DC Fat Darrell


Skip the first 30 seconds.

Weird thing was that I wrote a short story about a decade ago about a fairy godmother that I swear I told him about. But his version and mine’re vastly different.

Lemme know whatcha think.

Subway metro in Washington DC

Got a call at 1AM the other night from the girlie that I chatted to on a Gramercy stoop. She said I was one of the only people she trusted not to screw her over. Took that to heart and stayed awake to talk to her.

Her: So what do I do about him?
Me: Look, we all got this map of the world in our heads. And emotional pain happens when your reality doesn’t match your map. It’s like if you expect Broadway to be somewhere cause the map says so, but it’s not. So you’re thinking, WTH?
Her: So what do I do?
Me: (sighing) Y’only got three choices: change your map, change your reality or keep crying.
Downtown skyline

Question: What’s the only mammal that can’t jump?

Went to a house party on a roof the other night. Something about the NYC skyline y’can’t get elsewhere. But went to DC afterward anyway.

DC was nice. Hot. Very hot. Spent mosta the time in the museums: Natural History and American History. Place was packed; kinda gives y’hope about the future if the museums’re packed, yeah?

Managed to score a suite at the GWU Inn; had a view of Watergate. Ugly as sin.

The room was a suite cause it had a stove and fridge, meaning that we loaded up at the Trader’s Joe around the way. Then, on the way back, stopped off at Rutgers to get a Fat Darrell.

View from room to Watergate

Felt like a tubster so wrestled today. If one’s 36 with a broken middle finger, injured neck, and tennis elbow, you’d think one’d not wrestle with 20-year olds at 99% humidity.

Then again, making good choices isn’t my thing.

Anywho, a client finally called me today. Heading upstate tomorrow to try to make some scratch.

Oh, and…elephant.

Rutgers Fat Darrell


Location: 12:00, getting pinned on 27th
Mood: hot
Music: let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France



Location: 20036
Mood: okay
Music: And I’ll see her when I wake…

Clock on 5th Avenue

My grandmother passed this time last year so gonna take the night off.

Was in DC this past weekend; post about it later.


Worth the Trouble

Location: 4 hours ago, looking for a White Castle on 6th
Mood: sotted
Music: all I ever knew, only you

: Where’re you?
Me: I’m with a buddy looking for a White Castle.
Him: So, are you “Harold” or “Kumar?”
Me: Clearly, I’m Harold.

Went to my buddy Kung‘s birthday party; this year, made it home before the sun set versus last year when I made it home as the sun rose. Getting old. Sheridan floated me into another high society open bar joint with a BBQ on a rooftop but I couldn’t get in touch with him. Just as well. Instead, caught up with a friend that was recently given his walking papers.

Me: Y’should go try starting over somewhere else. There’s nothing keeping y’here.
Him: My friends’re here.
Me: Your friends’ll still be your friends – I mean not me, but your real friends. I’ll forget about you before you leave. Besides, then you can meet someone that not a total idiot like you last girlfriend.
Him: She wasn’t stupid. She was…average.
Me: Calling her a “moron” would be an insult to all the real morons out there.
Him: (laughing) That’s not fair, we’ve above average intelligence. You can’t hold people to a higher standard.
Me: Please – someone stole my life’s savings, how smart could I be?
Him: You’re at least as smart as me.
Me: (laughing) That’s really not saying much.
Him: Anyway, she did good in her last class.
Me: WELL – “she did well in her last class.”
Him: (mock annoyance) I’m a physicist, “well/good,” it’s all the same to us. And yeah, maybe she wasn’t really all that smart or even that attractive. (sighing) But…I still loved her. It’s stupid, I know but…
Me: Yeah…I know. I know.

For better or worse, y’got no control who you fall in love with. If you’re lucky, it’s with someone who’s worth the trouble.

Speaking of worth the trouble, going to DC for a mental health break with a pretty lady this weekend.

YASYCTAI: It’s time for a mental health break, no? (72 hours/2 pts)


…you’re speaking Martian?


BBQ picnic with glass of wine

Buddy once told me this story once, maybe it was on SNL, where this really lonely dude had this affliction where he could only talk in a really sarcastic voice. Yet everything he said was in earnest.

Her: Do you wanna play?
Him: Oh puh-lease, I totally wanna play with someone like you. Like I’m so lonely…
Her: Jerk…

And yet he did. My buddy, who’s not a sentimental fella, said it was poignant.

Consider this, it’s said that: Communication isn’t what the speaker says, it’s what the listener hears.

And my weekend sucked cause…don’t it feel like sometimes that everyone’s speaking English and you’re speaking Martian?

Me: How much longer till the food’s ready?
Him: (laughing) Shaddup and drink your girlie pink wine.
Me: Oh, I’m drinking it…y’watch…I’m drinking it…

OK fine, it didn’t totally suck; saw a lotta old friends the past two days. Lemme give you the Zone Improvement Plan version:

  • Drive up to 10804 to have some rosé and, possibly, an entire pig.
  • Wanted to stay but had to drive to 07030 deal with some baggage.
  • Then drive to 10024 to discuss my sinful life I enjoy a bit too much. Fella stops by and I tell him to take his chances while he can.
  • Crash and then wake to walk to 10023 and mail something to 91326 fore saying goodbye to the HEI.
  • She’s leaving 10001 to maybe make a go with fella around 94117. Tell her to take her chances too. She’s leaving my Venn diagram after all, but she says that she’ll send me an email from time to time.
  • Can’t chat for long though; have to dash to 10018 to meet up with a friend for an Irish Breakfast.
  • Pat him on the back fore running down to 10010‎ to get a kiss and a cuppa joe.
  • Want to stay longer but take the bus to 10019 to get x-rayed. Lady asks me to give her the finger and then laughs when she realizes what she asked. But I do anyway.
  • Happened to be by my old law school at 10023 so walk there and sweet-talk a girlie into letting me into the school for the first time in 10 years.
  • Was a nice day so stroll up to 10024 where I meet up with WM for 20 wings and a pitcher of beer.

Saw no less than 20 people in two days but…don’t it feel like sometimes that everyone’s speaking English and you’re speaking Martian?

Or that y’keep saying the same things over again but no one ever hears?

Buddy once told me this story once, maybe it was on SNL…

Fordham Law School Atrium


Location: giving her the finger on 59th Street
Mood: full
Music: maybe I’m the broken one


Broken but un-roasted

A clumsy summer day where I saw the unfunny film, Funny People

A metro station in Washington DC

Her: (looking at tourists) They’re not getting the full New York City experience.
Me: How so?
Her: They’re going to go home and tell everyone, “New York City’s so pleasant in the summertime.”

For years, told people that NY only has three seasons: Fall, Winter and Summer. I’m the kinda guy where it can be 80 degrees and I’m melting. Going down the subway’s like descending into Dante’s Inferno; Seventh Circle at least – Ninth if it’s Times Square.

In short: Summer’s not kind to me. Usually. This summer, though, with most days in July between 70-80 (21-26C) degrees and low humidity, been happy as a clam.

A cool, un-roasted, clam.


Saw the sneak preview of Funny People. Was…funny, but every single joke a was a penis joke. Plus it was 220 minutes cause it was a sneak preview.

220 minutes of penis jokes wears thin. Both my date and I were bored after an hour.

Like I said, crass is only so funny; don’t get me wrong, it was funny. Just could have been tighter, shorter, faster, better.


Evidently, I’ve dislocated my middle finger while wrestling. Popped it back a bit later. It was…unpleasant.

Gotta go to the doc. Again. It’s amazing I’ve lasted as long as I have considering how clumsy I am.

I’d show you it but that’d mean I’d have to give you the middle finger.

Yes, it’s come to this: middle finger jokes.

Location: 19:00 yest., Wild Ginger on Washington
Mood: cool
Music: bruising knees, Hot July ain’t good to me
YASYCTAI: Have you seen a sneak preview before? If you’re in NYC, get tickets in front of the 66th Street Lowes most Wednesdays around 3. (5 mins/0.5 pts)



Location: 15:30 yest, the 66th Street B&N;
Mood: over-caffeinated
Music: Always wanted to see the colours of your destiny

A pan of read corned beef hash from Nonna in the UWS

: (laughing hysterically) When did you do that?
Me: Breathe mom, breathe…

Had dinner at the Telephone Bar the other night before catching Paul for a party at the same place as this entry. Same people, same discussions, worse weather but good all around.

Spent mosta the night trying to pick up this one girlie Paul mentioned he found attractive; that is until he saw her up close and decided wasn’t his type. Oh well, at least it kept me busy.

The next day I had myself brunch around the way at a joint called Nonna where I had real corned beef hash; like not from a can.

It’s these little things that make my day.


Been working on the manuscript again; this’s now year seven. Should really just finish it now that I got the time.

Y’ever pick up something you wrote before and think, What the hell was I thinking when I wrote that? Literally, every single year I work on it, have that same thought.

Speaking of older stuff, my mom somehow found Bachelor Cooking, which I think is the best thing Rain and I’ve done together. Maybe we should dust it off again. Cept we can’t stand working with each other.

In close to three years of writing On (or close) to Schedule, never mentioned why I don’t curse or why I’m deliberately vague. It’s cause I assume that my mom’ll, or someone from RL’ll find it.

It’s made me a better writer, I think.

Pound-for-pound, the funniest comedian out there is Brian Regan. And he’s beyond clean. And the pinnacle of television comedy, IMHO, is The Contest; which is both completely filthy and completely clean at the same time.

That’s really hard.

Don’t get my wrong, my manuscript’s nuthin like this blog; it’s pretty salty. But all of this stuff I put up online, put up knowing that online stuff’s forever.

This blog could have easily gone the way of a sleezy, douchey, caricature. Instead, went the way of a clumsy nerd who ends up looking like an idiot as much as he doesn’t.

Realized also, wasn’t so much offended by raunchy, filthy, foul-mouthed posts, myspace/twitter musings and blogs – was just kinda bored by it.

Started wearing white again after bout 15 years of not. Cause, being as clumsy as I am, it’s near impossible to keep something clean. But, for me, it’s just better that way.

Me: (a minute later) So what did you think of it?
Her: (still laughing)
Me: Ok, I’m gonna go now…
YASYCTAI: Try writing something a completely different way. (30 mins/1 pt)


The purpose of life is…

Lake in Central Park

Let’s play a game; finish this sentence and then I’ll see you on the other side of this quick post:

The purpose of life is ______________.


Got an email the other day from out of the blue from someone I dated.

…and i know this is random, but for what it’s worth, thank you for never having sex with me, when we were seeing each other. i wish i could expand on that further, but something tells me that i don’t really have to, i know you understand.

Also got an email and $40 from my friend 0utre cause I sent her slim coin for a paring knife a few years back when I had some spare scratch.

I took that paring knife with me everywhere. I won’t ever forget your kindness to me then and now, may we meet someday so I can return the kindness once again in person in a more human manner. Kindest Regards.

Finally, someone else wrote me and said,

Logan, you don’t know me – well, that’s not completely true. I met you once and you mentioned the blog so I read you. And keep reading. The funny thing is that I find myself saying things that you said in your blog in conversations with other people. And I wanted to say thanks because you make me think of good things. Most things I read don’t.


Everyone finishes that sentence differently. Here’s the thing – how you finish that sentence shapes how you live your life (or vice versa).

Consider how differently these guys live their lives:

  • The purpose of life is to have a good time.
  • The purpose of life to become closer to God.
  • The purpose of life is to raise good members of society.
  • The purpose of life it to get what you can, when you can.
  • The purpose of life is to live for the moment.

My answer?

Well, suppose that’s a post for another time. Do wanna say that it was very different not that long ago when I was friends with the Devil and didn’t have to unwrap my food. In fact, it was onea the above.

Which one? That too’s a post for a different time, yeah?

But I wanna say thanks to the girlie I dated, Outre and my anonymous fan. Maybe I’m on the right path to fulfilling my true purpose.

Location: 18:30 yest, watching geese in the Hudson
Mood: grateful
Music: hold on, hold on let me get the words out before I burst


My 4th Weekend, 2009

Location: 20:00, Sheep Meadow with a bottle of wine
Mood: thinking
Music: perhaps a bottle of Rose instead

Fireworks on Riverside Park, 4th of July, 2009 with a cell phone mobile in the foreground

Rain popped by to talk some shop. Good catching up with him. Had a cigarette; don’t really know why. Felt sick and regretted it instantly.

Suppose I’ll regret it more when I’m on the mat and someone’s trying to choke me out.

Had a dinner of wine and a sandwich on the grass in Sheep Meadow with my pretty lady, watching two girlies trying to fly a kite.

They never got it up but they kept trying.

More fireworks

Hope you had a nice holiday weekend if y’had a holiday weekend. Me? Worked on the cellar again on the fourth and then popped by the rents to fix their DVR.

Sped home just in time to see the fireworks by my lonely. Got a bit anxious, actually. A sea of people around me in a limited space.

But everyone was super polite and cool. Zero street beef. It was nice; crowd was almost silent, just watching the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air.

More fireworks

Slipped outta there fore the crowd surged home.

Oh, this is before people started pouring in – more than double that amount ended up being there:

The Riverside Park pier before the 2009 fireworks

Yep – Germany‘s pretty and China’s interesting but the US’s still the best country in the world, yeah?

Let’s hope those drums stay silent a little longer.

Fireworks on Riverside Park, 4th of July, 2009

YASYCTAI: Have you seen Band of Brothers? Y’really should. It’s very good. Had drinks years ago with the guy that died in the foxhole in the film. Cool dude. (705 mins/2 pts)


…blue sea

Location: 22:00, yest, scrubbing my cellar
Mood: thoughtful
Music: there’s reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last

View of NYC from the Hudson.

Just found out an ex had another kid. A boy. And Germany’s on my mind again.

And other ghosts from my past keep making appearances.

Him: You’re so naive, Logan.
Me: The difference between you and me, is that I think people’re inherently bad, but can do great things. You think people’re inherently good – but y’like knowing how dirty they can become.
Him: (laughing) Alla these Europeans and Americans so pissed off about their white Christian children dying in Iraq and Somalia for brown Muslim babies; they got no problem saving white Muslim babies in Bosnia or Serbia. But man, brown ones? They go nuts. That is, until they can’t afford their plasma TVs.
Me: Enough…
Him: Why? Cause you know I’m right? The saying goes that, the things that piss you off the most (lowers voice) are the things you know, in your heart, are true.

There’s another saying that goes, it’s always a choice Between the Devil and the deep…

View of NYC from the Hudson.

(c) Aki Muira

: Have a relaxing fourth of July if you’re on my side of the world. Y’should have even if you’re not. (48 hours/0.5 pts)