Most things, anyway
Her: I don’t think that there’s a way to keep those monitors on the desk safely, Logan.
Me: (looking at them) Dammit. You’re right.
I’ve not been sleeping again.
My last entry, wrote about how well I’d been sleeping. I took this new med and it was, like all the other times, a miracle drug. Was able to sleep like a brick for six or seven hours a night for almost three weeks.
And then it just stopped. Like all the other times.
Of course, there are other things involved. Last week was three years after Alison first collapsed.
That went even worse than I imagined it would for a number of reasons that we don’t need to get into now.
And then a comment from a dear friend from the mother’s group made me re-analyze the pad.
See, Alison and I set up one room as a nursery/home office. To this end, there were two huge 27″ monitors in the front room that wasn’t a danger to the kid when he wasn’t walking around.
But he is now. And grabbing everything.
So, with the Gymgirl’s help, I moved Alison’s old desk from our bedroom to the office and vice-versa. I kept it together as best I could but I think the Gymgirl noticed all the sighing.
Gymgirl: You ok?
It’s hard. And to top it all off, the Gymgirl and I are also not really communicating.
It’s like she speaks Russian and I speak Chinese and we can’t make ourselves understood to the other. Ironically, I’m actually one of her few boyfriends that speaks English well.
But we can’t seem to get through to each other. Which also makes me sad because when we do actually communicate, it’s amazing.
Gymgirl: Tell me about her.
Me: You don’t mind?
Her: Never. What was the most special thing about her?
Me: She organized my home by giving everything a place. She had a place for everything: pillows, tape, forks, everything had a place in the world. And now, I wonder where things are. Where I am in it all?
Her: Maybe I can help.
I suppose that will work out however it’s supposed to.
In any case, remember when I told you that this used to be my favourite time of year?
How long ago that seems.
Everything’s different and I wish it wasn’t.
Location: A white desk in a pastel bedroom.
Mood: tired. so tired.
Music: I don’t like walking around this old and empty house
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