I could never do it again
The only people I see these days are from my gym.
Probably cause they’re the only ones that have seen me regularly in the past two years. Most friends I’ve not seen since before October 2015.
Went out with some of them the other day in Queens, and two other guys stopped by my pad for some rum. One girl took me out for lunch.
It’s all very:
Him/Her: I don’t know what to say.
Me: What can anyone say?
A surprising number of women I dated have reached out to me or sent me stuff. BJE, The Sexologist, the reporter, the doctor, one of the schoolteachers, just to name a few of them that have appeared in this blog. I was touched that they kept up with me and cared.
The HEI not only sent me rum, she sent me oranges, limes, lemons, and mint for a whole smogasborg of rum drinks. I admit that I ended up just drinking it straight outta the bottle.
Speaking of rum, Caligirl also sent me rum. And called me.
Her: I was mad at you for so long. I thought your whole “looking for my person” was just a line that you used to get out of relationships. But you really were, weren’t you?
Me: (long pause) I was. I found her. It took a while. But I did.
Her: Oh, Logan. I’m so sorry. (crying) I’m so, so sorry.
Me: Yeah, me too.
Not all the women I’ve dated made it to this blog. Some made it clear that they didn’t want to be here.
Years ago, I met someone that lost her fiancee. After I spoke to Caligirl (and if you read her link above, you should also read this one) I decided to give this other woman a ring.
Woman: Logan…I was wondering if I should call you.
Me: Wanted to call to thank you for thinking of us. (pause) And to let you know that I understand now.
Her: (pause) I’m sorry. It’s a s___tty thing to have to understand.
Me: So I right when I said that I could never take the place of your man.
Her: I don’t know if people are ever really lucky enough to find true love twice in life. (laughing) Wait, what did you call what we had?
Me: “Something a lot like love.”
Her: You always did have a way with words.
Me: I think that’s all that’s in my cards now, like yours. (deep breath) Real love, I don’t ever want again. (quietly) I could never do it again. It’s too hard.
Her: (voice cracking) Yes.
Me: Man. F___k us.
I don’t know who I am anymore without Alison.
What we had was my something that I couldn’t put inna words.
Like I said, she was the best part of me. And I worry that without her, I’ll just be the worst bits of who I was.
Or maybe I’m just a sad story you tell other people about. Like when I told you about Leigh.
Which is what I am, I suppose. Damn cancer. It takes everything.
Location: home, alone
Mood: struggling still
Music: for you, I’d leave it all
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11 replies on “Something a lot like love”
Thank you for sharing your raw, honest and unfiltered thoughts & feelings, Logan. Alison is still part of you and your son.
And you are not ‘just a sad story’. You are titanium.
God, I hope you’re right.
The first time I experienced love, I took it for granted thinking I’d never lose it. When I lost it, I realised what a precious gift love is. You and I are fortunate to have experienced it.
I wonder about that, sometimes. It’s too heavy a burden to bear when it’s lost.
Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I imagine the burden to feel as though part of your soul is missing, an empty, hollow feeling.
There are articles online about “soul loss” caused by traumatic experiences. It’s a loss of direction, meaning, purpose, identity and connection with people; a deep unhappiness.
Apparently, when you heal from soul loss, you see familiar things in new ways and feel increased joy in what you have. I don’t know how true that is or how you begin to heal. By doing what your doing I guess, living through it moment by moment.
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