed some ridiculously bad hands, I get it, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I shot you an email when I read this comment, I’m not sure if it ever went through. Let me know if it did or didn’t?

I wrote because your comment really came out of left field and we’re corresponded in the past. Is this the same woman you were with all those years ago?

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I never know how we’re ever going to make it past another day and yet we somehow do.

Logan, I have been reading every post with hope and a heavy heart. Hang in there. Your little man needs as much positive light as you can shine for him. As someone who has been through their fair amount of hard times…. I can’t exactly say I know how you feel or even close to knowing… but I feel so much for you two…three…
Sending lots of love and light your way. I hope you are finding the comfort you need in some way.

Logan, DON’T you believe there’s no hope. Just because the doctor says so?? Who is he to tell you that??! Don’t you believe it! When YOU believe there’s no hope, that’s when it’s over. There ARE options that can bring hope back into your lives! Please don’t give up! I pray every day – multiple times – that God would show you a way-to give you wisdom in finding a way of healing that will allow Alison to raise her son. Please look up-there’s no where else to look! The doctors aren’t giving you hope so you have to look elsewhere. HE will show you where-all you have to do is ask. He is waiting . PLEASE don’t give up! He asks us to cast our cares upon Him because He cares for us so much. Please don’t lose sight of this. He is the God of the impossible. “With God, ALL things are possible!” It is written, “Be still & know that I am God.”I pray that you will find a way in the midst of all this black muck! ❤️

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