Tag: insomnia

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personal

Potential


Her: Algebra – pretty much any math.
Me: I’m a terrible Asian; math was never a fun class for me. Mine were English and history. Some science was cool too – like when we dissected owl pellets. (pause) Did you ever have a trapper keeper?
Her: Yes.
Me: (thinking) Man, they sucked. Didn’t trap or keep a damn thing.
Think I’m sick. Not sure. But quite possibly.

It’s been a really productive week. Trying to wrap up business issues before the end of the year.

For what seems to be the third year in a row, I’ve not been able to really enjoy my favorite time of year; from the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Year’s.

Wish I were clearheaded. Always cloudy cause I’m sick, I’m beat, or I’m bending time. Sometimes all three at once. Then my mind wanders.
Me: What if I’m not smart at all? What if I just remember things – stupid things. Things that’re only good for games shows and cocktail conversations? Smart people don’t get their life savings stolen. My brother and sister’re smart – I joke a lot that I get by on my charm. (pause) But what if that’s true?
Her: (thinking) I think you’re smart.
At least 50% of the time I don’t sleep, lie awake wondering. Everyone thinks I’ve got all this potential. But it’s almost 2009. I’m another year closer to getting my ticket punched.

When I don’t sleep, lie awake wondering about things that I’m afraid to put out in the aether.

Location: On a corduroy couch
Mood: sick
Music: Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead But now it’s like the night is taking sides

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personal

Batter up!

 

Was at a random restaurant named The Madison where I ran outta the restaurant to say hello to a co-worker from a former life as he walked by. He married a girl that also worked with me. We traded numbers and he left. Ten minutes later, I saw the wife and waved at her. She didn’t recognize me but smiled and waved back.

Heartgirl: That’s nice of her – to wave at someone that she doesn’t think she knows.

The Professor and Johnny aren’t around so, after Thanksgiving, stopped by Danny the Good’s house.

Him: Can you fix my computer for me? I think it’s the harddrive.
Me: (reaching into coat pocket) Oh, happen to have a harddrive on me. (pulling out harddrive)
His wife: (laughing uncontrollably) Only you would harddrive in your jacket, Logan.

Just happened to be cleaning out my desk in my office and stuffed it into my my jacket pocket before I went to see them. They think I’m brilliant. Or insane. Not sure.

For the first time in a year and a half that I slept for three days in a row. That’s a lot for a guy like me. Also had a lot of interesting conversations.

Me: (on phone) How do you not know this? First is kissing, second is under clothing, third is neck up, home is…home.
Him: What’re you talking about? Second is over, third is under.
Me: Maybe where you’re from, here in NYC, over and under are both second.
Him: I AM from NYC. (pause) I think our only contention here is third.
Me: It’s quite a contention! (hearing clicking) Are you googling this?
Him: No. (long pause) Maybe…

Yes, we’re that geeky.

Location: six hours ago, my kitchen, cooking for my sis
Mood: blah
Music: something is bound to give there’s hope for the hopeless

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personal

Tennis anyone?

Location: one hour ago, the F train in Queens
Mood: committed
Music: when we met Spending all of my time Tracing your silhouette


Me: I have tennis elbow.
Her: Lateral epicondalitis?

Me: Whoa…

Smart people’re just so impressive. Ladies, don’t ever dumb yourself down for a guy cause the guy you’ll end up with, you won’t want.

———-

Sheridan invited me another party this past Saturday. Nice enough crowd; attractive people, booze. Malik Yoba was there as was my favorite type of rum, although it was $14 a glass again. Crap.

Ended up taking a ton of pics for the host and he offered for me to shoot for his website. Maybe. Sheridan and I bounced early cause I wasn’t feeling all that great – did my yearly physical, got some blood drawn, found out I have tennis elbow, and had a flu shot – all of which was draining (literally and figuratively). So stayed in Saturday night even though Paul, Gio and LisaV each had parties going on.

I’ve not been sleeping. Dunno if it’s the stress, the pain or the fact that Heartgirl’s not around. So I’m reading a lot again: This week alone, I read The ABS Diet, first four chapters of Hot, Flat and Crowded, coupla articles on SEO marketing, two issues of the Economist and Fast Company, and three of Maximum Computer.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve decided to get down to 9% body fat or less, which I’ve not been since froshmore year college (a hundred years ago). Wish me luck.

A lotta stuff”s going on. Lemme sort it all out and get back to you.

YASYCTAI: Have you had your yearly physical? (60 mins/3 pts)

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personal

This time

Just off Times Square

 

Saw Gio tonight off Times Square. It was a networking thingy and they had some good rum. Probably not a good idea since I went fencing afterward.
The weird thing is that it was across the street from my old pad. Hadn’t been there in a while. Ayn Rand wrote of NYC in The Fountainhead:

I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York’s skyline….When I see the city from my window – no, I don’t feel how small I am – but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.

You know when you love someone, you’d end anyone that’d do them harm? It’s like that.

Wish I could put it in my pocket and pull it out to show you Nino’s where I had the best Penne with Vodka Sauce, or the Algonquin Hotel where I’d wish I had dough or the chops to sit at the Vicious Circle, or my corner on 46th and 6th Avenue, where I’d sneak a cigarette at 3AM when I couldn’t sleep and wait for the sun to come up. Or my office at 1500 Broadway where I’d look out and see TRL being recorded with those freakin kids screaming.

OK, that I got a picture of.

Feel so damn nostalgic. Wanted to talk to Heartgirl about it but she was busy. S’ok, I’m hoping we have plenty of time to talk about these kinda things.

Speaking of Heartgirl, she doesn’t wanna show up here. So I won’t write of her anymore. Maybe she’ll change her mind but don’t think so. Cause she thinks that this is a blog about me being a womanizer – but that’s just the marketing message.

Me: It’s not. (pause) The truth is, it’s the story of a boy like me looking for a girlie like you. (thinking) And hoping, I mean really, really hoping, that this time, it’ll be different.

Location: wide-awake in my pad
Mood: nostalgic
Music: I wish I knew the time that I’ve taken I pray is not wasted

Categories
personal

Guernica

 

Stopped by a friend’s house midday in Queens cause I was around the hood but he was out so his wife and I caught up. She wants to fix me up with some of her doctor friends.

I’m not sure she knows what she’s getting them into.

———-

Picasso’s Guernica is probably one of the most famous paintings of suffering out there. Buddhism says that suffering comes from the uncontrollable. Either externally, such as in the painting, or internally, when we try to control the uncontrollable.

I believe that.

On a related note, man, I wish I could fall asleep.

Of course, there is no great tragedy without some small gain(s): I’m completely caught up on Lost and BSG, can now do all my sabre strikes with my left hand and have made a month’s worth of chili.

I’m thinking of brushing up my German or teaching myself Arabic or something. I dunno. I’d rather sleep.

Location: 21:00 yest, thrust, parry, thrust on the UWS
Mood: tired
Music: The old man said to me Said don’t always take life so seriously

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personal

Elsewho

Dreaming of my possible pasts

© Roy A. Hammond/WLIW New York

Rain: Can I borrow your phone?
Me: (absentmindedly) Sure.
Rain: Here you go.
Me: Thanks. Hey – what’d you do?
Rain: Nuthin! So paranoid…

My mind’s elsewhere, and elsewho, again. At least it’s the weekend.

I’m in a 300 year old building in Passau that’s been converted to apartments. The ceilings are high with wooden floors and painted on the entire far wall is a pop art portrait of a blond girl crying. Honey and Katherine are there. We’d just gotten back from Vienna. A woman I love is there too. She whispers her nonsense word into my ear and I whisper mine back. We’re having an early dinner of pasta when Marvin Gaye comes on.

Honey shrieks, and jumps onto the table to dance when my girl pulls me up and says, “You too” as I laugh and follow. She smiles, turns back to me and says – (phone alarm rings, it’s 5:15AM in NYC)

Me: (sit up and look groggily at phone) Dammit Rain…dammit…

Fall back into bed and plot revenge against Rain. Sigh. Toss off covers. Flip on Ghosts of Goodbye and start doing situps as ghosts fade away.

Eins, zwei, drei…

Location: 19:00 yest, Malachy’s with Heidi and Buckley
Mood: sotted
Music: I used to go out to parties and stand around

Categories
personal

One point five

Painting by Constellajen
Me: Mom, don’t cry, my hands always shake.
Her: But they’re not supposed to…

Mom’s terribly worried about me these days. I tell her not to be and yet – well, mothers are as they are.

When she first came here, my mom tied a 1.5 minute egg timer to the phone. Once a month, she would call her mom and they would talk for exactly 1.5 minutes. No matter what, they got off the phone after 1.5 minutes. It’s all they could afford. Her mom worried about her too. She was 26?

Can you imagine?

Here’s the thing: unless you know me IRL, you and I most likely wouldn’t be anything back in those days. What a world we live in, where communication is a commodity. Text, email, fax, blogs – we can all connect.

Veijukka asked who gives me pep talks, I don’t really need them. Because I’m so much in my own head all the time. Sometimes, though, I could use a quiet connection.

Thanks for listening this week. It’s been rough.

I’ll see if I can’t get slapped again by another girl this weekend to keep y’all entertained.

Location: Queens, locked outta my office
Mood: irritated at myself
Music: The more you ignore me, the closer I get

Categories
personal

Safe

Insomnia is wretched misery

When my four-year relationship finally disintegrated, my sister came to see me. I hadn’t slept in days. She brought food and told me to go to bed, then sat quietly in my living room and read. I slept for hours. When I woke up, she was still there.

Over Xmas, I wasn’t sleeping causa the work drama. But my brother came to visit. I remember laying down on the floor where he was working and passing out. It was the first poison-free sleep I had in two months.

I suppose you’re all sick and tired hearing about Heath Ledger. I liked his films, but that’s about it. He might have been a prince or a scumbag, I dunno.

But I had myself a little freakout when I read about how he died. Cause he’s the same type of insomniac as me; his mind was “always racing,” he said and “pills failed to work.” That’s me.

Good god, it’s wretched misery.

There’s this line that goes, Everyone dies alone. But that’s just horses___. Most people don’t die alone. But what a way to go if you do. Poor bastard.

Sorry, I’m sick and moody. On a happy note, it was Chinese New Year yesterday (xin nian quai le!). I took the day off, saw the family and ate my weight in dumplings.

On an even happier note, it’s the weekend.

Location: in my apartment, cleaning
Mood: cloudy
Music: oh, how I need Someone to watch over me

Categories
personal

Theme Song

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?


I gotta make payroll & rent Monday so I’ll post on Tuesday. Clearly, the most logical thing would be to rob a bank.

So I’ll be busy…plotting…

———-

If your life was a TV show, what would it be it’s theme song? I got a few. But if I had to chose just one, it would be Overkill.

Like I said, the insomnia’s back; I don’t actually mind being alone between the sheets. I do mind the lying there awake though.

So I get up and go for a walk. I’ve lived here my whole life and the last several women I’ve seen have been from around the way. I’ve run into a few of them over the past several months. I got memories on every corner.

In other words, on every corner, ghosts appear and fade away.

At least there’re pretty lights.

———-

I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it’s just my imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
Its time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there’s pretty lights
And though there’s little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Location: 13:00 yest, Paterson, NJ City Hall
Mood: indescribable
Music: at night I worry over situations

Categories
personal

So great

It would be so great if I could just fall asleep

Today I spent most of the day in court. That’s bad enough but my mind’s also really cloudy cause the insomnia’s back. It made a bad situation worse.

Think I might post less because I’m worried I’m gonna start sounding insane. I’m writing constantly.

Couldn’t sleep at all the other night so I got up and made chili – here’s the recipe with pics if you’re interested.

Most nights, I’m just walking about town. The thing about my neighborhood is that there’s always something to see. There’s always something for the singular.

Maybe I’ll fall asleep and have nice dreams tonight. That would be great.

That would be so _______ great.

Location: 21:21 yest, trying to find parking in NYC
Mood: so freaking tired
Music: these words are my diary, screaming out loud