edit: There was a vid of me up with really dark circles under my eyes but I’ve since taken it down. Thanks for all the concerned comments last time around.
Very kind, but unwarranted.
Because I’m always hopeful.
BTW, I’m going to call my camera Fiona.
So now, if I go, it’ll be me, Harold and Fiona.
Location: my own blue bed
Mood: sick but excited
Music: My method is uncertain It’s a mess but it’s working
Met a nice girl recently. She lives…quite far away. Thus, no shiny future for the two us. Sad, really.
Still, another pretty friend in the world is nothing to shake a stick at.
And we both know that I’m the type of guy just that’ll just up and go someday.
Let’s have a code, you and I; should I ever just leave suddenly, I’ll post Gone Fishing!
Nothing else.
Then you’ll know.
You’ll know I cashed in those miles, packed my bags, sold the car, gave away Harold and the fish, and left. I’d be elsewhere.
Actually, I’d bring Harold.
I think he’d like to see the world too.
Location: nowhere special
Mood: cloudy
Music: I’m tired of whys choking on whys Just need a little because
The show’s tomorrow but I’m in the attic of my mind right now, putting stuff away.
I spent 34 years waiting for my real life to begin.
Now, I’m worried that I’ve blinked and missed it.
I’ll be back writing on Monday.
I think.
1:26:32 AM
Location: yest. @ 2PM, an office, getting another job offer I’ll never take
Mood: nostalgic
Music: Any minute now my ship is coming in
This is what my desk looks like right this minute.
Please note that my passport, rum and gum are within easy access should I need to bolt. You can barely see it, but the hardcover book behind my screen is A Cricket in Times Square. On that note, the other books are travel books for places I will never see.
What does yours look like and what’s the most interesting thing there?
Location: In front of the picture you see below
Mood: restless
Music: I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is
I just found out that Blue Jean Eyes reads my journal. Interesting.
She also told me that she’s already signed up for a dating website looking for a Jewish, vegetarian version of me. Also…interesting.
I don’t believe those options are available on my particular make/model. Odd comes standard, though.
A lot of women from my past seem to be popping up in my life lately. I miss some aspect of all of them, I think. Europegirl is now UKgirl, French-Koreangirl is happily occupied and No. 6 is…still No. 6.
Been thinking of my conversation with the blue-eyed Lawyergirl but that’s for later.
In the meanwhile, I’ve been looking at my passport like a guy looks at a pic of his chick.
I’m heading to SFO in May (I lost my place to crash so if you’ve got a couch in SF in May, drop me a line: logan607 at hotmail). Some friends are going to Montreal and I just got an invitation to Las Vegas in June.
Outside it’s cloudy in New York, but in my head, it’s sunny elsewhere.
Location: still here
Mood: peripatetic
Music: If I could escape I would
(c) Someone else
My ex-girlfriend from Europe dropped me a line yesterday. It was good to hear from her. As always she said little except that she’s doing well, seeing someone, and happy. I’m glad.
It would be nice to hear how the other is doing occasionally, as there was a time when we were very close.
True. It was a lifetime ago – before planes hit buildings in my fine city and burned them to the #$@#$ ground.
Remember driving to this drawbridge in her tiny town outside Denmark and waiting for the bridge to come down so we could get to the other side. I liked being there; actually, I like being elsewhere, which is quite different from being somewhere.
On that note, I just bought tickets for the left coast. SFO.
I’ll need a place to crash for a weekend so if anyone has a spare couch in May, I’m there. I’d cook dinner in exchange for some hospitality. If you’re a pescatarian, I’ll buy/make some mac & cheese.
It’ll be good to see the California sun again; I missed her, though I’m sure she didn’t notice I was gone.
Me? Oh, I’m OK, thanks.
I’m just waiting to get to the other side.
Location: in front of the computer all #@$&*^@! day
Mood: drained
Music: Let’s get out of this country I have been so unhappy
Well, I’ve had an unpleasant evening. Don’t ask. I’m still not sleeping either. Maybe it’ll get better but in the meanwhile, I thought about my recent past.
I took this bag with me all over the world for two years. I had it custom made back when I had some coin.
I wanna see the sun in Santa Monica again, or the sun on Five Finger Mountain in Xinzhu again, or the sun on the Baltic Sea in Denmark again, or the…oh you get the point.
I hated traveling around the world when I had to, now I miss it so. It is always greener there, isn’t it?
No worries, I’m still hopeful. Just not here.
Too much baggage.
Location: @11:21, leaving the east side
Mood: melancholy
Music: just a notch in your bedpost But you’re just a line in a song
I’ve been stuck here for a bit. Don’t ask. But it reminds me of something from a while ago.
One of my closest friends in college was a guy named Crawford who was a god at meeting women – he was (a) good-looking, (b) charming and (c) shameless. We had a blast for two years.
He told me a story once. He said that real cowboys were hired, maybe five to eight at a time, in one state to drive cattle to the other end of the country. This bunch of guys was thrown together for months at a time and, during this time, they were each others’ friends, doctors, entertainers, cooks and guardian angels. They needed to keep each other sane and safe to get the job done.
And once the job was done, they separated. No emails, faxes, phone calls, letters. Just onto the next job.
The question Crawford posed to me was: were they truly friends? Is there such thing as friendship when there’s a finite ending?
What about when two lovers separate – was there any love really there?
My answer to all is yes.
Because at some point everything ends. Life will take everything and everyone you love. There is nothing you can touch that you won’t lose at some point down the line.
Five months, fifty years, the time doesn’t make it any more or less real.
I take solace in that.
At some point, these people I loved, once loved me. It’s sad when relationships end but goodbyes are always sad.
Crawford and I both moved here to the big city. We met up once but then I never saw him again.
He was a good friend.
Location: @ 7:10 AM, taking the east side local
Mood: optimistic
Music: Its such a shame, Always ends the same
I’m here right now – about 350+ miles from home. This place is so remote that there’s no airport nearby so I had to drive. You do a lot of thinking driving 350+ miles.
The last few times I drove so far, I thought about the ex constantly. I thought of her again, of course, but I also thought about other things.
A few years ago, a friend asked me to set him up with a Vietnam visa on arrival for him and his girlfriend from China. I started the paperwork.
A month or so later, I got a slim letter from him with a check; the letter read:
“We’re not getting married; here’s $600 for your time. Thanks!”
I didn’t know what to say. I had already starting being an impoverished writer so I cashed the check (I’m not a good person), gave him a quick call, confirmed he was ok and moved on. That was four years ago.
We spoke a little while ago. He told me that he spent two, three years casually dating but, in his heart, he thought that she might come back. They spoke occasionally. He got a call from her and she said that she was coming to visit America and would like to see him for dinner.
He was excited, of course, but when they sat down, she said that she came because she heard a bit of hope in his voice the last time they spoke. It bothered her that whole time so she flew 24+ hours to give him closure.
He said it was the nicest thing anyone ever did for him. He knew where he stood – that made him free.
I think he’s doing well now.
Anywho, I think about the ex a lot less and I think I’m almost at the point that I want to do something like that for her. The last time we spoke, I heard in her voice something like hope and I’m not looking for that right now. She’s not the girl I loved and I’m def. not that guy anymore. Oh, but what do I know?
I’ve become bland and malicious.
I’ve been doing a lot of things I’m not…oh you know…
So that’s where I am right now, just south of nowhere and east of limbo.
The weather’s crappy.
Location: South of nowhere and east of limbo.
Mood: Tired
Music: I’ma scuffle and struggle till I’m breathless and weak
My insomnia’s resulting in a lot more late night eating than usual. Better hit the gym soon.
Someone from my past dropped me a meaningless email today. But it stopped me cold. It’s so weird how someone can encompass your life and then, much later, just shoot you a random email about randomness. It made me feel very much adrift.
Speaking of which, had dinner with a very old friend of mine yesterday who happens to be a head-shrinker. Told him that I just wanted to hop the next plane to anywhere and he laughed and said that, generally, people that have a desire to travel are looking for a place to call home.
How random.
Location: @11:00, in Billyburg, talking to a 23 YO communist woman
Mood: Tired
Music: tonight, tonight, I’m on my way, I’m on my way home