Dear Alison…you would have been 44 today

It’s Alison’s birthday. She was the girl I always loved, that’s all I know.

You’re the girl I’ve always loved, that’s all I know.

Him: Was mommy sad?
Me: (long pause, sigh) She was sad she had to leave me, but heartbroken that she had to leave you. She cried for an entire day.
Him: How did…
Me: (interrupting) I’m sorry, kiddo. I…I can’t talk about it for so long just yet. Is that OK?
Him: (nodding) That’s ok, papa. It’s ok. (gives me a hug)

Hi, Pretty Lady!

You would be 44 this year. That blows my mind.

Instead, you’re forever young.

I’m getting older – with a LOT more grey in my hair.

Only you would have noticed, though. I’ve been shaving a lot more because that salt-and-pepper beard of mine you used to love is essentially mostly salt these days.

I’m ever so vain. You’d probably say, “That’s my old man!”

And I would pretend to be offended but secretly amused because I knew you loved me.

The boy’s just amazing. He’s everything we ever dreamed of and so much more.

Can’t tell you how many times a day I wish you were here to hear him say something hilarious or sing something beautifully. Or see his perfect handwriting (obviously, he got that from you and not me).

He’s been asking questions about you. I’m always at a loss as to what to say. For years, I’ve told him I’d tell him about you, “someday.”

But, that’s not fair. So, I suck it up and try my best to tell him about you for as long as I can bear.

I’m able to last a bit longer each year.

Each year, it gets a little better. Not because I love you any less, but because I accept this bullshit that is my life and our situation all that much more.

For now, I often just tell him that, She’s the girl I’ve always loved, that’s all I know.

It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday.

The boy made you a gift but says he’ll give it to your mom instead because you loved her so much. He does too.

But it a special kinda painful that your birthday, Mother’s Day, and the day you died are all within two weeks of each other.

It’s a special kinda fucked-up but, then again, this whole situation is a special kinda fucked-up, which is on-brand for us.

I was going to write so much more but, like when I talk about you to the boy, I just don’t have the stamina for it yet.

I’m so grateful for the gift you gave me of the boy, honey. He’s just perfect and I am humbled every day to have your treasure to love.

I’ll be better next year, promise.


The Hubs

Location: buying him a slice of pizza at 4:58PM on Amsterdam
Mood: crushed
Music: Feels like a million miles away, I still see signs of home (Spotify)
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