A copy of a copy of a copy

My insomnia’s much better these days

Mannequin heads
There’s this weird thing with insomnia: Everyone that has it seems to try and top someone else that has it with stories of how bad theirs is.

I think that some are resistant to getting better – at least at some level – because that would be an admission that it’s not actually that bad.

I can admit that was definitely me in my 20s and most of my 30s. Wore my insomnia like a badge of honor. It made me miserable but also let me do things that most people couldn’t because I felt I had 13 months a year to get things done, while other people had only 12.

But, at 41, I’m starting to realize the costs. Mainly that I just don’t remember things that well for most of that time.

Wrote in my private diary almost a decade ago this line from Fight Club that goes: With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

There are outlines but nothing is distinct.

I meet people who are kinda familiar from that period but mostly not. I remember things, kinda.

You know, I remember buying my apartment but not really. It’s like someone else bought it and I watched it happen on TV and left the room a buncha times.

Happy to say that my worst nights of insomnia these days are about on par with my regular nights of insomnia. Most weeks, manage to sleep pretty well. Had some insomnia the other day but still managed to get five hours of sleep.

Much better these days.

It’s like when I got HD television for the first time and realized that I’d been watching a fuzzy picture in black and white all these years.

Wish it was clearer, though, all of my fuzzy yesterdays.

Mood: better
Music: early morning yesterday, I was up before the dawn
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10 thoughts on “A copy of a copy of a copy”

  1. I remember your crazy insomnia! It’s been ages Logan and I hope you’re doing well. 5 hours sounds much better than it used to be.

    I regret not writing a journal now that I am realizing how fuzzy my memories of my days are getting.

    I was in NY last week, for a few days and I had a free afternoon. I thought about you oddly enough.

    1. Hey there, stranger! How have you been?

      I’m always excited to see a name and a comment from someone a while ago. Yes, the insomnia is much better – not being out late at night drinking and meeting people means for a much better sleep pattern.

      You know, I think about stopping this blog alla time but then I figure I write this more for me and to remember stuff than anything else. It’s a good repository for thoughts.

      Ah, it’s nice to be thought of; next time you’re around, drop me a line!

      1. My mild insomnia is here – nothing like yours so I have more time to write and comment!! I’ve only been catching up with you periodically and not like before.

        When you think of stopping your blog, would you replace it with something else? The way that you write makes me feel like old friends, since I’ve probably been reading about you since LJ back in 2002? I hope you don’t stop! I don’t come to NY very often, but I hope to meet you one day! I have so many questions for you!

  2. I know what you mean regarding our memory fading. I find that my childhood memories will never leave me and my current memory is not as good. As I get older I feel more confident. Recently connected with my childhood friends and all those old memories unfolded in my mind. The brain is an amazing thing.
    I’m happy to hear that your insomnia is getting better and you’re at least getting a bit of sleep. =) Time is flying by. I don’t know where the week went. Hope enjoy the end of this week/end.

    1. “I find that my childhood memories will never leave me and my current memory is not as good.”

      That’s a great characterization of it; I seem to remember parts of my very early childhood very well, but things from just a few years ago, very poorly. That’s why I appreciate having this blog. I get to look back and see things again.

      As for the weekend, I can’t ever wait for it, and then it’s over as soon as it came.

  3. Wanted to comment on your last post, but stepped away from the computer and forgot all about it. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your writing. I learn so much each time and it gives me something to think about on those nights when my insomnia is particularly bad.

    Anyhow, what I wanted to say regarding this entry was that I totally feel as though there are actually 13 months in a year for me, too. I’m only in my mid-20s, but have been suffering from insomnia for a good decade now. It’s an absolutely miserable thing to suffer from and on most days I feel as though I’m just watching myself live this life. However, when I look back on all the books I’ve read, all the writing I’ve done, and all the ideas that had sparked in those hours, I feel as though it’s almost worth it. On some days anyway.

    1. Hi, Monica!

      Thanks for the positive comment – I often wonder who, if anyone, reads this, so I’m glad to hear that something I said resonated with someone.

      I think insomnia is bearable and even a marginally positive thing when you’re younger but it does take it’s toll. I think the one thing I wish I did when I was in my 20s was keep a blog or journal so I could remember all things I did.

      Just fyi, for me, the thing that has helped the most with my insomnia is a strict schedule, which is easier to do when you’re older but harder when you’re out and about while young. When the time comes that you really need to get a handle on it, that’s just what worked for me.

      Thanks again for the comment!

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