Tag: goodbye

Categories
personal

The SOOR

A basketball court on a NYC rooftop

Me: Realized why I don’t wear flip-flops out. Think it’s cause when I was a kid, used to and then when the other kids tried to beat me up, couldn’t run away fast enough.
Her: (immediately) Oh don’t worry, I’ll protect you now.
Went drinking with Nadi and Paul at his pad this past Saturday. Quite something when you start drinking at 5PM and call it a night at 10.

Things have been pretty good these days; clients’re slowly coming out of the woodwork. Been busy lately, not so must busy with coin production so much as busy with preparation for coin production.

Eh, tomayto, tomahto…

———-

Him: Gonna have the talk with her today, wish us luck.

Got no fewer than four friends that’ve had the SOOR (Status Of Our Relationship) talk.

Two got their walking papers, one got conditional employment, one got a permanent position – though, really, all good relationships’re temp-to-perm at some point, yeah?

Think maybe that’s why I was upset with onea my friends. Cause I felt like he already filled the position with some imaginary person and was just stringing the contestant along. But he says he wasn’t and he’s an honest fellow.

Frank Sinatra had this song I heard once where he said something like, doesn’t matter if you’re the dumper or the dumpee, sucks either way. Or not.

———-

Me: Can’t do it, my finger’s broken.
Him: (rolling eyes) Somethings always broken on you…

Lost my health insurance. This means no wrestling for me for now.

Still gonna fence though – grown men stabbing each other with pointy things, what could go wrong there?

Location: apparently Dante’s eighth circle
Mood: goodness, so hot
Music: been looking for something else. Duel it
YASYCTAI: Help me find that Frank Sinatra song! (60 mins/1 pt)

Categories
personal

Anniversary

Location: 20036
Mood: okay
Music: And I’ll see her when I wake…

Clock on 5th Avenue

My grandmother passed this time last year so gonna take the night off.

Was in DC this past weekend; post about it later.

Categories
personal

…you’re speaking Martian?

 

BBQ picnic with glass of wine

Buddy once told me this story once, maybe it was on SNL, where this really lonely dude had this affliction where he could only talk in a really sarcastic voice. Yet everything he said was in earnest.

Her: Do you wanna play?
Him: Oh puh-lease, I totally wanna play with someone like you. Like I’m so lonely…
Her: Jerk…

And yet he did. My buddy, who’s not a sentimental fella, said it was poignant.

Consider this, it’s said that: Communication isn’t what the speaker says, it’s what the listener hears.

And my weekend sucked cause…don’t it feel like sometimes that everyone’s speaking English and you’re speaking Martian?

Me: How much longer till the food’s ready?
Him: (laughing) Shaddup and drink your girlie pink wine.
Me: Oh, I’m drinking it…y’watch…I’m drinking it…

OK fine, it didn’t totally suck; saw a lotta old friends the past two days. Lemme give you the Zone Improvement Plan version:

  • Drive up to 10804 to have some rosé and, possibly, an entire pig.
  • Wanted to stay but had to drive to 07030 deal with some baggage.
  • Then drive to 10024 to discuss my sinful life I enjoy a bit too much. Fella stops by and I tell him to take his chances while he can.
  • Crash and then wake to walk to 10023 and mail something to 91326 fore saying goodbye to the HEI.
  • She’s leaving 10001 to maybe make a go with fella around 94117. Tell her to take her chances too. She’s leaving my Venn diagram after all, but she says that she’ll send me an email from time to time.
  • Can’t chat for long though; have to dash to 10018 to meet up with a friend for an Irish Breakfast.
  • Pat him on the back fore running down to 10010‎ to get a kiss and a cuppa joe.
  • Want to stay longer but take the bus to 10019 to get x-rayed. Lady asks me to give her the finger and then laughs when she realizes what she asked. But I do anyway.
  • Happened to be by my old law school at 10023 so walk there and sweet-talk a girlie into letting me into the school for the first time in 10 years.
  • Was a nice day so stroll up to 10024 where I meet up with WM for 20 wings and a pitcher of beer.

Saw no less than 20 people in two days but…don’t it feel like sometimes that everyone’s speaking English and you’re speaking Martian?

Or that y’keep saying the same things over again but no one ever hears?

Buddy once told me this story once, maybe it was on SNL…

Fordham Law School Atrium

 

Location: giving her the finger on 59th Street
Mood: full
Music: maybe I’m the broken one

Categories
personal

Fading

Location: my basement for the past six hours
Mood: wet
Music: she caused a scene then every head turned


328 Chauncey Street now – not my pic, not my (c)

328 Chauncey Street, home of Ralph and Alice Kramden and Edward and Trixie Norton - NOT MY COPYRIGHT

If you’ve never clicked on my music link before, y’should do it today for something pretty cool per Caffeineguy.

———-

Still cleaning my cellar. Been weeks now. Feel like Sisyphus, cept I got a broom insteada a rock. Stupid broom…

Went to a wedding this past weekend. Someone spilled wine all over my suit. White wine, but still. Least the food was good.

Speaking of food, while at Columbia U., my fave joints were Ollie’s and The Mill. Right now, Ollie’s is a chaina Chinese restaurants while The Mill’s a Korean restaurant. But fifteen years ago, Ollie’s was an Italian joint with a sprinkling of Chinese food cause they had a Chinese chef. Similarly, the Mill was a Spanish joint with a Korean cook.

A boy could get some spaghetti and some Chinese dumplings at the former and tortillas and kimchi at the latter. Now they’re full-on Chinese and Korean joints. Yeah, there’re places like Marco Polo Cafe, with trendy Italian/Chinese fusion but I don’t want fusion.

I want authentic Italian spaghetti and authentic Chinese dumplings, yeah? Not the same.

Point is, all of the stuff I know, I mean I know, keeps fading on me. Jackie Gleason was the first when I was 14.

Funny story: did y’know the Honeymooner’s wife, Alice, spoke Chinese in real life? She and her sister were raised in China so it was their secret language. One spoke it to the other and the other understood.

In a way, that’s why the fading bothers me. Cause no one remembers Ollie’s when it was knife cool. Or what 328 Chauncy Street means. Or when MJ was still black and did the moonwalk for the first time on Motown 25.

Worry that I’m gonna run outta people to tell something to and have them understand.

Then I remember that I gotta finish sweeping the cellar and then I forget.

YASYCTAI: Alla the shows with the dumb husband and the smart wife started with the Honeymooners. Y’should watch it. (22 mins/0.5 pts)

Categories
personal

The California Sun

Location: Santa Monica in my head
Mood: tired but hopeful
Music: something always comes up something always makes her stay


Me and my Mom
Her: You’re always seeing someone.
Me: No, I mean I’m seeing someone…
Her: (puts down hula hoop) Wait, what does that mean? (excitedly) Are you getting married soon? Is she nice? Does she want kids? What’s her name?
Me: (sighs) Clearly, I’ve just made a grave error in judgment.

Me and my Brother
Him: When I left NYC for LA, I had two suitcases and a guitar. Then when I left LA for Miami, had a house fulla crap, a cat, and a wife.
Me: And now that you’re moving back to LA?
Him: Well (thinking) I still have a house fulla crap and the cat (pause) But I’ve since shed the wife tho…

The cool thing about the people that you’re close to is the shorthand language you’ve got.

My brother used to sing in a bar while in med school. One song was about this singer in a bar that loved a waitress named Rachel who wanted to move to LA. The guy didn’t know what to say, so he just said, if you find me one, I’d love a picture of the California sun.

For years my bro said he’d move to LA. Always joked that if he ever did, I’d want a postcard from LA. Then one day he just up and left with two suitcases and a guitar. Spur of the moment thing. Poof.

Week or so later, got a postcard with a picture of the California sun and not much else. Didn’t need much else. I remember that I sat down on my striped sofa and cleared my throat. Then I cleared a place for it on my fridge.

Somewhere through the years, lost it. Stupid roommates.

S’ok though – lookee what I got today:

YASYCTAI: Send someone a nice picture. If y’got time, send me one too. (1 mins/0.5 pts)

Categories
personal

Hoops

 

Saw my parents the other day and my mom was still outta sorts. So, she picked herself up a hula-hoop.

She said that she hadn’t used one in like 40 years. But she’s proud cause she can do it like 200 times. Gotta say, I was impressed.

As I write this, my mom’s singing What A Wonderful World in the other room. I smile cause she’s getting better and I shut off the TV to listen.

Read all the comments from my last post and Sarcasticserum said that I have my own little internet cheering section. That made me laugh.

It’s a fair trade: I give the you spectacle of my ridiculous life and you sit and read. A comment or two couldn’t hurt.

Still, what’s more boring than a non-womanizing, womanizer? But, hope you stick around anyway. Cause it’s always the supporting cast that really makes the show worth watching living.

Hazel: Good luck, Logan. I’m hoping that whatever you have with Heartgirl is…exactly what you want it to be. (pause) You should put away my toothbrush. You need to make room for hers.

Blue: I wish you were my person…mostly because I want to meet him already. But if you’re not my person, maybe you’re my people. It’s hard finding good people.

You can never have enough good people. And it’s worth going through all the hoops to find them.

Thanks for reading and being on my side.

Location: 19:23 yest, Riverside Park doing taiji and not picking up a blonde
Mood: grateful
Music: on the faces of people going by I see friends

Categories
personal

Grow up already

The Devil always seems to come at just the right time with a wink and smile, doesn’t he?

 

Him: (sitting) Logan, I need a favour. (hands me an envelope)
Me: I hate it when people open with that. Especially you. (opens envelope) Oh this can’t be good…

Finally saw WALL-E last night. So cute.

Her: I wish we could just keep doing what we do.
Me: (thinking) You know how most guys wanna keep being a kid? I’m tired of being a kid, I wanna grow up already. I think maybe it’s time I grew up already.
Her: I like you though…
Me: (shaking head) That’s only cause I only show you the sides I want you to see.

My life is needlessly complicated. I’m hoping to simplify things shortly.

The forecast says rain all weekend.

Location: 6:00, awake at my desk, looking at phone
Mood: thoughtful
Music: it’s turning me to the count of girl who’d rather be alone.

Categories
personal

Aether Apologies

 

Her: Why do you always get so mad when I apologize?
Me: Cause you should only ever apologize for what you do, not who you are. You should never apologize for being what you are.

 

People used to believe in this thing called aether, which was an unseen gas that was supposed to envelop everything in the universe. No such thing but the literary concept of it still exists.

Heartgirl went on a date not that long ago and said the guy immediately apologized for being Indian. That irritated me so much.

I’m acutely aware of people apologizing for who they are. And when you put that out into the world, into the aether, it’s hard to kill it. The moment you let out a breath of, I’m not good enough because of what I am, or I’m so XXXX, it’s so very dangerous. Cause you can never be tall enough, thin enough, smart enough. And you are what you believe you are.

It’s subtle isn’t it? The idea that you’re not worthy of your three feet of space in this world. Here’s the thing, you gotta be. If you’re not, the world’ll roll right over you. Then again…

Her: I thought you said you weren’t broken.
Me: Maybe I’m just bruised.
Her: That makes me sad.
Me: Don’t be. It’s why I have the rum.

PCD’s…gone from this blog, per her request. But she said we’d stay in each other’s Venn Diagrams. I hope that’s true. Cause I could never tell if her eyes were grey or blue and would like to know.

I hear Caligirl’s laughter my head – wondering for a second if she’s right and I’m all just hot breath and lies. I gotta believe I’m not. Gotta.

Otherwise, I know the world’ll roll right over me. So I gotta believe I’m not. I just gotta.

Location: the basement of my brain again
Mood: pensive
Music: sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

Categories
business personal

Cursing buildings and mountains

Another day, another goodbye

Her: I think everyone has a person. (later) Would it matter? If I ate a shrimp or tried some fishy sushi? I don’t think it would.
Me: No – because you are who you are and I don’t want you to change because of me.
Her: I guess I really know that you aren’t my person. Sometimes I forget, though.
Me: (pause) I hope you find your person. You deserve to find your person.
Her: I hope you find yours too.
Me: (thinking) You’re a good person.
Her: I didn’t do anything good.
Me: (long pause) You wished me well. That’s something good.

In addition to that very, very sad conversation, also lost my biggest client today, my computer died and either broke my leg or tore my ACL. Crashed at the ‘rents and ConEd was doing repairs so I took a cold shower. The moment I was done, got a knock on my door.

Him: Hey just wanted to tell you that the hot water is back.
Me: (dripping wet) Of course it is.

Not a good day. But there’s this old saying that it’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness. Ended my night with a nice conversation that I’ll keep to myself but made things seem a little less dark.

Hope you had a better day than I did.

Location: my childhood bed
Mood: beat tired
Music: You’ve been good to me; have i been good to you?

Categories
personal

Safe

A letter to my grandmother

 

Dear Grandma;

Went home last night because mom wanted to talk. She told me stories I already know but wanted to hear again, mainly because they’re so hard to believe.

Like how your mom sold you for seven dollars when you were three because she had no money. And that when you heard your mom died three years later, you ran away to change her clothes because you didn’t want her to be dressed in rags when they buried her.

I think when I was six, all I wanted in life was more food. I’m 35 now and I still think of food way too much. Well, you remember how fat I was…

Mom cried again when she got to the part where you came back and they beat you. She said you didn’t deserve such a hard life. No one does.

But you were tough. Mom’s tough like you. She thinks I get my temper from you, which, by the way, I’m working on. I told her it was probably more from my lack of sleep. Speaking of sleep, I thought of a line that goes: We are such stuff As dreams are made on, and our little life Is rounded with a sleep. But I digress…

I do think that I got my eyes from you. Oh, and Aki and I have this weird talent I think we get from you too; mom says that if you ever saw anyone knit something, you could recreate it. well, Aki can play any song he hears on the piano and I can do something similar with a sword – which is admittedly pretty useless but is good cocktail conversation.

Been meaning to say I’m sorry – again. That I broke my promise to you. It keeps me up at night, the regret. It eats me. As does the fact I couldn’t go to say goodbye. Yours was the only promise I’ve broken in years, I think. I had a really good reason – I’ll tell you about it some time.

Mom says that your funeral was packed – even your real father’s entire family came. Because you loved them even though there was no reason for you to. I meet a lot of wealthy people here in the big city but they’re all labels and show. I know it’s wrong, but I feel it’s somehow cosmic justice that you ended up more successful than all of them.

You know, mom made the right choice coming here, she really did. The best thing about this corner of the world is that no one ever asks what we come from, only where we’re going. But I don’t forget what I came from. Who I came from. In fact, I don’t forget anything.

I guess the main thing is that I wanted you to know that your oldest daughter’s safe. You can rest because mom’s safe. We’re all safe.

Really.

You would have been 87 today. I pray that you get the grace and mercy in the next life that you didn’t get in this one. Happy birthday.

L

Location: home
Mood: indescribable
Music: All your grief At last, at last behind you