Tag: insomnia

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personal

Eponine

We are all we know

The subway’s never empty. Unless you’re an insomniac. Then they’re empty a hellva lot.

———-

Thought about some of the people I’ve met recently and in the not-so-distant past. For some strange reason, I also thought of a girl I dated once. It’s the fall.

Part of the reason I think I liked her was because she said that every person that ever went out with her treated her like crap (I’m weird like that). When she told me that, I thought of Eponine from Les Mis.

The book’s a little different from the musical. In the book, there’s this one scene where she’s tossed a stale piece of bread. Starving, she pounces on it like a crazed animal. The hard bread hurts her teeth but she says that she knows the bread is good because it’s hard.

See, Eponine has no concept that there’s such a thing as bread that’s not rotten and not hard. It’s all she knows.

Tried to treat the ex nicely – never did find out if she she thought I did. Random, right?

As for me, well, my friends think I’m lucky because so many people enter and exit my Venn Diagram.

I’m not sure. You see, it’s all I know…

Location: 20:30, getting caught in some rain in Bayside
Mood: exhausted
Music: through the clouds Memories come rushing up to meet me now

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personal

No Chance

 

I’m at my parents and my father’s playing a sad song on the harmonica. He’s never had a lesson in the piano or the harmonica in his life.

But he can sit down in front of either and just break your heart.

Went with Cain, Paul, and Paul’s roomie to a costume party on Saturday. I was gonna go as Kato but I couldn’t find a hat.

Him: Just wear what you wore last year.
Me: What if I run into someone from last year?
Him: (exasperated) Dude, it’s a totally different party, there’s no chance of you running into someone from last year.

I ran into two people from last year. How embarrassing.

Oh…like I really care.

 

Like last Sunday, I woke up just in time to meet the pretty green-eyed schoolteacher (GES) for brunch. We walked all over the UWS again, to the East Side, then back and finished up with some sodas in a Columbia cafe – five hours. We actually saw two weddings in Central park – one was of a Chinese couple and I said gong xi (congrats) to them. The bride smiled at me.

The weather was just as I like it: cold, clear and crisp.

Her: Man, we walked so much, I’m going to sleep so well tonight.
Me: Lucky you.
Her: (puzzled) You won’t?
Me: (shaking head) I never do.

Location: 20:15 yest, asking someone in church to pray for me
Mood: resigned
Music: Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that

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personal

Why?

People are looking for relationships for different reasons. Here’s mine

People ask me all the time why I’m looking.

The pathetically honest answer is that when I’m with someone, I sleep just a little bit better. Maybe ten percent. It’s enough. I do it so I can sleep ten percent better. Crazy.

It’s not about sex. It’s about something else – and that’s a different post; but if you’ve read me enough, I’m sure you could guess.

You remember the last time you didn’t get a good night’s sleep? You look at your clock and do that mental math – if I fall asleep right now, I can get four hours sleep? Three hours. Two. Forty minutes. You remember how horrible you felt the next day?

Yeah, that’s me every two weeks for 20 years.

I’ve avoided talking about insomnia for almost two months but here we are.

Another date today. Another pretty face. Biker. It usually takes about three dates for either the girl or me to call it quits. Goes either way.

Hazel thinks I’m luckier than most cause I meet so many people but I tell her that it just means I’m disappointed and I disappoint more frequently. I know it’s crazy. I know it.

And yet I sit. I smile. I ask, So, what’s your story?

Inside I hope, this time’s the last time.

Location: 2PM yest, in front of the Flatiron saying, Bye
Mood: awake
Music: Tell me, where is the shepherd
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Three

Went on three dates today

I went on three dates in one day today.

One was sad. Berlingirl showed up unexpectedly – a nice surprise. Spent some time with her before she had to catch her flight. She said, I wish you a wonderful fall. (Ich wunsche dir einen wunderschonen Herbst).

Don’t think she knows how much that meant to me.

One was random. She gave me her digits and said,It was nice meeting you (Wo hen gaoxing renshi ni).

I’ve already lost the piece of paper – of course.

The last?

It was sad in a completely different way. She said, May you have a good year (L’shanah tovah tikatev v’taihatem).

She said once that she hated the disappointments. Tonight, she said, in a manner of speaking, I’m working through a few things.

Funny, it sounds different on the other end. She put on her blue jacket. Gave me a red kiss. Hopped into a yellow cab. And was gone in a green light.

Why, look at that. The weekend’s almost here.

Location: here
Mood: Sotted
Music: Then she said, Don’t get cute
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You and Me

(c) Derik Leong

Her: You’re awfully self-involved.
Me: It says right there, “logan lo dot com”
Her: Still…

———-

I like you.

The fact you’re reading me makes me like you. That says something about me, I know.

In fact, not only do I know that is says something about me, I know what it says. But that’s neither here nor there.

Let’s play a game, shall we? I play it all the time when I’m out and about. It’s not mine, someone once told it to me. Anyway, I feel we should, cause I like you more than all the people I meet when I’m…doing what I do.

  • Make a list of about five things you admire about someone (or various persons) you love, loved and/or respect.
  • Make a list of about five things that you don’t admire/don’t respect.

Keep it to yourself, send it to me, tell your mom, it doesn’t matter.

We’ll talk about it Monday, yeah?

As always, I’m off to bed to lie awake for a while.
Location: upstairs, studying
Mood: tired
Music: home, only just a few miles down the road I can make it, I know I can

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personal

This modern love

Modern love is like shelf-stable food; kinda real, mostly not

Note to self: 48 oz of black coffee with DayQuil in one sitting is way too much caffeine.

Way…too…much.

Pardon me as I curl up and shake myself to death.

———-

Actually posted a happy date story once. Of course that too went to hell but that’s neither here nor there. And I had two nice dates recently but one ended up as a figurative train wreck; the other, a literal car wreck.

A while back, I did see a girl I’ve was orbiting around for almost a year right before she got gone.

Me: Hey, just wondering if that invitation for lunch still open…
Her: Hi! (pause) Did you ever work through your things?
Me: (pause) In a manner of speaking.
Her: What does that mean?
Me: (thinking) There’s this river, Lethe, that the Greeks thought that, when you died, your spirit went there to drink from it so you could forget your former life and get on with your new one.
Her: Okaaay…creepy…and…
Me: (laughing) You’re trying to forget someone; I’m trying to forget someone. It’s like that song This Modern Love, Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Her: (laughing) This has got to be worst invitation for a date I’ve had since junior high.
Me: I go for the superlative. (pause) So…you wanna come over and kill some time?
Her: (thinking) Sure.

Interestingly, in classical Greek, lethe could also mean the opposite of truth; the opposite of real.

This modern love is like lactose-free, shelf-stable, non-fat, non-dairy cream.

All the trappings of the real thing without a drop of it.

Not even a drop.

She’s a sweetheart. I hope she finds something someone real.

Location: no change, black chair
Mood: hopped up on OTC drugs & coffee
Music: modern love breaks me This modern love wastes me
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Red rum on the rocks with a slice of orange

“You awake?” she asked

Once again, I’m gonna ask you to send me soup.

Every time I go through these two week periods with little sleep and lots of work, I worry about getting sick. And then I get sick.

Dammit.

With nods to Sabatoa, Katsmw, Furison, and everyone who’s asked me this in real life – I have this conversation almost every weekend:

Him: Nasty. Why rum?
Me: I like the taste of a good aged rum, like a Cruzan or Montecristo. Plus it’s got the least amount of carbohydrates, acetaldehyde and congeners so you can drink buckets of the stuff and never get a gut, a hangover, or into a fight. (pause) Also, I like to pretend I’m a pirate – YAAARRRRRG!

———-

Her: (whispering) Are you awake?
Me: (sleepily) I’m always awake.

Location: back in my black chair
Mood: both sick & tired
Music: Around a quarter to two I have remembered all of my lines
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Still Shaky

My insomnia is getting to me

Looked for Selene in the blue sky today. I didn’t see her.

I know I’ve picked up a bunch of new readers and I’m sorry that I’m not more entertaining at the moment.

My insomnia and hand shaking has returned with a vengeance, recent events – both open and secret – have kinda brought me down.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful I’m alright. Very.

The hand of God is in all things.

But I sometimes I feel like I take a step forward and two steps back all the time, you know?

Do you know where the word, tantalize comes from? There’s this myth where this dude Tantalus, cursed to be thirsty, bends to a stream to drink, only to have it recede just beyond reach. Cursed to be hungry, reaches for an apple, and the branches pull back.

Never go more than a week without a sleepless night. Last week, I slept. Last night, it started again. It’s ever the same. Two weeks now. I know it.

I hate it.

And it’s killing me bit by bit. Absolutely…breaking me.

Not at once. Just a little at a time.

OK, I’ll stop. Emo – just learned the term recently. Sorry. Working through a few things.

Above, the ever popular and lovely KT Tunstall again for your entertainment.

You cannot buy love. You cannot buy sleep. But red, red rum…that you can have for $10 a glass. And YouTube is free.

Friday the 13th. Of course.

I’ll be back on Monday after I’ve bent some time.

See you then.

Location: my red couch
Mood: still freaked out
Music: And now I’ve got a hole for the world to see

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personal

Always Dreaming

I dream a lot, but I’m not a very good sleeper

 

But I don’t want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can’t help that, said the Cat, we’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad.
How do you know I’m mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.

Sometimes I have nice dreams.

Unfortunately, it’s rare because of my insomnia – and when I’m awake, I feel like I’m sleepwalking. But I daydream a lot.

And sometimes, my daydreams are just as real and just as nice when I’m up as when I sleep. I spend a lot of time in my head, you see.

An ex once told me that when she and I lived in the same neighborhood, she used to walk to my building, sit on my stoop, and whisper, Come out, come out…let’s have some fun.

The times I did randomly come out, she thought she had magic.

In my head, she doesn’t hate me, and I don’t hate myself, for how I treated her.

And, in my head, my other ex is wrong and my insides do match my outsides.

But you can never change what another person does or thinks. Only yourself. I know that.

Still, being ambulatory for 18 hours a day means that I spend a lot of time there. In my head, I mean.

I know, I know – what if I get stuck there? I suppose large polite men in clean white coats will take me away. Funny, sometimes I think I’m just one more sleepless night away from that. I’ve been up for…I don’t know how long now…

Hey, you’d visit me, yeah?

Shake your head with that, “Oh, so sad, he had so much promise,” look on your face before you shuffle off?

But sometimes I wonder, which way is worse.

Because, you see, in my head, I’m quite happy.

Michel Gondry said, I dream a lot, but I’m not a very good sleeper.

I love that. The knowing that it’s not just me.

Come out, come out…let’s have some fun…

Location: physically, an ugly hotel bed in 14202, mentally…
Mood: awake
Music: one more, you’re nuts

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personal

Joni Mitchell never lies

You don’t know what you got till it’s gone

I’m somewhere. Not elsewhere, I’m afraid. Just away. Here.

You know you’ve been traveling too much when you pull into a driveway and realize, Oh man, I’ve stayed here before.

Don’t even remember coming to Rochester before.

You don’t know it, but I’m sitting in my hotel room laughing to myself.

Spent a week here in this same hotel nine months ago. It was a strange time then. It’s strange again.

Sleep. Must sleep.

I’m coming back home tonight, I think. Losing track of time.

On a different note entirely, before I left, I found a shirt an ex left at my place.

Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s

Location: hotel room
Mood: drained
Music: I’m gone