On my knees again
Doctor: You’re not having a good day?
Me: I’ve had better.
Him: (pause) Well, it’s about to get a lot worse.
So after I wrote the last entry, went on with my day. Later that night, got another phone call for a wholly different reason.
In 40 years, think I’ve honestly been on my knees twice. This is a third time. There are things that one knows but does not truly believe in life.
Like last time, I could handle it all, if it was only one at a time.
Spent the day slogging from offices to offices in the blinding snow, trying to make sense of a litany of things that make no sense; making decisions I’m ill-prepared to make.
Him: Well, you gotta figure that this is rock bottom.
Me: No, there’s always room for more down.
But I went to teach my fencing class last night and for about 90 minutes, I got to put down the things I’d been carrying all day.
It’s a blessing to have things in your life where you can put down the weights you bear.
Student: This wasn’t what I expected.
Me: We’re not here to dance, we’re here to fight. We’re here to struggle. Life’s a struggle we all lose one day. But until then, we struggle.
Never saw that student again.
The thing with leaving things at a doorway is that, ultimately, you have to pick them up again on your way out.
So I do, trudging home in the snow, bearing it.
And I swear that the whole goddamned weight of it all is sinking me deeper into the snow.
———-
If you write or see me, I won’t tell you so please don’t ask. As with last time, I’ll tell you when I’m ready.
Location: yesterday, three hours in a frozen car
Mood: heartbroken
Music: It’s true, the suffering shapes you
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I’m so sorry, Logan. Whatever it may be, I can only wish you the best. It’ll be ok, though. It’s only a phase.
Thanks Paolina – it’s not been a good week. But I appreciate that you took the time to write something, it’s nice to be thought of.
Logan, please know you’re in my thoughts during this difficult time. I’ve also had a very challenging year (which still continues) and I can completely understand having something you’re unable to share with us. Please take extra good care of yourself.
Jocelyn – Hello there! I’d been meaning to write you but, as you can see, life got in the way.
Thanks for the kind thoughts – I’m hoping to get back on my feet at some point soon. I’ll let you know when it happens. I was going to write a comment for you great piece on Loser Laowais, just wanted you know that I loved it.