Tag: family

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Just a little bit longer

Doing a good deed

My fave local dive bar put in a kitchen not that long ago – I think they did it over COVID, maybe?

But it really doesn’t offer much. Historically, it was a BYO food joint, with a ton of people, myself included, that used to order pizzas and stuff to the bar itself.

Well, the Firecracker wanted to hang out at a bar the other night, but she also wanted a banh mi while I was kinda in the mood for a gyro.

Me: I know! We can each get exactly what we want and bring it over to the dive bar.
Her: That works for me as long as we get to sit outside and enjoy the weather.
Me: Done!

So, we did just that.

Ended up sitting next to these three young British sailors that were in town until 3AM.

Me: Oh, fellas, you’re in the wrong bar. You should be at Tiki Chik or someplace like that.
Her: Yeah, there are no women here, but there’s definitely gonna be girls there.

They appreciated the suggestion and left.

We were happy to have done a good deed and had a nice dinner with drinks for ourselves.

There’s a lot to be said for a simple life.

On that note, the kid just got back to start school.

I’m super excited but also a bit sad in that the years seem to be sprinting by.

If only I could keep him my little boy just a little bit longer.

Location: the start of a new school year
Mood: anxious but hopeful
Music: don’t know if this is real life – what happens if I open my eyes? (Spotify)
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Tigers with different stripes, Pt 2

The best five days of my life

The other thing about my dad/family was something else that I also learned in Cornell: When I took my first Chinese language class, the teacher asked how to say “maternal grandmother” in Chinese.

I confidently said, “阿婆 (ā pó)” but was corrected, it was “外婆 (wàipó).”

I’d never heard of 外婆 (wàipó) before, we never used that term nor had I ever heard it before.

Me: I was so embarrassed that I got that wrong. Why didn’t we use the right way of saying it for [mom’s mom]?
Father: Do you know what 外婆 means? It means “outside grandmother.” That’s what you call the wife’s mother because, in Chinese culture, the mother’s family and side doesn’t count – they’re outsiders and not really part of the family. That’s wrong, I think, and offensive. Your mom’s family is as much a part of our family as mine is.

For all my dad’s traditions and pressure, he was a decent and fair man and that story perfectly encapsulates him.

It was a simple but profound thing, which makes sense as he was both a simple and profound man.

And I think that a major reason the three of us – my sister, brother, and myself – have been so successful in life.

Moreso than the education and the accolates.

Because I suppose we always knew that, no matter what, our parents loved us and always would.

That’s a powerful comfort in an uncomfortable world and something that I hope I give my own kid.

Yeah, if there’s one thing that I’d like to pass on from my dad to my own kid, it’s that.

My dad died August 24th, 2017, seven years ago this week.

I love him every bit right now as I did seven years ago and always will.

Even though, at times, I wonder if he knew.

Me: (angrily) Yeah, well, you wait. My kid is gonna be successful and happy. It won’t matter to me if he goes to an ivy league or not.
Him: You’re threatening me with a happy and successful grandkid? (laughing) Go ahead. Because that’s exactly what I want too. When you’re a dad yourself, you’ll understand. I’m trying to keep you all safe.

And, of course, I totally care if he makes it into an ivy league or not.

Just maybe – maybe – not quite as much.

Did you know that no two tigers have the same stripes?

A tiger’s pattern is as unique as human fingerprints AND not only is a tiger’s fur striped, but its skin is also striped as well.

It has hidden beauties you wouldn’t know about while it was alive.

This also means that every tiger is different from every other tiger, despite all outward appearances.

My dad may have been Chinese, but he was so different in many ways and uniquely mine.

I wish he was still here.

But I suppose you already knew that.

The picture above is the day my parents met my son.

It’s one of only a handful of pictures I have with all three of them.

The main picture is another of the few – precious – images I have of my father with my son.

I have none with him, Alison, and my son. Zero fucking pictures.

Not a single goddamn one.

And everything went to shit after that picture.

But, for a moment in time, that was the happiest I ever was because my entire family was alive and happy for five days.

I didn’t yet know that would be all I would ever get. Ever.

Those were the best five days of my life.

What a shitty truth it is that the lucky never realize they are lucky until it’s too late. 

Location: yesterday and today, bars. Drinking it all away.
Mood: cautious
Music: I’ve got memories and travel like gypsies in the night (Spotify)
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Tigers with different stripes, Pt 1

My parents told us they loved us

My father and I used to argue a lot.

My 20s and 30s were particularly acrimonious and again when he died, just because I loved him so and yet we were at odds over so many things.

I also wasn’t exactly right in the head back then, but I’m guessing you knew that.

Both my parents were stereotypical Tiger Parents in that we never played sports – ever – and instead spent every single summer and afternoon studying; we studied for school, for the SSHATs, then the SATs, AP classes, whathaveyou.

In one particularly bad argument, I accused my dad of stealing our childhoods.

Me: That was crazy that all we did was study.
Him: When you have three kids that made it into Stuyvesant and an ivy league, then you can tell me that I did something wrong.

Having a kid of my own, I realize how impressive what he did was. After all, he came here not speaking the language, with almost no money, and – within a generation – had three ivy league-educated Stuyvesant grads.

That would be an accomplishment for everyone.

This picture was taken a half a century ago when I had just turned two.

But in two distinct ways, he was radically different from most Chinese fathers.

The first was when he dropped me off at Cornell and both he and my mom told me they loved me and were proud of me.

After they left, my Chinese roommate came up to me.

Him: Were your parents born here?
Me: (laughing) What? No, they’re both from Taiwan.
Him: I’ve never heard of any Chinese parents that told their kids they loved them. (thinking) My parents have never told me that. (pause) They’ve never told me they were proud of me.

Didn’t know what to say.

If anything, my parents would go out of their way to scream that they loved me on the top of their lungs when they dropped us off someplace just to embarrass us.

This is such a stereotype that this Asian comedian has a whole bit on the subject:

But that wasn’t my experience at all.

I’ll tell you the second thing that made him very different – at least to me – on Monday.

Location: my basement, being told that the building’s electrical wiring all needs to be pulled out
Mood: nostalgic
Music: Can’t go back to the place I’ve been. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I been away too long (Spotify)
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Pier 72, 11 years, Kossar’s

A kindness I’d never forgotten

Almost exactly 11 years ago, on August 6th, 2013, I went with Alison to a cafe a few blocks south of me called Pier 72.

We went there a couple of times but, really, hardly ever went there because it was a bit older than other joints in the area, but the food was good, the people nice, and the prices pretty cheap.

I don’t think we went there again after that; well, she didn’t, for reasons you already know.

I did because, when she was sick and losing all that weight from the chemo, she turned to me one day and said, randomly, “I could eat a patty melt.”

So, I asked her what that was and she told me.

Then I ran to Pier 72 because it was certain it would have it.

I was wrong.

Him: Sorry, we don’t sell that here.
Me: Please. It looks like this (shows him a picture). My wife…she’s…sick. She hasn’t eaten in days and I’m worried she’ll die. I can pay whatever you’d like for it.
Him: (gently) It looks like a cheeseburger on a sliced bread. I can do that for you.
Me: Yes. Please. I mean, thank you. I’ll pay whatever you think is fair.
Him: (shaking his head) It’s a cheeseburger on toast with onions. Just pay what we charge for a burger. Don’t worry about it. We’ll make it for her.

Went there a few times after that, always getting a patty melt and maybe a Reuben for me. Alison only ate a little each time.

It was a kindness I’d never forgotten. It was one of the only things Alison would agree to eat.

They shut down after COVID.

For years afterward, it was empty.

But, one day recently, the joint opened as a Kossar’s Bagel and Bialys.

The kid’s been asking to go for ages, and I finally brought him the other day.

We couldn’t sit where Alison and I last sat when it was Pier 72 because that became the cream cheese display.

So, we sat across from it and I looked at the corner of where we sat, almost exactly 11 years earlier and I could hear her voice in my head.

Something about the fact that I was sitting there with her son but not her hurt me in ways I can’t fully express nor explain.

Then the boy’s voice cut through my thoughts.

Him: I love the everything bagel! Can we come back here again?
Me: (distracted) Oh…sure. Of course.
Him: What’s wrong? You look like you’re crying.
Me: (clearing throat) Oh, it’s the summer. Allergies, you know…
Him: I’m sorry you have allergies, papa.
Me: It’s ok. I’m always ok when you’re around.
Him: Yay! Me too!

Location: at H Mart, looking for kombucha with the Firecracker
Mood: pensive
Music: You’re the movie in my mind to which I know every line (Spotify)
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Doing the right thing

Two different kids

Went to see my mom and sister for my nephew’s birthday the other day.

We went to Flushing first to get some dumplings from White Bear,…

…some Taiwanese from the local mall, and to get a little shopping done before heading to their place in Queens.

We didn’t eat all that much because my sister was going to get ribs and pizza for everyone for the bday.

It was a small affair, just some of my nephew’s school friends and us.

But, in the middle of it, a neighbor’s kid that stopped by for a brief bit and he was…just awful.

Obnoxious, loud, rude, etc. But I found out afterward that his family life was pretty rough and then I was torn.

Like, people are the way that they are because of their upbringing.

Then, on the ride home, we were in a packed subway car, and it was the NYC Dominican Day Parade.

Well, it was like half the parade was trying to be in our subway car.

In the middle of it, a teen girl turned on music, began dancing inappropriately, and then started vaping in front of my kid.

Me: (tapping her on the shoulder) Hey, can you not do that? My kid is right here.
Her: OK, sorry.

And she stopped. Also heard her say to her friends – that had packed the car and were also vaping, “Hey, there are kids here!”

When we left, I tapped the girl’s shoulder again.

Me: Hey, thanks for doing that.
Her: No worries, mister. Sorry about that.
Her friend: Yeah, sorry mister.
Me: You did the right thing here, so…thanks.

Martin Luther King Jr’s in the news again lately, for the most ridiculous reason.

But he had a quote on the topic that I’ve always liked that seems appropriate to this situation: The time is always right to do the right thing.

As we walked home, the kid talked to me about it all.

Him: They were really loud and scary. Why did you thank her?
Me: Because she did the right thing in the end. Yes, she should have been quieter and yes, she shouldn’t have vaped in the first place. But when someone recognizes they did something wrong and try to fix what they did, you have to give them credit for that.
Him: She was still really loud and scary.
Me: (nodding) Yes. But she was trying to do the right thing in the end. And we always hope that, even if it takes a long time, ultimately, people do the right thing. Maybe next time, she’ll be even better.

Location: a playground, watching a mouse explode
Mood: nauseated
Music: This is a moment in the prime of your life – you better own it (Spotify)
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Ketchup and the best kid

Not a big secret

Her: Just ketchup, please.
Me: What? How about I put on mustard and onions?
Her: No thanks, just ketchup.
Me: Chili?
Her: Nope. Just ketchup.
Me: You know, according to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, if you’re over 18 years old, you shouldn’t be using ketchup.
Her: I’m a lot younger than you and I’m doing it.
Me: (grumble)

I gotta say, I agree with the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council; ketchup just makes everything taste like ketchup, which is exactly why I don’t like it and kids like it on everything.

Me: I secretly judge you.
Her: (rolls eyes) It’s not that big a secret.

The kid finished up his camp this week and is going back to grandma’s for a few weeks before school.

He wanted to go and his grandma wanted to have him, so win-win there.

We had hoped to go to either Taiwan or another cruise this summer but changing gyms and some other expenses changed things for us.

But the Firecracker and I were chatting the other day and I came across a cruise for a cruise line that I’d never been on before and it left from Brooklyn.

We actually saw it the last time we were in Govenors Island, as well as the time we went to Red Hook.

Since it left from Brooklyn, the savings from not flying and having a hotel meant that it was in our budget, so we booked it.

Was gonna surprise the kid with it in a few weeks but I couldn’t contain my excitement, knowing how good a time he had the first time he went.

Me: Hey, I wanted to ask you: What was the best thing you and I ever did together?
Him: Oh, that’s easy – the cruise. Why?
Me: (smiling)
Him: Wait, are we going on a cruise?!
Me: (shrugging shoulders)
Him: (eyes widening) ARE WE GOING ON ANOTHER CRUISE!?
Me: (shrugging again) I dunno…mebe?
Him: (loses his mind)

Mission accomplished.

I don’t think there are words that fully encapsulates the feeling when, as a parent, you get your kid precisely the thing they want the most.

He was on cloud nine all day.

And so was I.

Him: You’re the best papa ever!
Me: Ha, you haven’t met them all but I’ll take it. And you’re the best kid.

Location: Flushing, showing the kid the old hood
Mood: excited
Music: Let’s hit the road, friend of mine; wave goodbye to our thankless jobs (Spotify)
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A BBQ on Governors Island

Nice people

Him: [Even though I eat meat], sometimes, I order a black bean burger just to have it.
Me: Have you considered therapy?

My friends Ricky and Kathy put together a BBQ on Governors Island this past weekend.

I’ve enjoyed it since the first time we went with the Firecracker and her kid, so I was looking forward to going there again, especially that my college friends were going.

So, early last Sunday, we piled into the subway and then hopped on a ferry there.

We met everyone at the docks and were on the island before we knew it.

After we disembarked, the Firecracker, the kid, and I went the wrong way and ended up at the wrong place.

The kid was less than enthused.

But we managed to get to the right place in time for food.

Him: They’re not ready yet.
Me: I like my burgers rare to medium rare. I’m sure they’re good already.
Him: Fine, here…

There was so much food.

Afterward, we went for a walk where I saw a building discussing the Billion Oyster Project here in NYC – something that I’m super interested in.

Unfortunately, I got a call from the kid on one of my friends’ phone – he’d gone bike riding with some of the other kids…

…but got separated yet still managed to find his way back.

Him: (upset) I’ve never been by myself for so long before. And on a bike!
Me: Well, I hope you learned a lesson to stay with everyone and pay attention.
Him: Are you mad at me?
Me: I’m just glad you’re back safe. And I’m actually super impressed you found your back by yourself.

He seemed just fine after a spell.

The other kids definitely helped.

As did the fact that Cappy brought pie (again)…

…and the Firecracker brought homemade keto chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.

Of course, I drowned my own fears into some grilled beef.

The truth is, while I am alarmed he was lost for a bit, I am impressed that he kept his wits about him and managed to find his way back.

Him: But I got lost.
Me: Yes, but you made it back to someplace safe. For that, I’m very proud of you.
Him: I was so scared.
Me: (nodding) But you’re safe now.

After a bit, we packed up and headed home.

We all said our goodbyes at the pier…

…and the Firecracker, the kid, and I took our scooters up the Hudson River Greenway home.

Him: I was super scared. (thinking) But everyone was really nice.
Me: Life is scary. It helps to have nice people around, yeah?
Him: (nodding) Yeah.

Location: a dog kennel, lifting up the kid to get a better look
Mood: heated
Music: I shout out and I didn’t miss one friend (Spotify)
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Frozen Picklebacks

If only for a few weeks

Him: I’m so excited to come home!
Me: Not as much as I am, kiddo!

I picked up my kid from my in-laws the other day along with the Firecracker.

We stayed for a dinner of pizza and other delicious things.

Didn’t remember to take pics until after we ate almost everything but here’s a pic of some watermelon.

The Firecracker also got her kid as well, but – before we got them – she took the day off work so we could have one last night to ourselves, so we started the night early around the way.

Because it was so early, we were the first people in the bar, so she did some stupid human tricks – as in the main pic of this entry – which I enjoyed.

In another bar, I asked the bartender about the pea green drink they had.

Her: That? It’s a frozen pickleback. The people that like it are just awful. Do you wanna try some?
Me: How could I say no?
Her: (later) What did you think?
Me: It’s admittedly pretty awful…but I couldn’t stop drinking it.
Her: (nodding) Yeah…

She liked us enough to comp us some more shots…

…and we rounded things out with more drinks.

The kids are now back and we’re now back in parenting mode, which we both happy about.

Still, it was nice to be carefree if only for a few weeks.

Location: Governors Island, with my favourite tiny human and some of my fave normal-sized humans as well.
Mood: fatty-fat-fat
Music: Oh, I’ve finally decided my future lies beyond (Spotify)
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Drinking in Jersey City

There’s a joke here, somewhere

The Firecracker and I wanted to get outta New York City but we also didn’t wanna spend a ton of time traveling so we decided to just hit up Jersey City for the weekend.

So, bright and early on a Sunday, we headed out 40 minutes or so to the Grove Street PATH Station…

…and walked down their still-somewhat-new promenade.

We didn’t get far because she wanted a snack and I wanted some more iced green tea.

But we got to exploring and found, amongst other things, a combination wine store and pharmacy.

Her: This is so weird.
Me: There’s a joke here somewhere, I just can’t think of it.

In fact, we hit up a number of wine shops because I’ve been on the hunt for some mead lately.

Him: What is that?
Me: It’s kinda like wine made from honey.
Him: (laughs) Nah, we got nuthin like that.

We ended up walking into a gorgeous apartment that had an open house.

The Firecracker and I have been chatting about next steps in our relationship but that’s an entry – or three – for another time.

Her: Think of what you could cook in this thing!
Me: It’s pretty cool, I gotta say.

Afterward, we went to Barcade for a bit to read and relax a bit.

But it was super loud, and we were both getting hungry and Barcade’s kitchen was on the fritz.

So, I ordered her a slice of pizza and then we walked over to Zepplin Hall, a beergarden, to meet up with my SIL.

It was pretty empty when we got there, which suited us just fine.

We ordered some food and then my SIL came.

It was only 5PM so I figured we’d be done by 7PM.

I was very wrong.

We ended up ordering FIVE pitchers of alcohol along with several individual glasses…

…plus even more carbs…

…but we did also order a salad? So, yeah.

The ladies chatted for a bit…

…while I went out to get a bit of fresh air.

It was after 10PM by the time we stumbled outta there, we’d been there for five hours.

Shockingly, it only took us about 45 minutes to make it home.

Me: Did you have a fun night?
Her: (half-asleep) Yeah, you?
Me: I was with you and family. How could it be bad?
Her: (snores)
Me: (laughs)

Location: Governors Island, with my favourite tiny human and some of my fave normal-sized humans as well.
Mood: fatty-fat-fat
Music: She said ohh, hold on, hold on, hold on (Spotify)
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A (Food) Tour of Flushing, NY Pt 1

Eating our way through Flushing, Queens

The Frenchman and I were chatting the other day about maybe heading to Flushing for some food.

Him: Sunday? Interestingly, I will have a car from the previous day’s rental.
Me: What I’m reading is that you’re offering us a ride. We accept. Thank you.
Him: If you come to us first! But sure.
Me: I was mostly joking but…heck yeah.

So, early on Sunday morning, the Firecracker and I found ourselves on the Upper East Side, where the Frenchman and his family gave us a lift to my childhood stomping grounds.

It was mainly a food tour and, honestly, no Flushing Food Tour worth its salt doesn’t have White Bear as part of it.

So, that’s where we started.

We got the classic Number 6, which looks spicy but isn’t really at all.

Unlike other dumpling spots that pan-fry, these guys use super thin dough and boil them so they’re much more delicate.

After that, the Frenchman’s kid wanted something to drink, as did the Firecracker, so we went to TenRen Tea for that.

Me: When I was a kid, this place was mainly known as a traditional Chinese medicine shop but now it’s known more by the kids for their bubble tea.
Her: Oh, I want a Thai Iced Tea then.

After that, we went to the World Mall Food Court where everyone got something different.

The Firecracker wanted Taiwanese food, while I went with a teriyaki chix dish…

…while the Frenchman and his family got noodles and more dumplings.

Now, I’d been meaning to upgrade my scanner for a while and my brother told me that he gave my mom a high-end Epson FF-640 that she wasn’t using so my mom swung by to drop that off with me.

Wish I took a picture with her, but I forgot.

Her: I put it in this red roller for you. Make sure you don’t forget it!
Me: I promise I won’t!
Her: (later) Did you forget it?
Me: (laughing) I’m 51! I didn’t forget it!

Once a parent, always a parent, I suppose.

I’ll wrap this up in the next entry.

Also, I’m super hungry again.

Location: earlier today, a dive bar with a pineapple cider
Mood: still injured
Music: wish that I could be a kid in the summer (Spotify)
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