Tag: hope

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personal

No troubles

Met a girlie last week.

Her: I think I have you beat.
Me: I doubt that.
Her: (deep breath) Well, when I was in high school, my prom date raped me, got me pregnant, and, causa my dad, I got married causa it. Then I had a miscarriage so I was a divorcee before I went to college. He divorced me – can you believe that? Moved here, became a model. Now I throw up at least once a day so I can pay my rent and I hate, hate, hate men of every type. Can you beat that?
Me: (shaking head, pause, lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek)
Her: Why did you do that?
Me: I dunno…thought you deserved it. (she laughed, then frowned and nodded)

Didn’t give her my number or ask for her’s, and paid for her drink, which I never do.

There’s this comedian that says that children are a man’s receipt; children are the canceled check that proves that we were here.

The stuff you hear about happening in China is horrifying, isn’t it? 22,000 to 50,000 dead with 169,000 injured. But it’s actually even worse than that. With the PRC’s One Child Policy, bloodlines and family lose everything. For those that lose their one child and they’re too old to have kids again, they’ve no safety net to take care of them in their old age. Their history ends with them; they’ve no connection to the future. They’ve no child to love. Can’t imagine how that must feel.

My father once said that he loved us all before we were born. That didn’t make sense back then.

I’m getting sued (again). I’m working 12 hour days for negative returns. There’s stuff I don’t tell you about. But really, I got no problems. I got my life, my family, my rum, and the occasional girlie for company.

It’s raining here, but in my head, there’re blue skies. Told you before, yeah? God gave me everything.

Hope you have an amazing weekend.

Location: in my office, looking at the rain and thinking
Mood: grateful
Music: Won’t you miss me?

Categories
personal

My favorite picture

Location: 21:00 punching someone off West End Ave
Mood: excited
Music: don’t have to wait for words I can walk away and listen to the birds

Had the best news tonight when I realized that I had no one to share it with. Called someone because I wanted to but she didn’t pick up. Sad but not completely unexpected.

Gonna keep some more things to myself if you don’t mind; let’s just say, I got a tiny win today. Just a little. And that’s something.

Also, my fencing instructor said I was high intermediate – just under expert, which made me all sortsa warm and fuzzy too, in a cutthroat kinda way. I also talked to L and Pretty Jenny, botha whom reminded me how nice it is to have friends that are still on your side.

Finally, I found this picture after months of looking for it. It’s one of my favorites. I think that’s a hawk in the NYC sky.

Hey there, blue sky. Did y’miss me?

I’ve missed you.

Categories
personal

Logan’s 35

The lies you tell yourself

I submit that your misery is the sum of the lies you tell yourself:

  • I’m not good at languages, that’s why I don’t learn Italian.
  • I need a drink to talk to her.
  • I’m too old to start something like that.

My favorite: I’m not that type of guy/gal.

That’s the stupidest one of all. Following that logic: I’m not the type of guy that drives because I’ve never driven before.

It’s all horse___, you know? The lies you tell yourself. It’s all horse____.

Put another way: you’re not the person you know you could be, causa the lies you tell yourself.

I’m pensive. Turning 35 today. Halfway to getting my ticket punched, and still waiting for my real life to begin. Been thinking, maybe it begins when you stop lying to yourself. When you take that nasty truth, bite into it and swallow. Then go in for seconds.

Wish I did it a lot earlier myself. Then again, wish I bought Google at 300 bucks, kissed Stella in 9th grade, and didn’t have my life’s savings stolen. But whaddya gonna do?

A pretty lady from a sun-kissed beach just dropped me a line and another pretty lady’s heading my way for a spell. Plus there’s the weekend. Hoping for some awesome to head my way.

Some awesome, and maybe another whole wheat donut, would be nice.

Now…wish me a happy birthday, all of you bastards that read me and never say anything.

Location: 13:00 yest, Harlem
Mood: excited
Music: Coming outta my cage and I’ve been doing just fine

Categories
personal

Pathological / MyMusicRightNow

Location: 23:07 yest, outside Penn Station
Mood: entertained
Music: community.livejournal.com/mymusicrightnow

Someone wrote me an email recently saying that she was glad to find another hopeless single. Sweet sentiment and I’m clearly single. But I think I’m the opposite of hopeless.

Almost pathologically, stupidly so. Saw L, Sheridan, and TexasA tonight and had the following conversation while trying to sober up on a Tuesday night.

MiamiK: OK, I like how you did that, but how did you not see that rock on her left hand? I mean it was huge.

Me: (sighing) I’ve gotta make it a point to look at that damn left hand earlier. (laughing) Welcome to my world.

Paul: (commiserating) We’ll all been there, we’ve all been there.

Pathological. Because, in my head, there’s always tomorrow.

———-

If you like the music I listen to, or if you want to share some cool-but-not-well-known music, I started a music community. Come with?

Categories
personal

The Prodigal

Location: my own apartment for a change
Mood: anxious
Music: You’re like a favorite song to That melody, that melody I love

Was out this weekend with Paul. He got a killer Hong Kong gig lined up so if any of you are from there, drop me a line? He’s the guy I go out with the most so if you do end up showing him around, he’ll fill you in on about 40% of what I leave out in this blog.

Consider it a bargain. Plus he’s the gold-standard of wingmen.

Speaking of being out, a girlie and I got into a theological discussion at a bar recently about the parable of The Lost Son/The Prodigal Son. Yes, I like to interrupt my drinking with religious discussions. Of course, she’s a bisexual pescatarian – although not from NJ.

I always felt that the older brother got screwed. Here, the younger son blows all his coin, lives it up and comes back broke, only to be welcomed by his father. The older brother’s pissed.

He was loyal. He took care of his scratch, his family and here’s this messed up brother who gets welcomed back with open arms. A party no less. How’s that fair? Now I see it like this; the father loved all kids and so:

  • the older son will be rewarded for what’s he’s done;
  • the younger son is forgiven for what he is.

That’s what fathers do. Even when the kid a royal screwup, a father pulls for him anyway.

I think hope that’s what it says. Because I’m the family screwup; the cautionary tale for my extended family. But they’re all too polite to say it to me.

So I sigh, put on my brown shoes, my happy face and wait for the 1 train to roll in. And I hold my breath for the weekend to come again.

Hello, Monday. What do you have for me this week?

Categories
personal

One point five

Painting by Constellajen
Me: Mom, don’t cry, my hands always shake.
Her: But they’re not supposed to…

Mom’s terribly worried about me these days. I tell her not to be and yet – well, mothers are as they are.

When she first came here, my mom tied a 1.5 minute egg timer to the phone. Once a month, she would call her mom and they would talk for exactly 1.5 minutes. No matter what, they got off the phone after 1.5 minutes. It’s all they could afford. Her mom worried about her too. She was 26?

Can you imagine?

Here’s the thing: unless you know me IRL, you and I most likely wouldn’t be anything back in those days. What a world we live in, where communication is a commodity. Text, email, fax, blogs – we can all connect.

Veijukka asked who gives me pep talks, I don’t really need them. Because I’m so much in my own head all the time. Sometimes, though, I could use a quiet connection.

Thanks for listening this week. It’s been rough.

I’ll see if I can’t get slapped again by another girl this weekend to keep y’all entertained.

Location: Queens, locked outta my office
Mood: irritated at myself
Music: The more you ignore me, the closer I get

Categories
personal

Speaking of so quick to come and go

Location: 21:00, leaving church because
Mood: confused
Music: baby, i got kid gloves, baby, i got heart



Was a foot away from them in one of their last concerts. Shame they broke up, they were awesome.

Speaking of awesome, met someone in church recently but, as I said before, anywhere but church.

Speaking of anywhere, had another random weekend but I suppose that’s for another time.

Speaking of time, this’ll be my first St. Val’s solo since I was 16.

Speaking of St. Val’s…


?

Categories
personal

Mighty Forces in a Golden Cup

Basil King once said, Be bold – and mighty forces will come to your aid. I think this is true. Your friends, your family, yourself. It all comes together, somehow. Not perfectly, but it does.

It’s been 16 months since I became single. Seven months since the car accident. Three months since the theft. And I’m still here.

I drink a little more, I drive a little less and my clothes are exactly the same. But I’m still here.

Location: well, my mind’s elsewhere
Mood: hopeful
Music: I thought it out this very day. Noon upon the clock
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Categories
personal

You idiot, you killed it

I’m many things these days, bored is not one of them

Scientists Find Oldest Living Animal, Then Kill It

Well, that sounds about right.

———-

Had to go onto the roof to fix a broken piece of glass (long story) on Sunday so I put on my winter jacket and made my way up.

Soon, I’m standing on my rooftop looking around the city. It’s early yet and cold so most of the city’s still inside. The wind’s blowing like mad and I’m slightly scared as there’s no railing. But as I start to work, I think about the weekend.

One minute, I’m in meetings with banks trying to hustle scratch for my business. Then I’m negotiating percentages in Chinese wearing my best tie (with a girlie secretly printed on the back of it) on a Saturday. Then I’m speaking German to a waitress in SoHo while explaining to a tall blond what an Alsterwasser/Radler is. Then I’m telling a girl in Ray’s Pizza @ St. Marks that I’m not 24. Then I’m watching a chick hang upside down in a train. Then, six hours later, I’m on a roof trying to fix a window and not get blown off.

Later that night, I’m in church (where I bumped Gshok again), and I run into a girl I met a while back but never mentioned and I came this close to asking for her number – couldn’t do it though.

Again, anywhere but church.

Anyway, I’m on this roof and I’m thinking, well, at least you’re not bored.

Yep. Boredom? That I ain’t got.

Location: 20:05, Times Square catching the uptown red
Mood: entertained
Music: Living life too close to the edge hoping that I know the ledge

Categories
business dating personal

Everything

My GPS lies to me, but otherwise, all is good

Spent the day running around Connecticut, Westchester, and then stuck for two hours on the Cross Bronx Expressway – the GPS said it would take 22 minutes. It took 2.5 hours.

Damn lying GPS.

Was rushing back because I had a church function to attend. Eventually I got there and did my thing.

Somehow, two girls and I got onto the topic of dating and I told them that I had a mental block about meeting and dating someone from church. I just feel that’s sleazy somehow.

For some reason, they thought that was the one place I should be looking to meet someone.

Huh.

I then went home and got a call from a pretty lady and met her for a quick drink.

Quite a day.

———-

Got a few emails and comments from people saying they felt bad for me. Thanks much, but don’t feel bad for me, please.

I’m good. God gave me everything.

Location: One hour ago, getting a kiss on Columbus
Mood: exhausted
Music: God gave me everything I want; I can’t stop