Tag: clumsy

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California 2012 Travelogue: Day 2

Coffee, Stairs, and an Engagement

Coffee percolator

Him: Morning!
Me: Morning – I need coffee and Mexican food.

Next day, wake up at my brother’s and, per my usual routine, have coffee. Unfortunately, they only have percolator coffee, which isn’t my favourite but beggars can’t be choosers. At least the pot looks nice.

While going down the stairs, I slip and slide down to the bottom.

Him: You ok?!
Me: I bruised my knee but I think I’m ok. These stairs are dangerous! Do people slip on them all the time?
Him: Nope, you’re the first.
Me: (getting up) Of course I am.

Damn you stairs, my forever enemy.

Mexican restaurant in LA

Him, his girl, and I head off to the local Mexican place. It’s a place that has polite waiters, clean tables, actual silverware, and food you don’t need to unwrap.

Me: (scowling) This isn’t the type of Mexican food I wanted. I wanted food stand food.
Him: Why?
Me: It’s what I eat! Plus the wife’s not here.

Still, it’s excellent. I order the fish tacos as I told my wife before I left, that my goal was to eat as many fish tacos as I could here.

Fish tacos in NYC

After my bro clean up the house for his party. I meet a guy that does the same fencing as I do so we chat for a bit before I politely leave. I’m beat so slip off to bed as I hear my brother start to sing “Hey Jude.” After a few hours, there’s a banging on my door.

Brother: Hey, come back up. I’m asking her to marry me.
Me: Get outta here! (looking down) Suppose I should put on some clothes.

Went back and my bro did the deed on bended knee.

She said yes. It was lovely.

Afterward, went back to the room and lay in bed for five hours wide-awake listening to really drunk karaoke. This was not lovely.

If I am condemned to hell, I imagine it will involve karaoke.

Congrats to my bro!

Location: a guest bedroom, listening to more karaoke
Mood: exhausted
Music: you’ll begin to make it better better better better better better, oh
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personal

Mother is the name for God

Me: Do you have a 紅包 (red envelope)? I want to give a business associate a gift.
Mom: (excitedly) Oh, I have just the thing! (disappears and returns a moment later)
Me: Mom! I’m not giving a Hello Kitty envelope to anyone. Ever.
Her: (disappointed) But it’s so cute…. Soooo, cute.

Couldn’t make it out on the actual mother’s day to see my mom but did see her on Friday.

She eventually gave me some envelopes with the word “luck” on it and told me to hang one upside down over the door frame so the luck would pour down on me.

Told her that my luck is of the odd stripe, but did any way cause she’s my momma.

In The Crow, the hero/anti-hero quotes a fellow named William Makepeace Thackeray who said that Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.

Truer words were never spoken.

Me: Do you want to go on a bike ride?
Her: OK.

The wife and I took a spin on Saturday. The weather was perfect. We went from the 50s to the 90s and back again before grabbing a bite to eat outside.

Everything went just fine until I dropped my brand new bike light into the Hudson River. Me and my darned luck. The red envelope musta been empty.

Me: It looks like every time we go out for a ride, we’re going to spend about $12 on a new tire or a new light.
Her: Looks that way.

It’s a small price to pay.

Location: desk, waiting for people to get back to me
Mood: anxious
Music: I feel so low, Mamma, where do I go?
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personal

Where life takes you

 

Building off Cooper Square in NYC

A buddy I’ve not seen in a bit came by the other day. We went out for a walk and randomly a friend of his invited him over to eat. So he invited me.

Next thing you know we’re on a cab heading west and sitting in some girl’s kitchen having some hommade jook and I’m moving a cello and he’s hanging a tapestry.

Funny where the day takes you sometimes.

———-

Katsmw: Logan, I’ve told you this several times before!
Me: Sorry – most of the 90s and the first half of the 2000s were a blur to me.
Her: Why is that?
Me: My insomnia. Once I started sleeping well a few days in a row, it was like putting on glasses and seeing clearly.

Had some other friends over last night; an old college buddy and his wife. Made a roasted rack of lamb, potatoes, salad with blue cheese and cranberries rounded off with some gluhwein.

Afterward, played some Scattergories (lost one round and tied one round) and introduced him to the wonderful worlda rum.

At some point, y’sit around and chat about stories in college. Like how my buddy would come back from a hard run and then have a cigarette. He’s since quit. 17 years I’ve known the fella. It’s nice seeing how things change with old friends.

And how much things stay the same.

Me: (dropping carving knife onto floor) YIKES!
Everyone: Whoa!
Her: That could have cut off your toe!
Him: It fell into his lap first (laughing) so a toe woulda been the least of his problems.


Location: on way to Yonkers
Mood: busy
Music: with lovers and friends I still can recall

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personal

Broken but un-roasted

A clumsy summer day where I saw the unfunny film, Funny People

A metro station in Washington DC

Her: (looking at tourists) They’re not getting the full New York City experience.
Me: How so?
Her: They’re going to go home and tell everyone, “New York City’s so pleasant in the summertime.”

For years, told people that NY only has three seasons: Fall, Winter and Summer. I’m the kinda guy where it can be 80 degrees and I’m melting. Going down the subway’s like descending into Dante’s Inferno; Seventh Circle at least – Ninth if it’s Times Square.

In short: Summer’s not kind to me. Usually. This summer, though, with most days in July between 70-80 (21-26C) degrees and low humidity, been happy as a clam.

A cool, un-roasted, clam.

———-

Saw the sneak preview of Funny People. Was…funny, but every single joke a was a penis joke. Plus it was 220 minutes cause it was a sneak preview.

220 minutes of penis jokes wears thin. Both my date and I were bored after an hour.

Like I said, crass is only so funny; don’t get me wrong, it was funny. Just could have been tighter, shorter, faster, better.

———-

Evidently, I’ve dislocated my middle finger while wrestling. Popped it back a bit later. It was…unpleasant.

Gotta go to the doc. Again. It’s amazing I’ve lasted as long as I have considering how clumsy I am.

I’d show you it but that’d mean I’d have to give you the middle finger.

Yes, it’s come to this: middle finger jokes.

Location: 19:00 yest., Wild Ginger on Washington
Mood: cool
Music: bruising knees, Hot July ain’t good to me
YASYCTAI: Have you seen a sneak preview before? If you’re in NYC, get tickets in front of the 66th Street Lowes most Wednesdays around 3. (5 mins/0.5 pts)

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personal

Oatmeal or gruel? Vicodin or Rum?

A root canal is nowhere near as fun as you might imagine

A tribeca apartment stoop

Her: Let’s get going to see the dentist.
Me: OK, just lemme grab my keys. (sound of cloth ripping) Um, I think I just ripped my pants.
Her: (shakes head) I’m going to wait upstairs.

Had my second root canal today. If you’re contemplating getting one, reconsider. They are not nearly as fun as you might imagine. Visit three of nine.

Know what you never wanna hear your dentist say? Well, that’s unusual. That’s what y’never wanna hear your dentist say.

Assistant: Do you want more Novocaine?
Me: (muffled) God yes.

Actually been sleeping better, what with the quantity of drugs in my system. I also bought myself a mouth guard for teeth grinding at night, so that must be helping too.  But when I’m not sleeping, I’m reading Outliers. Probably his best book – and I liked the other two. Y’should read it. We’ll discuss when I’m not so cloudy.

Saw my mom for dinner.

Her: You’re coming home for dinner? (thinking) I’ll make oatmeal then.
Me: NO MORE OATMEAL!

Instead, had rice gruel and 10,000 year old egg. So. Painful. Least it wasn’t oatmeal. To add insult to injury, evidently washing down vicodin with rum is strongly discouraged. Which means I gotta choose which pain reliever I love more.

Me: …sorta felt like a hammer slamming into my tooth…
Brother: (interrupting) Y’know, using the words hammer and tooth in the same sentence results in, one would say, dubious enjoyment potential.

On the plus side, I’m gonna see me some Fleetwood Mac tonight. But first I gotta prep breakfast.

Two guesses what I’m having.

Location: 15:07 yest, getting drilled in Queens
Mood: more ouch
Music: sings a song Sounds like she’s singing oooh baby
YASYCTAI: Eat more oatmeal – (a) because why should I be only one that has to and (b) it’s good for you. Keep telling yourself that. (50 mins/1 pt)

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personal

Profitable but clumsy

We’ve got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself.

Groucho – A Night in Casablanca

I’m profitable for June. Only by a couplea hundred bucks. Still…tiny win is better than no win at all.

———-

Me: Sit on this side.
Her: (shaking head) No, that’s what they do in Portugal and I don’t like that.
Me: (rolling eyes) It’ll just mean that I’ve gotta lean across the table to kiss you. And I’m terribly clumsy. I mean, I’ll still do it and you’ll like it. I’m just saying, we’re taking a risk.
Her: (laughs) You’re a weirdo.

Had dinner at the Maritime Hotel on Wednesday with Heartgirl and drinks round the meatpacking district. We’re supposed to go to Kanvas but it shut down. Of course.

Also seeing her Saturday, which is a big deal cause: (a) Fridays and Saturdays are for your friends and significant others and (b) she’s still not over her ex. And yet…Saturday night. I’m stupid like that.

It’s hard coordinating schedules – I’m always busy when they’re free or vice versa. Haven’t seen CakeDecorator, Blue-Eyed Girl or anyone else in a week.

Scored a Classic Room at the Borgata tomorrow but no girlie I’m seeing has made it to that, Hey, let’s spend a night at a five star hotel together, level so I just gave the room away. Even though no throwing down would be involved, I highly doubt that any of the women I’m seeing’d believe me if I told them that.

Not sure I believe me, come to think of it.

Location: bed
Mood: satisfied
Music: Honestly what will become of me

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dating personal

Mother’s Day 2008

Location: 20 mins ago, making a smoothie in my kitchen
Mood: anxious
Music: I still believe there’s something left for you and me

Another weekend – pretty much like every other. Crashed a few parties, met a few girlies, the usual spring twirl. Spilled a drink on this guy that was too blotto to realize it. Clumsy me.

Told you that I’m terribly clumsy, yeah? Fell down some stairs a few years ago and the left side of my face was crushed in. After some work, the doctors sewed me up. Met up with each of my family individually and they each said, I can’t see it. But a second after my mom walked upstairs, she immediately, and wordlessly, burst into tears . The first thing she said was, I’ll pay for plastic surgery. I laughed.

Mothers know their kids, I think.

When my drama first came down, she called me to tell me to come home. Told her I was too busy. But she demanded that I come. So I rummaged around for the best smile I could find and wore it home. You look great, my dad said.

But my mom took one look at me and burst into tears. Like I said, mothers know their kids.

She told me I could always move back home and that made me laugh. Great, I said, I’ll be a 35 year old man living with his parents. (on the positive side, that’d certainly solve my dating dilemmas right quick).

I’d cook, she said.

That made me laugh even more. So I gave her a kiss and told her that if it came down to it, I’d do that. That seemed to make her happy. She says that she knows I’ll be fine. Mothers know their kids so I hope she’s right.

Did I ever tell you my mom’s a writer? She gets published a lot more than me. It’s from her side of the family; my grandfather’s a writer too. All this comes from her.

Off to see her now.

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personal

Oh, this doesn’t look good…

Just broke another computer

 

…this doesn’t look good at all.

I am seriously the most clumsy person I know.

Location: In front of my cracked computer screen
Mood: dismayed
Music: This town is crazy, but nobody cares