Living your own life is hard enough

Everyone has an opinion as to how someone else should live their lives

Me: And what do you want?
Him: It doesn’t matter what I want. My father wants me to marry a Korean girl.
Me: If he wants a Korean girl so much, he should marry one.

So an interesting subset of my post from last week on writing a dating profile was communication from about four different women noting that on the profile, I was 39 years old, looking for women that were 25-30.

What none of them seemed to realize was: in order for me to get that screengrab of my profile, I had to log into my old profile, which I did last week – at 39 years of age.

I’d not touched that profile since September 2008 – when I was 35. The site merely updated my age to 39 when I logged in in August 2012.

But here’s the thing: Even if I was 39, looking for women that are 25-30, isn’t that my business?

In other words, suppose I told someone I was attracted to black women. How revolting would it be if someone said, Logan! You’re a Chinese-American man. You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to date a black woman.

An actual message from someone except the person said I was a “39-year-old man” and instead of “black woman,” she said, “25 year old.”

Let’s take it a step further.

Suppose I said, I was looking for a black man. Sudden people get incensed one way or another.

The thing is my wife and I would probably have had issues 30 years ago with us being a mixed-race couple.

Why does everyone have an opinion as to what one adult finds attractive in another adult?

More mind-boggling, why do people think their opinions matter to anyone but themselves?

And when did they learn that their opinions are better than someone else’s opinions?

I know Asians that think I’ve “sold-out” by marrying out of my race. In fact, I was one of those people in my teens.

But I was a stupid kid – as evidenced by my admittedly poor clothing and hair choices. These are adults writing this.

Perhaps the most powerful thing I’ve ever learned in my life isn’t a fencing or a wrestling move, but rather this: What other people think of me is none of my business.

The moment you believe that statement – not just know it intellectually but truly believe it – you are separate from everyone else in the world.

You gain a membership into a cadre of thinkers and dreamers that live their lives in the world but unaffected by the world.

And it cuts both way: What you think of someone else is none of their business.

Then again, if someone isn’t living their own life, perhaps you should say something.

Me: Living one’s own life is hard enough. Doesn’t your father get tired of living your life too?
Him: (laughing) He means well.
Me: I’m sure he does. But – and this is admittedly none of my business – long after he’s gone, you’ll be stuck with the choices he makes for you. Your father lives his life. Your mother lives hers. You should live yours, yeah?

Location: in front of a cuppa joe and Mamma Lo’s carrot cake
Mood: you guessed it, crazy busy
Music: picture the scene, filming and screening, dreaming of me
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15 thoughts on “Living your own life is hard enough”

  1. I've gotten a lot of "opinions" about my romantic choices as well. Age and/or race and/or nationality usually being quite different than my own. You like what you like, darnit! Some people are just curious and can't help but ask, though. I love the example you have with your friend being pressured by his father. You've given him sage advice — I hope he takes it!

    1. I think a lot of people are curious about the lives of others – hence the fascination with blogs, I think!

      Having said that, it one thing to be interested, it's another to have such a harsh opinion as to be narrow-minded.

      And yes, I hope he takes the advice too. Life is hard enough as it is.

  2. I think a lot of younger Asian people are pressured to live their parents' lives. It's a lot to handle and we sometimes cave.

    I applaud you for holding out and finding the right person!! I always say love is blind…deaf and kinda dumb too. LoL.

    1. I am so glad that I held out – I once wrote down this quote I like where "the biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

      It's hard holding out, but I think if one is realistic and honest, s/he'll get the person and the things they truly want and maybe need.

  3. Who's your friend? I'm Korean 😉
    Perhaps it's our upbringing? pride? or sometimes you just feel comfortable with someone who is of your race, with what you're familiar with perhaps? But it shouldn't deter one to close off all options or we'll all end up the lonely living with 20 cats. That would truly be sad 🙁
    (not there is anything wrong with being single)

    1. He's a nice Korean boy! Goes to church, is a nice dresser, not bad looking, not fat, etc.

      I don't think there's anything wrong with being single, per se; but there is something wrong with being single because you "just ended up" single. I think most people want to have a person. It's nice having someone to ride out life with; especially during the highs and lows.

  4. Lawyered.

    "Perhaps the most powerful thing I’ve ever learned in my life isn’t a fencing or a wrestling move, but rather this: What other people think of me in none of my business."

    It took me a long time to learn this. Even then, sometimes that foundation is rocked. I'm not sure what view to take when that happens. Either you're being stubborn and unable to take other people's criticism/critiques, whether they be constructive or not, or you don't have conviction in your own beliefs. It's a fine line to walk sometimes.

    Great post as always.

    1. Ha – thanks. Also, I noticed a misspelling in my entry because of you so thanks for that as well.

      You're absolutely right that it's a fine line. I try to listen to all criticism and then make a value judgement but it *is* hard to figure out what is signal and what is noise. They sound so similar sometimes, don't they?

  5. You're right. It is none of anyone's business. But you have to look at it from a female's point of view. Dating someone from a different race/nationality is completely different from dating someone from a different age range. On a very shallow perspective, what do you think of a 60 year man dating a 20 year old? I'm sure that thought would've touched a nerve on a lot of women. Most of us would've probably thought you were a dirty, old man trying to score an clueless, immature chick or something to that effect. But again, nobody knows the whole story and as mentioned, it is none of our business. I always say, whatever floats your boat, buddy.

    1. I liked this comment so much that – for the first time – I've used it in a post. Thanks for it!

  6. First off, you had excellent hair and clothing choices. I know.

    I used to be engaged to a black Austrian girl, and when people turned their heads, I loved it. On the other hand, I have never dated or pursued an asian girl because I wouldn't want be thrown into the "white guy that dates asian girls" category. It really shouldn't matter at all, but the stigma would just get me. Everyone hates to be stereotyped.

    It's strange that the more common interracial couples (black male/white female, white male/asian female) receive a lot more criticism than the lesson common ones.

    1. I literally laughed out loud when I saw that pic – I put it up in my latest post, I hope you don't mind (if you do, I'll take it down, no worries).

      No one likes to be stereotyped BUT on the other hand, if you're genuine, that shouldn't matter. What other people think of you is none of your business. You should be with, and end up with, whomever it is that really floats your boat. That's the key to happiness, I think.

      Thanks for this comment, it always good to start the day with a hearty laugh!

  7. "Me: I’m sure he does. But – and this is admittedly none of my business – long after he’s gone, you’ll be stuck with the choices he makes for you. Your father lives his life. Your mother lives hers. You should live yours, yeah?" << That is probably the most brilliant thing I've ever read. On a blog.

    My aunt is one of those people who like to voice their opinions of you to you. She went to my cousin's wedding (in the Philippines, as in she flew there and all) to tell her she shouldn't marry her guy because he was poor. She went to my wedding dressed in black (in fact her whole family was dressed in black) but at least lucky me, she didn't say anything to me. I do know the first time she met my husband she wasn't fond of him because she always told me growing up to date an asian man (who I have learned — at least the ones in Cali — are all jerks) and even though my husband is half Filipino (and half Mexican) she was fixed more so on the Mexican half than the Filipino half.

    I don't get why people think and act like that. Do they seriously think their opinions on someone else's life matters?!

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