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personal

My soul is lemonade

Make me write bad checks

Me: What makes a proctologist decide to be a proctologist? I mean they have to look at assholes all day.
Firecracker: (shrugging) I’m sure that you lawyers deal with just as many, if not more, assholes every day.
Me: Fair.

I find the Firecracker pretty funny, mainly with her earnestness in life.

Because the funniest things come from a place of honesty.

There’s something refreshing about having someone that is relentlessly upbeat and positive, especially considering my recent past.

In terms of the big three buckets of health, wealth, and relationships, relationships seem to be the one that my friends talk with me about the most.

With that said, I’m not the only one whose life seems on the upswing.

Ran into a friend of mine the other day who was with someone new. Afterward, she and I chatted about it.

Me: I didn’t realize you and [your ex] broke up. Was there any particular thing?
Her: (thinking) It was weird. I told him – straight-up – things like, “Could you let me know if you’re running late, “or “Could you drop me a line to make sure I got home OK?” Nothing. Ever.
Me: That’s weird.
Her: Yeah. Basically, that relationship was: “He knew what I wanted but he never did it.”
Me: Jesus Christ, can I relate to that…

Of course, for every person whose life is getting better, there’s gotta be at least one person whose life is getting worse.

Or two – see, two friends of mine just announced that they were divorcing each other. I didn’t wanna pry but it seemed that things mainly come down to issues in communication.

Have you ever actually read the story of the Little Mermaid? The original story is…dark. Waaaaay, dark.

Essentially, the mermaid saved this prince’s life but couldn’t speak so the prince thought some other chick saved his life and married her, and she died.

The end.

Think the loneliest people in the world are the ones that aren’t actually mute but can’t communicate.

I feel for them. After all, communication isn’t what you say, it’s what the other person hears.

Besides, what is life without someone to talk to?

Then again, some things might be best left unsaid.

Me: Can you do me a favour?
Her: Sure, what?
Me: Can you walk on my back? I’ve had a rough day at the gym.
Her: (laughs) Sure!
Me: (10 minutes later, groaning) OMG, hurt me, call me names, make me write bad checks!
Her: Umm… you…Mad Hatter!
Me: (laughing hysterically) MAD HATTER?!
Her: That’s all I could come up with! Now write me some bad checks!

I feel like I’m finally past my lemon days, maybe? That’s the hope, anywho.

So, here’s to some lemonade…

Location: day-drinking with her in an empty bar on 80th and Amsterdam
Mood: completely exhausted
Music: Everything’s just fine, I’ma be just fine (Spotify)
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A trip to the Great Wolf Lodge

Getting away from the smokey City

As my dumb luck would have it, a few months ago, I randomly decided to schedule a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge in the Poconos for this past Thursday and Friday with the Firecracker, the Surgeon and his wife, plus another lawyer and his kid.

Well, it was more that the Firecracker is a huge, huge fan of theme parks.

Her: What if the air’s worse up there?
Me: Welp, we’re about to find out.

This worked out amazingly because we were able to leave the city and spend the next two days indoors at a water park with climate control.

So, we went from this…

…to this…

…and this.

The kids all had a blast…


…although the adults also had fun.

Gotta say, I was pretty high-strung when we first got there because I really wanted him to wear a floatation vest but the kid was 100% against the idea.

Ultimately the Surgeon told me to relax because there were lifeguards everywhere. Then he bought drinks for everyone.

Me: Well, if you’re sure…
Him: Look, Logan, there are five adults here. Combined, we would be one good parent. And, really, that’s all you need.

Honestly, the only negative about the trip was that the food was pretty awful (health-wise) and expensive.

Although I tried my best to counteract it for myself; the kid was all-in for the junk food, though.

We had alla these plans to either head out to get tacos or eat at the nice restaurant in the park but we were all so beat from the day that we just ordered food from the same place as lunch and had it outside our hotel rooms.

Except with a lotta alcohol.

The next morning’s food choices weren’t much better…

…although I did make the kid have some peanut butter to counteract some of it all.

The boy and his friends were probably in the water for six or seven hours the first day and at least three or four hours the second day.

Unfortunately, one of the Surgeon’s kids had cut her toe on something sharp in the water so they left early.

That meant that the kid and the Firecracker’s kid got to do other things.

The kids didn’t wanna leave but the Firecracker and I were both beyond beat.

Heading home, we came pretty close to running outta gas but made it to a gas station just in time.

By the time we got home, the air had pretty much returned to normal and we had ourselves a typical rest-of-the-weekend.

The kids had a blast, but I’m not sure I’m really a theme park kinda guy.

Then again, I suppose that this is all part of the job of being a parent.

Him: Thanks for bringing me to the Great Wolf Lodge, papa!
Me: Did you have fun?
Him: YEAH!! Did you?
Me: (laughs) Sure. But all I really care about is that you had a good time, kiddo.
Him: I did, I did!

Location: home, wondering if I should have more of that green cake
Mood: exhausted
Music: got a lot of water in my brain, I got no common sense (Spotify)
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Smoke from a Distant Fire

Canadian wildfires in NYC

Dentist: (70 minutes late) Sorry to keep you waiting. What’s going on?
Me: I still have a lot of pain in that tooth you repaired last week.
Her: Let me see. (peers closely, runs some tests) The problem is that the crack was so close to your nerve. Let me drill down the tooth a bit and see if that helps. (40 seconds later) Bite down and tell me how that feels.
Me: (complies) No pain!
Her: (laughs) OK, you’re all done then.

So, repairing my tooth took two visits, $120 of copay, almost six hours of total time, and 40 seconds to fix the initial repair.

That seems on brand for me.

Her: My hair smells like smoke now. Yuck!
Me: Well, you are “The Firecracker.”
Her: (laughs) Please use that in the blog.

If you’re not from NYC, then you may or may not know that there are these MASSIVE wildfires – 150 to be exact – burning in Canada, with their smoke hitting NYC and hard.

Yesterday, the boy’s school had a pizza party in the school yard when the boy started screaming something and pointing at the sky; right after he started, the rest of his friends joined in.

What were they pointing at, at 6PM? The sun, which looked like an orange fireball.

This picture really doesn’t do it justice.

Everything was normal until about then, when he started coughing and I did as well and a thick smog came down on top of us with the whole yard smelling like a campfire.

We quickly left and went home – this is what it looked like at 6:48 last night.

The next morning, this is what it looked like in the Upper West Side.

Made the kid wear two masks to school while I wore an N95 mask.

I’m heading away with the Firecracker and the kid this week so I figured I should hit up the gym while I could, so off I went.

When I got there, I was already breathing heavily. This is what it looked like when I arrived.

Chad had, smartly, kept the windows and doors shut and the ACs running so we were able to get in a good workout.

But after just three rolls, I was completely spent and left.

Union Square looked like the first or second circle of hell – this is it at 1:49PM.

Hightailed it home to grab the kid from school.

Normally, I try to spend at least an hour outside with him so he gets some fresh air and exercise but there was no fresh air to be had.

I – like almost all of the other parents – quickly grabbed the kid and headed home.

Kept him indoors until it was time for his afterschool, took the bus there (we usually walk), took the train back alone, then did the same thing again 90 minutes later when his class was done.

Both he and I felt pretty run-down the entire day. I had an itchy throat and eyes while he kept complaining his chest and stomach hurt.

Hopefully, by the time you read this, things are much better.

Location: my pad, wondering if tomorrow will be better or worse
Mood: cough-y
Music: your eyes had a mist from the smoke of a distant fire (Spotify)
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Gird your loins, Logan

What does it mean to be human?

Me: Shoot, he got sick again. Gotta do another load of laundry. I’m exhausted.
Her: Gird your loins, Logan.
Me: Wait, wha?
Her: Gird your loins, Logan!

It was a super busy weekend with the kid because he had a birthday party to go to as well as a class spring fair, like last year.

During onea those two things, he musta caught a stomach bug because the rest of the weekend was pretty gross.

And by that, I mean it was really gross. Did like five or six loads of laundry in two days.

The Firecracker was over working on a few things so she gave us a lotta advice and moral support, both of which were greatly appreciated.

While walking the other day, I saw a firefighter walking a dalmatian.

Me: Dude, I’m sorry but do you mind if I take a photo of you? I’ve never seen a firefighter with an actual dalmatian.
Him: Sure!

Not something you see every day, here in the big city.

The kid had a field trip to the Museum of Natural History the other day and I volunteered to be a chaperone.

I came across that sign that you see above and it really made me think.

If this blog is about anything, it’s about what it means to be human.

There was a lot more I wanted to write about this but I suppose I’ll do that some other time.

Speaking of being human and gross things, gotta say that humans are pretty darn gross.

Case-in-point, the Firecracker loves trashy reality show television and her latest viewing pleasure is that of Dr. Pimple Popper, which – if you’ve never seen it – don’t start now.

Her: (searches for the right episode) OK, this guy…yeah that’s exactly what I had in mind. (presses play)
Me: OK…doesn’t seem…is that guy…OH MY GOD!
Her: It gets worse. Wait for it…
Me: Why are we watching this?! Oh my god, it got worse!
Her: It’s like a train wreck you just can’t stop.
Me: Make it stop!

I think I’ll skip eating entirely tomorrow.

Location: her place, watching something super, super gross
Mood: grossed out
Music: Ain’t nothing gonna stop me in my pursuit (Spotify)
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A Double Date

In the Upper Best Side

Him: Hey, Logan, how are things on your end? I can leave any time – will take me 15 mins [to get to you].
Me: Just smashed a coffee glass. Let’s meet there at 5:20? So if you leave in 10 mins that would be a 15 min travel time? I cannot be left alone, clearly.
Him: (laughs) OK for 5:20.

The boy was away for a few days so I ended up meeting with the Frenchman at Playa Betty‘s the other night.

I’ve said many times that the food there isn’t good but the drinks are so we went mainly so I could get a drink or four into me over a happy hour.

Which is not to say that we didn’t eat.

He and I chatted about something that I’ll probably talk to you about later but that’s a longer discussion.

In any case, after about an hour of catching up, his wife, Tess, came by to join us and the Firecracker and her showed up almost exactly at the same time.

Everyone seemed to get along really well.

Him: My son just roams New York City now.
Me: I’m so unprepared for that right now.

It’s weird because for the past few years, I was hanging out with a buncha people much younger than me.

Hanging out with peers and old friends again has been refreshing for me.

Tess and the Frenchman were talking about potentially leaving the Upper East Side so the Firecracker and I tried to convince them to move into our area.

Firecracker: It’s the Upper BEST Side.
Me: It really is!

So, when we left, I walked them by this gorgeous bank that converted to condominiums.

Me: Just think about it.
Him: (laughs) Sure.

After they took off, I walked the Firecracker home.

Her: Your friends are great – I really like Tess! (later) Thanks for a nice night, Lo.
Me: Same, Firecracker. Same.

Location: West 66th Street Post Office, after the gym today
Mood: pensive
Music: kinda want this night to change right now (Spotify)
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My 2023 Memorial Day with friends

Offsetting

Me: You know, when I’m free at night, I’m usually just sitting around reading IP law or something equally dorky. It’s not like I’m out cavorting with women
Her: (look of disgust) You better not be cavorting, because if you’re cavorting, I’m aborting [this relationship].
Me: Oh my!

Like last year, I spent part of Memorial Day with my college friends at their pad out in Long Island.

The last time I was there, was almost a year ago – man, how quickly time flies these days – for the BJJ competition that I was part of.

This time, though, things were pretty different. For one, the kid was away in NJ with my in-laws but the Firecracker and her kid joined us.

The Firecracker’s kid wanted to check out the new LIRR station at Grand Central, so we went there first…

…it was enormous.

We got to the train without issue and, some 90 minutes later, we were at my friends’ place.

Most of them met her during the 90s party but this time, we were out for most of the day so everyone had a lot of time to get to know each other.

The kids all got along great.

Most of the people there were Asian so there was an educational portion of the BBQ, which was teaching them how to play beer pong.

Sans beer of course. We’re not monsters.

Well, they’re not.

One buddy Bill and I were the only adults that went into the pool.

While I was doing that, my buddy Rick was prepping the branzino for the grill…

…he did a really good job…

…although the kids were only interested in the prototypical Memorial Day BBQ fare.

Which I ate as well…but with the low-carb wraps I brought.

Him: Logan, you know all the chips that you’re eating have carbs in them too, right?
Me: I’m offsetting, dude!

I was mainly waiting for the serious meats to make an appearance…

…which they did…

…and then some.

By the time the soup came out, I was beyond stuffed.

But, in my defense, I didn’t have any dessert.

I didn’t have any of the dessert because one of the people there had a peanut allergy and I can’t eat sweets without offsetting the impact of them with peanut butter.

(No, seriously, it does – peanut butter is my secret weapon to stay slim while eating sweets).

Her: This is called a “lobster tail,” Logan.
Me: I could go for a real lobster tail right about now, to be honest.

It was a great and long day; it was so nice to see my friends so regularly and with the Firecracker in tow.

Me: So, what do you think kid? Did you have a good time?
Her kid: Yes!
Me: Maybe we’ll go again next year if they invite us?
Her kid: (nods, smiles)

By the time you read this, May will be over.

I’m still here. This is a pleasant surprise. At least, to me.

Location: my gate today, realizing someone ripped the lock off of it because of sheer stupidity
Mood: so, so, so, so, so irritated
Music: happy, like the first day of summer (Spotify)
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Two parades, two bars, two medical visits

And one Scenic Fights shoot

It’s been a weird few weeks.

It all started when I was rolling with my friend Lau, who’s a smaller female in my gym class. Because she’s so much smaller than me, I try to just focus on technique rather than brute strength to win.

One day, we had this exchange:

Me: I left my mouth guard at home so let’s go easy today, ok?
Her: Sure, sure.

Welp, that didn’t happen at all and she went full on aggro, ended up with her accidentally slamming her head up my jaw and cracking a molar.

Was in pain for a while because I had to wait a few days to see the dentist and then lost an entire afternoon to get it repaired.

Unfortunately, it’s still pretty painful so I’m guessing I’m gonna have to see the dentist again.

Dentist: Now how did this even happen?
Me: Well, my female friend slammed her head into my jaw and cracked it.
Her: (shocked) Does that happen a lot to you?
Me: (shrugging) More than you might imagine.

Oh, and it cost me $120 of copay. So. Annoyed.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only person in our two-person-family that had a medical issue come up; the kid was coughing consistently for a short spell.

One night, he was coughing so much that I got so worried – because of what happened with both Alison and my dad – that I couldn’t sleep.

So, the next day I had him skip the morning of school for him to get checked out.

But everything turned out fine.

Doc: His lungs sound congested but fine. You can give him some allergy pills, some hot steam baths, or do nothing.
Me: I tend to lean toward the last one.
Her: (laughs) That’s a totally valid response here. He’ll be fine.

Did manage to have a nice night out with the Firecracker at an upscale bar BUT some loudmouth started screaming at his friend at the top of his lungs right next to us.

I found it particularly annoying because the last time I was in that bar was with Alison almost a decade ago.

I’d avoided going in all this time just because I didn’t think I could handle it; it was one of the very last times we had gone out for a celebration.

But the Firecracker was super cool about everything and insisted we go to another – much more mellow – a dive bar around the way.

It was much better for a number of reasons, least of which was that it was sans loudmouth.

Completely randomly, I found myself blocked by two different parades on two different days.

One was the Japanese Day parade, where I had to go up two more blocks than I wanted to get into the park and then four more blocks than I wanted to get out of the park.

The other was another parade outside of Paxibellum after we did a Scenic Fights shoot.

Like I said, it’s been a weird few weeks.

But, I did manage to have a nice Memorial Day weekend.

Suppose I’ll tell you about that in the next entry.

Location: a California beach taco joint, having some rum and chatting about living above a bank or a converted department store in Union Square
Mood: slightly drunk
Music: don’t you know, life’s too short to take it slow (Spotify)
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A celebration and then karaoke

So funny and great

After the Hudson Yards, the Firecracker invited my brother and his girl to a celebration that she was having.

I got there first, where I met a whole buncha her friends, including another lawyer.

Him: …Yale. You?
Me: Cornell. Which, in the original Algonquin, I believe means, “Couldn’t make it into Yale.”

It was a pretty low-key thing at a local bar that I’d been to tons of times before.

Had my fill of bar food. Well, I had bar food. I coulda eaten more.

The Egyptian boyfriend of one of her friends and I got to talking about food.

Him: It’s not Egyptian but if you like shawarmas the best places are in Astoria.
Me: Way ahead of you, man.

I would honestly go to Europe just to eat shawarmas/gyros everywhere.

It was fun and everyone was nice but then it was time for us to leave.

I expected to head home afterward but my brother and his girl wanted to go to karaoke so who was I to tell them not to?

Brother: Wait, do you wanna come?
Me: Well, I don’t *want* to come but…
Firecracker: Karaoke!
Me: Yes?

So, the Firecracker and I went with them to midtown.

After just a few minutes, we found ourselves at a joint called Duet 53 where everyone sang a song and I tried to finish a huge bottle of sake.

Couldn’t do it.

My brother and his girl hung out until 6AM – hoo-boy – but the Firecracker and I called it by 1AM.

Although, she would probably had stayed out if given the option.

Her: Ready to go home, old man?
Me: God, yes…

Interestingly, on the way back home – in the middle of the night – met another couple who saw my cousin’s show on Broadway, Shucked.

She raved about it.

Woman: You have to see it now, before it wins a buncha awards and tickets are sold out everywhere.
Me: Oh, that’s high praise, I’ll definitely need to tell my cousin.
Her: And watch it! It’s so funny and great.
Firecracker: We should go see it!
Me: (laughing) Ok, ok, I’ll try to get us some tickets.

Like I always say, New York City’s like a small town a lot.

Location: Janovic paints, buying new paint for my apartment.
Mood: grateful I survived another May
Music: I’ve never lived a simple life (Spotify)
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Catching lunch at the Hudson Yards

A last-minute get-together

Her: At least you can drive.
Me: Drive? I’ve been driving for 35 years.
Her: (laughing) I was barely alive when you started driving! (laughing harder) I’m dead, I’m dead.
Me: (grumble)

My brother was in town again with his new girl…

…so, the Firecracker and I met up with the two of them at Hudson Yards, along with KTO.

It was a very last minute thing since we weren’t planning on meeting up until later in the week but everyone just happened to be free that day so off we went.

Haven’t been to Hudson Yards in a while for a buncha reasons but I was looking forward to going for the first time in a long while.

We met up at Mercado Little Spain there and had some tapas, again.

I’d never been before but it was essentially the entire basement area in one of the buildings so that was surprising.

Ended up having some mussels…

…and a killer mushroom, onion, and date sammie.

Afterward, we all piled into a bus that brought everyone to another restaurant directly across the street from the Firecracker – which was totally by happenstance.

Later on that week, the Firecracker had a small celebration of her own for personal reasons and my brother and his girl came out for that.

But I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.

May’s almost over. I’m relieved.

Location: My basement, taking measurements and hoping for the best
Mood: hating today
Music: I will love you until my dying day (Spotify)
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Capital Grille and Woolworths

(c) Francis Gaffney

Reinventing ourselves

My particular area of the law has been busy lately so I met up with my boss to just talk shop.

He had reservations for us at Capital Grille; I’d never been before.

The ribeye was calling out to me…

…along with a drink…

…or two.

Can’t really discuss what we talked about due to the nature of the work but I suppose I could tell you story instead.

Him: Let me bring you back 15 years, Logan…
Me: Oh, sweet! Storytime!

(c) Francis Gaffney

When I was a kid, there was a Woolworth’s in Flushing Queens that I used to go to alla time.

It was one of the bigger ones out there, so it had the full diner inside, complete with the classic counter stools. Think I ate there a few times, when I had a couple of bucks.

It wasn’t bad but it definitely wasn’t no Capital Grille, lemme tell ya…

In the basement was a petstore, with some of the most ratty and messed up animals you’d ever see.

I remembered that there was once a one-eyed parakeet for sale, and I remember thinking, who on earth would want that?

Turns out, no one did, which is why they’re not around anymore.

It closed in 1997.

Actually, that’s not true.

Woolworths is still around, if you know where to look. In fact, you might have been in one recently.

See, the company is still around, they just changed their name to: Foot Locker.

It’s funny.

Woolworth started in 1879, bought Kinny Shoes in 1963, and created Foot Locker outta that in 1974, and then – because it was its only division doing gangbusters – just decided to change their name from Woolworth to Foot Locker.

That’s kinda how I feel.

I assume you know me because of this blog I’ve had for close to 20 years, so maybe you think of me first as a writer.

And my former clients and coworkers know me as a pretty good lawyer.

But 423,000 people know me as the guy that teaches people how to fight with weapons on Scenic Fights.

And I’m alla those things and more.

After all, we reinvent ourselves over and over again.

But, I like to think that the core of who we are is consistent.

Boss: …anyway, that’s what I thinking. So, how’s your son?
Me: (big smile) He’s…great. So great. We’re a family of two. It’s not what I planned but he makes it all worthwhile.

Location: being pulled out of a bar on Amsterdam by the Firecracker because someone was asking to see what I could do
Mood: complex
Music: Had me at hello, 你好 (Spotify)
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