Dull and vicious

Right now, I exist only for my son. Merely a statement of fact. Maybe someday it’ll be different, but for now, that’s all it is. And it’s enough.

So little that’s good or noble

Missed a meeting for the first time in…

Can’t remember the last time I missed one, actually. Neither personally nor professionally.

Been late (rarely) to appointments but I’ve never missed one completely.

The past few weeks have been a blur of alcohol, women, and extracurricular activities.

Me: There’s a pretty good chance I’m going to make a pass at you at some point this evening.
Woman at bar: What? (laughing) Really, why?
Me: (sighing) Well, I’m heartbroken and you seem nice.

Still try to go the gym at least four times a week just to force myself to clear my head.

My timing and stamina is off. Everything is off. Feel dull and vicious. Almost got clocked in the head with a stick the other night.

On the plus side, July 2nd was the first day in over two months I didn’t cry.

On the negative side, July 2nd was the only day in over two months I didn’t cry. And part of that was due to a malfunctioning washing machine that day, as well as a spectacularly chaotic night that ended up with me getting home at 4AM.

Feel it necessary to point out that all this only happens when the kid is away at my parents home or Alison’s parents. I may be a mess but I’m a responsible mess.

Speaking of the kid, when he’s here, somehow manage to pull myself together. Without being overly dramatic, the only reason I’m alive now is because of him.

Merely a statement of fact.

Don’t think I have the words to describe the love of a parent to his/her child.

But it’s the kinda love that enables one to live in a world one wants no part of any more.

And it’s true. Left to my own devices, I’d try to see Alison again. I’d be the Orpheus to her Eurydice.

I’ve had enough. Been through enough. I’ve lived a full life and I’d like to stop hurting now, if possible. But that’s not an option for me.

So I exist for him and him alone. I hope that might change later on. For now, I do what I can to blunt the hurt.

As it stands, Nate is enough reason to stay in this goddamn place I hate so.

And I do hate it. Even more than I hate myself for existing.

Different woman: You should want to live for something else besides someone else.
Me: Why? Why does anyone exist? Happenstance? Duty? Will? If you’re gonna exist, it might as well be for something good and noble. (taking a drink and shaking head) And I’ve got so little that’s good or noble left. (exhaling) On that note, what’s your story morning glory?

Location: home, with the boy
Mood: a responsible mess
Music: these most loved losses are the hardest to carry

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15 replies on “Dull and vicious”

Logan, I’ve never lost a spouse..but, I’ve lost a daughter, and both parents. It took me a LONG time…I did all the things you speak of..if it wasn’t for my son, I wouldn’t be here. Just breathe, meditate, pray, drink, do whatever you need to. Just do not give up…she doesn’t want you to..Nate doesn’t want you to. I think of you often, and pray….Marcia

That’s just awful. I’m sorry. I think about Alison’s parents constantly.

I do what I can to make it to the other side but it’s difficult, as you know. It’s difficult to want to keep going.

The sharing of your stories are a cause that is noble enough.
You have no idea how many people you’ve saved or touched.
I still remember when I first happened upon your blog.
It was when H&M had that scandal about them destroying unsold clothing. I think this was in 2008.
You made a comment on H&M’s facebook page and I resonated with what you wrote. That was how I stumbled onto your blog.

You were and still are a role model of what a good man should be to me.

Thank you so much for that that thought and comment. I actually remember writing about the H&M clothes a while ago. I’m touched you still read me after all these years.

I wish I had something more positive to write about.

Hi Logan, I am thinking of you often and praying that life gets easier. I don’t have experience of what you’re going through but I know what it means to hurt and to feel like there’s nothing ahead but more of the same. I have no advice, sometimes there is no advice to give, but I have enough room in my heart to handle your pain if you want to talk. My email is – I’ll continue to think of you often and hope that life becomes less painful, Helen.

Thank you – that’s super kind. I’m actually not very social these days so I’m forcing myself to see old friends and catch up with them so I’m already behind with emails from them. But I do appreciate the gesture. Perhaps in a while, once things start to steady?

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