Him: Are you alive, Logan?
Me: Biologically? Yes. I respirate, ambulate, defecate, urinate, and – occasionally – fornicate. But everything’s a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy again. (looking at my hand) And my goddamn hands won’t stop shaking.
This fella named Zhuangzi once wrote that he had a dream that he was a butterfly dreaming he was a man.
For the rest of his life, he wondered if he was a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or whether he was a butterfly, dreaming he was a man.
Between that story and the that line about everything being a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy is how I’d describe functioning recently.
I use “functioning” loosely. Dunno what real and what’s for sale.
The last two months have been rough but the last week has been absolutely surreal. I’ll tell you about what I can when I can.
However, some things are clearer in my head than they’ve been in a while, which I think is probably a good thing.
I once said that all of your life’s problems can be divided up into health, wealth, and relationships.
If one goes south, you’re a wreck. Two, you need to stop everything and right the ship. Three…you need help.
All three came down on me in the past 10 days in unexpected ways. Very unexpected ways.
But help comes from unexpected places too.
Him: Here. (hands me cash)
Me: That’s a lot more than the gig required. Honestly, the kid coulda handled it himself. (thinking) If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying give me some pity scratch.
Him: (slight smile)That doesn’t sound like me. But I do think I owe you like $5K.
Me: That you earned. (thinking) Someone’s been breaking into alla my accounts. Is it you?
Him: I’m old school. You know I don’t do tech. (shaking head) I’m a businessman now. For everything you think of me…. Look, we were kids. I’m sorry.
Me: A chick I met at a party once told me that I hurt people and I laughed and said, “If I’m honest, how can I hurt anyone?” But I get it now. Everyone’s sorry for the awful things they do to others. I know I am. (laughing) You know, at this point in time, you may be the only friend that knows who I really am and stuck around?
Him: What’re you saying?
Me: I’m saying I hope this isn’t a long con, man. I’m rough. I need sleep. I need scratch. I just wanna forget everyone and everything but the boy.
Him: You already got fucked by the world. For what it’s worth, I betrayed you when you were up. You have rules? I have fucking rules too. I don’t kick a man when he’s down. And you – friend – are the most down motherfucker I know. Like you said, it’s all just time and chance. We’re not kids anymore, hustling nickels and dimes. (sighing) Keep the money. Get some sleep, Logan.
Location: nightmareland, still
Mood: so exhausted
Music: It couldn’t be a dream, cause too real it all seems