Me: Hey. Her: Yeah? Me: I feel we should just go do it. You and me. Her: Just us? Me: Yeah. I mean, it feels like we’re already married. I can’t imagine life without you. Her: (laughing) Well, that’s good, because you’re not getting rid of me. Me: Sweeeeet.
May or may not post on Monday.
Gonna hang out with the kids and Mrs. Lo for a bit.
Me: This ring is really gonna cut into my picking up women. Her: I will kill you, Logan. I will kill you dead. Me: Noted.
Location: earlier today, the courthouse downtown
Mood: married
Music: I’ll go anywhere you want to (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
The Devil once said something about his childhood that always stuck in my mind:
When you aren’t fed what you need by spoons, you learn to lick what you can off knives.
Never really understood what he meant by that until I became a dad myself, but I think it means that children will fill themselves with something, so it’s best that you do it before they do it themselves with things you may or may not want.
To this end, I’ve been trying my darndest to give him things that I loved as a child, like the books that made me, me or shows that I loved as a kid.
Obviously, he’ll find things of his own that he’ll know and love.
But sometimes I feel it’s a losing battle against the allure of technology and…screens.
Man, screens are crack for kids.
BUT there is one single thing that I loved as a kid that the kid loves as well: Board and card games.
So, the other day, instead of playing Big Two – which we’ve been playing pretty consistently around here – we dusted off the ole Settlers of Catan.
Man, I still remember playing with Paul and my friends way back when and coming home to Alison. That was a lifetime ago.
I digress…
The kids were really into it this time because they understood the rules and strategy, so it was a lot more fun.
While I ended up winning the game, for me, the high point of the whole evening came early on when we were all desperate for bricks.
The kid was the only one with any – he had just one – so we were all trying to cut a deal with him when he looks at the Firecracker’s kid dead in the eye and goes, You wanna trade that for this brick?! No way, bro, these are precious!
AND, I just happened to snap a pic right when he said it – that’s the pic directly above.
Laughed so hard I almost started crying.
That will be in the top ten memories for me and this kid for a while, I think.
Location: at a new studio, filming more shorts and video
Mood: drained
Music: with you, I am whole (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
In any case, I took my buddy out for a drink over the weekend and just heard his (and his mom’s) story, which I’ll end here because it’s not mine to tell.
Me: This is why alcohol was invented, man.
The second was the opposite.
My own mom turned a milestone birthday, one that I’m grateful she was able to reach.
My sister came up with the brilliant plan to have many of our relatives from all over – including Taiwan – to video call her at the same time and wish her well.
As an aside, I usually put up pictures that don’t include my kid sister and only include my brother and me because, by the time she was born, I was already a fatty-fat-fat.
Anywho, getting back to my mom and the video call, she’s not one for pomp and circumstance but I could tell she was touched by the gesture.
I know that, at some point, I will have to go through what my buddy is going through and I’m not – at all – prepared for it.
Don’t think we’re ever prepared to say goodbye to the people we’ve loved so long and so completely.
Ok, that’s my sister when she came home from the hospital. I can put pics of her up so long as I’m not in them.
When I think of my mom, the faces you see above is the face I always see in my head when I think of her.
She’ll always be that young and beautiful to me.
I wish everyone we love can always stay.
Doubt that I’m alone in this.
But that’s not the deal, and we have to accept it, however hard it is.
Me: Even I have to go someday. Him: But…what if you don’t, papa? Me: That’s the deal, kid. We all have to go at some point so someone else gets a chance. Him: (hopefully) But maybe it’ll be different for you. Me: (laughing) Ok, kid. Maybe. We’ll just have to wait and see. Go do your math.
They keep moving my polling station; it used to be right across the street then a few blocks north, then a few blocks east.
This time around, I thought it was at my kid’s school, but I read the address wrong.
Staffer: Sorry, you’re at another polling station – but it’s literally one block away. Me: Oh, man…
Luckily, it was.
So, after a nice little walk – where we were accosted by people we didn’t know…
Them: Can we ask who you’re voting for? Me: Nope.
…we found the right place, stepped in, did our civic duty, and high tailed it home.
Her: I think it’d be good for the kids to see us vote, or at least know we did. Me: Agreed. Not enough people do it and we gotta lead by example.
Here’s hoping for some good news moving forward.
The kid’s never really cared about how he looks.
Until recently, that is.
When Alison was sick, and his hair got unruly, I just buzzed it for him.
Then Alison’s mom and he started having this nice little ritual where she takes him to get a haircut around her pad, which I find really sweet.
Unfortunately, with the exception of that brief visit the other day, he’s not really been able to spend much time with them to get a haircut with them so…I took him out for his first haircut (with me).
It affected me a lot more than I thought it would.
I suppose because it’s yet another first I got to experience, and Alison didn’t. Everything is bittersweet.
We can stop talking about that now.
Anywho, he picked out his hairstyle himself. You’d like it, I think.
He wishes he could grow up faster and I wish he would slow down.
Neither of us will get our way, which is probably how it’s always been with fathers and sons.
Him: What do you think, papa? Me: You look great kid! Good choice. More importantly, do *you* like it? Him: Yeah! Me: Well, then that’s really the important thing, then.
Location: earlier today, getting stabbed multiple times in the back with a needle
Mood: ouch
Music: don’t wanna sit still, look pretty (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Me: Hola! We didn’t see you at the Halloween party tonight. Neighbor: I know! We’re at [our daughter’s] friend’s house. Tradition is ending as kids are getting older. Me: I get it, but it still bums me out!
See, we’re actually friends with multiple people and families in the building next door although the family we normally trick-or-treat with are our oldest ones.
In any case, we ended up going – me and the kid and the Firecracker and her kid – and had a grand time as usual.
It’s that whole, The more things change, the more things stay the same, kinda thing.
On that note, we’d not seen Alison’s parents in a while, and I’d also not seen my mom and sis in a while.
So, that Sunday, while the Firecracker ran some errands, the kid and I took the PATH to Hoboken and met up with my SIL where we hitched a ride with her to her parents.
There, we had a really quick lunch with them before my SIL drove us back to Hoboken so we could try and make a train to see my mom.
Him: We spent more time traveling than we did with grandma and grandpa! Me: (thinking) Yup, that’s true. Four hours traveling but only 90 minutes with them.
We literally *just* missed the train. Crazy how one small change can have such drastic consequences.
Unfortunately, we missed the PATH train by just a couple of minutes but that set off a whole set of cascading consequences that ended up with the Firecracker waiting over two hours for us and my sister and mom, one.
See, because we missed the PATH train, we also missed the straight shot from Penn Station to my mom’s pad.
So, we rush to the subway and caught an N train to try and catch a quick transfer to a 7 train to transfer to another train to see my mom.
But the marathon, which was happening that day, messed alla that up as well.
We ended up missing pretty much every transfer and didn’t end up seeing my family until an hour later.
The Firecracker didn’t say a single word about our being two hours late for her.
Yet another reason why she rocks.
To make it up to her, I let my mom show her a TON of fat pics of me.
Me: You don’t know what a Chinese bowl cut is? Her: Show me. (looks) It’s just a bowl cut, Logan. Just because you’re Chinese doesn’t make it a Chinese bowl cut. Is your toothbrush a Chinese toothbrush because you use it? Me: I don’t think I like your tone right now.
Did I ever mention to you that she was a drummer for years?
Well, she also showed the kid and his cousins some of the basics of that.
It was a fun, if not completely exhausting, day.
In any case, because of daylight savings time, it felt like midnight when we got home but…
Me: I can’t believe it’s only 8:30PM. Her: I know. I’m exhausted. I need a nap. Me: Nap?! I was on eight trains and three cars today across two states. I’m going to bed. Her: Aw, does my old man need to go to bed? Me: OMG, yes.
We were all having dinner the other night when the kid asked me, “What happened the night I was born?”
I glitched.
I couldn’t really remember.
That’s not wholly unexpected because a lotta people experience difficulty recalling moments before a traumatic event causea stress hormones interfering with memory encoding.
And, just a few days after my kid was born, I got the worst possible news that I could ever imagine so if that’s not trauma, I dunno what is.
I walked up these stairs three days after Alison collapsed to stay with her. I’d gone home to shower, I think. Don’t really remember.
The thing is that this is part of why I take so many pictures.
Cause I know I’ll forget things if I don’t.
Unfortunately, there are three years of pictures that I almost never look at because they wreck me.
I took the least amount of pictures the year the kid was born because it was one tragedy after another – even before Alison got sick.
It’s why I stopped writing the blog during that time. It was all so sad.
And it only got worse.
Took a lot in 2017 for reasons I’ll tell you about someday, maybe.
For this entry, I looked back to see if there were any pictures I could use or memories it might jar but they were all horrible, so I bailed.
I literally have like four pictures that don’t make me wanna dry heave.
This is one of the few I have that don’t.
The kid is less than a week old in this. His mom had just been told she was sick. It was a shitshow. I don’t remember much of any of this, I’m just going by the timestamp.
Cancer is like the shitty gift that keeps on taking.
I’ve been thinking about my dad almost daily these days as well, for a buncha reasons that I’ll (also) probably tell you about onea these days.
I did remember one good thing, though.
Him: Well, do you remember what you first said to me? Me: (nodding, smiling) Yeah, that I do. I said, “Hey, little guy. 爸爸媽媽好愛你. (Papa and mama love you so.)”
Me: I just realized something. Her: What? Me: The kid’s gonna be moving out in just seven more years. That seems so insanely quick. Her: (nodding) Yeah. We really don’t have them all that long. Me: OMG, I’m so bummed out suddenly…
Came across this article recently from the oldest practicing – 101 – doctor in America.
But, between my friend who just got discharged from the hospital, to me with my crap back, I feel that, at some point, it’s just fighting against the tides.
Everything is about maintenance, I’m not really growing anymore. I’m just trying to deteriorate at a slower rate than most people my age.
I’m just shocked that more people aren’t doing everything they can to stave off the inevitable.
Me: It just seems crazy to me – do people not think it’s gonna happen to them? Her: Getting older? I think they don’t really consider that working out or eating healthfully will really make all that much of a difference. Me: That’s crazy. Her: (shrugging) I honestly don’t think a lotta people realize it’s an option.
On that note, I look at the kid and realize that, unlike me, he’s improving every day.
He’s getting stronger and smarter and better each day, and I’m thrilled for him and for it. That’s how it should be.
I just wish he doesn’t have to deteriorate like all humans do.
Then again, that’s what it means to be human, I suppose.
Location: my kid’s bunkbed, looking for missing screws from all the construction around here that have vibrated them off
Mood: prickly
Music: Everything counts in large amounts (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
A while back, my sister celebrated her birthday and gave the most lovely little nod to Alison, which I’ve always deeply appreciated.
She wrote something like, “People often complain about getting old. But after my sister-in-law passed at such a young age, I vowed I would never do that. It’s such a gift to get old and not everyone gets that chance.”
I think about that on the regular.
Getting old is a blessing.
A crappy blessing, but a blessing nonetheless.
Just found out that a dear and close friend of mine is in the hospital.
He’s an older fella but still very spry and active so it came as quite a shock.
Burst aneurysm.
It instantly brought me back to all those fucking nights in those goddamn hospitals – both for Alison and my dad.
But it looks like he’ll be ok, which I’m hoping is the case – we won’t know for sure for a few days.
That’s the thing about getting older: Even if you’re careful and lucky, you still spend far more time dealing with health issues than not.
On that note, I’ve been dealing with my own health issues. My herniated disc isn’t getting better – at all.
Doctor: The main issue is that your spinal canal is getting narrower. Me: Is it because of my wrestling and fencing? Him: (thinking) I don’t think so. If anything, your keeping active prevented this from being worse. Me: What is it exactly? Him: It’s the scoliosis I mentioned, and you have signs of deterioration and arthritis. Me: Because I’m so active or… Him: Oh no, just age. You’re 52 after all. Me: So, I’ve been told.
To wit, after I went with the kid for over two hours to check out some middle schools today…
This pic is also not from today – they didn’t allow us to take pics.
…and after over a year of physical therapy and other things, I did the one thing left for me to do before surgery, which is a steroid injection into my spine.
Now, last week, I went to an office on the East Side twice to do alla the prep I needed to do and this afternoon, it was shot time.
I don’t have any pics from the procedure today – just forgot to take any.
But picture this: I’m lying face down on like a massage table with a cutout for my face in a FREEZING room with three young ladies.
I’m shirtless and my pants are pulled down most of the way with my rear end sticking up in the air.
Luckily for me, I have very little shame so, while it was odd and a bit disconcerting, it was ok for the most part.
Anywho, my chat with the doctor was pretty good too.
Him: So, when are you back from vacation? Me: Oh, we’re not going for another month. Him: Ah, good. So, I can see you in two weeks for a followup? Me: Yup. Him: OK. You know, I do all this small talk to distract you while we do the injection. And…done. Me: Wait, you did it already? Him: (laughing) Yup. Just keep lying there for a bit but you should be out the door in 10-15 minutes.
Considering how many medical procedures I’ve ever done or been part of, this was probably the best case scenario.
Afterwards, I was too beat to cook so I just took everyone out to eat at our fave neighborhood bistro.
One of the things that I appreciate about having the kid is that he’s always trying something new, which means two things: (a) I get to see him do new things and (b) I often have to bring him places that I’ve not been before.
Case-in-point, the other day, there was a class that I thought he would like so I signed him up for it.
It was actually held near my old gym and a block from my kali class but in a building that I’d never been inside before. Turns out that it was a whole school of performing arts stuff.
Literally, within five minutes of us arriving, the kid was playing tag with a buncha kids he’d never met before (and they all knew each other).
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly he’s able to make friends.
Let’s hope that never stops.
Me: Walking to you now, five mins. Did you like it? Him: No… Me: Oh no! OK. Him: Yea. Can we get Taco Bell, please?
Unfortunately, not alla my ideas are a hit, and this one was one of the duds.
I always give the kid props for trying new things; that’s the deal – he always has to try new things, but I won’t force them on him if he hates them.
And he hated this thing.
So, I bought back some goodwill with some fast-food Tex-Mex.
Speaking of duds, almost exactly nine years ago this week, a guy that I didn’t know at the time – he was a friend of Pac’s but he and I are friends now – drove me out to NJ to pick up a washer dryer for Alison to use as I assumed we’d constantly be cleaning clothing and bedsheets.
Ah, if only.
Well, that machine just gave up the ghost this past week.
My rule of thumb is that, if it costs more than 1/3 of the price to repair and it’s over seven years old, it’s probably worth it to buy a new one.
BUT, what I didn’t know when I got this one was that my basement can only fit a 24-inch machine and this one was 26 inches.
It was only with the help of Pac’s buddy, a couple of huge neighbors, a power drill, and just raw determination and anger that got this damn thing through the door.
So, I opted to call in a repairman who could fix it for roughly half the cost of a new one.
They’re ordering the part, which’ll take a bit to get so we won’t have a machine for a little longer.
Man an in-unit washer dryer in NYC is gold.
Me: Will it come with a warranty? Him: (thick accent) One month. Me: What happens after a month? Him: (shrugging) No more warranty. Me: (nodding slowly)
Location: home, not quite as sick. Still send soup.
Mood: foggy but not terrible
Music: Still runs good, built to last (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
One thing that we’ve been talking about over at Scenic Fights is the rise of AI and how you can take anyone’s likeness and make videos outta them, like this CBS reporter did:
It’s pretty impressive – and horrifying at the same time.
You can literally make anyone that you have pictures of, do anything.
Seriously, anything (I’ll let you fill in the blanks here).
On this note, you may have noticed that I don’t put up any pictures of my kid with his face showing.
I used to write his name in this blog, but I don’t even do that anymore – that’s the main reason I call him “the kid,” here.
As for why I did that, I’ve told you about before; which is that it’s not fair for me, as his parent, to take away his right to privacy/anonymity just because I can.
What if he doesn’t want to be known? What if he wants to write and tell his own story his way?
If I have years of posts about him complete with his face and everything, that will be all the more difficult.
But even in the back of my mind, I knew that technology would improve to the point where anyone could take a picture and animate it to make it appear that the picture person was doing something they never would.
In fact, that was the main subject of my lecture in Spain all those years ago.
The thing is, I never imagined that it would happen so quickly.
So, I’m doubly glad that I’ve not put up pictures of his face and will continue to do so – and I ask that you consider doing the same if you have kids.
If this whole #EpsteinFiles horror has taught us anything, it’s that there are some seriously messed up people out there.
May or may not post on Monday.
