Until there isn’t
Had a pretty terrifying moment earlier this week. Was walking outta Union Square to the gym when this pretty huge white dude was yelling at this younger skinny guy.
But the white guy was so focused on the skinny guy, that he didn’t notice the hooded guy following him – and clearly holding a weapon of some sort in his right hand under his sweatshirt.
Note that it was 80+ degrees that day and he had a hoodie on and his hood pulled over his head.
The skinny guy ducked into a fire station and the firemen told the white guy to just go home. It was only then that the guy stalking him crossed the street, all while eying him.
I looked around for a cop to flag down but, of course, didn’t see any. So, I popped into the nearest store and waited a bit.
The city’s becoming like it was when I was a kid. This is not a good thing.
While the boy was away, I found that heart you see above on the table. He left if for me to find. Stood and stared at it longer than you might imagine.
That was an unexpectedly sweet find. But I was also cleaning out his class stuff – he brought everything home for summer vacation – and I came across his class folder. I’d never seen it before because it was in always his classroom.
He put pictures up on it of all the people he loved the most. In the middle was his mom and someone I didn’t expect him to put up.
I’m honestly not sure how he got these pictures, let alone print them out. That kid’s gonna be a handful when he grows up.
In any case, it made me sadder than you might expect. Because they were the mothers this kid never got to grow up with.
Suppose the closest I can explain is guilt.
Guilt that I can’t give him the family he wants. It might forever be just him and me.
He’s only six and he’s lost enough, I think. I’d rather never introduce him to another person than for him to wish for things that will never be.
Her: It’s not fair, Logan. You want someone to just give you kids. What about what we want?
Me: That’s the whole point. I don’t want someone to have a kid because I want her to do it, I someone to want a kid because she wants it too.
Her: You already have a kid!
Me: We all picture the family we want in our heads. This is not, at all, what I pictured for my family.
I suppose there’s always tomorrow. Until there isn’t.
Paris keeps calling me, which I find interesting.
Because I always thought it’d be Berlin.
Nothing is ever like I expect it to be.
There was a song I loved once, that has a line that goes, Life is sweet, despite the misery.
Dunno if that’s true anymore. I find the bitterness of misery cuts through everything.
Although, life does have its moments.
So, I’ll stay until he’s ready.
Me: I missed you so much, kid.
Him: Me too, papa. What’s for dinner?
Life is Sweet
by Natalie Merchant
It’s a pity
It’s a crying shame
Who pulled you down again?
How painful it must be
To bruise so easily inside
It’s a pity
It’s a downright crime
But it happens all the time
You wanna stay little daddy’s girl
Wanna hide from the vicious world outside
But don’t cry
Know the tears’ll do no good
So, dry your eyes
Your daddy he’s the iron man
A battleship wrecked on dry land
Your mama she’s a bitter bride
She’ll never be satisfied,
And you know
That’s not right
But don’t cry
Know the tears’ll do no good
So, dry your eyes
They told you life is hard
It’s misery from the start
It’s dull and slow and painful
I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery
There’s so much more
Be grateful
Who do you believe?
Who will you listen to
Who will it be?
It’s high time that you decide
In your own mind
Tried to comfort you
Tried to tell you to be patient
They are blind
They can’t see
Fortune gonna come some day
All gonna fade away
Your daddy the war machine and
Your mama the long and suffering
Prisoner of what she can not see
They told you life is hard
It’s misery from the start
It’s dull and slow and painful
I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery
There’s so much more
Be grateful
Who do you believe?
Who will you listen to
Who will it be?
It’s high time you decide
It’s time you make up your own sweet little mind
They told you life is long
Be thankful when it’s done
Don’t ask for more
You should be grateful
But I tell you life is short
Be thankful because before you know
It will be over
‘Cause life is sweet
And life is also very short
Your life is sweet
Location: earlier tonight, on 18th Street, telling him not to cry
Mood: empty
Music: life is short. Be thankful because, before you know, it will be over (Spotify)
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