Mentally checked out, but home

I’m home but mentally checked out, Because everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy again and I’m just trying to clear my head somehow.

The other part of the weekend

Been chatting friends and strangers a lot lately. The friends are people checking in on me.

The strangers are just me trying to remember who I was before Alison.

Some people are better with conversations at bars and clubs, others are better out and about. I’m the latter.

Me: I feel the need to tell you that I’m not following you.
Her: (surprised) What?
Me: We got onto the train at the same time, got off the same stop, crossed the street at the same time. I just didn’t want you think that I’m following you. (pointing) I live over there.
Her: (laughs) Oh, ok. Thank you.
Me: (holding out hand) Logan.
Her: (takes hand) Gabrielle.
Me: Hello, Gabrielle. Nice to meet you. You’re French, I take it?
Her: (laughs) Yes.
Me: Lovely. (turning away) I’m…I’m just gonna keep walking this way. (turning back) But maybe I’ll see you around the neighborhood?
Her: (smiles) Maybe.
Me: Goodbye, Gabrielle.
Her: Goodbye, Logan.

After I met up with Kung and Nadi, met up with other friends, all of whom already have nicknames courtesy of my gym. Kong, Panda, Mouse, etc…

Me: Man, I’m already lit.
Him: Logan, you are way too old to talk like that. Way, way, way too old.
Me: Why do you hurt me so?
Him: Because you’re old.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense!

Somehow, Mouse and another girl end up arm-wrestling on the floor of the bar, which is a story in itself. Mouse won. She was one of the people that ran for Alison.

Stumbled home just after 1AM. Took forever to fall asleep.

Met up with someone we’ll call Artistgirl for lunch. She’s going through a breakup.

Her: My thing is obviously a lot different.
Me: (shrugging) Everybody’s grief is grief to them. On that note, I should tell you that I will probably randomly start to cry.
Her: We’ll sit in the back.

Ended up going to a total of three bars across several hours with her. That’s also a story for another time, I suppose.

Stopped drinking so much last week. Because I have to start being OK with reality again.

Also because everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy again. And I’m just trying to clear my head somehow.

Her: Are you home?
Me: I’m home. I’m mentally checked out, but I’m home.

Location: same
Mood: same
Music: Feels like love is a losing game, that you can’t dodge the pain

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9 replies on “Mentally checked out, but home”

I’d recommend BJJ to anyone and I think that 10 is a great age to start; unfortunately, my school doesn’t have children’s classes, at least not yet.

Really really sorry to bring up painful topics, but could you tell me if Alison took anything for the vomiting? My mum has an anaplastic astrocytoma and has been having vomiting- no nausea , just the vomiting. Dexa hasn’t helped too much. Her tumour has grown as per the latest MRI.

So sorry for the late reply; I’m always occupied with either the kid or trying to keep my life together.

Alison took zofran for the nausea but that leads to GI issues so we had to use it sparingly. There were several months when we kept going back to the hospital because of the vomiting.

The dexa would probably make the vomiting worse since that too affects the GI tract and in a very bad, and different, way. I run a Facebook page if you’re interested in joining for more information about GBM and immunotherapy:

Thank you so much for your reply. Did the immunotherapy help with her vomiting? Was the vomiting accompanied by headaches ? My mum’s isn’t, so it isn’t because of an increase in intracranial pressure.

We never did get to the bottom of why she was vomiting. It was one of the reasons we stopped treatments because we felt that she had no quality of life. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this too.

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