Categories
personal

It was supposed to be bonus

Been doing stuff that I don’t really wanna do but feel I gotta do to try and survive all this.

Forgetting

Was looking for another babysitter for extra coverage today and I realized that Alison set up an account for us at UrbanSitter.

This is the picture she chose:

Don’t remember us setting it up because I’m purposely forgetting things.

A dozen years ago, I told you about a throwaway line from A Study in Scarlett where Sherlock Holmes said to Watson that the mind’s like an attic – you can only have so much crap in it before you run outta room.

That was really the start of my realizing that all we are are the sum of our memories. It’s a theme that comes up repeatedly in this blog, like in my Ship of Thesus Paradox entry.

So, after this entry, I decided to teach myself how to forget. And I did.

My reasons were rather mundane: Just wanted to clear my attic so I could put in more valuable things.

But now it’s more a question of survival. I need to forget things to make it to the other side.

You see, I remember how excited she and I were that the kid would be born in fall. Because that meant that our most joyous moments wouldn’t start in Thanksgiving – Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Year’s – but a month earlier in October (Halloween, Kid’s Birthday, Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Year’s).

Told you once that all emotional pain and joy happens in that gap between what you hope for and what you actually get.

      • If you expect to make $20,000 a year and you make $100,000, that $80,000 gap is joy.
      • If you expect to make $100,000 a year and you make $20,000, that $80,000 gap is pain.

We expected so much joy this season: The boy finally understands what Halloween and his birthday is all about.

It was all supposed to be bonus. These extra days of celebration were all supposed to be fucking bonus. Instead, it’s all hell.

Alla that joy and hope’s turned to misery and dread. And I can’t bear it.

I wanna forget everything except that I love this kid.

Like I said, Survival isn’t pretty. But, I gotta be ok for this kid.

And I won’t be ok remembering everything I remember.

There’s more, but I’ll tell you the rest later.

Location: I forget
Mood: I forgot
Music: I was wishing we could go back to how it was (Spotify)
Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

1 reply on “It was supposed to be bonus”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.