Location: 21:00, leaving church because
Mood: confused
Music: baby, i got kid gloves, baby, i got heart
Was a foot away from them in one of their last concerts. Shame they broke up, they were awesome.
Speaking of awesome, met someone in church recently but, as I said before, anywhere but church.
Speaking of anywhere, had another random weekend but I suppose that’s for another time.
Speaking of time, this’ll be my first St. Val’s solo since I was 16.
Speaking of St. Val’s…
?
When my four-year relationship finally disintegrated, my sister came to see me. I hadn’t slept in days. She brought food and told me to go to bed, then sat quietly in my living room and read. I slept for hours. When I woke up, she was still there.
Over Xmas, I wasn’t sleeping causa the work drama. But my brother came to visit. I remember laying down on the floor where he was working and passing out. It was the first poison-free sleep I had in two months.
I suppose you’re all sick and tired hearing about Heath Ledger. I liked his films, but that’s about it. He might have been a prince or a scumbag, I dunno.
But I had myself a little freakout when I read about how he died. Cause he’s the same type of insomniac as me; his mind was “always racing,” he said and “pills failed to work.” That’s me.
Good god, it’s wretched misery.
There’s this line that goes, Everyone dies alone. But that’s just horses___. Most people don’t die alone. But what a way to go if you do. Poor bastard.
Sorry, I’m sick and moody. On a happy note, it was Chinese New Year yesterday (xin nian quai le!). I took the day off, saw the family and ate my weight in dumplings.
On an even happier note, it’s the weekend.
Location: in my apartment, cleaning
Mood: cloudy
Music: oh, how I need Someone to watch over me
Location: 19:45 yest, picking up my car at Bill’s Auto
Mood: flattered
Music: why did you leave me here alone? Wait…
I spent the day working and daydreaming of a girl who exists, but probably doesn’t remember that I do. It’s ok, because the version of her that I daydream about only exists in my head.
I’m sure that doesn’t make much sense to you, but it does to me.
With nods to Jaerik and my friend who cares way too much.
I figure at least 20 people hate me in this world. One of them is this old hippie that yelled at me in Cooper Union while stumbling home for having my feet up on a public seat. My feet, I said, with a wink and a smile, are probably cleaner than most people’s butts.
Ass___, she said. To which I shrugged and said, That’s merely your opinion. And why should your opinion matter to me? You didn’t even say hello.
Considering that there are 6,641,114,623 people in the world, the fact that 20 hate me, that’s pretty good. In fact, I don’t have a calculator that can compute such a tiny figure. Try it.
Whatever someone thinks of me is just their opinion. Someone’s else’s opinion should not control your life – it’s a sucker’s bet.
Frankly, it’s none of my business what people think of me. It’s none of your business either.
On a grand scale, wars are fought over opinions. People fly planes into buildings because they have an opinion. Men become stalkers because they have an opinion. Little girls commit suicide because of people’s opinions.
On a more personal scale, you’ll drive yourself starkers caring what people think of you. I wasted my youth and my 20s tilting at those windmills. In this world, you can only ever change things about yourself.
The rest is just heartache or paper cuts.
In other news, I’m sick again. I’m always getting sick. Dammit.
Location: 5:30 yest, going to bed
Mood: sick again
Music: Love me or hate me, it’s still an obsession
As I said, it didn’t work out with me and Fiona. I need a camera with anti-shake – you know why. So, above is my new camera – Syd (after Sydney Wayser).
———-
Roomie
Her: That’s cheating.
Me: I don’t say I’m gay, they just ask and I politely decline to answer. Besides, how’s it cheating?
Her: It’s dishonest! You’re not gay and you should tell them right away.
Me: (rolling eyes) Please. Men don’t wear three-inch heels, makeup, or anything that starts with the words “push up.” What you see is what you get. I assure you, there’s been more than one time when I don’t even recognize the girl the next time around.
Her: (ignoring comment) So how to they find out you’re not?
Me: (laughing) That’s a whole different conversation.
Friend
Me: I have no idea why I keep meeting chicks that are so young.
Her: I think it’s how you dress.
Me: (puzzled) How I dress? How should I dress?
Her: Have you ever thought about shopping at the Gap?
Me: (pause) No.
Location: 9:40 yest, the Midtown Tunnel
Mood: possibly sick again
Music: no sympathy come around and I’m in between the layers
Basil King once said, Be bold – and mighty forces will come to your aid. I think this is true. Your friends, your family, yourself. It all comes together, somehow. Not perfectly, but it does.
It’s been 16 months since I became single. Seven months since the car accident. Three months since the theft. And I’m still here.
I drink a little more, I drive a little less and my clothes are exactly the same. But I’m still here.
Location: well, my mind’s elsewhere
Mood: hopeful
Music: I thought it out this very day. Noon upon the clock
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
I’m on the wrong side of 6AM when I stick my key in my door and turn to unlock it. I’m wondering what happened this weekend.
Half-an-hour earlier, I’m walking alone in the snow to the West Side Highway to catch a cab home.
An hour earlier, I’m in Guest House with Gio and Paul both gaming the same hottie. Drama. I’m too old for drama. As usual Gio floated us in and gets us a table with a bottle of vodka. Not my poison but it’s comped so I take it. I chat up a group of lovely Irish actresses and girl from Kentucky that’s a great dancer.
Two hours earlier, I’m in Sway being told by a girlie from Holland that I should meet her again in the hidden club at the Village. Nah.
Four hours earlier, I’m with “Clara” celebrating her birthday at Sugar. I tell her to text all my friends: Logan’s all up in my grill – where are you guys? thinking they’ll come save her. Nope.
Six hours earlier, I run into an old ghost from my club days. I tell him I’m a Christian and don’t run hustle or sweatboxes any more. I don’t think he believed me. He woulda never had believed I got grifted.
Seven hours earlier, I’m speaking crappy German and Chinese to Benlbr at The Back Room where John McEnroe slipped past me. Ben and I are on our own tight schedules but it’s good to meet up.
Eight hours earlier, I’m stepping into Bar 151 with Paul to see Kung, the Grey-Eyed Girl and Randi. Two girls smile at me but I demur to saying hello. I’m on a schedule.
I’m on the wrong side of 9PM when I stick my key in my door and turn to lock it. I’m wondering what’ll happen this weekend.
Location: two hours ago, having dinner on Columbus
Mood: restless
Music: Searching for something to say; Waiting for the break of day
I’m in Cornell right now; was working in the library until just before. Spent the day running about causa work.
Followed my GPS to get here so it took me on a road I never took before. I was disappointed because I didn’t see it rise up like it always does.
I ate in the food hall and felt very, very old. Then I took a long walk to the main campus. The campus was pretty much completely empty because it was late and hella cold. It was weird because I was always out by myself late at night because of the insomnia so, on the one hand, it looked like it always did to me; on the other – they built this monstrosity in the middle of my campus.
Guess, you can’t go home again. More to tell but I’m sorting.
I really I don’t think I’m seeing the green-eyed Italian lawyer until March and I completely randomly thought of the curly-haired girl today because she went to school near here. But I’m seeing L tonight for dinner if I can make it back in time. I’ve not seen her in months either.
My timing’s never right but the Venn Diagrams I draw make up for it somewhat.
Well, that’s weird, I thought as I peered into my aquarium, where’re all the fish? I looked closer and they were all floating. That’s not good. Interestingly, little bubbles were all over my plants – so many in fact, that one was freed from the gravel and floated up to the top.
Been busy and away a lot, but I had an electronic feeder so they should have been fine. Sighing, I grabbed the net and began to reach into the tank to fish soma the poor buggers out when: ZZZZAP!!!!
I got a nasty, nasty shock and jumped back. I thought, That can’t be. So I did what any red-blooded guy would do: I did it again
BAM! Another shock.
Dammit. The heater had fallen into the water and electrocuted all my fish.
Wish I could draw sometimes, because I think my life would make a good cartoon. (I actually did just that! I posted about my heater mishap on www.smartlyheated.com with a few illustrations.)
———-
Should be here until Friday for some work. I went to college there a long time ago. I’m looking forward to pigging out at the food hall – because, deep-down, I’m a fatty-fat-fat.
Location: 20:47 yest, exiting the subway
Mood: working
Music: oooh I really liked you, must have been your attitude
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
So I saw the green-eyed Italian attorney again this past weekend – three months after our first date. That’s how busy we’ve both been. Totally last minute. We met up at a Chelsea wine bar that had the best aged rum and even had a slice of orange. Although it wasn’t seven hours, we did spend a good amount of time together.
Her: You don’t have my email address? You could have just googled me.
Me: (pointing at self) Not a stalker.
The last time I saw her, she told me she loved Heroes and I ended up inhaling all the episodes last month in a bout of insomnia.
Her: I’d like to have the power of the Suggestion Girl
Me: Hmm, I’d like the power of Adam and the Cheerleader where they heal super-quick. You could live forever.
Her: But wouldn’t you be lonely?
Me: (thinking, then nodding)
I told her that 15 years ago, I graduated from college and that 15 years from now, I’ll be 50. Her eyes got so big that I laughed.
Guess I’ll see her again in March.
———-
Vince Lombardi once said, We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time. Given a long enough time-line, I think I can make it.
I’m hoping I’ll have enough time.
Location: 02:00 yest, hopping a train in Chelsea
Mood: mellow
Music: Whatever’s out there waiting for me I’m going to face it willingly
