Categories
dating personal

Gone Fisher King (but coming back)

If only we could just pay the bill and go home

A red door from the East Village

 

You ever kinda just space out while walking or driving and just magically end up on your doorstep? Hold that thought.

There’s this great line from The Fisher King where the lead, who’s destroyed a buncha people’s lives, wails out, “If there were some way I could just pay the fine and go home.”

It’s never that easy. Did you ever complete that sentence, The purpose of life is?

My answer I actually told you once a while ago, except, I didn’t tell you. It was my dating philosophy: Leave people better off having met you. Note that I never said “women.”

Did it to try and help the world out; turns out it helped me out.

Thought I’d take this time to tell you some things, because I still get the occasional email asking.

  • The PCD is doing very well; we chat every so often. She’s one of my people, even though we never see each other. She’s also Beatrix from an old entry and you can read up on her love life here.
  • And the HEI is doing well too; she’s packed up and gone to see about a boy and a life out west. She drops me a line here and there.
  • Caligirl got married and that’s a story in itself.
  • Elle’s finding her way through the big city and finding herself along the way.
  • The Italian Lawyer, GES, the writer, human resources girl, and others I run into from time-to-time.
  • It was the SX’s birthday recently but she’s MIA. She, like most of them’ve left my Venn Diagram. Suppose that’s probably for the best.

Finally, there’s Heartgirl. She’s asked that I not write about her so I don’t but I think it’d be amiss if I didn’t. Because I’ve set her apart.

Spent the last hour trying to figure out how to tell you about her. I’ve decided that she’s my receipt.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still hustling for scratch, several items on my body are broken and/or bruised. Lots of fail.

But I think she’s my cashed check from Life saying, OK, you did some horrible, _____ things in your life. And I still promise you nuthin but pain. But all of that stuff you did? For that, we’re square. You’ve paid your fine…and you can go home.

It’s been almost exactly three years – August 17, 2006 – since I left who I was to figure out who I wanted to be; three years since my feet were pointed home.

Tonight, while talking to her, looked up to realize that I was almost there.

Was thinking that this was gonna be my last entry. Was gonna put down: Gone Fish’n and be off.

But this blog helped me find my way. So even if there’s only one person that still reads me, wanna say “Thanks” for taking the time. (Mom, if it’s you, “rum” is what kids call “apple juice”).

Gonna take next week off while I try and figure out a few things and spend some time with Heartgirl. But I’ll be back Sept 1st round midnight, like always.

See you then, yeah?

Categories
dating personal

Did you know?

Location: two hours ago, leaving the office
Mood: drained
Music: right here, right now

Went on a day trip recently with Heartgirl to a place out in the burbs. I’d gotten up in the middle of the night per my usual insomnia and made a racket looking for the bathroom door.

Me: (silence)
Her: (silence)
Me: I think I’m in the closet.
Her: (wakes up laughing) I can’t…breathe…(laughs harder) I thought…I was dreaming that…

Another three feet in, pretty sure I’d be somewhere in Narnia telling Mr. Tumnus that I was just looking for the bathroom.

———-

My friends think I’m a bit paranoid cause I tape up my notebook’s camera in case someone puts in a trojan that let’s people video me. It’s very true.

———-

Me: …the usual. What’s shaking with you? How was your weekend? And can I borrow $24,938? Answer the third question first.
Her: I have $13 and a lot of couch-cushion change. Does that help?

Been chatting with my friend KC and it seems that one outta eight marriages last year came from online dating. The way I see it, it’s like you got a friend named Match or whatnot that says, “Hey, I’ve got a girlie you might like.”It’s just another medium to meet someone. Onea Heartgirl’s friends and I also got into a similar conversation about dating over the weekend.

Her: Where do I go to meet someone that I’ll actually like?
Me: We live in NYC – there’re all over the place.
Her: The guys I want to talk to me, don’t. And the guys I don’t, do.
Me: You should talk to the guys you wanna talk to. Cause people’re lonlier than you might think.

S’funny. She too wondered if I spent all my time watching The Pickup Artist. The pickup is actually more a question of guts than anything else, IMHO. My feeling is that, if you’re a dude and just a little less broken, a little more sober, and just slightly more interesting than the dudes around you, you’ll be fine.

To be more sober, drink more water. To be slightly more interesting, say the first thing that pops into you head all of time.* As for not being broken, now that’s hard…

*Note, this does not work if you’re an idiot or if you’re a douche – consider faking being smart and non-douchey.

YASYCTAI: Take an improv class already. At the worst, you’ll have fun. At the best, you’ll be faster on your feet. (6 weeks/2 pts)

Categories
dating personal

Mii

Location: 11:06 yest, H&H; Bagels
Mood: really busy
Music: You can never get enough Enough of this stuff

NYC cityscape from the Hearst Building

Had a nice St. Valentine’s day with a quiet dinner. And Heartgirl demolishing me in Big Brain Academy.

Mii

———-

A neighbor’s bumped into me and several women I’ve dated. It’s a running joke between us. Ran into her again over the weekend and I told her about Heartgirl.

Her: Four months? That’s a record for you!
Me: (laughing) I suppose. I guess I’m just too old for it now.

S’funny cause all of my college friends knew me as the serial monogamist. Friday, saw an old buddy that only knew me as the computer guy with all the suits yet another friend says he’s never seen me in anything but tee-shirts and jeans.

A guy I tangled with was surprised I had a college degree. A girl I tangoed with was surprised I had my quiet nights.

S’funny what people think we are and what we think we are. Me? I think I’m just a recovering dork that doesn’t mind so much any more – see below for proof.

BTW, since I’m not dating wildly any more, read my friend Trix’s blog for a woman’s perspective in NYC dating: Friday I’m in Love.

Trix: [Dating] hasn’t been as fun lately. I just got tired of it.
Me: It does get tiring – all the hellos and goodbyes

Her: …and the crazy.

Mii

YASYCTAI: What do you think you look like? (1 min /1 pt)

Categories
dating personal

Flinching

Location: 13:00 yest, midtown having lunch w/my favorite person
Mood: anxious
Music: me ready for dem but dem no ready for me

NY Submission Shootout!

Him
: I’ve got a lotta anxiety.

Me: You know what anxiety is? It’s the fear of the hypothetical. And the opposite of fear isn’t bravery – it’s preparedness.

Buddy of mine recently got his relationship walking papers – he was anxious about getting dumped and then anxious about dating again. Get dumped once or twice, it rocks you. Get and give walking papers a dozen times a month, doesn’t matter as much. Ask for a number twice a year and there’s an anxiety attached to it. Ask for a number four days a week, for a year, and it becomes a whole lotta nuthin.

Well, nuthin and a stack of paper scraps with funny little drawings on them.

You’ve seen street beef before, right? Two guys all up in each other’s grill? Lots of show and puffery. But the guys that truly know how to tangle don’t do that. They either walk away or shrug and swing.

The closest I got to street beef recently was maybe five years ago? I said, OK, let’s go. Then he flinched. Wimp. So I rolled my eyes and rolled home. Not that I can actually fight, mind you.

This past weekend
, was with some of the best submission guys in the city. Yeah, there were some meatheads but these guys were mostly pretty polite. When you got a room fulla well-trained brawlers, you sorta gotta be polite. Saw this one kid just a few pounds heavier than me just demolished a guy that outweighed him by 60 pounds and a foot of height. So impressed.

These guys’re prepared.

I’ve not been sleeping well again. Guess I got my own fear of the hypothetical. Was prepared for slowdowns; up until I got jacked. So I’ve been sending out the resume and calling up old contacts to prepare all over again.

Man, isn’t it always the punch you don’t see coming that gets you?

YASYCTAI: You should start preparing for the things you know’re coming. (time/1 pt)

Categories
dating personal

Home in NYC

Was walking home over the chilly weekend when a dragonfly settled down on a stoop in my neighborhood. Guess I’m not the only one that thinks NYC’s lovely in the Fall.

Saw Heartgirl over the weekend. She made an offhand comment about something, which I don’t remember in the least – cause she called me her boyfriend.

Been called someone’s boyfriend three times in the past 2.5 years. And the previous two times freaked me out. Decidedly. This time though, it was quite nice. More than nice. It was whatever’s the opposite of freaked out.

She hates, hates, hates, that I referred to myself as a womanizer but I told her that it was what I was and not what I am. Just cause she asked, though, I’m going to try and stop using the term completely. Before I do, however, gotta mention that Rain had two of his students interview me recently as a “pick-up artist” – which I never was.

Her: What’s the difference?
Me: A pickup artist is talented at the pickup. A specialist if you will. I’m only ok at it. But I’m good at people. And I choose to concentrate on women. Hence, womanizer.

As an aside, both interviewers told me that they expected someone completely different. I like to keep people on their toes.

In other news, PCD and I chatted online recently. She too said it’s ok for me to write of her again.

Me: So, what’s new on the dating front?
Her: I went out with three boys and have seven more. I can’t handle any more traffic. A friend and I want to start a blog on dating – now that you’re boring. I just need a fake name.
Me: Hey! (pause) What about PCD?
Her: That’s a dumb name.

Went home to find a jar for the dragonfly cause I didn’t want it to die in the cold. When I got back it was gone.

Things’re always made of sterner stuff than you expect, yeah?

Location: 20:02 yest, explaining the difference on 72nd & Amsterdam
Mood: happy
Music: red letter year they didn’t mention how much shit was gonna change

Categories
dating personal

Accepting it

 

Grey: I’m back in town next month. Do you miss me yet?
Me: Of course. But about that…

—-

Me: I wanted to tell you that I had that talk with the other girl and we decided to give it a try.
Blue: OK, thanks for letting me know. (pause) I’m surprisingly OK.
Me: I knew you would be.

—-

Me: So I’m not going to be seeing anyone else, right?
Green: (irritated) Why do you always put it like that: “I’m not going to be seeing anyone else.” You’re fine if I see other people?
Me: (laughing) OK, you’re right. We’re not going to be seeing anyone else, right? We’re actually dating each other and no one else.
Her: (pause) Yes. We’re not going to be seeing anyone else.
Me: OK, Heartgirl. I can do that.
Her: You’ve finally accepted that I’m your SING, huh?
Me: (nodding) Yes.

—-

Me: I can’t do you that favour, brother.
Him: Fine, be an idiot. By the way, stop calling me the Devil.
Me: Ah, you found the blog. Sorry about that. But you know why we call you that.

Location: 20:30 yest, walking home alone
Mood: thoughtful
Music: People stop and stare. They don’t bother me

Categories
dating personal

We make rules for a reason

I’m always alright

Me: Is it that you don’t want a relationship or you don’t want a relationship with me?
Her: (pause) Couldn’t take another failed relationship, Logan. I can’t. (looking at me) Are you alright?

My fishes keep committing suicide. They jump outta the tank and flop around my floor. They did it tonight when someone was over and she screamed. Dammit, I’m down to one George.

Met up with some blue eyes on Friday to a downtown rooftop where I took a picture of the pier above.

Met up with some green eyes on Saturday where I went to the pier above and took the picture below of the rooftop I was on Friday. My life goes in these funny circles.

PCD made me laugh recently. She kept her promise to stick around. Heartgirl told me that we’re not dating cause we’re beyond that. So I told her she should wind up and swing. She said she couldn’t. Said I understood – but only cause I didn’t wanna know. Trust me when I tell you, you never wanna know why.

Have a secret I’ll tell you someday. But not now. For now, I repeat that my life goes in circles. Said it before, you keep doing what you do, you keep getting what you get. Keep getting what I get cause I keep breaking my rules.

You know why you have rules? You have rules so you don’t have to think. The decision was made a long time ago when someone, hopefully you, were thinking clearly. I’m always tired – never think clearly anymore.

I just keep screwing things up cause I keep breaking my rules.

The girl that screamed went to church with me tonight and walked me home. Just before George jumped outta the tank, she also asked me if I was alright. So I turned to her and put on my best face.

Me: I’m always alright.

 

Sometimes if you put something into the aether, it becomes true and it’s a good thing. I am alright. Just gotta follow my rules. I’m always alright. George on the other hand…

Location: home
Mood: awake
Music: Don’t wanna leave you but I can’t stay anymore.

Categories
dating personal

It’s Gestalt

 

Had this brilliant plan about a year ago, which was to only date people in my area. For those of you new to dating: terrible idea. Cause you keep running into them. After one of several such run-ins, one girl said after a long silence, Yeah…it’s not awkward hanging out with you.

Course, some run-ins are very nice. Remember the curly-haired girl? She dropped me a very personal email of condolence regarding my grandmother. Had to stop reading it halfway cause it was so honest. She was always very sweet. Also, a beautiful girl I’ve not seen in a decade sent me the following: Don’t know why, but I’m not worried about you at all. I know very little about you but I know you’ll make it again.

It’s the random bits of kindness that help us through.

Speaking of which, yesterday, PCD and I took a walk around town after work. The weather was just perfect. Today, spent the day in a lawyer’s office for some litigation I’m a part of. Always impressive to see people that are good at their craft at work.

As I write this a friend just dumped his bad day on me. Man! That’s like the opposite of a random bit of kindness – it’s a random bit of here’s my crap, you deal with it. Don’t want someone else’s bad day – got enough of my own, dontcha think? Luckily, got my good moments too:

PCD: You just like her (Laura Wilkinson) because she’s old like you.
Me: OUCH!
Her: I’m kidding…
Me: Good.
Her: Yeah, you’re a lot older than her. (later) Hey, make a face like the monkey in the video.
Me: Why would I do that?
Her: Because you’re cute and monkeys are cute – it’s gestalt!

Thought it was a tautology but I think I’m wrong. Eh, it happens. Either way, smart girls’re hot.

Speaking of which…Heartgirl’s back tomorrow.

Location: 20:00 yest, Sido in the UWS
Mood: ticked-off
Music: hear the clock tick and think of you

Categories
dating personal

Waiting for the Right Scene / Hardest way to Travel

 

 

PCD: (turning to me) That’s not true, I haven’t kissed anyone else in a long time.
Me: Really? How long?
Her: A whole week.
Me: (quizzical look)
Her: (turning back to TV) When you stop kissing other people so will I.

My friend Joanne said once that dating past your 30s is like that board game Scene It. In the first part of the game, if you get something wrong, there’s no penalty. In the second part, you’re penalized for each wrong answer. She said that dating up to 30 is like the first part and dating past your 30s is like the second part.

Spoke to Heartgirl recently. Like HEI, she’s become what I’d consider a close friend. Well, as close a friend as I guy like me has. She thinks I’m going about this wrong, the random dating and whatnot. But I’ve done the serial monogamy thing for 16 years. It doesn’t work for me.

Without a hint of arrogance, I believe that whomever ends up with me is a lucky girlie. Cause I’m whip-smart. Given lead time to prep and the right jeans, I’m easy on the eyes. Have fairly good manners. Can cook.

Most of all, though, I’m loyal. For that girl, I can say, I’m yours. I’ve gotten it outta my system. 130+ dates later, I’m good to go. I choose you.

And yeah, I’m old, weird, clumsy, nerdy, insominatic – the list goes on. No lie, whenever there’s money left over for rum after a mortgage payment, it’s like Christmas morning.

But I know what I bring to the table. SX once asked me what entertainment I’d provide and responded, “I am the entertainment.”

One should know one’s value. Cause if your cup of self worth is only half full, why would anyone else see any more than that, y’know?

In other news, the woman I love the most in the world is on a plane to bury the woman she loves most in the world.

There’s no harder way to travel than with a broken heart. It takes 22 hours to get from here to there. That’s a long time to spend with your thoughts. If I could take that cross from her, I would.

 

Location: in front of a glass of rum
Mood: sigh
Music: Got no place to go but there’s a girl waiting for me

Categories
dating personal

All good things come to an end

 

Him: What’s the point of dating her if it’s not going anywhere?
Me: All relationships end. Some just end sooner than others.

Anthropologist Ernest Becker once said that Everything that man does in his symbolic world is an attempt to deny and overcome his grotesque fate.

All relationships end. And all relationships that matter end in tears. It’s just the way it goes. There’s nothing you adore now, that you can hold now, that you won’t lose at some point down the line. Either because it goes – or you go. It’s all ashes and dust and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

And it doesn’t matter how you go, yeah? Someone’ll wish you didn’t.

Writers try and cheat the end we know is coming. It’s our sad way of staying longer than we should. Because I’ve tricked you, you see. I’ve made you think of me.

My grandmother passed away. I’m heartbroken.

Please don’t say, I’m sorry. Tell me something funny or interesting. Cause I gotta go home and dunno what to say to my mom.

I’m a crap writer. I’ve run outta words.

Location: my office
Mood: heartbroken
Music: the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day til the feeling went away