Thinking about all the Hows and Whys

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This woman named Alice Neel once said that All experience is great provided you live through it. If it kills you, you’ve gone too far.

Had enough distance now from my old troubles to think about it objectively. Alla these things I thought I’d never make it past I did somehow.

Suppose that’s just human nature, to survive the blows. And the one benefit of the gut-wrenching is that peculiar feeling that, If I could survive XX, I could survive anything.

Alison and I were in the hospital on Thursday.

The hows and whys are for some other time and from some other narrator.

My parta the story’s that I was two hours north of the city when I rushed down to hear the news.

Just lemme tell you that there are times in a man’s life when he just wants to cover up his ears like a child and not hear to those impatient things that need to be heard.

But you listen cause you’re not a child. Not for a while now.

And you nod. There’s always a lotta goddamn nodding.

And after all that listening and nodding, you manage to compress all of that agony and fear into a tight little ball and stuff it into some crack in your soul where y’hide that stuff.

Then y’take a deep breath, and say out loud, It’s gonna be ok. Partly for them, mostly for yourself.

And it is, almost always, somehow ok.

But cause you’re an insomniac, you get up in the middle of the night to sit by your lonesome on an uncomfortable couch and, without fail, retrieve that ball you hid earlier. You unpack it, smooth it out, and examine it from a million different angles, hoping for some understanding that never comes.

Finally – despite your best efforts – y’think about all of those hows and whys. Mostly the whys.

Location: Last week, a waiting room at Columbus Circle
Mood: worried
Music: sun is going down but it will rise again
YASYCTAI: Remember that you made it through all the other times. (time/2 pts)

21 replies on “Thinking about all the Hows and Whys”

It seems you do have the words, and I do appreciate it. Thank you very much.

For whatever reason you were at the hospital and for whoever was involved, hope all is ok. Things always work out in the end, right? The least I could do :\

I hope all will be ok too, it's hard to not think about things constantly. You get stuck into this negative doom spiral so I try to go to the gym or work whenever I can.

That's always good. You're at least accomplishing something or getting stuff done. It's why I got tons of hobbies. Like knitting for intance. Keeping mind off of negative things = one really spiffy scarf.

Hey Logan hope every thing turn out fine. I have been a lurker for a while just wanted to say thank you . I been going thur a ruff time in my life . Reading your blog has help me so much to see the bigger picture with a lot of laughter along the way. Shem em hetep ( go forward in peace )!

Hi there – thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm actually writing this from the ER; we've been waiting for four hours for a shot. "Emergency" room is a bit of a misnomer, it's more of an "anxiously wait until you're more sick" room.

I'm glad this blog helps someone besides just me…

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