I’m dull and vicious again
This blog has always been about people entering and leaving my Venn Diagram. Although some the leavings have changed dramatically – and horrifically – in the past few years.
Gymgirl’s dropped out of this story; there’s more but that’s her story to tell.
Friend: You seem more upset about it than others in the past.
Me: Well, it’s my birthday next week, and it was more abrupt and random than usual.
Her: You should be one to talk about leaving people abruptly and randomly.
A lot’s going on in my life that I’m trying to get a handle on, least of which is that I’m turning 45 soon. It sounds so weird as I write it. Never thought I’d be single at 45, mainly because I was married and thought that was it for me.
I wanted it to be it for me.
But I’m going into 45 alone. Had a couplea people ask to do something and I’m honestly not sure. What’s there to celebrate?
Did see some friends over the weekend to watch the fights. And ate a lot more than I shoulda.
Him: How much chicken did you just eat?
Me: Clearly, not enough.
Probably drank a lot more than I should have as well.
Him: You should stop drinking.
Me: You’ve never said that to me in all our nights out before. So, I’ll stop.
Him: Good.
And I’m still me, as broken as ever.
Me: So what line of work are you in?
Her: I teach paddleboarding on the Hudson.
Me: (sighing) I have to sterilize everything you’ve touched now.
Her: (laughing) What? Why?
Me: Cooties, obviously.
Actually, it’s not true that I’m going into 45 alone. I have the kid. The kid’s enough. Dunno how anyone could ever leave that face.
Picked him up early from my mom on Sunday, despite little-to-no sleep, because I wanted to see that face so.
Me: Where we going?
Him: Home. Home. (smiles) [Gymgirl’s name]?
Me: (shaking head) No. It’s just you and me, kid. I’m sorry. We both really liked her, I know. Is it…is it ok if it’s just me again?
Him: Yesh. Yesh. (nods deeply then points at mouth) Eat. Eat.
Me: (laughing) That’s my boy. You and me against the world, right?
Him: Yesh. (touches my mouth) Eat.
Me: (nods)
Location: in front of a glass of rum and amaretto
Mood: dull and vicious
Music: the lovers and the lonely, start to whisper all about me
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You say you’re dull and vicious. You say you’ve lost your faith. I don’t believe a word of it. You yourself said, “the people that live good lives – the best lives – get ____ed. Jesus gets nailed to some planks to die in agony, John the Baptist gets decapitated as a party favour, Job loses everything just so God can tell a good story. It goes on.”
Do I understand any of it? No.
“Love, it has no need of words;
it itself, a word, is.
And as the passing grasses, speaks
more delicate that floating seeds
and where it rests, returns again”