Her: Logan, congratulations! Are you and Mrs. L free on Dec 13? [We’d] would like to take you out to celebrate. Me: Hola, and yes, I think so but we’re in Korea ATM and heading to Taiwan tomorrow AM. Back on the 30th. Firm up then?
My friends around the way plus RE Mike and his wife dropped me a line the other day.
I’ve known them all for at least a quarter of a century when they all lived close by.
We actually went to a new Greek restaurant in the neighborhood that I’d not been to yet.
The food was killer and RE Mike, being RE Mike, chatted up the owner, who spent a good deal of time at our table telling us all about everything.
Me: Thanks so much for taking us out, it’s really so nice of you. Her: We wanted to celebrate you two! Me: Well, thank you, we’re definitely grateful…and fat.
Later that week, we met up with the ABFF and went to one of her friend’s places for a holiday party.
Someone made some lasagna, which I have a hard time saying no to, and it turned out to be the fella that does The Dad Bod Pod, a podcast that interviews fathers.
Him: Do you want to do an episode? Me: (shrugging) Sure – I’m not sure what I’d talk about but, I’m game. Him: OK! You can’t take it back now…
OK, I realize there’s no lasagna in this picture. I forgot to take a picture of it. Just trust me here…
There were a whole buncha kids there and they wanted to head up to the roof so up we went.
The views were pretty killer.
Although I liked one view in particular.
It was a school night, so we ended relatively early.
Like I said, all friends are good, but the old ones are gold.
Firecracker: You have nice friends. Me: Yeah, I try not to keep the douchebags around.
Him: What are you gonna do with yours? Me: I’m gonna drill a hole on top and wear it around my neck like Flava Flav.
Speaking of Scenic Fights, we did – indeed – hit a million subscribers recently.
I got that fancy gold plaque you see me strutting around with above.
NEW YORK, NY – MAY 28: Musician Flavor Flav promotes the new book “Flavor Flav: The Icon the Memoir” at Hue-Man Bookstore & Cafe on May 28, 2011, in New York City. (Photo by Marc Stamas/Getty Images)
It’s funny, but I didn’t really think much of it when I first did it – I did it as a favour to the producer, who had a vision that I now see.
I mentioned the first time I filmed anything for them in passing in what is probably one of my most quoted entries, Hitting the Button.
[T]here was something I had to do on Saturday morning (which I’ll tell you about some other time).
Well, that something was Scenic Fights.
Had no idea that we’d come this far but here we are.
And I wonder how far we can go…
Him: It’s tomorrow. Me: Do I have to go? Him: Oh…it’s ok, you don’t have to come. Me: (laughing) I’m kidding, man. I’ve never missed any of your things, have I? I’ll be there, don’t you worry.
Went to the kid’s school the other day because there was a “publishing party,” which just basically means the parents come in and see how their kids are doing in school and what they’re working on.
I showed up five minutes late because I had some stuff to do first and I think he was worried that I wouldn’t show.
Man, if I could bottle and sell that kid’s smile when he saw me, alla my money problems’d be over.
Him: You came! Me: (scoffing) Dude, just give me a time and place and I’ll be there. Him: Here, look what I wrote…
Like I said, so much of parenting seems to be just showing up.
When we got back from Taiwan, everyone wanted Western food.
But, oddly, after just a few days, we were all missing some Taiwanese food, so we headed downtown to Taiwan Pork Chop House, our local dive Taiwanese joint, and ordered a ton of food.
What was cool was that the Surgeon and his family were out and wanted to join us, so that was even better.
In some ways, I’m going back to some of my old ways in that I’ve been more social again during the holidays.
To wit, I met up with a buncha people from my gym the other night around the way…
…and also went to celebrate the holidays at a neighboring building.
Just like last year, I managed to meet up with my old college buddies at the same place we went to last year as well.
As always, the food was absolutely killer…
…and it was great catching up with everyone.
Me: I gotta think that someone we know has a kid in their 20s. Him: Young’s got a 25-year-old, I think. Me: Jesus Christ, that’s right. They got married right outta college.
Alla them, I’ve known at least 33 years but one of the guys, Cappy, I’ve known 35 years.
I hope my kid has a buncha friends like these guys.
One of them, Ricky, always likes to tell the waitstaff that it’s our buddy Gar’s birthday, like he did two summers ago.
But this time, it was half for him and half for me.
See, when it was time to pay, I pulled out my wallet like usual but the fellas wouldn’t let me pay.
Rick: This is a double celebration – you got married AND you hit a million followers on YouTube. Me: Goddammit, I shoulda ordered that crab. Him: Too late now.
They printed up a series of real and AI generated things to celebrate Scenic Fights hitting a million subs, which I found amusing.
But, they also all wrote and signed a lovely card for the Firecracker and me to celebrate our getting married.
When I first started this blog two decades ago (!) I wrote about them in one of the first entries ever:
They’re a bit like my safe harbor – I find comfort in the fact that no matter how dreck-ish my life becomes, they’re always there to push another bottle of beer on me and tell me to cheer up.
It was true then and it’s true now.
Like I said, I hope the kid meets fellas like these.
Him: (after meeting the Firecracker) You have a type. Me: (shrugging) It’s not so much that as there are certain traits in a partner that I value. And the partner that I would pick to be my “until-death-do-you-part” partner would have the most of those things because I value those things.
The Firecracker isn’t Alison, but they have a lot in common – far beyond both being blondes with coloured eyes.
This shouldn’t be surprising because I seek certain things, just like everyone else does.
For example, they’re both female, which makes sense, as I like females. They’re both unwaveringly kind. They both liked that I cooked and I liked that they both cleaned.
Who’s the ultimate example of your tribe if not your partner?
And if your partner isn’t the ultimate example of your tribe, why isn’t s/he, and why would you be with her/him then?
Firecracker: Are you happy? Me: (thinking) Yes. But it’s complex.
This fella named Oliver Sacks once said:
When people die they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate – the genetic and neural fate – of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.
Yeah.
And when someone leaves your Venn diagram, they take with them that unique space in your life that only he or she coulda occupied.
So, I have a hole in my soul the shape of my dad that was carved out once he died.
My father, Alison, my grandmother – they were all my wonderful things.
So, when the Firecracker asks me something like, “Are you happy?” The answer is yes.
But, imagine that you lost your left arm seven years ago. And in those seven years, beautiful and terrible things happened, because, that’s how life is.
Assume that you’re lucky and the beautiful things far outnumber the terrible things.
I’d assume you’d be happy.
But you’ll never be as happy as you would have been if you got a chance to enjoy those wonderful things AND still have your left arm.
Except, it’s not just your left arm. It’s your right hand as well.
And other bits and pieces of your body soul.
As happy as you could possibly be, you’ll never be as happy as you could have been sine qua non/but for the losses.
That’s the truest answer for the Firecracker’s question and it’s something that I’m acutely aware of for my son.
Because, as happy as he’ll be, as good as a parent as I could possibly be, he’ll forever miss having his mother raise and love him.
He’ll forever be missing something most people, myself included, take for granted.
And my heart aches as to the truth of that statement.
Because we met after she’s lived decades of her life and the purpose of life is to wear you down.
She too has injuries that she bears so that, as happy as she might be with me, those injuries remain. But that’s her story to tell.
I know that I can make the years the Firecracker and I have together as happy as I can.
But I also know that there are things that I can’t do because we all have those holes in our souls in the shape of the people and things we’ve loved and lost.
I like to think that, it’s not so much that I’ll die one day, so much as it is that I’ll have so many holes in my soul that, one day, they’ll be too many for me to go on.
I’m 39 in this picture above and the main one.
My friend Nadi took them while we were having dinner one night.
Life was perfect at that moment.
At that moment: My clients are awesome, and my career is taking off. My dad is alive. I’m happy and laughing with friends. And she’s alive and we’re about to start a family. Three kids. Suburbs.
Alla that.
A year after that picture: Alison and I lost our first pregnancy. It was the start of a winter of sadness and pain that I wouldn’t have believed possible for anyone to survive.
Nonea that.
But, in that moment, I was happy because I didn’t know how fucked up life could – and would – become.
The next day, we took the bullet train back to Taipei for our last full day in Taiwan.
The Firecracker’s kid is into trains, so we stopped off at a train museum for him first and then headed back to our hotel to crash.
Unfortunately, this was our first dud hotel outta the four we stayed at because they were doing construction on the floor above us.
Me: Welp, I guess we should go check out the Grand Hotel then.
The Grand Hotel Was the one tourist attraction that the Firecracker really wanted to see before we left, so we grabbed a car there.
She was not disappointed.
It’s the showcase hotel of Taiwan, built in 1952 to resemble a Chinese palace and meant to impress foreign dignitaries.
It certainly impressed us.
I’d actually gone to a summer program in the valley below it in my 20s but never went inside myself.
Afterward, we went to the night market that I was most looking forward to seeing, the Shilin Night Market, which is the one that I spent the most time at in my 20s.
In a stroke of good luck and coincidence, my other cousins on my mom’s side just happened to be in town with my aunt.
They’re the kids of my uncle that passed from COVID a few years back in Jersey, so it was doubly good to see everyone.
We met up with them at a bar there and my aunt gave us all red envelopes to celebrate both our being there and our getting married.
Me: That’s so generous of you, thanks so much! Her: Of course, we’re just glad we can all be here.
We ate pretty much everything in sight.
I ended up having to use the facilities and went into the mall area where a scantily clad woman called out to me in English, “Hi, Mister – are you feeling lucky!?”
I’m fairly confident this was in reference to some carnival games she was hawking.
Firecracker: She said what?! Me: “Hi, Mister – are you feeling lucky!?” Now the thing is, why would she say that to me in English? Like, you weren’t there, how did she know that I wasn’t Chinese-Chinese? Her: Did you talk to her?! Me: I’m not crazy, baby! Her: Smart man, smart man…
Do have to say, found that interesting throughout the whole trip: People would automatically try to speak English to me, even if the kids and the Firecracker weren’t with me.
I have to think it was how I was dressed?
Never did figure that out.
In any case, after we couldn’t possibly eat anything else, we all went our separate ways; we just hit our hotel and crashed hard.
The next morning, after filling up on brekkie – we made our way to the airport.
It was actually the first time I took the new railway from Taipei to the airport.
It was great because I got to see more parts of Taipei/Taiwan that I’d not seen before.
This pic really does capture the place – so much development, all happening at once, with urbanization creeping into the mountains and natures I’m familiar with.
The trip back was much better than the trip there.
Once again, we stopped off in Korea, but this time, I remembered a lot more of it.
And the kid finally got to see a 3D billboard – something he’d been wanting to see the entire trip.
Everyone managed to fall asleep on the plane ride back.
Everyone but me that is.
Actually, I might’ve as well but I’m not completely sure. My mind gets fuzzy when I travel.
The kid just tossed a sheet over his head and called it a night – he takes after his mom and my dad and can sleep anywhere.
Once we landed in NYC, the Firecracker had to bring her kid to her ex’s, so my kid and I took a cab home.
It was an even C-note to get back to our pad from JFK, which was both surprising and also, not.
Me: Welp, it looks like we’re home. What are you in the mood for? Him: Pizza? Me: Done. Welcome back home, kiddo. Him: Welcome back home, papa. That was fun. But it’s nice to be home. Me: Yeah, kid. There’s no place like home.
The next day, we had Taipei street food and coffee for brekkie.
25 years ago, the coffee in Taiwan was pretty meh, but it’s about on par with the rest of the world at this point.
Everyone absolutely loved the food I got and devoured it – forgot to take pics but it was essentially this type of dan bing.
Although I did take manage to take pics of a fruit that I ate like there was no tomorrow as a kid here, the wax apple.
If you ever find any, get it.
Crap, now I want more.
Afterward, we left the AirBnB we called home alla those days and took the bullet train – first time for all of us – from Taipei to my mom’s hometown, Hsinchu.
Trip was ridonk fast, less than 40 mins; used to take like 90 mins by car.
She booked a five-star hotel that was less than seven minutes walking distance from my aunt’s pad and my mom’s childhood home.
This caliber of hotel was not around when I was here last in 2000. Case-in-point, there was not only a bidet in our room, but literally, every bathroom in the hotel.
Son: (trying a bidet for the first time) Oh my god, this is the best!!
The blue garage was where I spent all my childhood summers; it was a garage my grandmother converted into a convenience store, and it’s back to a garage now.
Me: (looking out from the balcony) Holy cow, we’re so close. We can see my mom’s home from our room. Her: I spent a lotta time planning this. Me: Oh man, I love you!
See all the tall buildings? Zero of those were around when I was a kid.
Zero.
Below’s a pic I took of that exact area 25 years ago. No joke.
This picture was taken April 8th, 2000. If you look to the right, you’ll see zero tall buildings. That’s where my mom’s old home was. Nothing was there then. Oh, and that’s my aunt’s helmet in front; she picked me up on her scooter.
We immediately took a walk so I could see the old hometown.
Her: How do we cross the street without getting killed? Me: Honestly, I have no idea. There were never this many cars around before. This is crazy.
The church that I played at as a kid was still there, which blew my mind.
It wasn’t this color when I was a kid. There weren’t as many cars here so we used to play in the lot. I used to climb up the side of that wall on the right.
Everyone was hungry so we took a walk and found a bao joint.
The buns were hot, fresh, and delicious.
The Uber Eats sign made me chuckle.
Of course, we stopped by a convenience store for some drinks and snacks.
Son: I’ve never seen this before. Me: What? Him: M&Ms…but as a chocolate bar. Me: Crazy what you find in other countries, yeah? You gotta travel when you get older, kid. Who knows what you’ll see elsewhere?
We headed home afterward for the kids to crash.
There was a spa in the hotel that the Firecracker and I both took advantage of except I managed to slip in the whirlpool area and cut a one-inch gash on my left knee.
Her: How did you do that!? Me: Well, first of all, I’ve had very little sleep…
But the staff there patched me up pretty quickly.
Later that night, my cousin picked us up to take us out to eat.
Him: We were so sorry to hear about your late wife and dad. We told your mom but didn’t want to bother you directly. Me: I know. I get it. It was…it was my year of horror (可怕的一年). What can anyone say?
Met up with my aunt – my mom’s younger sister and his mom – at the restaurant. My cousin insisted on taking us all out to eat.
To a buffet of all places.
Firecracker: Oh man, does he know you or what? Me: I think it was just an amazingly lucky guess.
This was my kid cousin. He’s now taller and bigger than me.
He’s got two kids of his own to boot – alla the kids got along like a house on fire, which was sweet.
We caught up for a while and then he drove us all back to our hotel, where we all crashed pretty hard.
But before that, we drove past our grandmother’s store/house.
Me: I shoulda come when she…she went away. Him: Your mom came. Me: Right. Still. Him: It’s ok. Me: I loved that old lady. Him: Of course. We all did. Me: Yeah. (nodding, looking away)
The next morning, we inhaled the brekkie buffet, where I ate my weight in dragonfruit.
Son: Papa, your tongue is bright red. Me: Take a pic and lemme see.
We caught an Uber to a neighboring town where we saw a replica of a Hakka Tulou, something unique to my particular ethnic group.
That’s a full entry for another time as there’s too much to get into now. Yet another thing that the Firecracker researched and set up for us.
Afterward, we caught an Uber back to Hsinchu, where we went to a mall and had some western food because the kids wanted a break from Asian food and so we could get some new clothes for the kids.
Spaghetti in Taiwan turned out to be a very bad idea.
We also brought them to a park to run around before heading back to the hotel.
For dinner, the Firecracker and I wanted some authentic local Taiwanese food from Hsinchu, which is the type of food I think of when I think of Taiwanese food, so my cousin brought me a great local joint.
The beer was really good – kinda sweet and not bitter at all.
Him: When our cousin K came by last time, we blew like $500 USD here. Me: You’re kidding. Him: Nope. Closed the place down. Me: (nodding) We are related.
Something about the lunch we had didn’t sit right with the kid, so he sat alone and didn’t eat – so I knew he was def feeling off.
Like I said, spaghetti in Taiwan turned out to be a bad idea.
The Firecracker, her kid, and I absolutely demolished alla that food.
Afterward, we went to my cousin’s pad and hung out with his kids and my aunt for a while before heading back to the hotel.
It was a sobering thought but I thought that this might be the last time I ever see my aunt again.
Firecracker: Not necessarily. We can come back soon. Me: Maybe. I’d like that, though. Maybe.
Location: my old gym, getting a plaque that says I have a million subs on SF
Mood: ecstatic
Music: Home is where my habits have a habitat (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
While it was great seeing them, it was rough realizing how old we all looked.
I’ve known my aunt and cousin my whole life.
Seeing them just reminded me how quickly our time here was coming to an end.
In any case, after brunch, the Firecracker and I finally managed to get ourselves some IC Cards, essentially Taipei’s version of the Metrocard/OMNI for their mass transit.
Me: Can I use a credit card to buy the cards? Clerk: Yes…but you need cash to put money on the card. Me: Are you serious? Him: …Yes?
Like I said, it’s a cash-based society and that took some getting used to.
But the stations were clean…
…and the trains were galley-style which were pretty cool.
Afterward, went to check out Taipei 101, currently, the 11th tallest building in the world.
We did this Instagram hack to get to a really high floor of Taipei 101, which is legit impressive…
What I meant by that was that the city really comes alive at night, mainly because it’s so damn hot during the daytime.
Grilled trumpet mushrooms.
This also meant that Taiwan developed these cool nighttime markets where you can eat for days and buy all sorts of stuff.
So, after I had the snacky-snack, we all went off to the Raohe Night Market – which was definitely not as nice as others I’d been, but still fun.
More on that in a later entry.
The Firecracker’s been reading about Stinky Tofu and just had to try some.
Here’s her trying it for the first time…
I cut it outta the video but (a) both boys were holding their noses and (b) we literally chased two tourists outta the bar with the smell.
Should mention that we ate more than half of it.
Woulda killed the whole thing – she ended up really liking it, just like she loves kimchi now even though the first time threw her for a loop – but we wanted to save room in our bellies for more night market food.
The boys had a ball all night.
But it was getting late.
So, with that, we ended the main part of our time in Taipei.
The next day, we had to go see my family home a bit southwest of Taipei, to what used to be a little town called Hsinchu.
Actually, the driver was even nicer than what I previously wrote in that, before he left, he stuck around to make sure we entered into our AirBnB.
All-in-all, a great way to start our trip.
The hot foods station at a 7-11. No nachos but every single one of the has a bubbling caldron of tea eggs, which are pretty good, I gotta say.
Now, I suppose there are three major things you need to know about Taiwan in general – it:
is a nighttime society in many ways and the reason is the same as in Spain, which is that, prior to the advent of air conditioning, it was hot as balls around here. This is something that I didn’t truly realize as a kid.
has the second largest concentration of convenience stores after South Korea – this video will explain why.
is still a very cash-based society.
These three things shaped how we and tourists in general have to interact with it.
I mean, you can even buy hard liquor at the local 7-11, but that’s neither here nor there.
Didn’t realize how much I didn’t use cash in my day-to-day until I had to use cash pretty much everywhere in Taiwan.
In any case, there was one right across the street so that was the first stop, where I picked up supplies that we needed for the week and then we all crashed.
The next morning, the kid and I woke up bright and early and got food for everyone.
Because this was the second marriage for both the Firecracker and myself, we didn’t really want a big to-do, wedding-wise, but she did want nice photos.
I’m not really one for pomp-and-circumstance but it was a completely reasonable ask so I said yes.
She found an Instagram photographer and I had my reservations, but I did like the photographs she showed me so I agreed.
After months of chatting online with him (and thinking he was a she for a solid month, initially) he showed up at our hotel in the morning with a driver and we spent our first day in Taiwan taking photos with the boys.
Honestly – and I say this after having dozens, if not hundreds of professional photos taken with the Scenic Fights guys – these were some of the best photos of myself (and her) that I’ve ever seen.
This is one of the pics he took. Now, before anyone yells “cultural appropriation,” the red qipao was my idea as it’s a traditional Chinese wedding dress.
To say I was impressed is a colossal understatement.
The other cool thing about the photoshoot was that I got a chance to see parts of Taipei that I never really got to see before.
Another one of his.
We also took the opportunity to take some family photos as well.
The kids were absolute troopers about it, so we promised them a dinner at – what we called – the Poop Restaurant which…well, I’ll let the following video explain.
Honestly, the food wasn’t bad…once you got over how it was served.
The kids were all about it and it was one of the things they were really looking forward to, so it had to be done.
The people there were actually super cool…
Waitress: You ordered two of the shaved ice? Me: (puzzled) Yes, we have two kids. Her: (leaning over) Just so you know, four adults generally can’t finish one of those. There’s literally no way either one of those kids will finish one of these. Me: Oh man, thanks! So, just order the chocolate one? Her: (nodding) Good idea.
She wasn’t kidding. We had a ton left over.
We ended the first day with a walk through the Ximen district, which was like Times Square, before we headed back.
I’ll post more tomorrow – this jetlag is no joke, and this is a pretty picture heavy post as it is.
All the crappy pics with my watermark on them are mine, all the good ones without watermarks are – of course – our killer photographer’s.
It was still dark when we left our little pad in the UWS, our bellies fulla heart attack sammies.
With my awful back, I was dreading the 16-hour trip but my buddy Ricky suggested that I get this blow-up seat cushion and god did it help; it, plus using my jacket as a lumbar pillow helped tremendously.
I’ve not slept on a plane in 44 years.
Every time I get on one, I think: This time will be it.
I took one-and-a-half pills of Ambien, one pot gummy, two OTC sleep meds and…nuthin. Was awake for the entire 16 hours it took to get Korea.
In fact, I was awake since the morning the Firecracker and I got hitched: 45.5 hours in total.
So, I was feeling dull and vicious when we arrived but that too is a story for another day.
Her: You’re not making any sense! Me: OK, that happens after 35 hours. (turning to my son) From now on, ignore what I say and listen to her. I’m not thinking straight.
The plane ride was, thankfully, uneventful.
Whenever I travel internationally, I try to have an extended layover; this time, it was in Korea.
I’d never been.
So, after the Firecracker navigated us out – because I was completely nonfunctional – we crashed overnight in a huge hotel room in the boonies where I finally got some sleep after 45.5 hours.
Some, being the operative word here.
Just a rando set of statues we saw in the Uber coming back to the airport.
Right before I left town, I dropped my old German tutor and buddy KG Betty a line and she said she would love to meet up.
So, bright and early on Saturday morning, she picked us up outside the Seoul station and brought us to the Gyeongbokgung Palace, which the Firecracker was dying to see.
We just happened to make the changing of the guard.
The kids were only so interested.
Afterward, we went to try to get noodles at the knife-cut noodle lady’s stall at Gwangjang Market, Seoul from the Netflix series but it was – of course – closed that day.
It was still super cool, and packed for an early Saturday morning.
She brought us to a local joint where we had some authentic Korean food before she gave the Uber driver some clear directions to get us back to the airport in time to head to Taiwan to continue our journey.
But not before giving me a hug and a little gift because she knows me so well.
After the 16-hour flight from NYC to Seoul, the trip from Seoul to Taipei seemed like nuthin.
When we arrived in Taiwan, I walked out of the airport customs area in the Arrivals Hall – something I’d done a dozen times in my youth – I was just overwhelmed with emotions.
It was the smell and sight of the place that took me back to the very first time I’d arrived there as a little kid.
I had a memory – real or imagined, I’m not sure – of my grandmother and youngest uncle, rushing to give my mother a hug.
It felt real.
And there was a little part of me that kept thinking that maybe my grandmother might possibly show up, the fevered dream of sleep-deprived old man.
My son started asking me all of these inane questions and I barked at him.
Not my finest moment (I later apologized).
The Firecracker took him away and left me alone with my thoughts.
I literally stood there for the first time in 25 years and wept.
Thought of all those people I loved and lost and would never see again except in pictures and in my cloudy head.
And I have so many, from the memorable to the mundane, they all mattered to me in one way or another.
Like when my uncle brought me out a night market to have a sizzling plate of steak and the wonderment of all the game and clothes hawkers.
So many random memories came at me, one after another.
Everyone was quiet while we waited for our car to arrive and my son was the first to break the silence.
Papa. I’ve never seen you cry before.
It’s funny.
I cry all the time because that grief button’s always being hit.
Suppose I hid it well up until then.
It was just too much to take at that moment, I guess.
I was just slamming that goddamn button.
I couldn’t handle the cacophony in my head.
Too many old ghosts came rushing up to greet me all at once, but after a bit, I realized the car’d arrived, so we all piled in and were on our way.
The driver spoke to me in broken in English and I turned to him and all this Chinese started coming out, as if I were a fat 10-year-old kid again.
Chatted with him the whole ride to the AirBnb.
Me: (in Chinese) I’ve not been here in 25 years. Cab driver: 25 years! Why so long? Me: (thinking) Lots of things. Life. I don’t recognize this place anymore. Him: (nodding) A lot’s changed in 25 years. This place was all empty 25 years ago. The city’s grown, the population’s shrunk. Me: Shrunk? I would have thought the opposite. Him: (shaking head) No. (laughs) People are getting married later. They don’t want to have kids. Me: Yeah, it’s like that in a lotta places. Him: (tells me more about Taipei and Taiwan in general, I translate for the Firecracker and the kids as best I can) Here we are, Mr. Lo. (exits the car and starts taking the luggage out) It’s NT$1650 but just give me NT$1,600. Me: What? Why? Him: It’s 25 years! Welcome back. (smiles, holds out his hand to shake mine) Welcome back, Mr. Lo.
Pretty much everything advanced in the world has a semiconductor chip in it.
And the world’s largest and most advanced semiconductor foundry is Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company (TSMC), which is headquartered in – what used to be a sleepy little town called – Hsinchu, Taiwan.
Pretty much spent every other summer there as a kid.
By the time you read this entry, we would already be starting our trip back home to America so it’s gonna be a bit outta order, but I wanted to tell you this little story first to set the whole thing up.
The last time I was in Taiwan was Monday, May 8, 2000, for a business trip, 25 years ago.
Purely by coincidence, my dad was there for the first time in 30 years because it was his turn to sweep the family grave – which is a Chinese tradition.
That meant that the last time he had been home was 1970.
I’d not gone home to Taiwan for a host of reasons, which we don’t need to get into right now.
Before you knew it, a quarter-of-a-century passed.
That’s my dad next to me and my uncle. Both are gone now. Yes, I age. Just very slowly. Dunno what I was thinking with my hair.
In any case, I know exactly two Chinese poems by heart.
One of them was written by a fella named He Zhizhang, sometime between 659 and 744 CE, called Returning to My Hometown.
You can look up the Chinese version, but the translation roughly goes something like this:
I was young when I left, old when I returned.
My accent’s the same but my hair’s thinned and grayed.
Kids from my old hometown don’t know who I am.
They laugh and ask, “Stranger, where’re you come from?”
It’s a lot more poignant in the original Chinese (and rhymes, to boot).
But – at least the way my dad explained it to me – the poem tells a story of a fella that left his hometown to make his fortune and returns home only to find that his home isn’t his home anymore.
Yeah, it kinda looks like his home but it also kinda doesn’t.
Just like him, he kinda looks the same but also kinda doesn’t.
And when he was there as a kid, everyone knew his name.
Now, he’s a stranger in the town that he knew like the back of his hand – to the point that the little kids now run up to him and laugh and point, “Check out this weird stranger who’s not from around here.”
And the town is a stranger to him.
That’s how I felt when I came home to the little town that I used to spend every other summer at growing up.
Except it’s not a little town at all. It was kinda the same but really not.
It’s all modern and high tech, nothing like I remember.
While the town I last saw in 2000 was pretty close to the one I remember from the 70s, 80s, and 90s, this one I just left is almost nothing like I know.
Legit, nothing like the town I last saw in 2000.
Nothing like the home I knew and loved.
I’m gonna tell you all about my Taiwan trip but I wanted to tell you that, during the whole trip, I saw old ghosts everywhere I went.
The sleepy town I knew so well is a bustling tech hub that’s home to the most powerful and advanced tech manufacturing factory on the planet.
To me, it was just where my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins lived.
Where I slept above a garage that my grandma converted into a tiny little convenience store.
I was the grandson of a shop-owner who lived in town all her life and told of her daughter that lived far away in New York City.
Everywhere I looked, I saw glimpses of people and places I loved so very deeply, long gone that I’ll never see again.
You see that old lady in that picture up there? I loved her more than you can imagine.
For the first time in my life, I’ve come home and she isn’t here to greet me and I can barely type these words, that’s how much I loved – and still love – those two women you see above in that convenience store in a converted garage that no longer exists and never will again.
Just like so many things that I have loved and will always love.
I’m grateful for my son and the Firecracker. Truly.
Their being here with me made bearable the unbearable.
I realize may not look like an old man but I’m certainly not a young man.
And even if I age slowly, those around me do not and that is, in many ways, worse.
Now all the people and things I loved and love still are aging and disappearing.
And, if this trip has made me realize anything, I will soon as well.
Don’t know how much more loss I can bear.
Him: Aren’t you happy to be back? Me: I am…I just…I am. (nodding) I am.
Location: on a hard wooden chair by a hard wooden table at a train museum
Mood: alone
Music: Someday, I’ll go (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
