Empty men
She collapsed exactly two years ago today. So today, I drink.
Went to my law firm the other day for a bit of work. It was the first honest work I’d done in a while. It was as if nothing had happened.
Afterward, walked over to the train in a daze. An older fella asked me for directions to my neighborhood for a party and we got to talking.
Him: You know, I was supposed to go to this party with my business partner and he can’t make it. Why don’t you come with me?
Me: (laughing) I should head home.
Him: Why? You just said that someone was watching your son. You look like you could use a drink. It’s an open bar.
Me: You had me at “open bar.”
We walked a bit when I realized that the place we were going to was the very last place Alison and I ever ate out at: Arte Cafe.
She got nauseated when the food came and we both assumed it was from the pregnancy. I only learned later it was probably the tumor. She gave birth soon after. Then everything went to s__t.
My face turned white, so the man asked me what was wrong and I told him everything.
Him: (gently) Come in. One drink. It’ll be good for you.
I nodded and went in. Stayed for a moment cause it was too much and I politely said goodbye to the man, who nodded again that he understood.
As I walked out, someone handed me a glass of wine and I downed it in a gulp. I turned to leave and bumped into a young woman with brown eyes.
Me: (smiling, holding out hand) Logan. You must be…?
Her: (laughing) Sharon. Nice to meet you. Who are here with?
Me: Well, Sharon, it’s a bit hard to explain…
I chatted with her for a bit and left. I don’t know why I do it; meet so many random people for no reason. Something pathological about me and my childhood loneliness, perhaps? Who knows…
I put on personalities like you would an old coat. Take them off just as easily. But I always feel empty afterward. Like I’m the coat and not the person. It’s why the Devil calls me a friend; the devil likes hollowed-out men.
I’ve got so many stories that’d blow your mind. But I don’t want you to think less of me.
Not that I care. I only care what Alison’s family and my family thinks.
And the Gymgirl. She’s different to me than the others. Mainly, I suppose, because she actually tried to help us when Alison was alive. That means so much to me.
And because of this conversation:
Me: It’s only fair to warn you that I’m a mess.
Her: I expect that. If you weren’t, I’d think something was wrong with you.
Me: I should also tell you that I’ll love her until the end of the world.
Her: (nodding) Of course you will. She sounded amazing.
Me: She was. (pause) Thank you.
Her: For what?
Me: (exhaling) For letting me be in love with her. I miss her terribly.
Location: inside my head
Mood: empty
Music: maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me
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