On my knees again
Doctor: You’re not having a good day?
Me: I’ve had better.
Him: (pause) Well, it’s about to get a lot worse.
So after I wrote the last entry, went on with my day. Later that night, got another phone call for a wholly different reason.
Like last time, I could handle it all, if it was only one at a time.
Spent the day slogging from offices to offices in the blinding snow, trying to make sense of a litany of things that make no sense; making decisions I’m ill-prepared to make.
Him: Well, you gotta figure that this is rock bottom.
Me: No, there’s always room for more down.
But I went to teach my fencing class last night and for about 90 minutes, I got to put down the things I’d been carrying all day.
It’s a blessing to have things in your life where you can put down the weights you bear.
Student: This wasn’t what I expected.
Me: We’re not here to dance, we’re here to fight. We’re here to struggle. Life’s a struggle we all lose one day. But until then, we struggle.
Never saw that student again.
The thing with leaving things at a doorway is that, ultimately, you have to pick them up again on your way out.
So I do, trudging home in the snow, bearing it.
And I swear that the whole goddamned weight of it all is sinking me deeper into the snow.
If you write or see me, I won’t tell you so please don’t ask. As with last time, I’ll tell you when I’m ready.