The light has gone out
Friend: Sorry to call. We’re all just worried about you. (pause) Ridiculous question but: How are you?
Me: Drunk and heartbroken. You?
Him: It’s 10AM.
Me: I like to get an early start on things.
Teddy Roosevelt made a few appearances in this blog in the past. The entry I wrote about Xenophen wanting to die with his feet facing home, is one of my favourites and that picture is a statue of Roosevelt.
And I wrote another entry with a quote from him about daring greatly.
Always had an affinity for Teddy, but I’m hoping that it’s not because we will share similar fates.
See, Roosevelt was a New Yorker, like me. He lived walking distance to my pad, not too far from where I went to law school.
He was 25 and in Albany when he heard that his wife Alice gave birth to his daughter. So he rushed home – partly to see his daughter, and partly because his mom was sick.
By the time he got home to 6 West 57th Street, it was too late. His mom had died.
But the sick twist is that his wife died just 11 hours later from a completely unforeseen kidney issue. She was only 22.
Teddy kept a diary where he simply wrote a large black X and a single sentence: The light has gone out of my life.
I remember hearing that story as a kid and it affected me enough that I remembered it. But not so much that I truly appreciated what it must have meant to Teddy.
He couldn’t handle it. He gave his daughter to his sister to raise, put away everything that reminded him of Alice, and moved to North Dakota.
And he never spoke of Alice again and wouldn’t allow those around him to mention her name again. She didn’t even appear in his autobiography.
While that’s a bit much, I understand it.
After seeing my dad, spent the last week putting away as much of her things as possible; donating and tossing what I can. There are pictures and reminders of her everywhere.
They’re like constant papercuts over my shattered self.
Soon, everything will have been put away. And at some point, I’ll have to put Alison away.
Partly because, in the back of my mind, I worry that my other atomic bomb will go off. Mainly because my kid and my dad need me. Won’t be able to function if I don’t and they need me to function.
But, unlike Teddy, I’d never put Alison away completely.
Because, she was the best part of me and I need to give Nate the best of me. So that means keeping her here for him.
I just need a little time.
Location: in front of some rum
Mood: the same
Music: Now I can see love’s taken her toll on me
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10 Replies to “Alison Music: Oh, I’d better learn how to face it”
So very sorry. There are no other words I can think of…
The light of your life may be gone , but her light will never leave your heart. I know that.
Hugs. Hugs x 1000. Hugs x 1000 from these Internet strangers who hurt and weep alongside you all the same. Hugs to grieve, to balm, to nourish, to put that 0.5% of pain away for a moment, maybe two. Hugs to cradle that tiny spark of love that quietly remains beneath the crushing sadness. We are here for you, Logan.
An Internet stranger here who has been following your story after reading about it on Speaking of China blog.
I believe that God put you in front of Alison because he knew that she would need someone stronger than strong and kinder than kind to fight along with her, for her, for that 1% in 1% chance. And you proved your mettle. Because I would have perished long back if life had handed me over the cards that you were/are given. The unfairness of it all baffles me.
Please know that I grieve with you and pray for you, Nate, and your father everyday.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
I’ve been trying to determine when we met exactly. At least 10-12 years ago when you came to my cousins party in NJ with his friend. I loved meeting you and felt we could have been great friends, had we lived in the same area. We became fb friends and while years passed, like many others on here, I followed your life through your blog. Admittedly, I remember feeling sad when you ended it, because I found myself enjoying reading a real blog. Life’s nuances and problems, as I would talk about them. Not sugar coated. And then everything happened with Alison. And my heart broke and continued to as the disease progressed. Sorry doesn’t cut it… and I just don’t have the words to say how your family has impacted me. I have shared your story so many times- You and your family’s strength and love is unparalleled, quite frankly. I’m sure none of this is helpful right now and may never be. But I re-read your story from start to finish this week- & would spend more sleepless nights reading about heartgirl and the guy who fell in love with her. God bless you, Alison and Nathan.
Hi Logan. First of all, I offer my deepest condolences for your loss. Alison is a great person with a heart of gold and your love story, especially your standfast devotion to your beloved, has inspired many, many.
Like many others, I found your blog and story from Jocelyn’s site Speaking Of China as I am a faithful reader and participant in it’s various topics. Even though I may not know you on a personal basis, I feel that I should offer my support to you and your family in this time of need by giving you kind words and as much advice as I can manage.
Both your family and Alison’s must remain united and stick together and I say this from personal experience that the best possible way to deal with some of the most cruel blows that life deals us, is to have as many close friends and loved ones by your side as possible. A lot of people may not know but the amount of people you can count on in your life can mean a huge difference when you or someone else is going through difficulties. That is why in Chinese, we have a term called DA JIA TING. Which means big family. As my mother is from Shanghai, she always says that the most important part of daily life in Shanghai is meeting up with every member of the family including extended relatives and then booking a reserve room at any large restaurant or tea place at least once or twice a week. Sometimes more. Why? Because having a large family that is close and united means that whenever someone may be facing a crisis, there is overlapping layers of mutual support and care, and that is the most important thing we can have in life.
Nathan is very young right now and making sure that he has a powerful support system to protect and nurture him is the most critical. For he is the most vulnerable of all at this moment of tragedy. He MUST know that he is growing up in a very large family who love him dearly and is there to protect and encourage him every step of the way. And he MUST know that even though sadness and tragedy happens in life, he is surrounded by strong, nurturing and positive people who will band together to face and solve ANY challenge with courage and determination. After all, if life is an ocean and a storm approaches on the horizon, would you and Nathan rather be on a small rickety fishing yacht, or a massive freighter or icebreaker with many strong and able crew members on board?
If there exists even the slightest disagreements between your family and Alison’s, these disagreements must be discarded forever and you must stay united as a DA JIA TING in the truest sense. Because you ARE and ALWAYS will be ONE family. The incredible devotion that you, Alison and Nathan have for each other has made sure of that.
Now, until we speak again,
Take care, stay strong and remember that everyone who is reading and responding to your story, will be there to offer as much support and friendship as we possibly can.