Making it out unscathed
My mom just had spinal surgery. tl;dr: She’s fine. Went through it with flying colours.
It’s been on everyone’s mind for a while and we’ve all just been waiting for the day of the operation to roll around.
My brother flew in to make sure everything ran smoothly. It pays to have a doctor and lawyer in the family.
The day of, she was recuperating longer that expected so I didn’t even get to see her because I had to pick up the boy.
The next day, woke up early to make sure I saw her. She was tired but happy it was all over. My sister was there when I arrived.
Me: How do you feel?
Mom: Pretty good. Everything went well. (later) You look old.
Me: I’m 46, I am old.
Her: You should do something about that.
Me: What can I do about time, mom?!
Speaking of time, I could only stay for 15 minutes. I told them that it was because I had a meeting, which was kinda true. But the real truth is that I can’t be in hospital rooms and be sane.
I could feel it: The sadness and cold self-hatred I used to feel alla time. Every second I was there, I could feel it spreading, like cold paint over a rusted wreck.
I’m nuthin if not a rusted wreck. Stopped off at a bathroom before I left and dry retched.
So that was my Wednesday. Good times.
Took the bus back because the hospital is so far from the subways. Gave me a lotta time to think. Had an awful night the night before; didn’t sleep for a number of reasons that are unimportant.
I’ve seen things, horrors you can’t imagine. You don’t wanna. Hope you never see them. Me? I can’t unsee them.
If there is one thing I’m proud of in my otherwise unremarkable and shitty life, it’s that I spared her parents what I saw. I’d do it again for them, but I’d drink first. A lot.
Was busy the entire day with meetings and kid so I didn’t really have time to check social media when I found out that yet another friend I spoke to a number of times died. He was always supportive and positive regarding my dad and Alison. He always made time to talk to me. Until he ran outta time.
Cancer’s a fucking beast. No one makes it out unscathed.
I’m sorry, Don. I thought you’d make it.
Anywho, speaking of shitty…
Him: How are you?
Me: Tired. I’m tired of feeling shitty, of being told by people that I’m shitty. (exhaling) It’s so lame but…I miss having someone that thinks that I’m made of awesome, even when I’m not.
Him: You’ve been through enough and helped enough people, I think, to say you are. Or, are at least close.
Me: That may be just you.
Him: No. Really. (later) I bet the kid thinks you’re made of awesome.
Me: (laughing) To be fair, if you showed up with a ripe banana and an open jar of peanut butter, he’d be your biggest fan.
Her: What’re you two doing for Valentine’s Day?
Me: If you mean me and the kid, probably just watching some Daniel Tiger and having some rum? He likes rum and I like Daniel Tiger.
Her: (laughs) What happened? (later) You once said that there’s no relationship if there’s no work and no forgiveness.
Me: Yeah. I forgot so much of who I once was before everything went to hell.
Location: yesterday, another fucking hospital
Music: it’s such a shame that we don’t talk