So, this is chivalry
It’s no great secret to say that a lotta people hated my old coach.
He knew it as well when he couldn’t figure out who, of his former students, tried to shut down his business.
Him: Was it you?
Me: I’m a lawyer. If I wanted you shut down, you’d be shut down. Plus, I’d want you to know it was me. (pause) You know both these things I’ve just said are true.
Wasn’t me because I was too busy trying not to kill myself and raise my son.
As I write these words, I’m amazed he thought
he anything mattered enough to me to even bother. I think I was still sleeping with a bottle of rum next to me those days.
Plus, I never reached hate so much as pity and disappointment.
But I realized recently exactly what it was about him that bothered people on a visceral level while my son was watching Daniel Tiger: I don’t think that he ever learned how to properly apologize.
An apology consists of three steps:
- The words: “I’m sorry.”
- Some manifestation of contrition: “I feel awful about what I did; there’s no excuse.”
- And then some overt act to try make things right again.
Whenever he did anything untoward, he would either blame the other person, not mention it, or – and this was the best we could hope for – perhaps offer to buy us a lunch (step 3).
Don’t recall Steps 1 and 2 ever happening. Spoke to a few other former students and they agreed with me.
The last time we spoke, I asked him how he could be ok with so many people hating him – enough that someone was willing to ruin his life and business. He said he was fine with it.
That blew my mind.
Don’t mind being ignored – I wished for that as a kid. But to be hated so deeply by so many people who have known you for years shows a level of sociopathy that I don’t want anything to do with.
Who wants to be friends with someone that’s so ok with being hated?
Then again, I didn’t leave so much as I was asked to leave. In a very teenage sorta way:
Me: Wait, are you kicking me out?
Him: I’m not kicking you out, I just don’t think this is the gym for you.
Me: So, you’re kicking me out.
Him: No, I just don’t think this is the gym for you.
Me: So, I can come when one of the other instructors are here?
Him: No. It’s not a good fit.
You see, he told the Gymgirl/Mouse that if she dated anyone in the gym, he would kick the male out. If nothing else, he follows through.
This is despite the fact that she was a full-grown 28 year-old adult with brothers and a living father (which I only mention because it seems he thinks a male must be part of a female’s decision-making process). No matter, he knew best and he would make decisions on her personal life for her and she had no say.
It’s a special form of sexism that I, as a womanizer and a feminist, found repulsive. He called it chivalry.
I’ve always believed you don’t treat someone differently because they were or weren’t born with a particular organ.
You certainly don’t make decisions about their personal life if you’re being paid monthly to provide a service.
Mentioned this to my cousin, another former student, the other day.
Her: Wait, he said that? That’s so gross. I hate that.
Me: You and me both.
He never apologized to Mouse, or me, or anyone else for his poor behaviour. I wonder if it bothers him in the least.
Then again, we think he’s a sociopath so probably not.
I’m always surprised how many people have opinions on how two other consenting adults live their lives.
Oh well, not my circus, not my monkeys…
Here’s a picture of us just because I’m being petty. And she looks pretty in it.
Location: earlier today, another gym with three other former students
Music: Burn all them bridges down, to the ground, cos I won’t be coming this way again.
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14 Replies to “PSA: How to apologize”
Whoa! He’s not normal. Maybe he’s jealous! Sounds like a narcissist. Idk…but everything you wrote about such a man scares me. ^^ shivers. Anyway hope your son doesn’t eat too much candy and has fun in costume wear in school! 🙂
He’s many things but I don’t think normal is one of them.
Man, I hope he doesn’t eat too much candy either!
If you are at a school and you don’t like it why not just leave. Why would any martial artist show such disregard and try to close his business. Is your new school good?
It’s not so easy when you have good friends/training partners, it’s super convenient, and is one of the cleanest gyms out there. But after a while, almost all of the longer term students saw the writing on the wall and left.
I can’t speak for whomever tried to shut down his business. You’d have to ask him/her.
Love my new school! The guy that was my fave instructor at the old school is the instructor at the new one:
That is narcissistic behavior. Sorta like that twitter freak; except he is worse than your gym guy. He has some nerve trying to run someone else’s life. Is he related to the Mouse or just her boss? I can sorta see the point if he is a relative, otherwise it’s none of his damn business. Actually quit a job once due to a boss and his comments. Of course he was the epitome of politeness when his wife was in the office and a complete mouthy sexist jerk when she was not. I found another job…life is too short to put up with that bull-hockey.
No relation whatsoever and not her boss. He was just her instructor and she paid full price every month for him to teach her a skill – which he did – but he became way too involved/interested in her personal life for reasons that are anyone’s guess.
Ha, the instructor was actually the exact same way with his wife there and without.
Good on you for making the tough choices!