Friendships and getting the invite

Late night in a bar in downtown NYC

Having some issues with some friends lately.

The problem with dealing with friends is that on one hand, y’can’t expect them to act as you do – they have their own life experiences and values – but on the other hand, there’s a baseline mirroring required for them to be your friend.

For the first friend, his basic understanding of what friendship is differs greatly from my understanding.

  • His definition is: I have something you don’t want or need, but it is of value to me; here you go.
  • My definition is: I have something you want or need, despite it being of value to me; here you go.

It’s been a historically one-sided friendship and I’m thinking that cutting my losses would be the smart way to go.

For my other friend, he’s a genuinely good fella. The issue’s that he hangs out with a buncha douchebags – usually of the female persuasion. In fact, he seems to be drawn to them.

Some of their recent escapades include: breaking a mutual friend’s funiture and then trying to hide it, getting drunk and sick at a house party then leaving without a thanks or offering to clean up, and thinking racist jokes are hysterical.

It’s that mirroring again. He doesn’t realize that people’re starting to think he’s a douchebag because he keeps company with douchebags.

When I was single, had a rule to never turn down an invite. But to follow that rule, y’gotta first get an invite.

When people think that you come with douchebag, those invites are far less likely to come in.

Location: desk
Mood: disappointed
Music: crossed the sea to find a brother

11 replies on “Friendships and getting the invite”

You always hit the nail on the head with your insights. That's why I keep reading (even though I don't comment much). But this really resonated with me b/c I'm dealing with the same issues right now, except my 'friends' are actually 'relatives', so it's much more difficult to sever the tie. I feel like I give 95% and receive 5% and it's getting really old. I agree with you regarding cutting your losses.

Thanks for being a loyal reader – and apologies for the late reply. Usually I don't get more than a handful of comments so I don't check as often as I should to respond. Besides "cutting" I think there's also "slacking" which is when you just loosen up interactions with people to the point that it just fades away. Sometimes that's just a better tact and something I would do if it were relatives.

Comment more; it's nice knowing I'm not talking to myself.

In addition to being insightful, you are also kind. It's just that after 10 years and a particularly aggravating interaction last week, I feel like letting them know in no uncertain terms that I am done with them. I have never confronted them before and I think if I do, the floodgates might open and I will say something I will probably regret later on. I like your definition of 'slacking' and I agree it's the best way to go.

Alright, you've convinced me to comment more. 🙂

in addition to everything that was said off line about this, i would add that in response to situation #1, after you evaluate whatever positives the friendship comes with, you have to decide whether those positives are enough to keep them around. if yes, then you're going to have to accept that you can only depend on them for certain things. you want to believe that all your friends put just as much effort as you do into the relationship, but that's (sadly) not the norm. know who gives you 150% and treat them accordingly. know who will only give you 50%, and don't sweat them for more.

Well, you know which I'm going with some of those people. Relationships of all stripes are sad when they end but really sometimes there's just no point.

Hey Logan, I'm off on a trip. Would like to send you a virtual postcard which is essentially a picture that I took. Yes, I know it's cheap but hey. Just wanted to return the favor you did before. Message me with your email or something.

And oh yeah. It's never too late to weed out the crazies.

You can always shoot me an email at: logan607 at hotm@il. I'd love to see pics!

You DO see a MOMA bag – it was for a birthday party with non-douchy people.

I'm sorry your relationships are so one-sided but it's a good lesson going forward IMHO to see where you rank in people's lives. Sometimes its sad when you realize your ranking is so low but you can't do much about how you rank with people but how you rank people in your life is *totally* in your control. You shouldn't give up that control lightly.

Whoa! I def didn't mean my comment the way you took it.

We're all someone front runner and all someone's backburner. That's the way life is. I've been the droper and the dropee, which is my point.

i've been ranked low and I've been ranked high; and you've done that too. It's no comment on actual worth – I'm not worth less because I'm ranked low. It's price versus value. (

I just happen to not be a priority for some people and some times that fine – such as if I'm ranked low by a acquaintance because I too rank them low – and some times I rank high – such as if I'm ranked high by my brother just because he's my brother.

We don't rank everyone high in our lives because then live would be impossible to live. I'm not ranked high in my cousin's life because he's got a wife and kids and I'm glad because otherwise, I'd have to run to Pennsylvania every time something happened.

Why would you think I was being douchey? And if you thought I was, why wouldn't you send me an email on the matter and ask for an explanation?

More to the point, have I ever been anything but nice to you? Why would you immediately assume that I was trying to be mean in some manner?

Eek sorry for the misunderstanding. I wrote douchey in a way in which if you heard my tone you wouldn't take it so seriously but I should have known that through words it can be taken harshly. I responded after just waking up in the morning as well, not exactly appreciating the assumption that my current relationships are one-sided, though I'm sure in was all in good nature. Feel free to delete this thread. You responded to my comment regarding my present relationships which you don't know anything about so I was just responding to defend my current relationships. I suppose I shouldn't have responded at all! Yes, you have been nice to me, I didn't think you were being mean! You have always been so generous with advice!

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