This entry is out of order; back to the regular nuthin in the next entry.
The Firecracker’s dad came into town this weekend and we met up with him on Saturday for a kid’s birthday party.
It was fine for the most part but then a parent snapped at my kid when he tried to break a piñata with his foot when it fell down – like an 8 year old kid understands why whacking a piece of cardboard with a stick is ok but kicking it isn’t – and destroyed him in front of all the other kids.
It pretty much set the mood for the rest of the weekend for us.
He’d never cried at a birthday party before and, of course, it had to happen during the weekend of Mother’s Day and his mom’s birthday.
Obviously, there’s no way for the other parent to have known that.
If it wasn’t for the fact that she couldn’t have known and that she was a mom, I woulda been arrested.
Still, he was fine after a spell because I raised him to be resilient, but – man – I was steamed.
Him: She said I did it on purpose, but I didn’t. I was trying to help. (sadly) I’m the worst kid. Me: Don’t ever say that. She doesn’t know you at all. You’re the best kid mom or I could ever ask for. Him: Really? Me: Honest and for true.
We then went to have dinner with the Firecracker’s family at a local taco joint that I’d been to before and then called it a night.
The next morning, despite it being Mother’s Day, the Firecracker got up bright and early to make her family and us a killer brekkie with a baked blueberry and apple oatmeal dish and a baked fritatta with feta and bacon.
The oatmeal bar
My kid liked it so much, he asked for seconds of everything and also asked for more the next day.
God, I love that kid – he’s just like me where we eat our feelings.
We all chatted at my place for hours until we had to meet up with the ABFF for dinner and to remember Alison.
This was probably the worst birthday/Mother’s Day yet for the kid because he feels the loss now.
Being humiliated and yelled at a birthday party probably didn’t help matters.
It was the hardest one for me for a while because it hit the kid so hard.
Him: (looking up at the ballon) How do we know she’ll get it? Me: We hope. Him: (nodding) I hope she knows I miss her. Me: She knows. I’m sure she knows
Getting outta the city’s always a bear but the visiting presidents and alla the rain made everything worse.
My son didn’t come with us down south as he wanted to stay at his grandparents, so we drove him out to NJ first to drop him off.
MIL: You want some coffee before you go? Firecracker: Oh, I already have some in the car, thank you. Me: I’d love some, but I go to the bathroom enough when I travel.
This turned out to be pretty true when I asked her a few hours later if she wanted to pull over to get a quick break.
Her: Nope – I’m gonna be a taskmaster here. Me: Can I at least borrow your sunglasses to try and sleep a bit? Her: (laughing) You’re gonna look great in my sunglasses.
She was wrong.
Tried to get some sleep in the car but that was pretty much impossible.
Somewhere in West Viginia, her kid got hungry so she finally pulled over and we searched around for a place to eat.
Her: I love seeing the country. Isn’t it beautiful and peaceful? Me: It’s like when I went to college [in Cornell]. I gotta, say, though, this place is less bucolic and more like the land of strip malls.
I had a chicken sammie animal style at Chick-fil-A.
The next four hours or so were just like this.
We were making good time so for dinner, we ended up stopping by a joint called Holly Jo’s Creekside Grill.
The food was only ok but everyone was super nice and I can’t remember the last time I ate with Darth Vader.
The problem was probably that I ordered a salad. It was not a good salad.
Everything else was good, though.
It was pretty late when we pulled into our hotel in Winston-Salem – some 12 hours after we left that morning.
The hotel itself was pretty nice.
Me: Man, look at the size of this place! Real estate’s gotta be lot cheaper out here if this is just the lobby. Her: Yup, Winston-Salem only has about 250,000 people. Me: That’s not even as big as my family’s neighborhood in Queens.
The hotel room was pretty nice too.
When we got up the next morning, we were pretty amused to find that there were two conventions happening in the convention hall just a block from our hotel room:
Shall we say that the attendees of the respective events wore radically different outfits?
Firecracker: (talking about the Youth Convention ladies) Do you notice that they’re all wearing skirts down to their ankles? Me: I do now. (pointing over at an anime convention girl in hot pants) They’re dressed pretty differently. Her: Very. (shaking head) They should probably wear a little more. Me: Nah, it’s America. People should dress how they want. Her: It’s cold! Me: This is true.
I didn’t take any pics of the latter but did of the former.
There’s gonna be zero rhyme or reason to this entry cause I went through my camera and found a buncha random videos that I meant to post.
Let’s start with a video shot in October of 2023 where I took a bus out to Queens in this entry.
Now, I’d meant to post this video in that entry, but I forgot I even took it.
Essentially, that explains all the rest of these videos.
Nothing special but I just always liked seeing the NYC rivers while on bridges.
Now, this is another video I shot in October of 2023, where this very old and broken dude was screaming out racial epithets at people who were just walking by him.
I believe the cops got involved but I was already gone by the time they started to arrive.
While NYC definitely has moments like that, it also has moments like the next video, which I shot the following month on November 18th, 2023.
It’s just some people playing ping pong on the pedestrian square outside of Koreatown.
I like how totally random it is, just like NYC itself, which is also totally random.
That’s all I got for now.
Well, that is until I find another batch of random videos from my phone.
Lemme close out this entry with someone else’s video; this is Ryan Adams singing his song New York, New York.
It was shot in 2001, right before the World Trade Center was hit and is how I remember the buildings before all the horror.
Despite a whole lotta things, that sounds about right.
Location: a trampoline park all day, surrounded by kids and noise
Mood: headachey
Music: In a church on the upper west side (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Didn’t have much time to decompress after our trip because I pretty much immediately had to get ready for a two-day Scenic Fights shoot.
The last time I checked, we were closing in on 585,000 subscribers, which itself is pretty nuts.
But getting – and keeping – alla these subscribers means that we gotta keep cranking out good content.
So, the other day, we tried shooting in my buddy’s dot com.
It’s weird, I know alla these serious movers and shakers these days, and I often marvel how I ended up knowing any of them.
Case-in-point, a buddy of mine sold one of his many companies to Facebook a little while back.
I’d never been to his offices before but he mentioned that he had a studio in one of them.
Me: Whoa! Can we shoot at it? We’re always looking for new places to shoot Scenic Fights. Him: Sure – have your producers reach out to me to set it up.
And they did.
Honestly, I don’t have the words to tell you how gorgeous these offices were.
Like, they had two bars/kitchen areas in them.
And we took full advantage of them – I almost made myself sick eating all the snacks there. I did my best to not have too much of the alcohol since we were filming.
There were snacks and drinks everywhere, but I – of course – didn’t have any because that would just be gauche.
It’s been a long time since I’ve worked for a dot-com, but being there reminded me of onea my possible pasts from decades ago.
I often wonder what my life woulda been like if I’d stayed.
Then again, I suppose I like how my life is now, horrors notwithstanding.
Even though it’s nuthin like I’d expected it to be all those years ago.
Her: You know what’s wild? The same time we were in the room where Marie Antoinette was born, my sister was in Paris in the room she was in right before she died. Me: That *is* wild – and so sad to me for some reason.
The last day we were there, the Firecracker had us heading out to the Schönbrunn Palace, which was where the Hapsburgs summered.
Coincidentally, her sister was in Paris at the same time, leading to the conversation above.
Now the Firecracker just likes going to castles in general, but I was super jazzed to see the Roman ruins – more on that in a moment.
Beforehand, though, we enjoyed some of the Christmas market outside the castle before heading in.
Just like the Hofburg, it was opulent and impressive.
While there was a glass cutaway in the palace showing the Roman ruins, I wanted to see the more impressive ruins on the grounds…
…and they were super impressive…
Me: I’ve never seen such nicely kept ruins, ever! Her: This is amazing!
…and super fake:
Me: Holy cow, I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. Her: Man, that stinks!
To assuage somea that disappointment, we headed to the next town over in search of a traditional German joint that was less than 550 years old.
We stepped into the first nice place we saw and ordered a Diet Coke and another Radler…
…along with a traditional Weiner Schnitzel and Beef Goulash.
It was all pretty good but definitely not American-sized portions, so I was still pretty hungry afterward.
Her: You’re always hungry. Me: This is true.
There was one last castle that the Firecracker wanted to check out before we left but, because I was still hungry, we hopped off the tram early to check out a bar right before it called Cafe Prinz.
Me: (to owner) Zwei bitte. Und gibt es Apfelstrudel und Wurst? Owner: I’m sorry, do you speak English? My German isn’t so good. Firecracker: (surprised) Are you American? Owner: (shaking head) No, I’m from Czech Republic, moved to Canada decades ago, and was on my way back home to the Czech Republic when my friend convinced me to stop here in Vienna and we ended up buying this bar.
She was super nice, and we ended up taking a picture with her.
The Firecracker wrote some postcards for her parents, and I offered to drop them off at the post office for her.
It was “only” two blocks away but each one of these blocks were like three NYC avenues.
Firecracker: I thought you got lost! Me: I didn’t but…man, they don’t fool around with the blocks here.
After we had some food and drink, we headed off to the last castle.
There was another Christmas Market there, so I ended up buying more Glühwein with this cool mug.
We ended up just enjoying the market for a bit before heading back.
The next morning, we took off for home.
It was pretty uneventful except for the fact that we had to board the plane from the tarmac…
…and the food was pretty atrocious.
Her: It’s not good. Me: It tastes like they saw a picture of a pizza and decided to make it based on the picture.
We got back to the states and missed the train back into the city by just two minutes.
Her: Wait, the train’s delayed, we didn’t miss it after all. Me: Awesome! Well, that’s a good way to end this trip.
The next morning, I had some brie and smoked salmon while she had the yoghurt she bought, along with several cups of coffee.
But it wasn’t enough and we ended up going to a tiny, non-descript cafe…
…where she finally got to have a pretty good rendition of a Sacher Torte.
Me: They’re generally a bit dry. Whaddya think? Her: I liked it! The apricot jam really helped.
Stepping out, we noticed a building which had the same kidnapped photos/posters as we have in NYC, which was a somber reminder of the current state of the world.
Afterward, we headed off to the Opera House because she got us a 45-minute tour there.
Only found it somewhat interesting, but both the Firecracker and I really marveled in the history and beauty of the whole thing.
We essentially paid for the tour just to see the inside; the tour was very basic and 45 minutes was more than we needed for just seeing it.
Both the Firecracker and I wished that our kids were there to enjoy it.
Her: They would have loved this. Me: When they’re older, we can bring them.
Afterward, we went to have dinner at a traditional Austria Bisel at the 550 year old (!) Griechenbeisl, which is a beisl, or a traditional German tavern with food and drink.
People that have eaten there includes Mark Twain, Beethoven, Mozart, Luciano Pavarotti, and Johnny Cash – so I figured we were in good company.
Getting there was fun – we felt like spies coming outta the cold war.
The name translates to “Greek Tavern,” but it had zero Greek food, just traditional German food, which is exactly what we wanted.
We walked around for a bit afterward and ended up walking into this rando apartment building…
Her: Should we go in? Me: No. But let’s do it anyway.
…checking out an underground furniture store…
…window shopping at above-ground luxury stores…
Me: I heard the Devil wears that. Her: She does! I could never bring myself to spend that much on stuff like that, though.
…and, finally, hitting up another bar where we each had a radler/shandy.
Me: This was a super full second day. Her: It was your idea to pack in everything today! Me: True. We may have taken on too much. Should we head back? Her: If you’re going back, I’m going back. I go where you go.
Location: a steamy swimming pool with the boy, who just got a certificate
Mood: argumentative
Music: you feel like we’re on a Ferris Wheel (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Now, mind you that I’d slept less than two hours for the past 36 hours, so I was desperate for some legal stimulants.
So, we immediately hopped one of their super reliable – and legit adorbs – trolleys heading to the city center and searched for some coffee.
Look at that line – it wasn’t even noon yet.
To wit, we tried to hit up a classic Viennese cafe, but they were all closed where we were, or the lines were super long.
Her: Look, there’s a McDonalds. Me: I don’t want our first cup of coffee in Vienna to come from a MickyD’s. Her: We just need caffeine. You definitely do. Me: (sighing) Fair. OK.
So, we did just that. Gotta say, it was the nicest McD coffee experience I’ve ever had.
Real glasses, plates, and tableware.
She was right, that coffee really woke up me up, so we headed off to the Christmas Market at the City Hall.
I’d gone to several in Nuremburg and Cologne in my past life, but this was her first.
My college friends and I got together for dinner in KTown the other night at a joint called Antoya BBQ in Koreatown NYC.
Think it was the same place we went to just after Alison died but I’m not 100% sure. It was all a blur from that time and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know the answer, anywho.
There wasn’t any particular reason but I suspect that they knew that May would be rough for me.
Regardless, it was nice seeing everyone; two guys that weren’t able to come out during the 90s-Themed party were there, so that was good.
The night started off well because the bartender was a rum-fan and had a number of great aged rums to choose from.
Me: Could I get the Diplomatico on the rocks? Bartender: That’s a great rum! Venezuela rums are the best. Me: I’m pretty agnostic to all good rums – I’ll take them all.
Ox, whom we call the Mayor of Koreatown because he used to be there practically every night after college, ordered all the food.
Him: What are you all in the mood for? Me: Meat!
And there was plenty of that.
After about seven years, it was the closest to a regular conversation than we’d had in a while.
We just talked about our lives and kids and partners.
Me: You’re moving just for your kid to go to a good high school? Him: (shrugging) Yeah. Of course.
One of our group just left his job so we covered his dinner.
It’s really awesome because we all take good care of each other when one of us is struggling with one thing or another.
God knows they did so much for me when shit went down and I was at the end of my rope.
Like I said, I’m pretty sure a major reason we got together during this time in the first place was because they knew how bad May is for me.
I think that our friends and family take over when we’re at the end of ourselves.
I suppose they knew I needed my friends.
Raising the boy, I’m realizing how important it is that he’s surrounded with good influences versus bad ones wherever possible.
We have, amongst others, a financial planner, a couple of lawyers, a couple of doctors, and some entrepreneurs.
Me: …I mainly take it to sleep. Him: I felt that in college you used to look down on us because we [did it recreationally]. Me: (laughing) Oh no, I looked down on you for a whole buncha reasons. But at least now, I’ve learned that [self-medication] is glorious.
Afterward, Ox and I took the longer walk to Times Square to burn off somea what we ate, before Ox broke off to see his wife.
Me: It was so good seeing you, man. Him: Yeah, we should do this again soon. Me: For sure, brother. For sure.
I kept walking home, though, but I suppose that’s another entry altogether.
Location: Grand Central, pitching an idea over a $75 steak and an $18 cocktail
Mood: sotted
Music: I needed a friend when I was at the end of myself (Spotify) Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Her: I’m sorry about your wife. Me: So am I. All my gods look like her. Her: What does that mean? Me: Nuthin. (brightening) Let’s play a game…
It’s the first day of 2023.
I’m writing this on a computer that I first built when Alison was still alive and upgraded repeatedly, such that there’s nuthin left of the original computer, just like I talked about in my Ship of Theseus.
One thing that I did after the hack was to upgrade the operating system of that computer from Windows 10 to Windows 11, something I did with great reluctance.
Still working through the pros and cons of that, but I note that I went through Windows 7, 8, 8.1, and 10 on this machine before finally arriving here.
Just like the philosophical exercise of the Ship of Theseus, the question remains if there’s anything left of the original computer that I originally built all those years ago.
Speaking of philsophy, this blog has, more than anything, been my own personal repository of how I see the world, kinda like Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations.
Suppose my operating system has always been based on German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, who was introduced to me in my 20s by the Devil.
One of my earliest blog entries spoke about a quote that served me well my entire life: With increased intelligence comes increased capacity for pain.
When Alison, my dad, and another relative got sick – all at the same time – and I essentially gave up my career(s) to try (and fail) to save them, then lost Gradgirl and Mouse, I think that the truth of that statement is why I’m here writing you now.
Schopenhauer’s worldview was that life is, at its core, suffering.
Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom. – Arthur Schopenhauer
At no point in this blog – through all the highs and lows – did my baseline OS change; it was always run on some variant of Schopenhauer.
And you know my feeling about those who’s worldview never changes. I can’t be a hypocrite.
All this, despite the fact that some baseline beliefs of his contradicted directly with my own heart’s desire.
For example, I’ve always wanted family and family, by definition, requires children. Yet Schopenhauer, like my billionaire buddy, feels that “Bearing children into this world is like carrying wood into a burning house.”
Schopenhauer, as the base operating system of my life, was ill-equipped to deal with the overwhelming sadness and despair of it all, for various reasons.
For example, Schopenhauer’s world view of Wille zum Leben respected love like one respects a dangerous animal, but it doesn’t deal with love, which I both respect and submit to.
To Schopenhauer, love is an illogical means to an important end: The extension of our very species.
I understand that but, having loved and lost in the profound ways I have, I think it’s an idealized version of what humans are actually capable of.
While it’d be nice to live a life purely pragmatically, the way humans are designed, it’s not practical. Because emotions exist and aren’t going away.
I need an OS that reflects that reality.
The Devil’s gone from my life and, while I appreciate all that he’s shown me in the world, the OS he helped build for me doesn’t work with who I am now, especially given all that’s happened.
Moreover, I want more for my son. Assuming that Schopenhauer was correct, and our universe is only what we experience through our mental facilities – our operating system – then I plan on giving my son the best one I can.
After close to 30 years of working on myself, I think that answer lies in Stoicism. Not “stoicism” with a lower-case “s,” rather the full philosophy of Zeno, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca.
The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts. – Marcus Aurelius
I don’t think, at all, that Schopenhauer was wrong, or that the last three decades of my life were wasted. Rather, I think that it’s served its purpose for what I needed for that time and that version of me. Now, I have a new purpose – the boy – and that requires a new way of thinking.
We suffer more often in imagination than in reality. – Seneca
It’s still early yet in all this. Just like it’s early in the new year.
But I spent the last month reexamining my life and need to discard the things that aren’t working for me anymore, if they ever did, and find things that do work.
Don’t think you’ll notice any drastic changes here, per se. Just little things for myself as I try to give myself and – by extension, the boy – the tools I’ll need to be the best version of myself.
Man conquers the world by conquering himself. – Zeno
I’m still me, but I wonder how much of who and what I am/was is still there or if I’m a completely new being altogether, just like this computer I type alla this out on.
On that note, let’s start the new year off with a song.
This is by a young woman named King Princess that my brother introduced to me a little while ago.
Can’t put my finger on it, but it always makes me dream that my life might be better than it is.
Maybe it’s the line that goes, “I will keep on waiting for your love,” which goes directly against Schopenhauer’s distant respect of the concept of love.
Because love’s not only something I respect, but also something I want – to both give and receive – so it’s worthy of patience and time.
Even if it never comes my way again.
Here’s to 2023 and changing for the better.
Her: (surprised) Why did you do that? Me: (shrugging) Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Her: (laughing) OK. (pause) You can do it again.
Location: in the first hours of 2023, on W 97, wondering if we should sell our apartments and move to NJ
Mood: new(ish)
Music: I love it when you try to save me (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Her: So, what’s your typical day like? Me: Well, there’s a lotta singing.
Like I said, I’m really behind in what I wanted to tell you but I’m also behind in putting up videos.
See, through the course of my day, I record rando things that I find interesting, thinking that I’ll show you them.
But, by the time I get around to remembering that I have them and take them off my phone to upload here, the moment has long past.
Ergo, I though I’d end out this year a bit differently by posting somea these rando videos for you to see, if you’re so inclined, in no particular order.
The first is a glimpse as to what my day is typically like.
The kid likes to practice his ukulele on my bed while singing me something.
I feel compelled to tell you that he’s six in this video, which I cannot express how proud of him I am.
Speaking of my son, he’s been taking swimming classes all year, hopefully to avoid something like what happened over the summer.
But I figure that you don’t wanna just see grainy vids of my kid.
The other big part of my life is the gym, so heading there, I see some pretty interesting things, I gotta say.
Here’s a quick sampling of a busker in Times Square, albeit from last May.
Actually, there are quite a number of buskers all over the city.
These are some at Union Square in September, just a couple of blocks from Paxibellum.
As for non-musical things, there was also the time that I left the gym and caught this sight; it doesn’t look like much but what’s happening is that water is coming out of an upper floor window onto the streets below.
This means that either a pipe broke or someone left their water on in their apartment, filling that apartment with water so high that it went over the window and onto the floor below.
I’m gonna guess that the lower floor apartments and businesses were not happy that day. You can hear sirens going off in the distance
There are a ton more videos but I figure I’d just toss these up.
Now, I was torn with ending this entry with either this symbolic store display in the UWS which – if it’s 3AM and you’re two sheets to the wind – is goddamn fascinating…
…OR posting this of my son at B&H Photo, where I went to get a small server for my apartment after the last major hack.
He was enthralled by the very modern-yet-old-timey interior conveyer belt system.
Here’s hoping that 2023 is better than the past few years.
Him: What will you do for New Year’s? Me: I’ll dream of my family. Him: That’s boring! Me: (laughing) Not to me, kid. Not to me.
Location: my apartment, wondering what I should do tonight
Mood: cautiously optimistic (?)
Music: See, that pain was all around (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
