Logan’s 48: The Foreseeable Unforeseeable

Basil Get

This fella named Joseph Bazalgette designed the London sewer system back in the 1860’s.

He said, “Well, we’re only going to do this once and there’s always the unforeseen” and doubled the diameter of the pipes suggested by the engineers.

Had he used the pipes that were originally recommended, the sewer woulda stopped working a hundred years later in the 1960s but instead, it’s 2021 and they’re still going strong.

While it was unforeseen that London – and the world – would see its population explode, it was also somewhat foreseeable as well.

In some way, that’s a lot like me.

I have contingency plans for my contingency plans. People are surprised that I not only have one advanced degree but two – in two wholly different fields of work. The idea was that if one career flopped, I would always have the second one to fall back on.

Alison and I always said that if everything – positively everything – failed, she could go back to waitressing and I could go back to building networks and teaching people how to stab each other.

We would survive. Or so we thought.

We planned for everything. Except her dying. That was the very last thing either of us thought of. It was our black swan.

We even thought of my dying, just not her; we took out a half-million dollar life insurance policy on me that expires this Friday at midnight.

In other words, if I die before 11:59 on Friday, the boy gets $500,000.

2021.04.16_09:59 edit: It’s actually $750,000. Damn, I’m worth more dead than alive. At least until midnight tonight.

And the reason why it expires this Friday is that I’m turning 48 on Saturday.

I was supposed to get another ten-year term for the foreseeable unforeseeable but I just didn’t have the stomach to go through the whole nurse’s visit and alla that again.

I still remember when Alison and I did it together the first time around but this time, it’d be just me (she had a tiny fraction of my policy amount because we figured that the chance of her dying was so small).

We got it ten years ago this month, right after we found out she was pregnant. Later, we heard the heartbeat. Three months later, the heartbeat and the baby were gone.

I thought 2011 would be the most painful year of my life. I was wrong.

Man, I was so fucking wrong.

Two people independently, and separately, called Chad and me a narcissist recently. Here’s the definition of one.

No one had ever called either of us that before and it threw us for a loop because we know someone that assuredly is and we don’t feel we have any nexus at all with this person.

It’s definitely not true about Chad, and I don’t think it’s true about me either. I’m many fucked up things but that’s not one of them.

Because the only thing I ever wanted wasn’t accolades, fame, or fortune. All I ever wanted was to be known as a good writer and a family/fatty to call my own.

These days, my hopes are even more modest; I’d like nothing more than to be remembered as Alison McCarthy’s faithful companion and the boy’s faithful guard.

If I am remembered as nothing more or less than those two things, I consider my time on this shitty little planet well earned.

In any case, even though it’s a foreseeable unforeseeable thing, I let my policy lapse. Maybe I’ll pick up a new policy later on this year. Just not right now.

Because it’s just me and him. If I die after midnight this Friday, the kid’ll get the money Alison left for him, this apartment, a shit-ton of knives, several hundred worthless comic books, and tech up the wazoo.

I’m just tired of thinking of death and the weight of the world.

I’ll just try and be extra careful for a bit.

Before Alison got sick, I used to ask for the same ridiculous and crass thing every year because I thought it was funny.

Suppose this is as good a year as any to start that up again. So…

Wish me a happy birthday, alla you bastards that read me and never say anything.

Location: in front of 48
Mood: pensive
Music: blink your eyes and the years go by like that (Spotify)
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27 Replies to “Logan’s 48: The Foreseeable Unforeseeable”

  1. Happy birthday Logan. I started reading your blog back in college back in the 2000s and gradually stopped after graduating probably due things getting busier.

    I am sorry for your loss Logan.

    I still enjoy your writing after all these years. Wishing you best.

    1. Thanks so much for the comment, Quy.

      I’m always glad to hear from someone that’s been reading for a while because so much has happened.

  2. Dear Logan,
    Happy Birthday! Hope you have a peaceful birthday weekend with all the fireworks spending time with your boy. ???

    1. Thank, Sckim! I always appreciate that you keep reading and commenting all of these years.

  3. Happy Birthday Logan! I was introduced to you and your blog as Alison’s husband and your son’s father. And all these years later, I still love reading all your posts. I think you are a fantastic writer.

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! I would have had no idea if you didn’t.

      And I’m thrilled to be known as those two things; they are my highest callings.

  4. Happy Birthday Logan. I have been reading your blog for several years. Brain cancer stole my mother’s life when I was 10 years old. She died at the age of 32. That’s the unfortunate similarity in our lives.
    I really enjoy reading your writing and seeing NYC life through your lens.

    All the best

    1. How awful that we share that in common; that’s probably the worst way to have a connection with anyone.

      You sound like you’re doing well, however, so that gives me hope that my son will also be ok with just me.

      Yes, I like to tell everyone that NYC is the unwritten major character in this blog. I’m glad you think so as well.

      Thanks for writing and letting me know you’re out there.

  5. Happy birthday Logan!
    This is Emily, Eric’s wife. I drop by your blog on occasion because I love your writing style and NYC stories. We even showed the kids your YouTube videos the other day and they were really impressed.
    I am so sorry about Alison and all the crazy swings life has thrown all you. But I have hope! I’m sure you’re an amazing father and friend to everyone in your life. Hang in there and stay safe.
    Happy 48th

    1. Hello to both of you! I try to showcase as much of NYC as I can since I love it so much here.

      I’m touched that you showed your kids my videos! It’s something I kinda kept hidden all these years but with Scenic Fights, I just figured I should show the world what I do in my spare time.

      Thanks for taking the time to write and the positivity. I really appreciate it.

  6. Happy birthday, Logan! I’ve been following your blog since the LJ days. I love your writing, always have. I hope your birthday is enjoyable and best wishes for the upcoming trip around the sun.

    1. Since the LJ days! Man, that was a lifetime ago. I miss that community and wish there was some way to bring it back but I suppose we’ve all moved on from those days and that lifestyle.

      Thank you for the support and taking the time to let me know you’re out there.

  7. Happy birthday Logan! I stumbled upon your blog right before Allison got sick and have followed you ever since. You don’t give yourself enough credit for all the things you’ve gone through – more than most could even imagine. You are a good dad and the boy is so lucky! He gets to be part of a family and have a dad that loves his mom and can tell him all about her. He will remember that and that will be part of his story. Enjoy your 48th!

    1. Thank you for this. Yes, I wonder sometimes if I’m doing the right thing at all; the narcissist comment really messed me up. In the end, I honestly think that I find purpose in service, in making the world a better place, somehow.

      Thanks for taking the time to write and let me know that felt enough of a connection to keep coming back. That’s all any writer really wants, I think.

  8. Happy Birthday Logan. I’ve been following since Alison got sick when another blog I read shared your story. I love your writing and I agree with comments above that you’re a good dad and that your love of Alison is a precious thing for your son.

    1. Thank you for the kind words and the well-wishes. I hope you’re right. I’ve been a fulla doubt in general and the past few days all the more so, so thanks for the support.

  9. Happy birthday, Logan, from a stranger all the way in Belfast, Ireland. I came across your blog when searching for survival through the darkness of my own grief. Your writing resonates and helps. Your devotion to Alison and your boy and your determination to play the hell out of a heavy hand inspire me. I’ve been to NYC twice and you give me wee trips back to your crazy, amazing city. Btw, anyone who reads just one of your posts would know, definitely not a narcissist. I hope your birthday is filled with comforting memories, love, laughs, good food and rum :).

    1. “Joan” is one of my favourite names; there was a girl in college that was named that and she was a wonderful friend and confidant.

      I’m sorry that you had to deal with your own grief to find me here but we play our cards, whatever they are. I’m glad to be part of your hand.

      Thank you so much for the kinds words and the support; the narcissist comment really ate away at both Chad and me because it was so uniquely cruel.

      I had everything today but the rum, but the night is still young!

  10. Logan, to be called a narcissist is a nasty but normally groundless accusation. Words. So much power to lift up or break down. The fact that it has upset you and Chad so much, in itself disproves the comment. A narcissist simply would not care or question themselves. I’m sorry it has caused you both so much needless upset. I hope you will see that it is about them and their motives, not you or Chad, and not allow it to take up another minute of your headspace. Thanks for the comment on my name. I’ve always somewhat disliked it, whilst loving it because I’m named for my late mum. I always remember the few positive comments I receive on it. Words. Take care.

  11. LOL well happy belated birthday!

    The link in the post took me back to 2014 when you turned 41 with that same quote “Wish me a happy birthday, alla you bastards that read me and never say anything.” I do say something once in awhile, but not often. BTW – 48 seems so young to me being an old lady of 73. Although I have no wish to go back there, I would like to have the ability to move like that again without worrying if I will blow out the knee for a third time. But if wishes came true, then pigs would fly with the eagles.

    You are not a “creaky old man” yet, but you will get there as we all do. While I was back in 2014 I read some of the posts on that page and a phrase you used gave me a chuckle; “yesterday night”. When I was about 4 or so I couldn’t remember how to say “last night or two nights ago” so used the phrases “yesterday’s night/yesterday’s yesterday’s night” instead; immediately corrected by my mom.

    Yours is the only blog I follow. I’ve read others, but never stuck and certainly never subscribed. Your blog is different somehow and I can’t put my finger on why, but here I am. I save up a week or two and then read them al at once. Came across you when someone, somewhere posted about you about two years ago and here I am.
    You kinda feel like one of my kids even though you are a complete stranger.

    You are NOT a narcissist in any way, form or fashion. Ignore that person. That was a very rude thing to say even if it had been a true statement. The entire world was treated to that disorder by the twittergolf for four years. That is not you.

    Dude don’t worry so much about the boy. You are doing splendidly being a great dad and his vocabulary and developing reasoning skills show that is true. Keep up the good work. BTW that kid is gorgeous.

    And I love the pictures of the city….been living south for 50 years now and I miss the NY, NJ, PA and the shore; just not the snow and ice!

    So again Happy Birthday Dude….and many, many more to come.

    1. I like being the one and only! And thank you for the kind words. The words really stung, especially after four years of the orange one; to think that this person thinks that I’m the same as Trump bothers me in ways I can’t fully express.

      Ah, I always wonder if people find my pictures about the city nonsensical or annoying. I feel that it just gives the reader a glimpse into my daily life in ways words can’t.

      And thanks for the encouragement about the boy. I think all parents are unsure that they’re doing the right thing.

  12. Happy belated Birthday!

    I would remember you as the pre-family online LJ version of you, plus the you that’s Alison’s companion and the boy’s guard and protector. I haven’t been keeping up regularly for years, but still enjoy reading your entries when I pop in now and again.

    My old psych major days feel like a lifetime ago, but for what it’s worth, I don’t think you have NPD.

    1. Oh man, the pre-family online LJ days! That seems like a lifetime ago; thanks for the blast from the past.

      As for your NPD opinion, thank you for offering it. It’s really bothered me because Trump and my old coach were clear narcissist and I don’t feel I have any nexus with them at all. At least, I hope I don’t!

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