Tag: dating

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personal

Hole

I’m always working through a few things

I can’t believe no one sent me soup.

Despite my better judgment, just walked in the door from a night with the guys. I took the long walk home to clear my head and sober me up. I got in at 2AM on Monday and now 3AM on Thursday.

I’m turning 34 next week, I’ve gotta stop with these mid-week late nights. Then again, I don’t really work but that’s neither here nor there.

So, here I am in front of my computer trying to get some things done and my thoughts drift.

I’m feeling philosophical, what with the volume of chemicals in my system. As I said before, all of life’s problems can be traced to health, wealth or relationships. We all have holes in our worlds that go through one of those routes.

Now, I’ve got a hole in all three. I’m trying to fill them as best I can but they seem un-fillable, sometimes. Timing.

Speaking of which, another girl – whom I’ll just call Caligirl and let you guess why – and I were orbiting back in December. We never got together because of my situation back then and I ended up with someone else. Now – well, now, I’ve got a new situation on my mind. She’s nice enough but I’m trying to clear my head.

Her: Hey, I heard you’re seeing someone.
Me: I was. Past tense.
Her: Oh, well…that’s too bad. Not that it’s related (laugh) but, you free for lunch this weekend?
Me: (pause) I’d love to but I think I’m sick. I’m also…working through a few things.
Her: (sigh) Yeah…you’re always working through a few things.

Yeah…I’m always working through a few things.

Location: @2AM, grabbing an uptown train at 14th
Mood: tired
Music: if it’s all the same to you I love you oh so well Like a kid loves candy

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personal

Love as it comes

It’s good to have female friends

Man, I miss Firefly – obviously (C) someone else…

Her: How’ve you been?
Me: Insanely busy, Nadi. I hate it. How’s unemployment?
Her: Good. Weird.
Me: Well, now you can enjoy having a personal life again.
Her: Yeah. Lorelei said that she would introduce me to a nice girl Saturday.
Me: Wait, girl?
Her: Boy, girl, either one is fine with me. Just someone nice, kinda cool, good looking enough so I’m not repulsed. You know?
Me: (pause) I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m a little turned on right now.
Her: …
Me: What? I’m still a dude, this is how we think.
Her: Fine, just don’t put this in your stupid blog.

Location: @9PM yesterday, on 20th and 8th, feeling old
Mood: insanely busy still
Music: What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover
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personal

Still walking

What does that say about me?

Spoke to L the other night and she said something that made me pause.

I’m always the fling, never the girlfriend.

Her comment was a general comment, not directed at me, but it reminded me about things from both my long and recent pasts that were directed at me.

About eight years ago, I briefly dated this beautiful and wealthy trust fund baby. One day she said, “Guys always treat me like the side dish. I want to be the main course. You’re not going to do that to me, are you?”

For reasons that still escape me now, I told her I didn’t know. After some crying and choice words from her, I found myself taking a 2AM walk home. Not the first, not the last.

Also saw Blue Jean Eyes again recently. She and I both want something, I suppose, and we get along so well but…

Don’t you find that the most hateful words come after the word but?

For the last four women that loved me before Blue Jean Eyes, my but was my insomnia – and the subsequent irritability, moodiness, arguing and general insanity.

For both Blue Jean Eyes and me it’s the choices we’ve made in life but Blue Jean Eyes’s also concerned by the choices I might make in life.

Returning to L and her comment, L asked, “What does that say about me?”

Once again, I didn’t know and once again, I thought about it on a 2AM walk home.

What does that say about me?

Location: @9:42PM, Times Square
Mood: thoughtful
Music: I should know better, your dreams are never free

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dating personal

50/50

You think your dating life is bad?

Had a late dinner and a bit to drink with Hazel and Locationgirl.

Probably have a 50/50 ratio of male/female friends. For me, there’s a clear line of demarcation between friends and lovers, potential or otherwise (of course that’s exactly what my ex said to me and that turned out to be total crap).

Still, it’s great being able to have feminine sounding boards. Consider the recent conversation between Casey and myself:

Her: You think your dating life is bad? On date three, a guy asked me to show up wearing a Halloween costume.
Me: No way! What’d you say?
Her: I said “F___ no!”
Me: Nice. Strong work there, Case.
Her: Yeah, and then just the other day he contacted me to ask if I had a Maid’s…
Me: (interrupting) Wait, you answered?
Her: (pause) Yea, I guess I shouldn’t have.

I’ve said it before, relationships are hard. You do what you can, when you can.

For me, life is…confusing. At least I’m not the only one who’s confused.

Location: @10PM, in front of pitcher three
Mood: drunk
Music: another chance and a someday soon, Shining like the Alabama moon

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personal

If only

Thus ends my first post breakup relationship

Her: I love you.
Me: Ah, if only you did.

Well, that all went to hell.

But to quote a close friend:

It’s better to be the star of your own movie than have a cameo in someone else’s.

I did that the last time around.

This time, no matter how much I wish it weren’t so, I decided that I’d rather be by myself than play a cameo ever again.

I know I’m not perfect
(trust me, I’ve checked)
but I’m good enough to be
nobody’s damned,
wait-and-see.

Once a lifetime,
no matter how I feel,
once a lifetime,
it’s enough for me.

Sigh. Those blue eyes though…

Location: @6:12 PM, saying goodbye to the east side
Mood: sad
Music: I wish that I, that I could stay

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personal

Baggage

Dating is all about finding someone with matching baggage

My hands are shaking again.

The only drug that I know that works to knock me out causes a rare but nasty side effect called tardive dyskinesia, which basically results in a funny twitch or tic in the face. It’s permanent, no cure. Yeah, like I need to be any weirder.

Ergo, I avoid taking it until I truly need to catch up on sleep. On a related note, as I’ve gotten older, I do more and more odd tics with my hands. Basically, I talk a lot with my hands.

Must look ridiculous on my mobile.

My friends make fun of me. I think they think I do it to be dramatic. Maybe I do, a little. But you ever jump up and down when you’re a kid because you’re so excited about something? Nervous energy. That’s me. My hands tingle and I can’t keep them still. Like an itch. Now that I drink, it’s far more pronounced.

So I’m on day two of little sleep. I suppose tomorrow I’ll have to give in because I’m seeing the girl with the blue jean eyes again.

A good friend told me that the secret to relationships is to find someone with baggage that matches yours. So true. She spent 25+ years being her; I spent 30+ years being me. It’s hard to bang two fully formed adults together to something homogeneous. But I guess people do it all the time.

I don’t know how but they do.

There’s a lot going against us, me and BJ eyes. She’s got her baggage; I’ve got mine. But I told her that I would honest with her if she would do the same for me.

I’ll take honesty and those eyes any day of the week.

Now if I could only get some @#$@# sleep…

Location: my living room, pacing
Mood: awake
Music: every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me
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personal

Telling tales

My life/blog has become very self-referential

My life/blog has turned oddly self-referential in that, when people want to know what I’m up to, I point them towards this but then again, some of those interactions become part of the blog. It’s hard to explain and I’m a bit muddle-headed these days so I’m not going to attempt to clarify further.

Thought of this because I got a phone call recently asking what I was up to. I, of course, pointed him here. Afterwards, he called me back and we had another conversation that reminded of an old MASH skit regarding this:

Him: So what happened?
Me: I don’t kiss and tell.
Him: Did you kiss?
Me: Can’t you tell?

Location: at a kitchen table in Queens, piled with books
Mood: working
Music: a different corner and we never would have met

Categories
personal

About time

Sometimes I do something good

Had that date finally.

Me: So what do you think?
Her: (after thinking) You did good.
Me: (laughing) I suppose it’s about time I did.

Location: @2PM, waiting in the doctor’s office,
Mood: touched
Music: I know now that I’m way down on your line

Categories
dating personal

St. Val

What makes a date a date? Food?

Got a date for St. Val’s day tomorrow. I’ve been on dates before, yes, but I’m really looking forward to this one.

Did you ever read Miss Manners? I’ve got lots of issues (admittedly) but poor manners isn’t one of them. On that note, here’s her view on what a date is comprised of:

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. — Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

Think I’ve got the entertainment and food part down.

If I manage to get some sleep the night before, I might be normal enough to work in some affection.

Who am I kidding? I’ll settle for the food and entertainment.

Location: Yonkers, New York
Mood: curious
Music: every time I try to make it right, it all comes down on me

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Categories
personal

Laugh it up

It’s easy to go broke dating in NYC

Went to a comedy club recently with the blue-jean eyed girl.

It was good, it included Gabriel Iglesias from Last Comic Standing, who was great.

But what a scam – basically, it’s a $20 cover, two drink minimum ($24) with an automatic 18% gratuity. For two people with just a plate of appetizers, it worked out to be $150.

Counting cab rides, subway rides, and daily miscellany, the day would have easily been $200+.

All I can say is, man, there’s no quicker way to go broke than just trying to entertain yourself in the big city so that you don’t go postal.

That’s why I spend Sunday through Thursday eating cold sandwiches and drinking tap water.

Mmm…tap water…

Location: @6AM, yawning on a futon
Mood: busy
Music: I shouldn’t have done it, and it won’t forgive me

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