Yes, but it is not I

Church in NYC

My insomnia is back in a big way. Feel tired and irritable all of time. Worried that all the things I do to manage it aren’t working any more, which then keeps me up even longer. No fun.

The Professor was in town over the weekend so the wife and I went with him to the local dive bar. He’s one of my oldest friends but, oddly, we never really hung out until after college. The other funny thing’s that he was a wrestler in high school and some 20 years later, I’m trying it out.

Him: (to my wife) When I was a kid, I was a busboy at this restaurant. It was fine except one day they caught me trying a wrestling move on a bag of rice.
Me: (to my wife) That’s not what they were mad about. They were mad because he was naked and put lipstick on the bag of rice.

Old friends that make the cut are always good to have around. The problem’s that people change and you change. Sometimes the people that once mirrored you no longer do. Learned long ago, this isn’t a good thing, or a bad thing. It’s just a thing.

Coincidentally, went to church the next day and the pastor repeated a story that I wrote about over five years ago.

The story is that St. Augustine was once this womanizer who once famously prayed, da mihi castitatem et continentiam…sed noli (“Grant me chastity and continence…but not yet”). It should be noted that he’s also the patron saint of brewers, as an aside.

Anywho, he was a frequent visitor of prostitutes before he changed his life around. Afterward, he went back to visit an old place and ran into a prostitute he used to know in that biblical way. He continued on his way so she tried to get his attention for his usual and called out to him, Augustine, it is I.

To which, he replied without stopping, Yes, but it is not I.

I think I’m a better person now than I was a decade ago; actually, know I am. But to get here, had to let some people because they don’t reflect who I am any more. It’s like that Cowboy story I told you.

Sometimes you go away, sometimes they do, and sometimes people just stay. It’s how the world is and how it’s supposed to be. Accepting it’s the hardest thing, yeah?

Now if only this insomnia would go away.

Location: last night, in misery
Mood: guess
Music: in the morning i will wake up in the shivering cold

6 replies on “Yes, but it is not I”

Beautiful. And fascinating story of St. Augustine. I often catch myself worrying about how people may change, worrying about friendships; just have to let it be. Sounds so simple, so why does it feel so difficult? I try to prepare myself for what 'may' happen, to be 2 steps ahead of the game, due to my 'eventful' childhood. Anxiety for me is insomnia for to you perhaps… but insomnia is a result of anxiety isn't it? Ughh, will it ever go away?

Worrying about things you have little to no control over is the fastest way to go starkers. And the only real preparation, I think, it to accept that we're destined to lose everything and everyone we love. That's the nature of the world. But, if we know this and appreciate what we have when we have it, I think that's a major step in the right direction.

Ugh is right. I do hate it. Every night is like a lottery where the prize is either sleep or a massive dose of irritation the next day.

Finally, don't know if this helps, but anxiety is the fear of the hypothetical. Don't let your life be controlled – if at all possible – by the "what might be(s)" of the world.

Your blog entries are really similar to how things are right now. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's because the new year is around the corner and I like the idea of "starting over". But I need to accept that people do change, that everyone changes and it's not always a bad thing.

As for insomnia, that always sucks. I go to be an hour later lately. Keep this up and I'll be sleeping at noon like it's normal. I usually just drug myself with NyQuil or something, but people keep tellin me that's bad *shrug*.

Marie – sorry I've not replied earlier, I was hoping this new system would notify me of comments but it still doesn't. Oh well…

I'm glad you find something to relate to with what I've been writing. I think that for a lot of people, right now is the opposite because people don't want to be alone for the holidays; at least that's how it is with people I know. But I agree with you as well; the new year is around the corner and I feel like it's time for new things to happen. Pretty exciting actually. I still cant believe it's almost 2012. Crazy, isn't it?

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