What if?

You’re not gonna believe this

Forgot to mention that I spent the 3rd of July on a boat. There’s an interesting story there, but I’ll tell you next time.

4th of July was never a special holiday. But it’s become one.

As I get older, I realize that I think about my dad during the 4th because he would bring us kids to fireworks and it would be something amazing to a young boy.

It really is meant for family. Except, I don’t have one. Not a complete one, anywho.

The very last time I saw fireworks with someone I loved was in 2012, almost a decade ago. I spent this one alone too.

Although, that was by choice.

Me: Wait, you deep fried them?
Him: Yeah, we deep fried the hot dogs but cooked burgers on the grill.
Me: Had I known this, my answer might have been different.

Maybe next year?

I spoke to Caligirl, the ABFF, and another friend.

Me: I interfered in your life because I wanted something. And you’re where you are now. I wonder if you woulda been happier had I stayed out of your life. Would you and he be fat and happy with some kids right now but for me wanting something different for you?
Her: Maybe. People create stories to justify the world. I would have told myself that I was happy. How true would it have been? I think partly, yes, but mostly frustration. I like my life now.
Me: I wonder if the two women I loved would have been happier if I never got involved in their lives. It’s a road I never go down for fear of what I might learn.

When I drink, I gain the courage to talk about things that rattle in my head but I’m too afraid to say out loud.

Me: What if Alison would be alive right now but for meeting me? Sine qua non. What if it was me?
Her: I don’t think that anything would have been different.
Me: But…what if it was me? Everything I touch turns to shit.
Her: Logan…
Me: (nodding)

The heiress and Alison share quite a bit.

But they share one thing that literally made me throw up.

Her: I had brain cancer. Less than a 12% chance to live. But I survived. I pay about $400,000 a month to stay alive.

Like I said, it’s all far darker that you would imagine. And there’s more but I’m sobering up now.

Me: It’s amazing that you’re here. That’s insane. But lucky. So lucky. I was on the other side of that luck.

There are times that I believe that there is, in fact, a god.

And man, does he fucking hate me. I think it’s all one big cosmic joke. I’m like King Midus but instead of gold, everything I touch turns to shit.

And instead of reeds, I have you – one of whom stole most of what I own.

I literally started laughing while writing this. What else can you do but laugh?

And throw up.

But at least I get consolation prizes. That’s gotta be worth something.

 

Location: dark places
Mood: suboptimal
Music: you pulled me inside out and outside in (Spotify)
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