Month: March 2023

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personal

Our hearts are red balloons

I need to change that

The Firecracker got home a bit earlier today so, after I dropped the kid off at his afterschool – which is just two blocks from her pad – I stopped by.

She usually buzzes me into her building and unlocks the door so I can let myself in.

Me: Hey, where are you?
Her: (running towards me, hair and limbs akimbo) BANZAI!!!
Me: WHAT THE F-!

God, it’s nice when someone’s happy to see you.

Last week, when we saw the Surgeon, my buddy Steel wasn’t available.

This time, though, he was so the Firecracker, the kid, and I went down to Chinatown to grab some food and headed to the Surgeon’s pad for another get-together.

Steel cooked everything…

…while the Surgeon made some mixed drinks.

Him: Do you want rum or som-
Me: Rum!
Him: (laughing) No surprise there.

The Firecracker was a big hit with Steel’s wife.

Her: We love her!!! I am keeping her!

The Firecracker and I tried to limit our drinking and we did an ok job. It was hard because the surgeon does mix some killer drinks.

He and Steel own a few bars in the city.

Firecracker: Wait, I’ve been to that place. That’s yours?
Steel: Yup. Which one?
Her: There’s more than one? The uptown one?
Him: Oh, we have another one downtown.
Me: We’ll head out there onea these days.

We did, however, eat continuously since we arrived. Especially since there was a ton of sushi for the adults, alla Chinese food I brought, and pizza for the kids.

Me: I want a slice of pizza.
Him: What about the carbs?
Me: I already ate so much sushi that I figure that I’m in it.

Speaking of carbs, the Surgeon’s wife pulled out a whole stack of Klondike bars. I’d not had one since I was a kid so I took one.

The next day, I hosted one of the kid’s classmates and then brought the two of them to another class outing at a playground near me.

I’m looking forward to spending the summer hanging out with kid and maybe having the Firecracker for company.

My summers have been pretty sad lately.

I need to change that.

Location: the Barnes & Noble on the UWS, realizing they blocked all the windows so people wouldn’t sit on the sills anymore
Mood: hungry and dreaming of apple pie
Music: The skies are wide open (Spotify)
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Having all the parts

On the regular

The last few people I’ve dated, including the Firecracker, have been on the shorter side, which I find amusing.

Me: Man, you’re tiny. You’re like half a person.
Her: No, I’m not! I’m a whole person – I have all the parts.

I have most of my parts, but I’ve been worried about how some of them have been functioning lately – mainly my eyes.

My eyesight has been getting progressively worse since I got kicked in the head the night I covered class.

Rang up the doc that I saw a few weeks back and he told me to stop by his office again this past weekend.

One thing that I really like about him is that he runs a tight ship. Within 30 minutes of my arriving he, was already wrapping up the visit.

Him: Everything looks good, your retina is solid, and you just have a touch of cataracts.
Me: So why does everything look blurry?
Him: Ah, well, you’re developing monovision. That’s when one eye sees distance and one eye sees up close. Your right eye is now essentially for reading while your left eye is for seeing things far away.
Me: Whoa, that’s wild. Because I got kicked in the head?
Him: (nodding) But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Most people have to have surgery to get that, but you now have it naturally. I have it naturally myself and it’s why I don’t need glasses.

All-in-all, it was a relief.

It’s still weird to walk around and have things so blurry alla time. But he says that I have to practice looking at things far away with my right eye and reading with my left eye.

How hard can that be?

One thing that I found interesting was that, when I first met the doctor, I barely knew the Firecracker.

Now, I’d spent the last two months seeing/chatting with her on the regular.

Funny how life works.

Location: a small room, watching her eat an apple pie in her bed
Mood: wondering if I should eat an apple pie in my bed
Music: I’ve lost more than a heart could take (Spotify)
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A Story, on the West Side

Seeing the blue sky again

It’s been a super busy week with work and life.

This past weekend, the kid had his first “school party” without me.

Basically, the PTA threw a party where the parents dropped off their kids so the kids could spend three hours running around the school, playing games and dancing and such.

The kid was so thrilled, I was excited for him. But he’s growing up way too fast.

Him: You’ll really let me go?
Me: Of course.
Him: You’re the best dad, ever!
Me: You’re not wrong.

The Firecracker and I took the opportunity to grab a drink around the way at a local bar called Jake’s Dilemma.

Her: You got carded! The night’s already off to a good start. (later) Look at us, out at a bar without the kids.
Me: It definitely feels weird.

Because we were both actively dating when we met, she and I chat about dating in NYC in general and our recent history.

Me: …so, that was the end of that.
Her: Well, compared to my last date, you’re definitely an upgrade.
Me: (laughing) I would hope so.
Her: Oh yeah, it’s like moving up from a Pinto to a Ferrari.

If nuthin else, she’s good for my ego.

The next day, the kid went to a Holi festival at the Seaport and I grabbed him over at Lincoln Center before heading back downtown.

Me: See that brown building over there? This entire place used to be fulla buildings exactly like that. But you can actually see exactly what it used to look like before it became Lincoln Center.
Her: Where?
Me: The original West Side Story. It was shot when this was all residential walk-up housing. They literally bulldozed the entire neighborhood the day after shooting stopped.

The kid and I met up with the Firecracker and her kid to come with me to the Surgeon’s place for a little party after his Holi party.

Me: They live in a converted department store. The ceilings are like 15 feet tall.
Her: I can’t wait to see it!

She was impressed.

The surgeon made rum cocktails while I cooked up some Korean pork dishes that I got from H Mart near the gym.

Her kid was a huge hit with the Surgeon’s daughters. It was nice that everyone got along well.

His brother, Steel, had another engagement but everyone there was really cool. We met the most interesting fella who worked at Google…

His Wife: (proudly) He invented Chrome.
Me: Wait, for real?!
Him: (sheepishly) Yeah. I led the team that wrote Firefox and Google hired me to write Chrome for them.
Me: Oh man, I have so many questions. (later) BTW, lemme tell you about this hack that happened to me because of Chrome…

It was super late when we all left.

The next day, we all met up with the ABFF and her kids as well and everyone seemed to get along well there too.

Her: Shoot, I don’t have any alcohol.
Me: It’s like you don’t even know me.

I feel like my life’s been on hold for years now.

I either didn’t go out or went to things solo. It’s nice to have a companion that wants to do things with me.

You know, the scaffolding on my block came down and I can see the blue sky again.

The last time I saw the blue sky around my pad, Alison was still alive and we were waiting for the boy to come.

I’ve been in shadow ever since.

So, it’s nice to see the sun and sky again.

It’s been so long that I’d forgotten what it looked like.

Location: yesterday, looking at the sun from my son’s room
Mood: ruminating
Music: I can see the bright blue skies now (Spotify)
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The one with the singing

Still loading

Her: (finishes singing a song and turns to look at me) Do you think I’m weird?
Me: (nodding) Oh, yeah. Totally.
Her: Oh…
Me: (laughing) You’re adorkable!

This past weekend, I had a few things really stop me in my tracks. None were what you might call, “good,” but neither were they “terrible.”

They were, however, things that made me radically reassess my life and look at things very differently.

All three are gonna mean that my life is gonna change drastically and I’m not sure how it’ll all shake out.

The smallest of the three – and the only one I can really tell you about – is that the Firecracker and I got into our first real big fight but it was really about nuthin.

Honestly though, most fights are about nuthin, if you think about it in the grand scheme of things.

In any case, my takeaway, though, was her style of fighting. It worked well with my style of fighting such that the whole things – while arduous – was over and done by the evening. That’s a net positive.

I suppose, in life, you gotta take all the net positives you can.

The other two events I’m still sorting it all out in my head. But really big changes are ahead for the Lo family, lemme tell ya.

Ultimately, though, I’m trying to go back to my old mindset from a decade ago and accepting the world as it is, not as I wish it to be.

It’s funny, suppose I started upgrading my OS ages ago but it got interrupted with alla the tragedies.

It never stopped loading into my brain, though.

It’s still loading now, I think.

At least there was lots of music all weekend, between the Firecracker and my son singing.

This is his latest – Emily, another parent from his school, thinks he would rock the talent show. He says he’s too shy.

I dunno, I think he’d be pretty good.

Him: (sadly) Do I have to do it?
Me: Only if you want, kid.
Him: Oh. OK. I don’t want to. Too many people.
Me: Maybe someday.
Him: (nodding) Maybe.

Location: tonight, almost having a homemade apple pie in a bed that wasn’t mine
Mood: accepting
Music: You were only waiting for this moment to be free (Spotify)
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Getting Old is a Privilege

My theme songs

Me: Look, we just have to make this work for…
Simultaneously: 40 years
Her: Jinx! You owe me a coke.
Me: What? That’s not a thing.
Her: Yes, it is grandpa…

The Firecracker likes to poke fun at our age difference but I don’t really mind at all.

See, I wear it like a badge of honor.

Cause the ability to get old is a privilege. Not everyone gets that chance so I’m grateful to get to be an old man.

Years ago, I asked you what your theme song would be.

I think our lives go through a series of thematic changes.

Back when I was young and stupid in my early thirties, I thought that my debilitating insomnia and my breakup with the Reporter was the worst thing that coulda happened to me.

Looking back, I’m shocked how naïve I was.

During that time, my life was a dramady – some comedy mixed with some minor drama.

During that time, my theme song was Overkill by Colin Hayes.

Speaking of Colin Hay, when I met Alison, I think that my life was still a dramady but definitely more drama than comedy, as we felt the weight of life as a young married couple.

We had our ups-and-downs but we were just trying to figure out how to have a life together. With a fatty of our own, somehow.

Always felt that, once we got the kid, our real lives would begin, that any minute now, our ship would come in.

But it never did.

It never occurred to me that I was living my real life until it was too late.

See, every day was a holiday with her…

…until it wasn’t.

Until it all turned to shit.

During Alison’s sickness, Lorde was huge because it was the only album I had on my phone and I was so busy trying to save her and our life that I didn’t have time to change it.

Still never listen to Lorde because it brings back such vivid memories.

Think I would throw up if I heard Pure Heroine again.

Jesus, I musta heard that album easily 200 times during the first four months.

I was so busy that I literally didn’t have a moment to download any new songs and it was waaaaay before Spotify.

Anywho, in the song, Buzzcut Season, there’s a line that goes, “It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain.”

Remember hearing that line and thinking that, even with Alison bald and stick thin, I still thought she was beautiful and I was so lucky to have met her.

When she was sick, suppose that my life was probably best summed up by Chaos Chaos’s Do You Feel It?

Some days I’m built of metal, I can’t be broken
But not when I’m with you
You love me real, we have it all
Can’t leave me now
I love the way, you are today
Run away with me now

Kept hoping it was all a bad dream, I’d wake up, and she I could run away somewhere with the boy and live the life we were supposed to live.

The years afterward were gutting for so many reasons that I’ll just keep my theme song during that time to myself, if you don’t mind.

But right now, at this moment, honestly don’t know if my life’s gonna be a dramady again, another tragedy, or something altogether new.

There’s a song by a fella named Mike Blume, who released his latest song under the name Whatever Mike for some reason, called In-Between.

The chorus goes:

I’m inbetween
Right here where I want it
Right here where I want it
I′m inbetween

Dunno if the rest of the song is really super appropriate to my life right now but those few lines perfectly encapsulate how I look at my life right now.

I’m in-between alla these memories and hopes, life and death, happiness and sadness.

All of it. I’m in between all of it.

Somehow, it’s ok because it’s better to be in-between than toward the end. Nowadays, at least.

Nothing is as I wanted it to be, but I’m happy where I am right now.

Which makes me anxious because happiness is so rare for me. Then again, what is life, if not a tragedy fulla joy?

I think our theme songs changes with the years, so I suppose we’ll revisit this topic again from time-to-time.

What about you?

What’s your theme song?

Me: Why do you hurt me?
Her: (laughing) If I don’t have old jokes, I have nothing here, Logan. Nothing!

Location: this afternoon, walking in the sun with Firecracker down Broadway
Mood: introspective
Music: I’m between, right here where I want it (Spotify)
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The one where Logan learns to throw a knife

Happy Pi Day!

It was a pretty packed weekend.

It started off relatively sedate – nuthin crazy but the kid, the Firecracker, and I all went out to grab some Chinese food around the way.

The kid’s so chill – the Firecracker suddenly appears in his life and he’s just like, “New friend!”

And that’s pretty much all he needs to know.

The last time we were there, the NFL player taught him how to play Hangman and he’s loved it ever since.

Boy: Do you want to play Hangman?
Her: OK! (draws something) It’s a country that borders us.
Him: (thinking) Mexico?
Her: Mexico doesn’t end in an “a.”
Him: Canada!

Afterward, we went back to my place to watch Harry Potter.

I’d actually never seen it before and the kid’s never really seen any movie end-to-end but the Firecracker’s so upbeat that she managed to keep the kid’s interest for the whole film.

Pretty impressive, I gotta say.

On Sunday, however, it was just a full day of shooting. Pez – god bless that gal – came over to watch the boy while I went to do my shoot.

Pak, Chad, and I rotate who does the heavy lifting for each shoot weekend. Both Pak and Chad did their heavy shoots, so now it was my turn.

One of my scenes involved some serious knife throwing so this fella they call the Great Throwdini came by as a guest for the show. He was super cool and actually taught me how to throw a knife.

Both my first and second throws were spot on.

Was pretty proud, I gotta say.

The Firecracker came by and met everyone for the first time, as well. The fellas were all really cool with her, which I really appreciated.

She couldn’t stay long but we were given 30 mins to get something to eat so we left, and I ordered a salad while she ran out and bought a $7 coffee.

Her: $7! Can you believe that?
Me: Did you get a massage with that or was it just the coffee?
Her: Just the coffee, Lo.

Unfortunately, she didn’t get a chance to enjoy the coffee and I didn’t get a chance to enjoy the salad because our producer couldn’t find the Scream mask we needed for the shoot.

But he knew I had one at home because he had ordered me one a while back.

Him: Can you go home and find it?
Me: I have no idea where it is.
Him: Can you try?

So, the Firecracker and I high tailed it back to my pad where I tore the place apart looking for it – all while Pez was amused at my frantic running about.

After some 15 minutes, I gave up and sat down to (finally) have my salad.

Me: I give up. It’s not here.
Firecracker: What about the third closet?
Me: (shaking head) It wouldn’t be in there, I just keep…
Her: Found it!
Me: Get outta here!

So, the Firecracker went home, Pez went back to taking care of the kid, and I went back down by my lonely to finish my shoot.

I actually finished alla my work ahead of schedule so I got to head home early to crash.

I was gonna end this entry differently, but the Firecracker hit me up late tonight as I was writing it.

Her: A delivery person is heading to your place now.
Me: What? Don’t spend the money!
Her: Too late.

She sent me a pie because it’s Pi Day – March 14th.

And it’s pecan to boot.

Man, a fella could fall for a girl like that…

Location: earlier today, trying to corral two kids that didn’t want to wear their jackets on a snowy day, down Amsterdam Ave
Mood: exhausted
Music: she loves to keep you in suspense (Spotify)
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First bully

Finishing a fight

Her: I’m a fan of all of your different personalities. (thinking) Wait, that’s not true, there is one Logan I’m not a fan of.
Me: Which one?
Her: The one that cuts like a knife. Not a fan of that one.

Most of my life these days is being a dad.

Her: Would you ever be a [lawyer/martial arts instructor/network analyst/etc] again?
Me: (thinking) I’m happy with my quiet life being Mr. Mom.

But I felt my old self come back for a fleeting moment the other day when, after school, the boy ran to me crying with blood going down his face and shirt.

He said an older girl kicked him in the face.

Saw red for a moment but calmed down as best I could. The girl – a teenager – saw me and took off running. So, I cleaned him up and brought him to his scheduled Chinese class.

But then another parent wrote me to tell me that the girl had come back.

So, I went back to the schoolyard to speak to her. The lawyer in me told me to record the whole thing so I did that.

I found them so simple and stupid.

I think I hate kids. Except my own, that is.

The girl told me that my kid started it by kicking a ball towards them and she kicked the ball back at him and knocked out his tooth.

My son later insisted that this was false, she kicked him directly in the face.

I should mention right now that it was a baby tooth, which is part of the reason I decided not to escalate this.

She said she was protecting her friend, who was a boy, vastly overweight, and the same height as me. This annoyed me.

Me: You understand he’s seven, right? You’re a lot older than him just like I’m a lot older than you.
Her: (stares blankly)
Me: You really should be embarrassed with yourselves, picking on a seven year old.

Admittedly, there was a part of me that wanted to beat the snot outta all of them.

But I can only imagine the papers the next day.

This is my typical lunch when I’m in a playground waiting for the kid to finish up playing.

Spoke to my MIL, who told me that I did everything right.

It honestly didn’t feel that way. But I suppose she’s right.

Spoke to the kid afterward.

Me: What were you thinking kicking a ball at kids *that* much bigger than you?
Him: (shrugging) I don’t know.
Me: Here’s the thing: If anyone hits you, you have my absolute permission to hit them back. But it cuts both way, kid. You threw a ball at them, they had a right to defend themselves. I’ll never get mad at you for finishing a fight, but I will get mad at you for starting one.
Him: Are you mad now?
Me: (shaking head) I’m not happy but, no, I’m not mad. I’m just glad you’re ok. Let’s not get into another fight for another seven years – at least – ok?
Him: OK. (thinking) You promised me ice cream if I lost a tooth.
Me: (laughing) I did. A deal’s a deal, right kid?
Him: (smiling his now gap-toothed smile) Yeah!

Location: this morning, running down to Chinatown to get some food and a haircut before grabbing the kid for jits
Mood: less annoyed
Music: She’s so good with her stiletto, you don’t even see the blade (Spotify)
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Never have I ever…

Finding the things we look for

Forgot to mention that, while I was at my in-laws last week, we got onto the topic of how many pushups I could do in one minute.

I’d never tried to figure it out before so I cranked out about 60 in 45 seconds, but those last 15 seconds were agonizing. Agonizing.

I could only get out 19 more; try as I might, I could NOT get to 80 before my muscles gave out.

Which they did and I collapsed onto the floor. My son – god love him – was disappointed:

Him: For god’s sake, get up!
Me: (breathing heavily) Everyone’s a critic…

That’s my boy, folks.

During one of our late-night outings with copious amounts of legal pharmaceuticals, the Firecracker and I started playing a game of “Never have I ever.”

Gotta say, dating someone from the south is entertaining on so many levels.

Her: You’ve never been to a field party?
Me: I don’t even know what that is.
Her: It’s a party. In a field. With a bonfire.
Me: I figured out the first part on my own.
Her: My favorite one was on Moo Cow Lane.
Me: That’s not a real place.
Her: (laughing) Yes, it is!

So many levels.

On a different, but related, note. There are also lots of unexpected perks to dating another parent.

For example, she and her son came by the other day for a playdate. They’re close in age so they get along well.

Unfortunately, in the middle of it, my kid tapped me on the shoulder and said that he didn’t feel well. I figured he was just tired but then he said he had a sore throat so I gave him some Tylenol.

Her: Take his temperature.
Me: Not a bad idea, ok, hold on. (later) Shoot. 103.
Her: OK, we should go.

It was impressive, I gotta say, how her maternal instincts kicked in.

Tthought about that woman I briefly dated that said that she didn’t mind that I had a kid.

That woman and I got along great for the few times we saw each other but once she said that, I lost all interest.

Chatted with a buddy about it a few days after I ended it.

Him: Your kid’s so great, I’m sure she woulda come around.
Me: (shaking head) I couldn’t take that chance. My kid’s made of awesome; anyone who wouldn’t want someone like him in her life, I wouldn’t want in mine.
Him: (shrugging) Well, hopefully you’ll meet someone you like.
Me: I will. We all find the things we look for, good or bad, one way or another.

Location: this evening, running into two of the kid’s teachers from when he was a kid just off Broadway
Mood: potentially sick
Music: always been the weird one out, fucking up that little town (Spotify)
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Hurt you so badly

Better off now

After the night out with the Firecracker and her friend, neither of us could make it to the Frenchman’s karaoke thingy the next day.

Me: (next morning) I think I’m still drunk.
Her: I need a Tylenol.
Me: Why are we even awake?!

But we were scheduled to meet up with her sister and her sister’s fella, both of whom lived across the street from her.

We ended up meeting up at a bar for an afternoon drink, not too far from the tiki bar we were the night before.

The Firecracker and I each got a rum and diet coke – plus wings for me – while they got beers and a huge pretzel for their kid, which made me think of Germany.

Her sister and fella were super cool and grabbed the bill, which was super nice of them.

Afterward, I was hungry for more wings, so we spent a solid 45 minutes walking around the hood looking for more wings, which I ultimately found.

A young couple were arguing – well, the fella was being yelled at by his girl – and the girl asked me what I thought.

Her: (turning to me) What do you think?! Am I right or is he?
Me: I’m just trying to get some wings here, lady…
Her: No, no, no, is he right or am I?
Me: (shaking head) I can’t say. I can say that communication isn’t what you’re saying but what he’s hearing. And he – and everyone else here – is just hearing you yell at him, kid.

There’s a lot more to this story but I’ll end it here.

The next day, I went out to NJ to get the boy from my in-laws.

MIL: We’re having pasta, salad, and garlic bread.
Me: I’m not saying no to any of that.

He went out with his guitar to practice and bringing it back was a bit of a pain, but worth it because he had plenty of time to practice.

As you might imagine, the Firecracker and I chat quite a bit now.

I find it odd because the weird commonality of the women I met after Alison have all had very sad stories to tell.

Wonder if it’s something about me that either attracts people with sad stories or perhaps they feel safe because I have my own – obscenely – sad stories.

Perhaps it’s a bit of both.

Me: I’m sorry.
Her: Nothing to be sorry about. I’m better off now.
Me: (shaking head) I’m sorry the world hurt you so badly, Firecracker.
Her: (nodding) I’m sorry the world hurt you so badly, Lo.
Me: Yeah…

Location: this afternoon, Blue Bottle with the pastor, disagreeing about cruising
Mood: contemplative
Music: this should be a crime and I’m ready to do the time (Spotify)
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