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personal

It’s personal

It’s just business was supposed to mean exactly the opposite of what it means

A metro station in Washington DC

 

Me: Man, it’s like 2Pac said, That’s just the way it is.
Heartgirl: But Logan, in the original song, he says, But don’t you believe them.

Told Koreanjohnny to read The Godfather cause he’s young enough and old enough to appreciate it. Read the book before I saw the movie so I looked at it differently.

While I loved the movie, Coppola made two changes to the story that always bothered me. The first one is that line everyone tells you right before they screw you at work or business or something: “It’s not personal, it’s business.”

But the truth of the line never made it to the movie; it happens in a conversation between Mike and his brother, Tom, who says that Mike’s taking it all too personally:

Tom, don’t let anybody kid you. It’s all personal, every bit of business. Every piece of s__t every man has to eat every day of his life is personal. They call it business. OK. But it’s personal as hell. You know where I learned that from? The Don. My old man. The Godfather. If a bolt of lightning hit a friend of his the old man would take it personal. He took my going into the Marines personal. That’s what makes him great. The Great Don. He takes everything personal Like God. He knows every feather that falls from the tail of a sparrow or however the hell it goes? Right? And you know something? Accidents don’t happen to people who take accidents as a personal insult.

Just over a year ago, I told you that we live in a Cliff’s Notes society – where we think we know something, but we don’t know the whole thing.

People always make excuses for screwing others over. But I like that last line: Accidents don’t happen to people who take accidents as a personal insult.

If they tell you otherwise, don’t you believe them, don’t let’s anybody kid you.

Man, it’s always personal to someone. That’s the truth of it.

Me: You’re right. I forgot.

Location: a large blue bed
Mood: awake
Music: Belief Makes things true Things like you

Categories
personal

Snowed in

Location: trapped in my pad
Mood: pensive
Music: something to keep the chill From freezing our own free will

A metro station in Washington DC

Gio had his annual birthday party this past weekend. His buddy, Ron, rented out this entire club in Times Square with a top-shelf open bar and scantily clad dancers. Wish I brought my camera. Heartgirl met some old friends of mine and brought some of her own.

Two fellas were hitting on her so I took the time to sneak away and stuff my face and watch them try. Ended up talking to an old friend who’s taking a break from her boyfriend because after eight years, she’s still not a Mrs. but rather a Ms. She’s probably one of my most attractive and sweetest friends.

Her: Man, Logan. Only you can go to a party and bring a girl down.
Me: Don’t mean to. Just think you deserve better. Cause y’do. S’long time to wait for a day that might never come.

Heartgirl recently saw the Sex in the City film. One of the characters is stood up at her wedding. It’s funny – I always wondered who’d try to marry someone that might bail. Figured that it’s something one would know beforehand, right?

Gave her a hug as Heartgirl sat down next to me and patted my hand.

I then drank enough rum to kill an elephant and stumbled home at 3, I think. But, as always, woke up without a hangover. Rum’s the best.

Was trapped in my apartment into Monday due to the snowstorm.

Me: It’s Monday. It’s my workout day.
Her: What does that mean?
Me: It means that I put on an electric blue spandex outfit with matching legwarmers and crank up Olivia Newton-John’s (Let’s Get) Physical. I think our relationship’s strong enough to handle it.
Her: Logan, no relationship is that strong.

An eyelash was on my face so she told me to blow it off her finger and make a wish, so I did.

YASYCTAI: Maybe it’s time to learn to cook something new. Try salmon. (60 mins/1 pt)

Categories
personal

Down from your fences

Location: 19:14 yest, 462 Amsterdam Ave
Mood: pensive
Music: ain’t gettin no younger Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin you

A metro station in Washington DC

Heartgirl
: (bursts out laughing) Those old ladies back there said, There’s a sexy Asian guy!
Me: I am! (turning to her) Kidding – it’s only cause I’ve got such a lovely accessory…
Her: (beams)
Me: …my cool leather jacket.
Her: (laughs again) Yes, you’re really popular with the cougars.
Don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without a single client calling me. Man, it’s like death out there. Gotta tap into my last little bit of emergency coin but suppose this is emergency time.

Been keeping busy trying to get some some things settled, though. The thesis, paperwork, continuing education. Lotsa stuff. Personal stuff too – saw my cousins last night. We never hang out. No reason, just don’t. People think I eat a lot. These guys, these guys can pound. And they’re all normal looking.

Talked about our grandmother. They said, without trying to make me feel bad, that I should have seen her. Least said goodbye. Told them I couldn’t. They said my mom sat all by her lonesome at the funeral.

Somehow, knew that without them telling me that. Guess cause I do that too, sometimes.

Told them that I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30. And I’m still waiting for my real life to begin.

Man, how silly’s that?

YASYCTAI: See someone for dinner that you’ve been meaning to. (90 mins/2 pts)

Categories
personal

Susie Brown’s between awake & dreams

Names
Been thinking about names again. Y’ever notice that Susie Derkins‘ the only character in Calvin and Hobbes that has both a first name and a last name? Or that Charlie Brown’s always referred to by his full name?

Guess it’s cause, even if they didn’t think so, they were somebody to someone. The things you think about when you can’t sleep…


Met Heartgirl’s parents. Good people. And, unlike my my usual modus operandi, I neither broke anything nor fell down any stairs (see my 25 things from two years ago). Actually, that’s not true, I did actually stumble a bit down the stairs but no one heard or saw, so don’t think that counts.

Her: Do you want fruit, pie, or coffee?
Me: Yes, please.

Stairs – my mortal enemy. Sleep – my elusive drug.


The insomnia’s back. Been lying on my bed in that haze between awake and dreams.

Imagined I was chewing gum and it turned out to be an earplug. Imagined if I choked and died? How embarrassing – hope that someone’d cover for me.

Used to wonder if I were a main character or a bit-player.

Suppose we’re all a main character to someone. Man, despite the lack of sleep, starting to believe that it might almost matter.

Location: a brown leather sofa
Mood: beat
Music: So many dreams swinging out of the blue (Spotify)

Categories
personal

Darned

I don’t have bad luck, just strange luck

New York Skyline

Was shopping recently with a friend when I got a surprise coupon – youdidn’t know how much off you got until you got up to the register. Between 5 and 50%. Just gave it to my friend since I’m sans scratch.

Her: Because I could only use one, I thought about your luck. With your luck, your coupon probably was really valuable since you gave away.
Me: And?
Her: 40% off – the guy at the counter hadn’t seen one before.
Me: (sighing) Of course not.

And my building was recently jacked. Not my pad, which is good, however, as condo president and onea the guys that runs the place, I’m out more coin than the guy that got robbed.

And I got hit with a yet another court hearing. Plus a bevy of other things you wouldn’t believe if I told you.

On the plus side, I’ve been working on this thesis thingy for the past 24 months – almost to the day. Finally figured out this problem that was bugging me for five months. Turned out to be a formatting error. A stupid formatting error. Wanted to both hit something and jump for joy when I found it.

I got the kinda luck where I spend a dollar to win a dollar.

Some people’re damned. Me? I swear I’m darned.

Location: 13:10 yest, getting choked on 28th
Mood: disappointed
Music: been wondering why It’s only me

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Categories
dating personal

Mii

Location: 11:06 yest, H&H; Bagels
Mood: really busy
Music: You can never get enough Enough of this stuff

NYC cityscape from the Hearst Building

Had a nice St. Valentine’s day with a quiet dinner. And Heartgirl demolishing me in Big Brain Academy.

Mii

———-

A neighbor’s bumped into me and several women I’ve dated. It’s a running joke between us. Ran into her again over the weekend and I told her about Heartgirl.

Her: Four months? That’s a record for you!
Me: (laughing) I suppose. I guess I’m just too old for it now.

S’funny cause all of my college friends knew me as the serial monogamist. Friday, saw an old buddy that only knew me as the computer guy with all the suits yet another friend says he’s never seen me in anything but tee-shirts and jeans.

A guy I tangled with was surprised I had a college degree. A girl I tangoed with was surprised I had my quiet nights.

S’funny what people think we are and what we think we are. Me? I think I’m just a recovering dork that doesn’t mind so much any more – see below for proof.

BTW, since I’m not dating wildly any more, read my friend Trix’s blog for a woman’s perspective in NYC dating: Friday I’m in Love.

Trix: [Dating] hasn’t been as fun lately. I just got tired of it.
Me: It does get tiring – all the hellos and goodbyes

Her: …and the crazy.

Mii

YASYCTAI: What do you think you look like? (1 min /1 pt)

Categories
dating personal

Flinching

Location: 13:00 yest, midtown having lunch w/my favorite person
Mood: anxious
Music: me ready for dem but dem no ready for me

NY Submission Shootout!

Him
: I’ve got a lotta anxiety.

Me: You know what anxiety is? It’s the fear of the hypothetical. And the opposite of fear isn’t bravery – it’s preparedness.

Buddy of mine recently got his relationship walking papers – he was anxious about getting dumped and then anxious about dating again. Get dumped once or twice, it rocks you. Get and give walking papers a dozen times a month, doesn’t matter as much. Ask for a number twice a year and there’s an anxiety attached to it. Ask for a number four days a week, for a year, and it becomes a whole lotta nuthin.

Well, nuthin and a stack of paper scraps with funny little drawings on them.

You’ve seen street beef before, right? Two guys all up in each other’s grill? Lots of show and puffery. But the guys that truly know how to tangle don’t do that. They either walk away or shrug and swing.

The closest I got to street beef recently was maybe five years ago? I said, OK, let’s go. Then he flinched. Wimp. So I rolled my eyes and rolled home. Not that I can actually fight, mind you.

This past weekend
, was with some of the best submission guys in the city. Yeah, there were some meatheads but these guys were mostly pretty polite. When you got a room fulla well-trained brawlers, you sorta gotta be polite. Saw this one kid just a few pounds heavier than me just demolished a guy that outweighed him by 60 pounds and a foot of height. So impressed.

These guys’re prepared.

I’ve not been sleeping well again. Guess I got my own fear of the hypothetical. Was prepared for slowdowns; up until I got jacked. So I’ve been sending out the resume and calling up old contacts to prepare all over again.

Man, isn’t it always the punch you don’t see coming that gets you?

YASYCTAI: You should start preparing for the things you know’re coming. (time/1 pt)

Categories
personal

What to do?

Location: 18:00 yest, getting my hair cut
Mood: anxious
Music: I could have been a sailor, could have been a cook

A metro station in Washington DC

Her
: Sorry, I just started taking piano lessons, so I have to play these scales.
Me: (laughing) S’your house…

At the rents. Mom’s 60-something and learning to play the piano. My older brother just picked up the drums and base – he already plays the piano and guitar. We’re all geeky.

Music? Got a tin ear. But, been thinking of learning another language and/or study for the Zertifikat Deutsch exams. I should work on my Chinese but, let’s be honest: (a) my Chinese sucks and (b) it’d take a long time to learn to be literate. Think I could teach myself French in about a year and I could probably pass the German exams in about six-eight months. For some reason my tongue works well in German. Chinese and French? Not so much.

But, I’ve still gotta finish that damn thesis and also get my manuscript published. Plus I wanna wrestle again. It’s strange; sleeping better than I have in years but doing half the things.

The grass is always greener / das Gras ist immer grüner / 老婆是别人的靓; lǎo pó shì bié rén de liàng.

Yes, I had to look up the Chinese – see comment (a), supra.

Damn stupid grass.

———-

Me: I’m not cold.
Her: Use this blanket.
Me: I’m not cold!
Her: (puts blanket on me) Use it!
Me: Mom, I’m not cold, I’m 36 this year, and I’m trying to balance spreadsheets for my 2008 business tax returns – do you mind?
Her: (sniffs) Whatever! I’m going to sleep.

Me: (ten minutes later – thinking) This is an awfully nice blanket…

———-

If you roll, swing on by. I’m not good enough to compete – yet another thing I should be working on – but I’m gonna be there to help set up: http://www.nycsubshootout.com.

A metro station in Washington DC


YASYCTAI: Learn a language. Proficiency is 3,000 words. You can do that. (12 months/5 pts)

Categories
personal

My Paradigm

 

A view of the 34th Street/Penn Subway Station
Me: Maybe I should get a real job. Grow up.
Rain: A 9-to-5? Man, that kinda stuff kills people like us. We’re not cut out for that.

Made a decision about 15 years ago; wanted to live like I was in college for as long as possible, meaning: wake up when I want, eat when I want, travel when I want, work when I had to.

So what, in essence, does a college student do?

Day 1: Student arrives and meets Teacher.

Days 2-119: Student accumulates and (hopefully) processes data. Student can:

  • Go to 1% of the classes.
  • Go to 74% of the classes.
  • Go to 100% of the classes.
  • Learn it on his own.
  • Any variation or combination of the above.

Whatever path he chooses is irrelevant. Days 1-119 do not count. Only Day 120 counts. Note: you will recall which path I chose. It’s why I was able to teach myself cooking, German, and all around geekiness. Self-education has it’s benefits. I digress.

Day 120: Student must distill all that data onto a piece of paper and use data to answer a question or set of questions. That paper can be:

  • Exam
  • Report
  • Painting
  • Whatever the teacher wants it to be.

In exchange for this piece of paper, the teacher hands back student a grade. The transaction’s complete.

Repeat as necessary.

That’s what I do. Cept insteada a student, it’s me; insteada a teacher, it’s a client, insteada a grade, it’s a check. A pretty pink, blue, green, or grey check.

I’m given or acquire data; I process said data; I distill said data to a piece of paper by answering a question or set of questions; I hand that paper to the client; the client hands me a check. A pretty pink, blue, green, or grey check.

Repeat as necessary.

Made enough scratch to buy my pad, my whip and my toys. But that was then. I’m 36 in two months. It’s 2009 already. Maybe I should grow up already.

Her: Hi. How are you?
Me: I’m good. Just trying to find a job. I figure it’s about time I had a real job.
Her: Having a job will be fun. You will make friends (pause) and you can bring your lunch.

Location: in front of this damn computer all day
Mood: pensive
Music: what’s right wakes me through the night

Categories
personal

Wish I never was

Location: my pad
Mood: sotted
Music: wanna hear those sugar bells ring Wish me, love, a wishing well

NYC Times Square

Paul just left. We were in our fencing class and he stopped by for some rum. He just became friends with an ex of mine on Facebook; hadn’t thought about her in a while. Mainly cause I remember what a lout I was to her and what she did to get back at me. Probably deserved a lotta it, if not all.

My hands don’t shake as much these days. In fact, can’t remember when they last shook cause I get more sleep these days.

My sister came by the other night while I was making a ton of food (chili, of course) and slept right through the racket I was making. There’s this saying that a clear conscience’s the best pillow. It’s a silly thing to be jealous of but I am.

Do you think I write all of this cause I’m vain? Doesn’t really matter, I guess. But parta why I write is cause I’ve made made some dreadful mistakes and wouldn’t want anyone to repeat them.

Y’ever see Le Retour de Martin Guerre or Sommersby? It’s about a guy that’d rather be hung as a criminal than ever be the man he once was. It’s based on a true story. I get it.

Cause a sound night’s sleep’s the reward for good people that do good things. And people like me? Man, we just lie awake with our terrible things, wishing we did things differently.

Him: Nah. You can’t wish that.
Me: Why not? Never wanna be that guy again.
Him: Cause you woulda never been the guy you are now, if you weren’t the guy you once were.

YASYCTAI: You should say you’re sorry. If only for yourself. (10 mins/2 pts)