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personal

Love as it comes

It’s good to have female friends

Man, I miss Firefly – obviously (C) someone else…

Her: How’ve you been?
Me: Insanely busy, Nadi. I hate it. How’s unemployment?
Her: Good. Weird.
Me: Well, now you can enjoy having a personal life again.
Her: Yeah. Lorelei said that she would introduce me to a nice girl Saturday.
Me: Wait, girl?
Her: Boy, girl, either one is fine with me. Just someone nice, kinda cool, good looking enough so I’m not repulsed. You know?
Me: (pause) I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m a little turned on right now.
Her: …
Me: What? I’m still a dude, this is how we think.
Her: Fine, just don’t put this in your stupid blog.

Location: @9PM yesterday, on 20th and 8th, feeling old
Mood: insanely busy still
Music: What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover
Categories
personal

Mr. Fix-it

It’s easier to start new things than try to replace old things

My tub faucet sprung a leak the other day so I decided it was time to fix it.

I’m always trying to fix things in my life.

My car, my finances, my computer, my body, my love life – the list goes on. I decided just the other day to repair my relationship with my lower abs. We’ve kept in touch but I’ve just not seen them in six months.

Spent almost all of last summer trying to fix my hellish relationship with my ex.

As an aside, it would have been nice if she told me that it was not only broken but that she had already given speaking lines to three other drivers (whom I don’t think have seen any of their abs in decades, one word: flexbelt; of course, it’s not just about looks, to their credit they’re also dull as rock soup).

Sorry, just snarky because I’ve got a drip that’s driving me mad.

Point is, fixing is different than building. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to build. This spring I’m building things with old friends and new.

But for now, oh man, where’s that #@$@#$ wrench?

Location: @2:30PM yesterday, on Broadwayasd downing a burger
Mood: insanely busy
Music: Sunlight on my face I wake up and yeah, I’m alive

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Categories
personal

Thinking Pink

Thought of my ex – which is rare now

I had a busy but good day yesterday. A friend of mine and I are arguing constantly but somehow we always manage to work things out, or at least push our mutual hatred below the surface where I’m sure it’ll explode someday in a newspaper-worthy fashion.

Thought about my ex recently because I got a package of stuff from her.

It’s funny, I never think of her any more.

I’m traveling again. I’ll be here today and then back home tonight. I used to go to cool places like Berlin, Macao and Beijing. Now, it’s…Lockport, NY. Eh, it pays the bills. Plus it’s nice to be elsewhere.

Finally, someone asked me how I was so I’m putting up this pic of me. I think I’m gaining weight. It’s because I’m in a good mood.

I know you’ll wonder, so the answer is because I’m secure in my manhood. Plus, it’s all Blue Jean Eyes has that I can wear when I stop by the few times I see her.

They’re comfy.

Location: Queens, getting ready to go to the airport
Mood: hopeful
Music: Someday all this mess will make me laugh, I can’t wait

Categories
personal

Cops and Robbers

Numbers sanctify

Cops are getting killed, left and right in my fine city. Crime is up.

I have a theory. Back when Giuliani was mayor, you got busted for littering or jaywalking. People had to respect the law. Now, with scores of people dying from bombs each day, and the public pretty much immune to it, it’s hard to take things like littering seriously.

The price of a life currently less than $20 here in the big city.

Wars, conflict, it’s all business. One murder makes a villain. Millions a hero. Numbers sanctify.
-Charlie Chaplin

Things never change.

Location: @1AM, East side, getting a call
Mood: tired
Music: my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray

Categories
personal

Still walking

What does that say about me?

Spoke to L the other night and she said something that made me pause.

I’m always the fling, never the girlfriend.

Her comment was a general comment, not directed at me, but it reminded me about things from both my long and recent pasts that were directed at me.

About eight years ago, I briefly dated this beautiful and wealthy trust fund baby. One day she said, “Guys always treat me like the side dish. I want to be the main course. You’re not going to do that to me, are you?”

For reasons that still escape me now, I told her I didn’t know. After some crying and choice words from her, I found myself taking a 2AM walk home. Not the first, not the last.

Also saw Blue Jean Eyes again recently. She and I both want something, I suppose, and we get along so well but…

Don’t you find that the most hateful words come after the word but?

For the last four women that loved me before Blue Jean Eyes, my but was my insomnia – and the subsequent irritability, moodiness, arguing and general insanity.

For both Blue Jean Eyes and me it’s the choices we’ve made in life but Blue Jean Eyes’s also concerned by the choices I might make in life.

Returning to L and her comment, L asked, “What does that say about me?”

Once again, I didn’t know and once again, I thought about it on a 2AM walk home.

What does that say about me?

Location: @9:42PM, Times Square
Mood: thoughtful
Music: I should know better, your dreams are never free

Categories
personal

Morning Glory

So, what’s your story, morning glory; what makes you look so blue?

The beauty of never having drunk seriously since high school is that I’ve managed to (I think) look better than my age and have not a gut.

The flip side of it is that I’m meeting up with inebriated Logan again for the first time since 1995.

And he’s got stuff to say.

I’m already fairly friendly and outgoing when I’m sober. Drunk, I’m your best friend.

So, what’s your story, morning glory; what makes you look so blue?

Location: @3AM, sloshing home
Mood: mellow
Music: I’ll take myself to an east coast city and walk about

Categories
personal

Depression

Richard Jeni shot and killed himself

Richard Jeni shot and killed himself this week. The news upset me. I liked him. He was good at what he did. He made people laugh. He made me laugh.

Cause: depression.

Depression is horribly, ridiculously misunderstood. I hate how it’s something talked about in hushed tones, an embarrassment. No one sees cancer as an embarrassment but the end results of both, untreated, is the same. Someone ends up dead.

Nobody (in their right mind) refuses chemo because they worry how the family might look with a bald wife/son/father/daughter. When you catch a cold, no one thinks you’re brave if you refuse medication or help.

You’re just an idiot.

Read something once where they interviewed the people that jumped off bridges and survived. They pretty much universally said that, on the way down, they thought, “Oh man, I can change everything about my life…except this thing I’m doing now.”

I heard on the drive home last night that Brad Delp from Boston killed himself too.

What a waste. A colossal, avoidable, waste.

Postsecret
The Overnight

Location: @9 PM yesterday, getting kicked out
Mood: angry
Music: spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide

Categories
personal

The other side

Suppose we all want to get to the other side of something

(c) Someone else

My ex-girlfriend from Europe dropped me a line yesterday. It was good to hear from her. As always she said little except that she’s doing well, seeing someone, and happy. I’m glad.

It would be nice to hear how the other is doing occasionally, as there was a time when we were very close.

True. It was a lifetime ago – before planes hit buildings in my fine city and burned them to the #$@#$ ground.

Remember driving to this drawbridge in her tiny town outside Denmark and waiting for the bridge to come down so we could get to the other side. I liked being there; actually, I like being elsewhere, which is quite different from being somewhere.

On that note, I just bought tickets for the left coast. SFO.

I’ll need a place to crash for a weekend so if anyone has a spare couch in May, I’m there. I’d cook dinner in exchange for some hospitality. If you’re a pescatarian, I’ll buy/make some mac & cheese.

It’ll be good to see the California sun again; I missed her, though I’m sure she didn’t notice I was gone.

Me? Oh, I’m OK, thanks.

I’m just waiting to get to the other side.
Location: in front of the computer all #@$&*^@! day
Mood: drained
Music: Let’s get out of this country I have been so unhappy

Categories
personal

25 things you may not know about me

What are things people don’t know about you?

I:

  1. type 75 words a minute but have a hard time spelling.
  2. have a happy face in my eye at the main picture up there on the upper left-hand corner – take a look.
  3. cannot play any team sports and have never watched a superbowl game but know an esoteric fencing system.
  4. have never cheated on anyone.
  5. wake up and do 50 push-up and 100 crunches because I can’t afford a gym.
  6. like Jaerik, must climb stairs two at a time – yes, I look like an idiot but that’s not for you to judge. I usually bound up them unless there are lots of people or am beat.
  7. hate the summer and heat.
  8. can do a side split without warming up (don’t ask).
  9. can outeat most people. I can also eat burgers, pizza and gyros every day for a month and still want more. I will not put ketchup on my burger.
  10. have had serious relationships with two people that appeared on a Rachel Ray show and a Fox News show.
  11. always send out those freebie sweepstakes they mail you because I once won $1000 on iwon.com and $800 on Cash Cab.
  12. can’t drive stick-shift, something that drove my German ex-girlfriend crazy.
  13. rarely curse, only started drinking less than eight months ago and have never done drugs.
  14. lived for two years in a room hidden behind a bookcase off Times Square.
  15. miss my dog and wish I were nicer to him.
  16. call my brother almost every day and see the rest of my family once a week.
  17. read 850 words a minute with 50% comprehension and 650 WAM with full comp. I read somewhere in between
  18. never bought a textbook in college after freshman year because I couldn’t afford them. I took good notes and dated the TAs when necessary. I’m not proud.
  19. avoid juice and cereal even though I love them both.
  20. once turned really quickly on a flight of stairs and slammed my face into Tyra Bank’s boobs.
  21. would give up 40 points of IQ to be able to sleep like my last two girlfriends.
  22. am afraid of dying without making up for all the bad things I’ve done.
  23. was going to be a pastor but decided I would be a bad role model.
  24. am extremely clumsy. When I met an ex’s family, I spilled my drink on her grandmother. I’ve also had surgery on my face because I fell down a flight of stairs and the left side of my face was crushed in.
  25. am a hopeless romantic and wished my love life worked out like in the movies.

Ok…you probably guessed the last one.

Location: @1:30AM, on the N with L and a new girl.
Mood: tired
Music: with a sunny smile and a witty eye and you may find a smiling guy

Categories
dating personal

50/50

You think your dating life is bad?

Had a late dinner and a bit to drink with Hazel and Locationgirl.

Probably have a 50/50 ratio of male/female friends. For me, there’s a clear line of demarcation between friends and lovers, potential or otherwise (of course that’s exactly what my ex said to me and that turned out to be total crap).

Still, it’s great being able to have feminine sounding boards. Consider the recent conversation between Casey and myself:

Her: You think your dating life is bad? On date three, a guy asked me to show up wearing a Halloween costume.
Me: No way! What’d you say?
Her: I said “F___ no!”
Me: Nice. Strong work there, Case.
Her: Yeah, and then just the other day he contacted me to ask if I had a Maid’s…
Me: (interrupting) Wait, you answered?
Her: (pause) Yea, I guess I shouldn’t have.

I’ve said it before, relationships are hard. You do what you can, when you can.

For me, life is…confusing. At least I’m not the only one who’s confused.

Location: @10PM, in front of pitcher three
Mood: drunk
Music: another chance and a someday soon, Shining like the Alabama moon