Tag: single life

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personal

No sense in wasting time

I gotta jet

Actually went to two more birthday parties, back-to-back, the other night.

The first was for RE Mike’s girl on the roof of the Daintree – he booked the whole room. Of course. Because he’s RE Mike.

As soon as I walked in, the lady at the front put a bracelet on me.

Her: This is for the open bar.
Me: Sweeeeeet. I’ll have a Hemmingway daiquiri.
Her: I’ll have your waitress get you that.

Pretty much had three of those and then an old fashioned.

I knew several people there, including my friend-from-around-the-way.

Me: How’s work?
Him: The usual. Our new offices are near your gym.
Me: Ah, we should grab lunch. (thinking) You know, I think we’ve known each other 20 years?
Him: 22. I met you the first day I arrived there for work.
Me: Jesus Christ. We be old, yo.

Kinda wonder where my life would be if I stayed in corporate America.

Don’t think I woulda met Alison or done kali or any of that. I woulda been a totally different person living a totally different life.

There’d be no kid, no Paxibellum, no Scenic Fights, prob no blog.

I’ll stop now before I meander too far down my possible pasts.

Anywho, afterward, I went upstairs – with yet another Hemmingway daiquiri – and immediately started chatting with a redhead.

Her: …but I’m leaving for France tomorrow.
Me: Shame. Everyone runs off to Paris right when things get interesting.

Still, I actually spent most of the time talking to her friend who offered to take pics of me and vice versa.

Me: Sorry, I have to ask, how old are you?
Her: 29.
Me: Oh, so close…
Her: You’re not going to invite me downstairs for a drink with your friends?
Me: Tempting, but I have these rules, you see.

We chatted a bit more but then I had to dash off to go to the other birthday party waaaaaaay downtown.

RE Mike: You should get her number.
Me: (shrugging) Nah, I meet women every night. It’s not a good fit. No sense in my wasting her time, or her wasting mine. The night’s young and I gotta jet. Thanks, as always, for the invite!

I’ll tell you about the second birthday party tomorrow.

Still trying to catch up on sleep.

Location: earlier yesterday, a huge Manhattan apartment, getting a new phone case and then running into my buddy heading to Union Square. Small world.
Mood: allergic to the world right now
Music: I can speak to you by saying nothing at all (Spotify)
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personal

Most New Yorkers

Checking out the Chrysler Building

Attorney-at-my-Office: Logan, this is X. You just caught him just in time because this is his last day here.
Me: Oh my, was it something I said?
Her: (laughs) He’s going to back to law school.

Was in my office the other day just to catch up with some co-workers, but also because I was supposed to have drinks at The Campbell with a young lady.

See, the bar’s just a few blocks from where I work. When I go to the office, that is.

As luck would have it, her office was also a few blocks away.

Me: Where are you again?
Her: The Chrysler Building.

Been here close to half-a-centry but I’ve never been inside the Chrysler Building, which – I think – is probably true of most New Yorkers. In fact, I’ve not been to most touristy things.

Left my office and was just about to turn into Grand Central to meet her when she wrote me to say she was stuck in the office late

Her: Sorry, can you actually just come here? Si por favor?
Me: Yes.
Her: Thank youuuu!

So, just a few minutes later, I exit the elevator on her floor.

I’m guessing she’s pretty good at her job because she had a killer office with some killer views.

She actually pulled out a bottle of white from her office fridge but she also had a shelf fulla fine spirits and one cool looking globe decanter.

Me: What’s in the decanter?
Her: I’m actually not sure. It was a gift from someone. I’m not even sure it’s still good.
Me: I pretty much have a cast-iron stomach so, let’s find out.

I opened it and smelled it – it smelled like some really good quality rum. So, I poured myself a glass and tried it.

Me: God, that is so good.
Her: Really?
Me: Yes, you should try it. (hand her my glass)
Her: Whoa, that is good. Shoot, I don’t even know what brand it is since it’s in a decanter.

She introduced me to one of her co-workers and it was nice and somewhat sweet. It’s been a while since someone introduced me to their co-workers in an almost prideful way.

I stayed for a bit, chatting up with her, and we both lost track of time. It was kinda cool, having most of the office to ourselves, not to mention her own nice slice of it.

But we both had other plans so we had to call it an early evening.

Me: I’m heading cross-town for a birthday party, you?
Her: Uptown. Drag-show with my college friends.
Me: Shame. Maybe we’ll see each other this weekend?
Her: I’m sure we’ll figure something out.

There’s a lot more but this is as good a place as any to stop.

On a different matter entirely, my first short for Scenic Fights was just put up.

Do me a favour and check it out, plus like, subscribe, and comment?

Thanks! Back to the usual nonsense tomorrow.

Location: earlier today, getting smashed at Paxibellum
Mood: coughy…
Music: a new perspective, seeing my reflection from a better point of view (Spotify)
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personal

Grief and I are old friends

Falling in love, repeatedly

The boy’s away for spring break so I’ve been catching up with people when I can.

Before he left, though, I went to his school for career day.

Me: OK, so I have few jobs I do. I’m a lawyer, I run a building, I own part of a gym, and I teach people how to fight. Which one do you…?
Kids: Fight!

That made me laugh. The boy looked so happy and proud of me, I coulda burst.

This fella – don’t remember who – once said that you don’t just love your kids, you fall in love with them. I’ll add to that: Repeatedly.

Gotta say, that’s spot on.

Him: Thanks for coming, papa!
Me: Sure. Thanks for being glad I came, kid.

 

Met someone recently that I’ll call Heidi. In many ways, she reminds me of Daisy; dealing with a lotta things, ranging from simple heartache to some serious horrors.

Her: It’s sweet that you’ll listen to a stranger. I’m sorry I’m crying.
Me: After my wife died, strangers listened to me. So, I figured I’d pay it forward. And you should never apologize to anyone for your honest emotions.
Her: Whatever happened with the last girl?
Me: (shrugging) We were awful to each other, in our own ways. I suppose –  not that it’s an excuse – that we were both trying to survive. Which is what you’re trying to do now: Whatever you need to do to survive.
Her: That’s the first helpful thing anyone’s told me.
Me: Unfortunately, grief and I are old friends.

Saw the Acrobat, briefly and I’ll just keep the details of that to myself. We’re both unmoored in the world, but for very different reasons.

I suspect we’re all looking for home, but she’s a leaf in the wind and I’m a ship on the waves.

Because of that, what we want for ourselves are two very different ideas of home.

Sunday, it was my birthday.

I’m 40-freaking-nine. I cannot believe it.

Him: Honestly, you’re like a vampire, Logan. I don’t think you’ve aged a day in the two decades I’ve known you.
Me: I always believed that I just aged slower than other people, for a buncha reasons. (thinking) But the last six years aged me more than any other time in my life, I think. So, I’m catching up.

Of course, I did the traditional Chinese breakfast of cooking a six-pound pork shoulder overnight and waking up early to make a Cuban Sandwich for myself with an overly sweet, hot cuppa joe.

Birthday brekkie of champions.

Her: You spent your birthday alone? (laughing) You need better friends. I would have taken you out.
Me: I know. I appreciate that. It’s fine. I’m not sure how good company I’d be, anywho.

My birthday always falls around Easter but this time it fell on Easter. I remembered that Alison made a whole weekend of plans for me once and we caught the Easter parade too.

This year, I wanted to see it alone.

But I didn’t quite make it – partly because Heidi called me, and partly because, I hit the grief button because Heidi called me and I couldn’t.

I was doing so well.

Maybe next year.

Location: home, baking four dozen high-protein chocolate chip cookies for him
Mood: allergic to life
Music: you are flowing like a river, washing right over my soul (Spotify)
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personal

Stealing lines

Hanging with Isabel

Had an interesting 49th birthday this past weekend. First I ran into the French Dancer downtown…

Me: You’re back! When did you get back?
Her: I just got back Monday but I’ve been working on my visa since Monday.
Me: Oh, I’ve done some before in the past. What type?
Her: O1B – the extraordinary artists one. Here, take a look at the paperwork I have to fill out.
Me: Well, you’re the first extraordinary artist I’ve met, then. Whoa! That’s a lotta paperwork. How’s the situationship going?
Her: (laughing) It’s done.
Me: Noted.

There was homemade pie…

Me: I think pie is better than cake.
Her: I agree.
Me: Finally!

….but I had to run off to meet a different lady. That’s a story that starts and ends there.

Most people are as interesting as tap water.

Dammit, I shoulda just stayed for the pie.

Speaking of extraordinary artists, do you remember when I told you that I met this really lovely singer with the NFL Player?

Anywho, her name is Isabel and you can follow her on IG here.

The Counselor and I were looking for stuff to do so we caught Isabel around the way and had a few drinks while listening her sing.

Me: Oh man, I love every song she picked.
Her: Me too!

While Isabel was singing, the Counselor and I caught up.

Me: …so we just wrote him off.
Her: Good for you, not your circus, not your monkeys.
Me: OMG, that’s my line!
Her: What? Lies! That’s not your line, that’s my line.
Me: I beg to differ.

She didn’t like any of the drinks I got her so she got some wine.

Me: You should just finish this, it’s tiny.
Her: That’s what she said.
Me: I literally just said that in my gym class today.
Her: Stop trying to steal all my lines, Logan.

We chatted with Isabel afterward.

Counselor: I love your jacket! Where did you get it?
Isabel: Loft, I think? (checks label) Oh, what’s your sign?
Counselor: It’s X, what’s yours?
Isabel: It’s Y!
Counselor: It’s Logan’s birthday tomorrow. He’s an Aries.
Isabel: Happy Birthday! (to Counselor) He’s totally an Aries.
Me: What’s happening here?

We ended up swinging by my place because she broke her heel. I tried to fix it, hence the rubber mallet.

Me: Wait, you were the captain of the cheerleading team in high school?
Her: No, I was the twice captain of the varsity cheerleading team in high school.
Me: Oh man, I gotta tell all my friends from high school I’ve been dating a (twice) captain of a varsity cheerleading team. Oh wait, I don’t have any friends from high school.
Her: (laughing) You know, if you had a kid when you were 21, he would be just a few years younger than me.
Me: I just threw up a little in my mouth.

It was late when she caught an Uber home.

My actual birthday was pretty quiet so I’ll just tell you about later.

Still trying to catch up on sleep.

Location: earlier today, telling another Daisy about the grief button
Mood: hungry for pie
Music: you’ll be on my mind forever (Spotify)
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personal

My favourite and third favourite scarves

Sure I do

There’s a second story Japanese yakitori restaurant called Village Yokocho just a few steps from Solas that I used to go to on the regular with Rain and the college buddies.

Actually went on a few dates with one of the waitresses there. Sweet girl; she still has my favourite scarf but since it’s been a solid two decades, would feel weird asking for it back now.

I digress.

Inside Yokocho is a speakeasy called Angel’s Share that is (AFAIK) the only place that carries my buddy’s Paul‘s Nankai Shochu soju/rum.

The last time I remembered going there was way back in 2007 when I brought the girl with the blue jean eyes to get a drink during a snowstorm.

Fast-forward to this past weekend. I’d heard that both Angel’s Share and Yokocho were closing and I wanted to have one last drink before they did so I asked the Counselor to meet me there.

Unfortunately…

Me: It’s a two-hour wait.
Her: Oh wow…

We were planning on heading over to Solas afterward anywho so we just went there instead.

The entire joint was buzzing because there was a big party planned upstairs but the owner gave us a sectioned-off table so we could chat – actually, the same table as in this entry from 2017 – and we had the whole upstairs to ourselves for a spell.

Her: This is a really cool place.
Me: I’m glad you like it. Between my pretty face and the atmosphere, I’m hoping you won’t notice my awful personality.
Her: (laughing) It’s hard to overlook that.
Me: (nodding) Fair.

We ended up spending most of the night just talking and people-watching.

Me: Honestly, thank you for not being boring.
Her: Is that the worst thing that happens to you on a date?
Me: Well, yes, although women seem to get very handy with me for some reason. Still, I aware of how lucky I am that my worst-case scenario on a date is boredom while with women it’s grave bodily harm and/or death.
Her: (nodding) Yup. Guys are awful.
Me: On behalf of my kind, I’m sorry. But, in comparison, I’m a fucking delight.

I’d mentioned to the current bouncer – a relative of my old buddy Fouad, who died from cancer – that Fouad had literally met every woman of note I’d ever dated in my adult life.

Him: I miss him. He was such a good guy.
Me: (nodding) Yeah. He was the best.

That bummed us both out. But it was still a nice memory/conversation.

Ended up getting a series of drinks from friends and the owner and then she bought us some drinks as well. We also met some people along the way.

Me: What was that all about?
Her: (laughing) She saw you going to the bathroom and was worried about my being by myself so she came over to keep me company.
Me: Looks like we’re both making friends.

Ended up giving the bartender a big tip because he was so cool as well.

It was past midnight when we left, but we were both pretty wired so we went for a walk.

Me: Want to try something else?
Her: Sure!

We ended up making it around the way to a joint that used to be called The Thirsty Scholar – which has shown up in this blog before but never specifically by name – where we sat in a corner and chatted more.

In the middle of our talk, a fella walked up to her, pointed at me, and said, “You’re hanging out with a very cool guy.”

At this point, I’m pretty sure she thought she was being set up. After all, we got floated into Solas, got sat at a private table, got drinks sent to us, and now – in the middle of a second bar – some rando comes up and gives me a seemingly unsolicited compliment.

Her: (to me) Give me your phone and unlock it.
Me: (laughing) Here you go. I didn’t set this up, honestly.
Her: Sure. (turns to guy) Give me your number and take out your phone.

She said it all with such authority that the guy complied and I sat back amused. It’s interesting watching someone else slip into Lawyer-Mode.

She rang him to see if I had his number on my phone and I didn’t.

Her: (handing me back my phone and speaking to him) What’s your name?
Him: Yannick. I’m in the Marines and we watch his videos on the base.
Her: You two didn’t set this up?
Him: No, not at all. I just saw him and decided to say hello.
Me: You’re the fourth person that’s recognized me in the world. You made my night, thanks.
Her: (after Yannick left) Come on, was that for real?
Me: Evidently.

A pretty fun ending to very fun night. It was well past 2AM when we left. And super cold.

Me: You didn’t bring another jacket?
Her: I didn’t think I’d be outside long.
Me: (taking off my scarf and putting it around her neck) Here, take my scarf.
Her: You don’t have to do that.
Me: Sure I do. I insist.

And that’s how I gave away my favourite and third favourite scarves.

The End.

Location: earlier today, Paxibellum hanging with the boy and then Pez
Mood: optimistic
Music: don’t bore us, hit the chorus (Spotify)
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I’m a freaking delight

I’m a goddamn pleasure

Out of everything I did the past two weeks, a few meetings/dates were interesting enough to talk about.

I’ll tell you about two or three of them. The first was with this gamer girl that also fights.

We’d been floating around each other for a while but finally decided to meet up for drinks across the street from my physical therapist’s office.

Me: You’ll have to excuse me, I take pictures of my food and drink that no one ever sees.
Her: Oh, I do too!
Me: Ooooh, lemme take a picture of you taking a picture of the drinks.

No umbrellas in them, unfortunately.

I think we both expected to be out for a short while but the conversation was pretty interesting – I’m always grateful when I’m not bored – so we stayed out until late.

Her: What made you learn how to fight?
Me: (shrugging) The usual, I suppose. I was bullied a lot as a kid. You?
Her: (sighing) What you might imagine. Guys on dates.
Me: Ah, I apologize on behalf of my kind. On the plus side, however, it really lowers the bar for a fella like me. Compared to other guys, I’m a goddamn pleasure.
Her: (laughs) I can tell. At least someone gets some benefit.
Me: Heck yeah – thanks to the average frustrated chump, I’m a freaking delight.
Her: (laughs) I know that song!
Me: OMG, you get two points for knowing it!

She had just come from her gym, and I ‘d just come from mine and we were both a bit peckish so we ordered a small cheese plate so we could drink more.

The waiter was really cool and suggested that I get a Downeast Cider.

Him: (taking can and shaking it vigorously) So the deal with this cider is that you have to shake it really hard because it’s unfiltered and…
Me: (interrupting) OK, when you open it, please point it at her and not me?
Her: (laughing) Hey!
Me: Sorry, lady. This is New York. It’s every man – person – for himself. Themselves. You know what I mean.

The waiter then explained that you have to turn the can completely upside down to pour it.

Him: (later) Did you like it?
Me: What’s there not to like? It was tasty and came with a good story behind it.

The gamer girl and I ended up staying out until it was pretty late.

Me: I’m trying to stay in the golden mean – it’s something I was working on a lot years ago and just recently started up again.
Her: How so?
Me: (thinking) I’ve spent the last several years living in the past or in the future. Not to sound all touchy-feely but I’m trying to live in the present, which I haven’t for quite a while.
Her: Ah, like Ram Dass.
Me: Definitely in that vein. 
Her: (later) I should tell you, though. I don’t know if it’s right to bring kids into a world like this.
Me: So funny you bring that up! I spent an entire meal arguing with a buddy over that exact topic. So, no kids for you?
Her: No, sorry. You?
Me: That’s why I’m here, darling.
Her: (later) Would you be down to just hanging out, maybe come by my school and I’ll go by yours?
Me: Oh man, that’s perfect! I always feel it’s me giving the, “let’s just be friends,” speech.

The rain started coming down hard when we finally called it a (late) night.

Her: Shoot, it’s raining. Should we grab a cab?
Me: (dismissively) Please, I’m always prepared. (pull out umbrella and offer her my arm) Shall we?
Her: Lets.

I took a picture of us.

Me: We’re a pretty good-looking couple.
Her: We are.
Me: Shame, really.

Some of my fave people/friends are people that I very briefly dated like El, Caligirl, HEI, Lviv, and the Sexologist.

She seems like she’ll still be fun.

Oh man, the ride home was a disaster. Tried to get a cab, none. Subways weren’t working (at all).

Finally got out and managed to snag a single taxi that got me home well after midnight.

On the ride back, I did chat with someone that doesn’t want to be in this silly-little blog:

Her: How was your date?
Me: Entertaining.
Her: (laughing) Is she my biggest competition?
Me: Her? No, she’s fun and I’ll probably see her again, but my front-runner is someone else entirely.
Her: For now…

There’s more but that’s all I wanted to share with you now.

This week’s quieter but only by so much.

Location: 8PM, a local BBQ and gyro spot (CC)
Mood: super busy, on every front
Music: There must be something wrong with you, cuz I’m a freakin’ delight (Spotify)
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dating personal

You’re in a Situationship

My mundane little life

Alison was never really into tech – at all. But she loved this ebook reader I got her years ago.

While I sold or donated most of her gadgets, that was the one thing I kept. It meant so much to me that I kept the very box it came in for well over a decade.

Because…well, kinda because of what the below cartoon illustrates.

And yet, I clumsily broke it the other day, which hurt more than I expected it to. But I’m trying to keep in the golden mean still, so I tossed it.

Grief really is such an odd and cruel little beast.

On a different matter entirely, I met up with some friends the other day and there was an attractive pharmacist there.

I was suspiciously seated next to her, but it didn’t matter since I can literally talk to anyone.

Her: So, what do you?
Me: The usual. I cook, bake, clean, teach people how to kill each other, and then go on dates-to-nowhere. You?

Later…

Him: So, what did you think of X?
Me: Oh, she’s lovely.
Him: And…?
Me: (puzzled) And what? She’s 29. I’m 49.
Him: You’re almost 49.
Me: Jesus Christ…

Similarly, I went to another party with the Surgeon and his wife. There was a young French dancer there too.

Once again, we ended up sitting next to each other.

Me: Wait, he lives in Texas? Oh, so you’re not in a relationship, you’re in a situationship.
Her: (laughing, then speaking in a cool French accent) Is that what it’s called?
Me: Evidently. I just found out that I was in a situationship for three years and immediately jumped into another one – or two…
Her: (later) Here, take my number.
Me: Ok then. Give me your phone and I’ll call myself.

As it turns out, the woman that taught me the phrase dropped me a 1AM text that was both sweet and sad.

I’ll keep the details of it to myself since I’m actually wondering where that one’s going.

But, getting back to the dancer, she’s actually on a plane back to Paris as you read this because she’s dancing in a show there.

Him: I see you got her digits.
Me: You know she’s 26, right?
Him: (shrugging)
Me: OK, then…

Speaking of planes, world events are really freaking me out. The other day, two Ospreys flew over my son’s school. It was nuts.

Him: (excitedly) Did you see that?! It was so cool!
Me: (concerned) Well, that’s one word for it.

But, so far, World War III hasn’t happened. Instead, it’s just the mundane little life I’ve grown to love in my own way.

Him: I want double chocolate chip cookies.
Me: But I just baked peanut butter oatmeal cookies.
Him: DOUBLE. CHOCOLATE. CHIP. COOKIES!!!!
Me: What’s in it for me?
Him: You’re my papa and you love me.
Me: (dammit) This is a compelling argument.

Very compelling, it turns out.

Seriously, I need a life partner just so this kid doesn’t take me for a ride for the next 20-30 years.

Location: the kitchen, baking like a madman
Mood: ambitious
Music: Thought that you would change, you didn’t (Spotify)
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personal

Cooking vs. Cleaning

A weekend of carbs

Back when I hightailed it to California, my brother noted that he was gonna be here just a few weeks later.

Him: I mean, I’m back in NYC in March, just a couple of weeks from now.
Me: I know. I just have to do some things where you are. Besides, it’ll be good to see you anywho.

He arrived the other day.

Like most of the time when he’s here, that essentially meant days of pizza, since that’s the one thing that’s (clearly) better here than it is there.

Chad, Pac, and I shot another series of Scenic Fights videos this past weekend. We’re trying out some new things with a new format. Hopefully you’ll enjoy it.

Here’s a picture of Chad being an absolute badass…

…and of him being very domestic.

He’ll make some rich, elderly woman quite happy someday.

Shot 11 in the collage above was decidedly un-fun and my fault for having the pad so low.

Anywho, my domestic skills lie in cooking, not cleaning. To this end, I hired the ABFF’s cleaner to help clean up around the house while I baked the kiddo some Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies.

This was one carb-y weekend, lemme tell ya.

Him: My room’s beautiful! She did such a great job!
Me: Do you think you could keep it clean?
Him: Can’t she just come here every day?
Me: Well, this has backfired.

As for him, I brought him to the Surgeon’s place for an impromptu (adult) birthday party.

Her: What do you think of her? (shows me a picture)
Me: Whoa. She’s gorgeous. What’s wrong with her?
Her: (laughing) Nothing! She’s a dancer.
Me: OK, but looks fade. Is she wealthy? (to the other women sitting at the table) I’m sorry, I’m terribly shallow. (pointing at self) In my defense, these looks aren’t going to last forever. (table laughs)

The kids had their own fun…

It amuses me how many people want to set me up with their friends. They should really read this blog to disabuse them of that notion.

On that note…

Me: You want to fix me up with a White House Fellow? I own a gym, why would you do that to her?
Him: (laughs) You have your moments.
Me: Ah, fun and games. Accurate. That I can provide.

Did manage to meet up with someone for drinks but that’s another story for another time.

The boy and I also managed to meet up with the NFL Player for even more carbs along with some of his other friends.

After this whirlwind weekend, and because it’s Daylight Savings, I took some of Alison’s meds that the cleaning lady found in the fridge.

Nuthing happened so I took a second dose. Long story short, I overslept for the first time in ages.

Him: Daddy, daddy! Wake up! You didn’t hear me?
Me: (groggily) Evidently not. What time is it?
Him: Late! We have to get to school!
Me: Is institutionalized learning really all it’s cracked up to be?
Him: Wake up!
Me: Blargh…

Location: earlier today, thinking WW3 was starting in the UWS
Mood: so tired
Music: Should you try again, should you just give up? (Spotify)
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personal

Getting random gifts

Still fighting my demons

My instructor and I run this FB kali group and, just for fun, I posted something a while ago that went something like, “If you’d like to buy me a random gift, under no circumstances buy me these knives…” and I then proceeded to list all of the knives I wanted.

Welp, no less than three people ended up buying me a knife – four if you count my buddy Miller’s gift for me in December.

One guy was from my gym and just handed me one, another girl dropped one off with me, and the last one was mailed to me.

That’s pretty wild.

Since it worked the first time: People of the internet, now I would like a wealthy, hot, busty, brilliant, woman that likes to clean but hates to cook between the ages of 32-36 that doesn’t think I’m the worst person on the planet.

It’s that last bit where I run into issues.

Although, not everyone I’ve ever dated thinks I’m the worst.

Been chatting with one lady and we’ve been trading notes as to how awful dating in NYC/LA is.

Doesn’t matter if you’re a dude or dudette, dating stinks. But, the alternative is to start eating cat food and forgetting one’s pants, evidently…

I’m spending waaaaaayy too much time watching the horrors unfold in Ukraine.

Been asking my Russian/Ukranian friends to translate things for me but everything is awful no matter how you translate it.

As you might imagine, Lviv is from…Lviv. She doesn’t want to talk about any of it and I get that. Ditto for BrightBea.

Much closer to home, I’m dealing with much smaller worries. It seems that the boy’s getting a pretty bad bout of eczema. It’s been a while now, but I was hoping with the warmer weather that it’d clear up, but it’s not.

I’ve got humidifiers running 24/7 here because I had a friend that had just one of the worst cases of it on the planet and it’s pretty terrifying vis-a-vis her quality of life.

Definitely don’t want anything like that for the kid. He’s got enough to worry about.

That’s him with me visiting a friend’s place. Brought the rum to spread the gospel.

Still, he’s handling it life pretty well.

Him: After soccer yesterday, I heard one of the moms saying that he’s the happiest kid they’ve ever seen. You must be doing something right.
Me: It’s the light beer in his thermos.
Him: (laughing) My son told his speech therapist that his fave thing is to drink beer with his dad.
Me: When does Child Services come to take him away?
Him: Meh. I’m not worried. You’ll be my lawyer, right?
Me: Oh man, if that’s the case, you’re screwed.

On a related note…

Her: Honestly, for your dating profile, you should just write: “Manhattan homeowner, amazing shape, amazing dad,” and be done with it.
Me: (laughing) Every dad thinks they’re a great dad.
Her: Yeah. But you really are. I honestly don’t get why you’re single.
Me: Where to begin…?

We shot more episodes of Scenic Fights this past weekend but the kicker’s that we did it at the gym.

We’re experimenting with a buncha things, including have Pac run some episodes as he’s our Judo coach.

Fingers crossed everything will work out ok.

Still fighting my demons but I don’t believe them (anymore).

Location: earlier today, taking a cab home with a CEO
Mood: ambitious
Music: I believe I’m on my way up and I’m going (Spotify)
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Categories
personal

A Strange & Complicated Evening Pt 2: Putting on the Mask

Afraid of Yesterday

Me: Technically, any woman I meet is your competition and any man you meet is mine.
Her: (laughing) Oh, Logan…they’re not my competition.
Me: Fair.

It turns out the Counselor was in the same hospital, the same building, the same floor – the same wing – that Alison was during the early part of her illness.

Of course.

Felt that same feeling of “this can’t possibly be real,” that I felt for most/all of her sickness that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. It was an unwelcome but familiar feeling.

Dunno why but, I decided to go see the Counselor and – as if by auto-pilot – made my way from the gym to the Upper East Side.

That’s not true. I do know why I went to see her. There were two reasons, in fact, but more on that later.

Visiting hours were long closed but I managed to convince the guard to let me in after a solid 15 minutes of chatting with her. The truth is a powerful thing and I think the guard knew it would be good for the Counselor (and me) if I made it upstairs.

When I walked into the hospital, I was greeted with the same view that I first saw the day I first went there with Alison in that goddamn ambulance.

It was just missing the Christmas tree.

I walked past the same everything that I did all those years ago and tried to keep it together as I maneuvered my way past several security guards, nurses, and various support staff, alla whom noted that I didn’t have a Visitors Pass a solid hour after visiting hours ended.

I was clearly not supposed to be there. I suppose a bright red leather jacket doesn’t help matters.

But, after all that, I finally made it to her room and walked in.

As always, during times like this, I put on my mask: I pushed all that doubt to the side of my mouth, straightened my back, took a deep breath, put on a big smile, and walked in to see a set of pretty eyes.

Me: This is a terrible date venue you picked, I gotta say.

I settled onto the windowsill and looked out across the river to see the exact same view I saw all those years ago.

Me: (staring out) These windows don’t open all the way, you know?
Her: I didn’t.
Me: (nodding) Yeah. I tried to jump out of them years ago and I found that out.

It got a little darker than that but I was there to try to cheer her up, not bring her down.

As comedy relief, her roommate would let out a hacking cough (non-COVID related) every so often while we were in a deep conversation, which doesn’t sound funny but it was such an odd situation that it was.

There’s more, quite a bit more, but most of that’s her story and not mine to tell, as always.

I’ll just tell you that she’s probably going to be fine.

I was glad I went. Can’t remember the last time someone was that happy to see me. Forgot what it was like to have some kindness. That was probably the most attractive thing about her.

Her: It was sweet of you to come.
Me: (shaking head) No, not at all. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. You should get some rest.

So, that’s the first reason I went. Honestly couldn’t tell you if she was more grateful that I went or if I was more grateful that she let me see her.

The second reason, though, was that I’ve been forcing myself to not think of Alison for…years now. Think I knew that, if I went to that hospital, I’d be forced to think of her and remember her.

And I wanted that.

As I made my way downstairs, everything came rushing back at me at once. The smell of the place, the feeling of dread, it hit me as I felt as if it was December of 2015 all over again. Like it was yesterday.

By the time I got to the ground floor, I went straight to the same bathroom that I threw up in twice before over Alison and did it once again.

Honestly, though, after I cleaned myself off and left, I felt better.

I remembered Alison. I remembered that version of me; the one that was a new father, trying desperately to save his wife he loved more than anything.

Not knowing that they were all already fucked.

My gift, if you will, is to forget. It’s a survival mechanism and part of why I have this blog; because I know I’ll forget things. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here right now.

After all, fear is forward, no one is afraid of yesterday.

I walked outside, hopped a cab home, and was neck-deep in my thoughts when the Acrobat called.

Her: How was your night?
Me: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

It was a short convo. I was worried about the Counselor, which sounds silly as she’s a stranger to me. But she didn’t deserve anything that had happened to her.

After a while, I shot a text to my mother-in-law asking if she was awake and she replied yes.

So, I rang her and told her what happened.

Me: I try so hard to forget Alison. And I feel guilty about that. But I just wanted you to know that…I loved her so much, mom. (deep breath) I loved her so much.
Her: (gently) I know, Logan. Try to get some rest.

Location: just north of Solas, being tossed out like garbage
Mood: don’t even know how to begin to tell you
Music: I’m gonna need somebody (Spotify)
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