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personal

Joni Mitchell never lies

You don’t know what you got till it’s gone

I’m somewhere. Not elsewhere, I’m afraid. Just away. Here.

You know you’ve been traveling too much when you pull into a driveway and realize, Oh man, I’ve stayed here before.

Don’t even remember coming to Rochester before.

You don’t know it, but I’m sitting in my hotel room laughing to myself.

Spent a week here in this same hotel nine months ago. It was a strange time then. It’s strange again.

Sleep. Must sleep.

I’m coming back home tonight, I think. Losing track of time.

On a different note entirely, before I left, I found a shirt an ex left at my place.

Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s

Location: hotel room
Mood: drained
Music: I’m gone

Categories
personal

Semper Fidelis

All bad things start from disloyalty

 

To continue from my last post, there’s this movie people either love or hate: Bride with White Hair. In it, the protagonist jokingly promised his chick that he would get her a flower one day that only bloomed once every twenty years on a snow-capped mountaintop. Later in the story, he betrays her.

To make amends, he sits in the snow, alone, in front of this plant for ten years, waiting for it to bloom. For her. Fool boy.

A friend recently gave me a drunken compliment: Logan’s got his issues but he’s f___ing loyal. If I was locked up in a cell in Panama and I had one call, he’d be it.

High praise.

See, anything bad that could happen starts with disloyalty, yeah?

Cheating, lying, stealing, it all starts from there. You can’t get there without being disloyal first.

The goods? Love, respect, trust – you can’t get there without being loyal first.

That’s why I’ve never cheated on anyone. It’s also why I never speak ill of anyone after we break up. At it’s most basic, it’s disloyal.

Unless the reason we broke up comes from disloyalty. Then, screw it. Screw them.

Yeah, I got my faults. I got a whole blog of faults. But what he said made my drunken night.

Cause the people that know me, they know I’d sit on a mountain top and wait. It might be a mountain of brick and mortar, but there I’d be.

Cause they know that I’m on their side. I’d wait.

And for my family, a good friend or a chick I loved, I’d never move.

Location: a bed with flowers on it
Mood: sick
Music: on this mountain thinking to myself You’re a fool boy
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Categories
dating personal

Hanging with Nadi

Conversations with Nadya

 

Nadi: Oh god, why don’t you ever write about when you actually succeed?
Me: What’s the fun there? Met a girl, we hooked up, blah, blah, blah. There’s no story there. Plus, you know I don’t kiss and tell.
Nadi: At least put something there. It’s depressing otherwise.
Me: There’s a fine line between hopeless romantic womanizer and sleezeball player.
Nadi: But it always sounds like, “Oh poor sad sack Logan screwed up with another girl.”
Me: Maybe I’ll put up a 10-to-1 ratio of…wait…sad sack?
Nadi: A ratio might be…
Me: Sad sack?!
Nadi: Look, all I’m saying is…
Me: Whaddya mean, sad sack?! Do people feel sorry…
Nadi: FOCUS, LOGAN!

May be focusing too much at times. How’s your dating life going?

Me, I’m out and about. But I’m also waiting.

After some modicum of attraction, there is only ever two things any relationship needs, and neither one of these things is love.

The two things are loyalty and fun. Everything good comes from these two.

Everything bad comes from when one or both are missing.

If you find someone with these three things, you’re doing well.

But more on that later. Right now, gotta catch a plane.

Location: in Queens, packing
Mood: full & sick
Music: When we were close I’ll remember these things the most

Categories
business personal

You just what?

I’m going someplace not fun

Was out with Nadi the other night and I met this pretty girlie.

Her: We should go to the Met or something the next time I’m in town.
Me: Sure. Where you going?
Her: Upstate. I’m staying with the rents over summer break. I just finished my first year in college.
Me: (surprised) You just what? How old do you think I am? And how old are you?
Her: 19. Why? How old are you? 26?
Me: (pause) Not even close, darling.

Eyes. I’m a sucker for a set of pretty eyes.

Well, it’s nice knowing I look young.

Spoke to Nadi earlier and I’ll post our conversation in the morning or afternoon before I step onto the plane.

I’m going somewhere not fun.

Location: at my desk, coughing
Mood: sick
Music: said you love me and that’s a fact Then you left me

Categories
personal

Fathers and sons

For my dad on Father’s Day

Couldn’t celebrate father’s day because of the wedding. I saw him though.

My dad graduated from the second hardest law school in Japan – the equivalent of Princeton here. I graduated in the top third of my class; he graduated in the top 5%.

But, when he was younger than I am now, he came here to wash dishes and chop fish to feed his family. He didn’t want us growing up there.

Realize now how hard it must have been to be 4,000 miles from home, not know the language and work at jobs far beneath you.

Can barely make it outta the Upper West Side.

He said my mom cried when he came home stinking of fish guts for the first time. She was the local beauty queen; he was now a fish monger.

I thought I married a lawyer, she said.
You once believed in me enough to marry me, he said, just wait.

She did and he became the man he knew he could be.

He says that he believed in himself even if no one else did.

He says that he believes in me. I’m actually a bit surprised he’s still pulling for me.

At least you’re not gutting fish; you’re already doing better than I was.

I’d like to be the man I think I could be. I’d like to be the man he thinks I could be.

He doesn’t know about this blog (don’t tell him). But I wanna say, Thanks anyway.

I’m very grateful.

Location: 1PM, yest., doctor’s office
Mood: sick
Music: daddy’s rich And your ma is so good-looking
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Categories
personal

You’re fun

Come back. Like I said, you’re fun.

 

Went out to eat with Rain, Furison and some other people the other night. Furison was nice enough to bring me to a place that could serve dark rum with a slice of orange. I’ve been so busy, I never thanked her. Fun and interesting.

Also interesting was the conversation I had with the Natalie Portman-like waitress before I left. I preface this conversation with the fact that I shook her hand before we spoke and she’s holding my hand throughout the entire exchange.

Her: You should come back.
Me: This is about four pay grades higher than where I normally eat. Six if I’m honest. Why?
Her: You’re fun.
Me: I’m not sure how I should take that. I suppose I should start hitting on you.
Her: (laugh) Smooth. You’re cute but…I like the girlies.
Me: (pause) No kidding. Can I convince you to swing for the other team?
Her: (thinking) Well, what if I were Brad Pitt and I asked you the same thing?
Me: Point taken, Natalie. See you around?
Her: Come back, Logan. I’m here. Like I said, you’re fun.

Then she let go of my hand and I left.

Barrel o’laughs, me. Fun Logan.

Yeah.

That’s me.

—————–

Wedding season (for me) is finally over.

Location: -3 hrs, my last wedding
Mood: sick
Music: I think I can make it now
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Categories
business personal

Still Running

Humans survived because we ran

With nods to 0utre who cheered me up yesterday while I was hanging out in Stressville.

Been working out like mad but gaining weight!

The late night eating and drinking. I was out and about again tonight only briefly because I’m sick.

Just as well, I gotta cut all that out.

My roomie (ah, betcha didn’t know I had one) said Harvard has this new theory why humans are on top of the food chain:

Humans survived, not because they are smarter than other animals, but because we can run longer than any animal. No animal, not even horses or dogs, can run the distances a man can run when put to task.

Marathon Marathons.

We hunted until the animals just gave up.

We survived because we ran. It is in our nature.

Until I’m breathless and weak, I’m running. Towards what?

No idea.

But, dammit, I’m running.

Location: -30, stumbling home
Mood: stressed
Music: She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes
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Categories
personal

Ain’t she fly?

Decided to name my camera “Fiona”

edit: There was a vid of me up with really dark circles under my eyes but I’ve since taken it down. Thanks for all the concerned comments last time around.

Very kind, but unwarranted.

Because I’m always hopeful.

BTW, I’m going to call my camera Fiona.

So now, if I go, it’ll be me, Harold and Fiona.

Location: my own blue bed
Mood: sick but excited
Music: My method is uncertain It’s a mess but it’s working
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Categories
personal

Copies

Insomnia is a special form of torture

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

– Robert Frost

I’ve not told you everything, I’m afraid. Not so much a lie, more an omission.

You see, I had another blog. No, I won’t tell you where it is, I’m sorry.

But I just thought of it recently and I read through it for the first time in almost a year.

20060915::12:42
I slept another full four hours last night. I went to bed at three and woke up at seven. I wonder how long a body can last with so little sleep. There’s a line from Fight Club that goes, “With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.” That’s how my days and nights feel like. I’m not so much living in my world as existing in it.

Good god, nothing’s changed.

Location: midnight, leaving subway
Mood: exhausted
Music: Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
NOTE: I shot this video last week when I was out every night. I’ve gotten some sleep since then. Thanks for the concern!
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Categories
personal

I just got my tiny tax refund…

…and did something so unlike me

 

…and so fiscally irresponsible.

But it’s because I’ve been having the WORST DAY. Besides, I’ve always wanted to take up photography. So now’s as good a time as any, I suppose.

I’m totally gonna regret this tomorrow, aren’t I?
Location: seething on a couch
Mood: angry
Music: while I’m away Dust out the demons inside

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