You’re kidding me, right?
Me: Hi, dad. How’re you feeling?
Him: (tearing up) I’m so, so sorry.
Alison’s mother finally went home the other day. She came here with such joy, expecting to stay only a few days. She left heartbroken almost two years later. I grieve for myself, for Alison, for Nate, for her family, and for her.
I just grieve in general. But I don’t even have time to do that properly.
See, she took Nate with her for a week because I needed to attend to a completely new catastrophe.
It’s about time to tell you about one of the other two atomic bombs in my life: My father has Stage 4 Lung Cancer.
Do you read me and think: You’re kidding me, right?
Cause that’s pretty much how I’ve been going through life the past five years. Wake up and think: You’re kidding me, right?
The kicker’s that he’s never smoked a day in his life. Just like Alison didn’t fit the profile of a glioblastoma. These two tragedies hit us from far outta nowhere.
And there was a third atomic bomb I’ve still not told you about.
In any case, it was him I went to see in the ER last week while Alison lay dying. Saw him again yesterday.
My heart gets no rest.
Couldn’t stay long. Can’t bear being in hospitals anymore. Spent too many goddamn days and nights in them these past two years.
It’s a good thing that my brother’s in town – he came to see my dad and check in on Alison. He was here when she passed.
He’s here right now and staying over most nights, I suspect to keep an eye on me. Don’t blame him. If I were in his shoes, I’d do the same.
Then again, life seems determined to break me. I won’t let it. Can’t let it.
At least my brother provides some much-needed levity from time-to-time.
Mom: For Nate, you need to find help you can trust.
Him: (to me) Well, all that time you spent looking for untrustworthy help was a complete waste.
Location: in bed for the first time in over a year-and-a-half
Mood: heartbroken
Music: Hopped on the metro and I make my way home
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3 replies on “No rest”
I’m not sure how you feel about Traditional Chinese Medicine, but I’m currently being treated for potential liver cancer with herbs. I can say from my own experience that I feel much better and healthier after a couple months of herbal treatment.
Although I do not live in New York, I’ve been following a TCM/Qigong practitioner who is based out of there. I enjoy his books, blog and giGong program which I attribute to part of my healing.
Feel free to check it out. Perhaps it may help your father in some way.
https://www.tcmworld.org/
Logan,
Like others, I have followed your story since the days of LJ. I was so happy when you found Alison, and now, I am so, so sorry to hear of this. Compounded with your father’s illness, to say it’s unfair is laughably inadequate. But it is. Know that there are people whom you’ve never met that are keeping you in their thoughts and wishing you peace, love, and comfort. I have no more words, just good thoughts for you, your son, and the rest of your family.
Deeply moved by your story and ability to write through the agony. Thought I would share http://www.goldenwillowretreat.com/
Maybe one day you could step away and give yourself a sanctuary to grieve in. Much love.