Tag: hope

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personal

What you’re lucky enough to get is never enough

No matter how much time you get, you always wish you had more

Pumkins in the Village, NYC

Him: Wait, how old are you?
Me: 38. Why, how old are you?
Him: 23.
Me: I think I hate you.

I own some Apple stock. And when I say “some” I mean a pittance. Like enough to buy a really good dinner at a five-star restaurant in the City.

Whenever my stocks go up, feel that greedy urge in me go: Man, I should have bought more. There’s always that feeling that what you’re lucky enough to get, is never enough.

Was wrestling the other day with some Asian guys. The thing with Asians is that it’s always hard to tell how old they are – even for ourselves. While we look young, though, it’s just the appearance. Time just keeps on going.

Which goes with my formula that Time¬=Money; Time>Money. And here the greed’s even greater cause no matter how much time y’get, you always wish you had more.

Read the eulogy that Steve Job’s sister wrote for him. It’s very moving – if y’get a chance today, you should read it. His last words I find especially profound in their honesty and simplicity.

I wonder, then, if there’s a time that we become ok with the amount of time we’re allotted.

Hope so. Not afraid to admit that it scares me. The not knowing.

November 2011, already. Where does the time go?

———-
And now for some levity – think the same is roughly true for Asian men:

How Asians age

Location: surrounded by blueprints and surveys
Mood: slightly anxious
Music: My scarecrow dreams When they smashed my heart into smithereens
YASYCTAI: Read that eulogy. (10 mins/0.5 pts)
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dating personal

How to get the person you want most of all

Downtown NYC

Don’t have any comment on the Casey Anthony trial. It shocks me a bit how nothing shocks me anymore. Although, it does provide the useful lesson that, if you’re gonna commit a heinous crime, try to be pretty(ish), young, and white. Or a celebrity. Pick one.

———-

This monk named Thomas Merton once said that, The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little. Think that’s totally true.

Got three friends, all of whom wanted to get good at dating. But they just stopped after a few months because they all just ended up with people that were good enough.

One of them told me that his girl didn’t want a guy that treats dating like an occupation. Which’s yet another onea those things that sounds good on a superficial level but doesn’t make any real sense.

I treated it like an occupation – more a hobby, really, but I’m going for parallelism here – started meeting people in September of 2006 and continued to be single until September of 2008. Two years and some 150+ dates later.

And it sucked. It makes you weary. And you have to be coldly dispassionate. The constant hellos and goodbyes.

But If it’s important, and valuable, it doesn’t come easy. Nuthin worth anything comes easy.

Early on, when I started dating, kept repeating favourite quote: With increased intelligence, comes increased capacity for pain. If you’re smart enough, you learn to push all that doubt to the side of your mouth. You get up, go out, and take your chances. S/he’s not going to just show up knocking. Most of all, you deal with the pain.

Bookmarks Lounge bar on top of the Library Hotel in Midtown NYC

Him: How do you know we’re gonna end badly?
Me: I don’t know. But I figure it will Cause I saw the first movie. In this sequel, all of the characters’re the same. You’re still you, she’s still her. Everything’s the same. Why would it be different this time around unless onea you were radically different? You were both single for just 35 days. How different could either of you be? You went back cause it hurt too much, and I understand that. But you deal with the pain to give her, and you, time to be different. 35 days’s not enough time. You should have waited and met more people.
Him: You met all those people, what’d that really get you?
Me: (shrugging) The girl I wanted most of all.

Location: desk, trying to not be insanely hot
Mood: insanely hot
Music: we brave bee stings and all And we don’t dive, we cannonball
YASYCTAI: Don’t make Casey Anthony a millionaire. Don’t buy her book, listen to her interviews, etc. Don’t reward evil. (20 years/0.5 pts)
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personal

Logan’s 38 / What you pay for being alright

Logan LoJust check’n if all my hair’s still there.

Joe: Did they hurt you in there, Mitchel?
Mitchel: Not so you’d notice.
Joe: They hurt me in there, Mitchel.
Mitchel: I know they did, Joe. It’s all right now. Here. (gives him money)
Joe: You don’t have to do that.
Mitchel: Yes, I do. It’s a tax you pay for being alright.

— London Boulevard (film)

You know you’re old when you fondly remeber being 30.

Started this blog five years ago because of my breakup. Then it somehow morphed into my admittedly peculiar dating life punctuated with some really cool highs and some awful, awful lows. Now I’m just a boring married guy.

But at some point in the future, there’ll be more really cool highs and some more awful lows. It’s all about waiting for the next high, I suppose.

I’ll take the awful lows, though – as best one can. And I’ll try to do my own little bit to contribute something to world. It’s all parta the same thing anyway.

Think the above quote’s spot on, paying back to the aether’s the tax you pay for being alright. Isn’t that what a tax is? It’s what you pay to be alright.

I’m alright right now, and feel the need to pay a little more this year. Duuno what that is but I’m looking.

Having said that, you know the drill. Wish me a happy birthday and say something, all of you bastards that read me but never say anything.

Location: home, listening to the rain outside
Mood: hopeful
Music: One girl, one boy, Some grief, some joy
YASYCTAI: Oh, you know… (60 mins/1 pt)
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personal

Our wedding day

Me: You ready?
Her: Yes.

The funny thing about picking a wedding date’s that you’re really picking an anniversary. We figured February’s always dreary so why not have a good reason to look forward to it?

———-

Last week, I took three last minute assignments for work. Combined, it was the equivalent of what I’d make in three weeks in three days so I couldn’t say no. Course, that meant that I was up until midnight each night working and then fighting the insomnia.

One client finished without a hitch on Tuesday but the second client needed the work product on Thursday morning so wrote it all up and packaged it for him to pick up in exchange for a check at 10:30AM.
We woke up on Thursday and while Heartgirl got ready, I finished up. The client pulled in front of my building and I hopped in.

Me: (handing him papers) Here you go. It should have everything you need.
Him: (pulling out check) Thanks for the quick turnaround on this Mr. Logan. You’re really getting married this week?
Me: Not this week. In 90 minutes.

Took his check, shook his hand, then popped out to zip back home to get ready – the great thing about being a fella’s that y’can get dressed to the nines in nine.

Her: Men. It’s not fair.

Just before I turned off the computer, shot a contract to the last client and him I’d be offline until the weekend.

Cabbie dropped us off at Worth and Centre where her sister was waiting for us. We went inside to speak to the guy at the desk; some lady was yelling him for some reason. After all the yelling, he turned to us, asked us for some id and our paperwork. After he checked it all, gave us a number, C930, and we took a seat.

45 minutes later we sat in the west room chapel and waited. We looked at the books from the 1940s where people signed their names. Everything’s all digital now. A smiling lady came in and told us to stand in front of the podium.

“Do you take this…”
“I do.”
“I do.”

Maybe 59 seconds later we were legal. We hopped a cab up to the London Hotel, which turns out not to be in London but rather in midtown, NY. Her sis took us out to eat and we ended up having a two hour lunch before she took off for home.

We then went upstairs to our suite where we did what all newlyweds have done for hundreds of years – we watched Robin Hood on Netflix. She passed out before it was over.

Met up with RE Mike that Friday night and checked out the space he rents. He and the restaurant owners brought us a coupla bottles of champagne. Told the owner that I’d return the favour with a bottle of good rum.

Spent the resta the weekends trying out the words “husband” and “wife.” Quite surreal, lemme tell ya.

Both sets of parents were thrilled – always a good sign.

Told her to tell her parents to rest easy cause I’d always take carea her and do mosta the cooking.

She is, after all, family. I’d keep her safe.

Location: in fronta stacks of paper
Mood: good
Music: There’s a hole in my pocket that’s about her size but I think everything’s gonna be alright
YASYCTAI: Spring cleaning soon. (120 mins/1 pt)
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personal

Logical issues in stories / writing

Graffiti Madonna in downtown NYC

Her: What’re you doing?
Me: Installing a HDMI splitter to power the 47 and 26″ monitors, upgrade the ram, and dupe the old harddrive to a two terabyte drive.
Her: Oh…well, I was just building a flux-capacitor in the bedroom so…

Well, writing this blog in the middle of the day doesn’t work and I’ve got a full Monday schedule for the foreseeable future so back to publishing in the AM.

Speakinga writing, been working on my manuscript like a madman; actually trying to submit it to a writing contest soon. Problem was that there were a buncha logical issues that had to be resolved, which is parta the reason it was put away for so long.

A logical issue’s when something in a story just doesn’t make sense and yanks the reader/viewer outta the story. For example, just saw The A-Team film the other day. Wasn’t expecting Shakespeare but there’s the one scene where (1) a tank falls outta a plane, (2) hits a body of water, (3) everyone insides survives, and (4) a few minutes later, they’re driving on dry land.

Assume, arguendo, that the first three are possible; the fact is that if a tank fell into a lake, it’d sink to the bottom, and it’s engine would fill with water. It’d be impossible for them to then drive the tank onto dry land.

This was such a glaring error that the rest of the story was unwatchable – even though I could suspend disbelief enough that a tank could fly (don’t bother asking), couldn’t do it once that happened.

Figured out how to kill a character last year; now I’ve gotta have another one leave the story without getting offed.

Think that’s why science fiction’s so alluring; y’can resolve a lotta these logical issues by just saying that’s what happens in that world.

Stupid crime fiction…

———-

Got a non-canonical entry tomorrow, see you then?

Location: Midnight, sitting in front of a keyboard
Mood: hopeful
Music: all winter we got carried away over on the rooftops
YASYCTAI: Take those chances. (1 minute/3 pts)
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personal

How to keep your 2011 resolutions

So how was your NYE? HG and I were feeling under the weather so we just stayed in and watched Inception. We’ve become a boring couple – which is a rather nice thing to be, actually. Did go out the night before to my friend Paolo’s for a pre-NYE party.l

A fella came up to me and said he read my blog. It was actually the high point of my night; it’s great when someone tells you that you did something that connected with them.

For this new year, made a list of goals rather than resolutions – after all, it’s important to have a target so you have something to aim for, yeah? I think how to keep these 2011 resolutions is to make them more specific and keep them manageable. And only have a handful.

Most times, just kept these goals to myself but when you put something out into the aether, it makes it more concrete. So here we go:

1. Finish manuscript within 60 days.
It’s been almost a decade since I started it so it’s about time; gonna slow down on other things to get this done. Inception blew me away with it’s complex storytelling. Gotta get in gear.

2. Practice German for 30 minutes a day, five days a week.
In the past decade my German has, if anything, gone down. Thought I’d be fluent by now.

3. Learn three new Chinese characters a week.
Ditto – can speak poor Chinese and German but am illiterate in both.

4. Wrestle three times a week.
Again, a decade’s gone by without much improvement.

5. Practice fencing 15 minutes a day
Think 15 minutes is manageable.

As for more general goals, plan to lose a little weight, invest more, actually have a wedding, and get more clients for the law firm. But the above are the big ticket items for me.

Just said that what we say of things in our heads make them real or not; might as well make them positive things. So, off to read some German for the next 30 mins while I get to work.

Also los!

Location: the beginning of 2011
Mood: ambitious
Music: there’s reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last
YASYCTAI: Make a list of manageable goals for 2011. (60 mins/2 pts)
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Categories
business personal

2011 – Who ready? I’m ready.

Two years ago, said that my feet were pointed home. It’s been quite a slog, what with the economy and all the drama the past several years.

Said it lotsa times that all of your troubles can be neatly packed into health, wealth, & relationships.

Lemme add to that with a quote from a clergyman named Edward Everett who said, “Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear three kinds – all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.” It’s hard, to be right here, right now.

Think for the past several years, been bearing all three types of all three times at once. Think I spent the last two years mentally unloading as much as possible to just concentrate on the troublesa right now – which, admittedly, isn’t much. This is a good thing.

There was this study called The Fox Farm Experiment where they found that if you stress dogs out about their survival they began to look more and more like wolves/foxes; and it happened hella fast.

Think that’s true for us too. When we bear all three types and of all three times at once, we turn greyer and more vicious. It’s just a survival thing, I think, and probably a necessary thing. But who wants to be greyer and vicious forever?

About two years ago, sat down and mapped out where I wanted to be – did it in this entry, even though there’s no explicit mention of it. See, y’can’t get to where you wanna be if y’don’t know where you’re going, yeah? Even through all the muck and mire, kept following that map and ended up starting the ascent earlier this year.

Just wanna keep on track for 2011.

To that end, spent the last few days refining my map for 2011 – suppose I’ll tell you about it soon enough. For now, lemme say, I’m excited for us.

It’s stupid, really – December 31st is an arbitrary day and essentially no different than any other. But we say it’s different, yeah? What we say of things in our heads make them real or not. Makes us wolves or men. So we say that 12/31’s when we reset and try something new, great or small.

Who ready? I’m ready. You ready?

Location: 2010
Mood: excited
Music: Came to party till I can’t no more Celebrate cuz that’s all I know
YASYCTAI: Make a new map (120 mins/3 pts)
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Categories
personal

Getting the annual physical

42nd Street and Fifth Avenue sign
Her: I found a coat I like!
Me: (laughing) Imagine, by this time next year, you’ll have both a new coat and a new husband.
Her: Yes. (pause) But I’ll have a new coat!

Went to the doc’s and got stuck with a lotta needles; funny thing was that another nurse stopped by the house earlier that day to draw some blood. Also got the flu shot too just for kicks. Don’t really have a problem with needles but the pinprick they gave me to run some tests “hurt like the dickens.”

Nurse: No one’s ever said that to me.
Me: (rubbing finger) Really? Cause it does…

Afterward, treated myself to a donut. Didn’t have whole wheat so just got a blueberry with a large cuppa coffee.

The doc’s not a fan of my continuing to do what I do, but he says that as long as I don’t actually compete – where someone is trying to do me grevious bodily harm – should be ok. He does want to me to get a buncha x-rays, which he says’s justa precaution.

Man, want another donut now…

Location: yest, opening up and saying “ahhhh” on Amsterdam
Mood: rushed
Music: was counting on you but now I know you’re just a first class fool
YASYCTAI: Time for that annual physical. (120 mins/1.5 pts)
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personal

Thanksgiving 2010

79th Street and Broadway, NYC

Me: 37. But in my head, I’m still 18.
Him: (laughing) We all are, Logan, we all are.

Hurt my neck wrestling the other day so I’ve been walking around with this ice pack around it. Man, after 35, nuthin heals the right way any more. Feel my age all of time now.

HG and I’ve been talking about my moving someday outta my pad. Moved lots in the last few years but it’s always been up or down in the same building. Been here for going on 12 years. A dozen years. Doesn’t seem possible and yet it is.

Once again, got nuthin better to say about the holiday than I said two years ago for Thanksgiving 2008.

Off to work and then to stuff my face like a fatty, fat, fat.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

Location: UES
Mood: in pain
Music: High time we made a stand & shook up the views of the common man
YASYCTAI: Make a stand, shake up the views of the common man. (10 mins/1 pt)
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business dating personal

Love is… or Why you should be dating online

Online dating versus offline or regular dating

Statue in Tribeca NYC

Went out the other night with my buddy to some local watering holes – the first time in a while. We’re having a mild disagreement about online dating.

The way I look at it, it’s like having a relative named, for example, Aunt eMatch that says, “I’ve got a girl I think you might like.” In fact, it’s better; it’s like Aunt eMatch saying, “I’ve got a girl I think you might like – and here’s her resume, a buncha pics, and a writing sample.”

My buddy says that interpersonal vetting’s the best way to meet someone; can’t disagree with that BUT he also feels that’s why online dating seems to fail – because of the lack of connection, meaning a common friend. But the connection isn’t a person, rather, the stuff you’ve got in common.

When you’re a kid, you think love’s looking at someone and going, You’re so awesome, and she looks back at you and says the same thing. Adults are different.

Adults don’t stand facing one another but side-by-side. It’s why I always say that you want someone on your side.

That, in turn, is from that French dude that wrote The Little Prince: Aimer, ce n’est pas se regarder l’un l’autre, c’est regarder ensemble dans la même direction, which translates to To love is not to look at one another: it is to look, together, in the same direction.

Love’s when you’re both looking at stuff y’love – like a Firefly episode you love, how you want to raise your kids, or your plant Harold -and you go, Do you see what I see? and she goes, Man, I *totally* see what you see.

That’s love. How you get it – online/offline – depends on how life puts it in front of you, but it’s always the same thing.

 

Location: going to New Rochelle
Mood: insanely busy
Music: look into their eyes, and you suddenly know
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