Cleaning up so well

Roaring back

The kid touches the TV sometimes when he sees something he likes. He thinks it’s real, that he can reach out and hold what’s on the screen. It’s cute.

A little while ago, I bought some fractions of bitcoin to get some medications for Alison. Been checking the monumental rise of it so I wanted to clean up my accounts.

The site I use requires a copy of your driver’s license to do some higher level stuff and I usually have a copy of such things on my computer.

So I did a simple search for “license” and came across a picture that Alison musta taken right after we got married. I copied all her stuff onto my computer to look at some day, you see.

Don’t recall it at all. It’s of our marriage license, our rings, and the bouquet she had.

I was doing really well, all things considered. My brother, his best friend, and PB met the Gymgirl recently cause we all went out one night last week.

And I managed to get through Thanksgiving without losing it, which surprised me greatly.

Yet, when that picture popped up, found myself touching my cold monitor hoping that I could reach out and hold it. Like I was some stupid kid.

So the rage and sadness comes roaring back and gotta go into my blue bathroom to turn on the water and scream for a bit before going to the liquor cabinet to pour myself a glass of rum.

Found my wedding ring a few weeks back too. It’s like getting repeatedly punched in your soul. Repeatedly.

F__k. I was cleaning up so well.

Me: I’m sorry I talk about her so much.
Gymgirl: Don’t be. I like hearing about her.


Here’s a kick in the head: While drinking my rum with ice, realized that I have a cracked tooth that I musta gotten while wrestling at some point recently.

Man. Can’t even have a goddamn glass of rum in peace…

Location: in front of another cold screen and cold glass of rum
Mood: the usual hell
Music: Hope dangles on a string. Like slow-spinning redemption
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5 thoughts on “Cleaning up so well”

  1. Gymgirl sounds good for you Logan. The more you talk about Alison, the better you will feel I think. It sounds like you have good people around you. Alison was and is and will continue to be a beautiful blessing in your life. Having people to talk to openly and honestly about your emotions, memories, hopes, regrets and anything else you want to laugh, cry, rage, shout and reminisce about is a freeing, healing, beautiful gift 😊

  2. Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me is a lovely song I think, especially these words:

    You were my strength when I was weak
    You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
    You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
    You saw the best there was in me
    Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
    You gave me faith ’cause you believed
    I’m everything I am
    Because you loved me

    You gave me wings and made me fly
    You touched my hand, I could touch the sky
    I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
    You said no star was out of reach
    You stood by me and I stood tall
    I had your love, I had it all
    I’m grateful for each day you gave me
    Maybe I don’t know that much
    But I know this much is true
    I was blessed because I was loved by you

  3. I hope you are ok Logan. You haven’t posted for a while. I hope that means that you are busy and you don’t have time to post. I am missing your updates! I am following you on Instagram. I was on and off it for a while. I think I’ll stay on it. I am enjoying taking and uploading photographs. I learnt how to add music to Instagram photographs yesterday. The app is cool 😎

    1. Heya – thanks for all the comments!

      Yes, I’ve been just occupied with life. As you can see from my latest entry, the past few weeks have been pretty rough. I’ve been trying my best to keep up appearances for the kid, but really, I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep until mid-2018.

      I need to use Instagram more, I think. The hope is that, in the new year, I’ll be able to a lot more fun and frivolous things like that.

      1. Thank you for replying 😊

        Instagram can be for serious and unfrivolous posts too I think, life is life!

        If you curl up into a ball and sleep until mid 2018, that would be a mammoth recovery from insomnia 😊

        I hope the next few weeks are more bearable than the last few weeks.

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