Tag: family

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His first piñata

A weekend with the boy

It was a gorgeous spring weekend this past weekend in NYC so I brought the kid out to as many things as I could while I could.

The first was a dance class that French Dancer actually taught with him and his friends, courtesy of the surgeon and his wife. They seemed to all have a good time.

She and I keep saying we’ll meet up for some coffee but, considering that she’s in her 20s, that would just be for the company. I’ll let you know how that goes.

The next day was a school fair where he asked, repeatedly, to get dunked…

…I ultimately relented and let him do something where a bucket of water was dumped on his head. He loved it.

All-in-all, we were there for a solid four plus hours and he had a blast. My only hope is that he has some nice memories of it.

If nuthin else, he got to spend a lotta time with his friends, which was sweet to see.

He also had some hot dogs – again –  and chicken to boot. I didn’t really want him to have them but he made a compelling point.

Him: Papa! It’s a fundraiser!
Me: Fiiiine. I’ll go get them for you.

The next day, we went to a playground where he made some new friends…

…and then we tried out his new bike, that was slightly too big for him but I figure he’ll grown into it…

…and then a birthday party with two of his classmates (twins – man, do I know a lotta twins in the world).

That piñata was a huge hit.

Huge.

All-in-all. It was a pretty sweet time with the kid this past week.

I  wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

He grabbed a ring pop outta the piñata. This is the aftermath.

Gotta say, I’m doing much better – mentally – now that May’s over.

Hoping this summer’s gonna be very different from the past few summers.

I’m looking for some joy and kindness if I can find it.

I do have some leads this time around, though.

Her: I’m bored. Come keep me company.
Me: Hard to resist an invitation like that, darling.

Location: earlier today, in Paxi for six hours total
Mood: optimistic
Music: You take my grey sky and turn it into blue (Spotify)
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Memorial Day Weekend 3: PSA – Recognizing a drowning victim

Drowning doesn’t look like drowning

Mentioned before that the kid “graduated” his swimming class recently – which means he can do some basic floating and kicking.

Well, when we first got to my buddy’s pad and the boy saw the pool, he was so excited that he cannonballed right into the deep end of the pool.

Luckily for both of us, I had already emptied out my pockets and taken off my shirt so I immediately dived in after him and hauled him out.

He was SUPER upset and wanted to get outta the pool but after a few minutes, calmed down and was back in the pool for a bit.

I’d gotten dressed and was chilling with my friends but kept an eye on him for the remainder of the day.

After a while, we both relaxed and I proceeded to absolutely crush whatever food was offered.

While I was doing this, the kid had climbed on top of a clear banana float. Almost as soon as he got on, he slipped off in the middle of the pool, which was still over his head.

I saw him go under and he exhibited all the classic drowning signs – which, if you don’t know, look nuthin like in the movies.

Here they are, for your edification, alla which the kid displayed perfectly.

        1. Mouth at water level, bobbing in and out of the water
        2. Arms out to the side.
        3. Head tilted back.
        4. Vertical body
        5. Gasping for breath.
        6. NO SOUND!

When someone is drowning, they’re desperately trying to breathe so there’s no chance to yell out, “Help.”

But as soon as I saw that he exhibited all six signs, I dove in after him, fully dressed.

This is what we looked like a few minutes later.

The whole process – my assessment and then going in after him – took less than two seconds but it felt like an eternity.

I pulled him out, sputtering, for the second time that day but this time there were no tears or crying.

He simply looked at me and said, “I’m sorry you had to get your shirt wet to save me.”

I wanted to cry. Partly because I’m always terrified of something happening to him, and partly because – goddamn, what a sweet little kid.

He almost drowns for the second time with me and is worried about me messing up a $20 tee-shirt. This is kid is gold.

Me: It’s fine. This my job. I’m here to take care of you.
Him: OK, papa. Thank you.
Me: I love you, kid. Let’s not scare papa like that again, ok?

Think that one of the hallmarks of good friends is that they try their best to make life annoying for you.

Case in point, there was a twisty slide that you can see in the above photo that the kid loved going down.

But, because it was at the deep end of the pool, I had to literally catch him and carry him all Lion-King-like to the shallow end of the pool.

Rick: (to my son) Do you want to go down the slide? Your daddy will catch you.
Me: What? No!
Him: Yay! Slide!
Me: (to Rick) God, I hate you.
Rick: (to son) It’s fun right!?

I did that half a dozen times before Gar’s wife, Wynn, gave him a life vest and I could go back to day-drinking.

He literally spent the next three hours climbing up the ladder, counting down 5-4-3-2-1, and then going down the slide.

When I was a very little kid, I remember my mom in either a pink or white dress and her suddenly jumping into a pool while we were on vacation somewhere.

Turns out that it was my kid sister drowning and my mom sprang into action. There’s nothing quite like a parent’s love for their child, which makes the recent national events in Texas all the more gutting.

In any case, all these years and decades later, and I still remember well when my mom saved my sister.

I suspect this past weekend will join it as one of my fondest memories.

Him: Do we have to go?
Me: All good things come to an end at some point. But we’ll do this again.
Him: Promise?
Me: (nodding) Absolutely.
Him: I’m sorry about your shirt.
Me: Don’t be. As long as you’re ok, I’m ok. OK?
Him: (nodding) OK.

Location: tonight, a party in midtown with PT Steve
Mood: grateful
Music: why you gotta be so in between loving me and leaving (Spotify)
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Memorial Day Weekend 2: Adventure!

The Basics

The Acrobat came into the city for something and we met up for a quick drink.

Her: What are you looking for, anyway?
Me: The basics. Like…really basic, basic. Someone that wants to just hang out with me and boy that we just wanna hang out with.
Her: (laughing) You want more than that.
Me: Not really. I don’t want to deal with ex-boyfriends, emotional hangups, etc. I just want someone with a good job and/or ambition, a basic – basic – sense of loyalty, kindness, and baseline communication skills.
Her: That’s a lot, Logan.
Me: (sighing) These are the basics, Acrobat. I’m just looking for someone that’s on my side, who’s side I wanna be on too.

The next day, I met with with my college friends out in Long Island, after my mother-in-law dropped off the kid with me.

Him: (sadly) I miss Grandma already.
Me: But I have a surprise for you.
Him: Really? What?
Me: Adventure! Let’s go.

Just 30 minutes later, we were on a train headed pretty deep out there in Central Islip.

My college buddies have been inviting us for years but the timing was never right.

That plus I was mainly trying to drink myself to death for a while, but let’s keep this entry positive.

Still, the timing wasn’t right this time around either but, because of changes in the weather and people getting COVID, we actually made it happen.

After a 77 minute ride, my buddy Gar picked me up in his whip – a gorgeous AMG – and soon, I was surrounded by people I’ve known since I was a teenager.

Me: He’s been reading this joke book to me, recently. For example, what’s brown and sticky?
Him: Oh, no! (thinking) Poop?
Me: Nope, a stick!
Him: (laughing) That’s a good clean joke.

I was there 50% for my friends and 50% the food, which was just killer, and divided into four parts:

The American BBQ part – mainly for the kids, which I didn’t know – with burgers, hot dogs, chips, potato salad, and a crudité platter…

…the seafood part…

…the Korean BBQ part…

…and last, but def not least, the dessert part.

Now, the issue was that, while I assumed there would be a dessert part, I was not apprised that there would be the two other parts so I really ate waay more burgers and hot dogs than I shoulda.

Him: Wait, you didn’t know there was seafood and Korean BBQ coming up? That stuff was for the kids.
Me: Dammit! Well, I do now! It’s fine, I can pack it in.

And I really did.

The thing about my kid is that he’s really starting to eat like me, which is not really a good thing, because he eats in quantity.

Like, a ridonk amount of food for such a little kid.

This time, however, he ate almost nuthin for close to four hours. Why?

Because this was his first experience with a private heated pool where he didn’t have to fight a clock or a million other kids.

So, he went in and stayed in.

In fact, long after all the other kids left the pool, this kid was by himself for two hours in the pool, happily swimming this way and that.

There’s more but this is getting long so I’ll tell you about that later, including the part where he almost drowned.

Twice.

Here’s a song to keep you entertained until then:

Location: taking the Q at 14th to see one lady while thinking of taking it to see another
Mood: happy
Music: can’t start a fire sitting around crying over a broken heart (Spotify)
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Memorial Day Weekend 1: Putting on our administrative hats

$10 and a six-piece Chicken McNuggets

The Boy: How do you clean a tuba?
Me: With a tuba paste.
Him: Correct!

I dropped off the kid with my in-laws the other day and, after some food and computer repairs, high-tailed it back home to try and make my gym class.

Me: So, should I mail you the bill for the computer repair or just email you a PDF?
Her: Why don’t we call the child-care and computer repair a wash, Logan?
Me: (laughing) Fair. Thanks, mom.

Unfortunately, there was an hour delay due to a fire in the tunnels on the NYC side, while rain was coming down on the tracks on the other side.

It was something else.

Debated not going into Paxi but went in anyway. On the way in, I ran into Mouse, who was also late, and we ended up paired together for part of the class.

It was nice to spend some time with her, I gotta say. I asked her to give me a lift back but she declined. I understood.

It took a few years but I’m trying to accept the world as it is, not as I wish it to be.

Which was the core of who I once was before I lost everything.

Making it home, I broke my fast – because I hadn’t eaten since 4PM and it was 9PM – and ate four burgers.

It wasn’t my proudest moment.

The next day, I met with a friend of mine…

Her: Do you want to make out?
Me: Sure.

…and also arranged to see the Counselor.

Her: I’ll see you around 8:30?
Me: Yup! By mine?
Her: Yes.

We ended up catching Uncharted but our phones kept going off.

Me: These damn dating apps are always trying to get me to spend money.
Her: Weird, I don’t get that problem.
Me: You’re a woman, you don’t need to. Didn’t you say you had 1,800 messages/likes on one of them?
Her: God, it gives me anxiety whenever I think of it. I just delete the apps and start over again.

Later, we somehow got onto the topic of injuries. She actually had far more than I had expected and I think she was unprepared for how many I had.

Her: Whoa. Was all that from fighting?
Me: Well, that’s what I tell people but the vast majority of them are because I’m super clumsy.

It took us a while to watch the film because, not only were our phones going off, I kept stopping to talk about random things.

Me: Have you ever heard of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon; once you see something, you can’t unsee it. Well, I was telling my son about water barrels the other day…
Her: How do you know all this stuff, Logan?
Me: I don’t have many friends.
Her: (laughing) I doubt that. I think you might be a little ADD.
Me: (shrugging) Maybe. (later) Wait, how much was your haircut?
Her: OK, in my defense, it’s been a while since I had a proper haircut. (pause). $X00.
Me: $X00! Jesus Christ. Listen, next time, I’ll cut your hair for $10 and a six-piece Chicken McNuggets.

That was the second time in 24 hours a pretty lady declined a generous offer from me.

Which is probably for the best because we ended up killing what was left of my good rum and I was likely to try and re-cut her hair that night.

Me: (very drunk) I have some administrative things for us to discuss.
Her: (equally drunk) OK, let me put on my administrative hat.
Me: Oooooh, lemme get mine on too…

Location: earlier today, saving him from drowning in Long Island
Mood: protective
Music: momma always said, “Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day” (Spotify)
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It’s always devestating

Honest and for true

Her: Do you want some cherries?
Me: Sure, rum if you have it, or beer – ideally light, since I’m watching my weight.
Her: Wait, I asked if you wanted cherries.
Me: (shrugging) I’ll just have any beer you have then.
Her: (laughs and gets two beers)

The boy just “graduated” his swimming class the other day

I remember learning how to swim at the YMCA on Northern Boulevard in Flushing, Queens.

Seems like a lifetime ago. Suppose it was.

He kept asking me to go to his last swimming class and the fact he so wanted me to be there was endearing. I couldn’t say no.

Him: You promise you’ll come?
Me: Yes.
Him: You swear?
Me: I do. But I don’t need to. I wanna see you swim.
Him: Really?
Me: (nodding) Honest and for true.

He got a certificate at the end of it and he stared at it with such joy and wonder that I wished, so badly, that Alison or someone was there with me to see how happy and proud he was, insteada just me.

Him: (noticing my face) You’re not happy that I finished?
Me: No, it’s not that at all. (smiling) Sorry, papa was thinking of something else. I’m super proud of you, kiddo.

Around the anniversary of Alison’s passing this year, the ABFF suggested we take the kids out for ice cream.

She actually got some balloons for the kids to write messages for Alison on and released them on her roof.

I didn’t go with them because I’d been pretty raw for a while.

It was touching, though, to see how much the ABFF loved Alison. I remember Alison telling me once how special she was to her as well.

Life is hard without your people. It’s always good when you find members of your tribe.

And it’s always devastating when you lose them.

We’re just left picking up the pieces.

Her: I’ll get some wine.
Me: I only like really sweet wines.
Her: Like what?
Me: Get a Moscato because I’m secretly a 65 year-old suburban Italian woman.

Read this report that people that lose meaningful relationships have long term mental, physical, and emotional issues – the more relationships you lose, the worse off you are in all three.

Couldn’t find that specific report but it’s pretty clear that good relationships lead to better lives all around.

And bad or no relationships lead to just awful lives.

In 2017, I lost both Alison and my dad, and I don’t think I’ve been anything close to who and what I used to be.

Just losing one would have been devastating but to lose them both within 90 days was more than I could bear, I think. Pretty sure I went a little starkers there.

Don’t really recognize who I was during that time, but I’m not sure who and what I am now.

Hope, whoever I end up being, it’s someone good. For the kid, if nuthin else.

I’m running outta time.

Location: earlier today, telling him not to be afraid of his dark room
Mood: messy
Music: look at our life now, all tattered and torn (Spotify)
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Dear Alison, it’s 2022…

It’s been five years

Dear Alison,

It’s been five years since you died. Half a decade. That blows my mind.

This May is better than it’s been in the past, which – honestly – isn’t saying all that much.

The boy and I both miss you terribly. Well, I do. He misses a daydream of what he thinks you are. If only he knew how much better you really were.

The place is a mess but I’m trying my best. I just started making my bed, though. It only took 49 years.

God, you’d love this kid so much, honey.

He’s made of peanut butter and awesome. He can sing! Like, legit sing and play an instrument. No lie.

I’m so proud of him, I could burst, babe. You would be too.

I love him like a fat kid loves cake.

I love him because, he’s ours.

There’s so much more – good and bad – but I’m tired. I try my best not to think of you because things go dark when I do and I can’t go dark with the boy around.

I am his guard, after all. I have a job to do.

So I busy myself all these ridiculous things like strangers, Scenic Fights, and Paxibellum, but I’m just passing the time. Honestly, I would have been thrilled if I had the chance to spend the rest of my life just being your big-headed husband and the boy’s papa.

That would have been glorious.

Do you remember that stupid Blackadder joke I told you about years ago?

Him: Life without you is like a broken pencil.
Her: (puzzled) Explain?
Him: Pointless.

I think about that joke almost every goddamn day.

But lately, as always during this time, I find myself wishing that you were here and I was not. But, you knew that. You always loved life so, whereas, I always just loved you.

I’m going to put you away in my head again because I have to. It’s the only way I’ve made it this far. It’s the only way I can do my job.

But I’ll love you until the end of the world.

You knew that too, I suppose.

I miss you so much. It’s agony.

Our boy is the only thing that keeps me here. Because, I hate it here without you.

It’s all so pointless. It’s all so fucking pointless.

The Hubs

In My Life

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

 

Location: my possible pasts
Mood: heartbroken
Music: Not for better (Spotify)
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All sheen and no substance

Bet

Me: Sit down to eat your orange.
Boy: Why?
Me: I don’t want you to run around and choke on it.
Him: (rolling eyes) That’s never happened!

Don’t think things in the past are dispositive of things in the future, but I do think that they show probability.

Case in point, a month ago, wrote about the Empress Dowager and how the political corruption seemed eerily reminiscent of what’s going on in Ukraine now.

Back then, China’s navy – called the Beiyang Fleet – was supposed to be the largest fleet in Asia and the 8th in the world at the time.

According to all reports, it looked awe-inspiring.

But the basic purpose of a navy is to fight battles on the sea and, in this regard, it was all show. Because all the stuff you don’t see – ammunition, navigation tools, even basic training – was all lacking.

In other words, the Beiyang Feet was all sheen and no substance.

So, it seems the same with the Russian military machine.

Visually, its military looked formidable with modern looking tanks and such, but the less showy but equally important stuff was/is lacking.

Simple stuff like basic training, communication equipment, even navigation tools were all missing, which could explain how alla these career politicians like Putin could afford $700 million yachts.

Russian pilots are using store-bought GPS taped to their dashboards to navigate and Russian leaders are shooting their own wounded troops because they don’t have the basic medical supplies needed to save them.

And therein lies the problem with corruption, it hollows-out things of value from the inside so that everything looks good but it’s all for show.

Like I said, I don’t think things in the past are dispositive of things in the future, but I do think that they show probability.

Me: Past performance is no indication of future results. Sit down, eat your orange, and then you can play.
Him: Fiiiiine.

Me: Totally random but I’m gonna be taking my kid to Central Park on the east side on my bike today at around 5:30 or so if you’re out and about and want to randomly run into us.
Her: OMG, that sounds like so much fun!

Been biking around the city with the boy and we ended up on the East Side at some random playground not too far from the Counselor.

While we were there, the kid made friends with a little girl and they were having a pretty good time when I asked him to come over to do something for me.

He did and, presently, the little girl came over, put her hands on her hips, and exclaimed, “What’s going on here?! What’s taking you so long?”

That part made me laugh.

Counselor: I like her style.
Me: I can see the type of woman he’ll attract [in the future].
Her: Might run in the family.

It turns out that, of course, Heidi ended up going to Paris.

What’s with everyone heading to Paris, randomly?

Then again, I was actually planning on heading to Paris myself a few years back for some reasons that you wouldn’t believe if I told you.

I’m not even sure I believe it myself.

I laughed as I wrote this line because, man, I’ve been pretty starkers the past few years, lemme tell ya…

Pac: “Spam” stands for “specially proceed army meat.”
Me: Nope. It stands for “spiced ham.”
Him: Bet.
Me: $20 bucks says I’m not.
Tom: (looking it up) It stands for “spiced ham.”

As I said, I’ve been really busy lately, especially with Scenic Fights.

But, completely unrelated to it, Pac came by late two nights ago for me to fix up his laptop.

It was try number two, since the first time, we didn’t have the right items due to alla Apple’s proprietary nonsense.

We ended up trying to fix it for hours, without success. The thing about Pac is that he’s a man of his word. Without even asking, he Venmoed me $20 because of the Spam bet.

So, I told him I’d keep trying to fix his computer until it was done. It’s a gift for his dad, you see.

I know all about wanting to do stuff for people you care about.

Especially, when it comes to your parents.

And people that are more substance than sheen – like people that follow through with their commitments – get from me the most valuable thing I got besides the kid: My time.

Location: earlier tonight, just off Union Square, trying to rip off a friend’s lower leg
Mood: slightly less crazy
Music: Un peu naïve mais pas trop Pour ne jamais perdre la tête (Spotify)
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I’m a bitter person

Heidis

Last week was super busy. By design. Didn’t wanna have time to think.

We had a double shoot of Scenic Fights and will again this coming weekend. It’s been exhausting.

Brought the kid out to a diner and had brekkie with the ABFF around the way.

Her: You’re both having a burger for breakfast?
Me: (shrugging) It’s the breakfast of champions. Protein, fat, and fiber. What more do you need?
Boy: Burger! Burger! Burger!
Her: Wait, you gave it to him on whole wheat toast?! (to the boy) You know, in the real world, you have burgers on these fluffy, delicious…
Me: (interrupting) Stop undermining!

We almost had to reschedule the Scenic Fights shoot because I couldn’t find anyone to babysit the kid while we did the shoots but Pez came in and saved the day.

Her: Your kid is a RIOT!

He does have his moments.

After one shoot, we grabbed a quick drink before she left.

Me: I’m gonna warn you that it’s super sweet.
Her: (tasting the wine) Whoa, that is super sweet.
Me: Well, I’m a bitter person so…

She’s dealing with a whole raft of stuff, but that’s her story to tell. It was nice to catch up.

Which is less than I can say about the Counselor because we were trying to catch up most of the week. But, either something comes up with her or something comes up with me and we have to change plans.

We’re just two too busy people. Maybe this week.

Speaking of stuff to deal with, that girl Heidi, I mentioned, is dealing with some really crazy ones.

To the point that she dropped everything and high-tailed it to Europe for a spell.

Didn’t wanna pry but I’m gonna guess that she didn’t head to Ukraine.

Like Daisy, she’s dealing with a whole mess of things all at once but is trying to be better.

Me: Someone once said, “To try to be better is to be better.” So, I’m glad you’re trying.
Her: Thank you. I have a long way to go and I’m afraid I’ll never get there.

I give credit to people trying to be better. There’re few things more soul-crushing than to try and be told, repeatedly, that nothing is good enough.

Speaking of Heidis, I know a number of women with that name.

One is pretty well known in the cosplay circuit under the name Cosplay Kitten.

Her issues have been leaning towards horror; normally, I wouldn’t tell someone else’s story but she recently put up a GoFundMe for hers, which is cancer. It’s legit crazy how many people I now know with it or had it.

Anywho, if you want to toss some scratch her way, she’s a doll and could use the help here.

Getting back to Scenic Fights, there’s actually video connected to the podcast that mentioned last time, which you can see below.

It’s embarrassing because you literally just see the top of head for most of it.

But, it’s still better than nuthin, which is what happened earlier. See, this was actually the second one we did with these guys; the first one – which was better, IMHO – didn’t record properly so it was lost.

So, if you’ve not heard our podcast yet, here it is again in video. Enjoy my enormous head talking about nonsense.

Location: earlier today, just off Union Square, getting slammed to the ground by Pac
Mood: exhausted
Music: Let’s leave before we eat each other alive (Spotify)
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I found treasure

Aloha Teahouse

Mother’s Day was hard. Alison would have been 43 this week.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Counselor: How was your Mothers Day?
Me: It started off pretty bad but ended really amazing.
Her: Oh, why?
Me: (excitedly) I found treasure! Hold on, lemme show you!

While I saw my mom and sister’s family for Mother’s Day, my head was fulla Alison and my dad.

My sister asked that I help clean out the basement, which was mostly my dad’s stuff, but also some of mine and my brother’s randomness here and there.

I’ll tell you more about all that later but do you remember when I told you about the paper umbrellas and my dad?

Well, there’s a coda to that story: He had alla these scary, but cool looking, mugs and glasses that we weren’t allowed to use. Those were for the customers.

Only discovered when I was older that they were tiki mugs and my dad’s restaurant – called Aloha Teahouse – was fashioned after a Japanese hibachi restaurant and tiki bar.

Fast forward to last week. My sister wrote my brother and me that she found a whole box of these.

Sister: Finally giving away these mugs from Aloha Teahouse that dad kept in the garage.
Me: (shocked) Wait! Is there one I could have?! I didn’t realize we had these!

Evidently, they’ve been sitting in our garage since 1984 and I never knew.

Asked her to hold onto four of them for me and she did. My book bag was already stuffed to the brim with things to bring back to my pad, which I’ll tell you about later.

Mom: Just bring back the cups next time.
Me: I can’t. I’m worried they’ll break or they’ll be lost. I gotta bring them back now.

Took my time getting home because I had to manage the kid, all the junk I was hauling back, the food my mom and sister gave me, and the treasure in my bag.

After getting the kid settled and putting away the food, I gently washed each one of the cups and dried them. Once the kid went to sleep, I put all four of them onto the kitchen table and stared at them.

The last time I laid eyes on them was in 1980, 42 years ago.

I had never drunk out of any of them because my dad wouldn’t let me since we were so young.

Somehow, they gave me comfort. I still haven’t drank out of them yet but I will. Maybe in 42 years.

They made me feel like my dad was still around.

I’ve not seen nor spoken to Mouse in months.

But we used to have this thing that we used my little cubby in the gym as a dropbox; I’d leave her things like stuff she left in my house and she’d leave random things for me, like a magazine she knew I loved to read but never bought.

A few months ago, I came in and found these paper umbrellas there.

No real reason, she just decided to leave them there for me.

I asked her why later on – she didn’t leave a note or anything, but I knew it was her – and she said that she just wanted me to have them so I could make the kid a Shirley Temple and tell him stories of my dad.

And that, in a nutshell, is Mouse.

As for me, I think I will use them for exactly what she suggested.

Maybe even with these cups/mugs. Maybe.

Him: Why can’t I touch them?
Me: Because they’re from my papa. He’s not here anymore and I miss him so much that just having these make me think he’s here. Because they were his, so they’re special to me.
Him: (sadly) I don’t know why but that makes me sad. I’m sorry your daddy isn’t here. (thinking) Can I give you a hug?
Me: Heck, yeah – c’mere, kid!

Quick little admin note, Chad and I are in a podcast this Friday the 13th at 11AM so tune in and check us out?

Here’s where you can go:

APPLE PODCASTS: https://podcasts.apple.com/me/podcast/ikuzos-unscripted-podcast/id1586974342

SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3FLnOT2GnvWBh2aqJq0sR0?si=1tVpICTbSFKO_PCdThYISQ

GOOGLE PODCASTS: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy82YzBjYzhmMC9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw

DEEZER: https://deezer.page.link/kMHbvMuZ5Lw25ZaM6

INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/ikuzo_unscripted

WEBSITE: anchor.fm/ikuzounscripted

 

Location: 1979, a barstool in a hibachi restaurant on New York Route 141, drinking a Shirley Temple from a highball made by my dad
Mood: gutted
Music: I just wish I could have told him in the living years (Spotify)
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Categories
personal

What gets wetter the more it dries?

Unseeing things

Him: What gets wetter the more it dries?
Me: A towel.
Him: Correct!

It’s been a weird week, which sounds about right. Like always, I need to sort it all out.

Her: I just want to be normal and boring: A job that I sort of hate, two kids that have too many activities, and a husband that knows that when I make a certain favorite dinner of his, it’s my silent I Love You.
Me: Let me get the kid down and I’ll give you a quick ring. 
Her: Not best time to speak.
Me: OK, then we’ll try at some point. I’m sorry things are so hard.
Her: Thank you. I feel like you understand better than anyone else
Me: Like I said, grief and I are old friends. Take care of yourself.

For all the other single parents out there, I honestly don’t know how you do it. I’m tired all the damn time. Him getting COVID and missing a week of school didn’t help matters.

Still, I’m grateful that his COVID experience was radically different than mine. He was happy as a clam and at full energy levels.

Him: What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered?
Me: Hmm, I don’t know.
Him: Mount Everest!
Me: Clever…

He’s so full of energy and curiosity that it’s hard to manage. But I’m trying to see the world as he does – full of wonder and mysteries to be solved.

Him: (walking outside with me) How does water get into our apartment?
Me: (stopping) Do you see that wooden barrel on the top of that building? Ok there are two pipes inside, one small pipe that sends water up to the barrel. The second pipe is bigger and…
Him: (later) There are wooden barrel everywhere, papa!
Me: That’s called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon; once you see something, you can’t unsee it.

Therein lies my problem with life. I’ve seen way too much. I know too much.

As much as I’d like to unsee things, most times I can’t. Which is why I value the ability to forget so much.

I spend a lotta my time actively trying to forget things and people. To survive everything I’ve survived, I have to leave so many things I once loved in the past.

Man, to be like this kid and see the world for the first time. To get a do-over.

Him: What are those lines in the street for?
Me: It’s so the cars don’t hit each other. They’re called “lanes,” and people try to stay in them to keep everyone else safe.

I’m not sure how I could possibly be more jaded. Shit, the entire month of May is a reminder of things I’ve lost and try to forget.

Him: What do you have to break to use?
Me: Eggs.
Him: Correct!

As much as I take care of the boy, the boy takes care of me as well.

I can be coldly dispassionate about things but, with children, that’s not healthy. So, I find myself trying to be in the moment with him as much as I can – with optimism and joy, which is pretty much him in a nutshell.

Him: What has four legs, is green and brown, and would hurt you if it fell off of a tree?
Me: (thinking) I don’t know.
Him: A pool table!
Me: (laughing) Well, that’s just silly.
Him: (giggling) I know! A pool table!

I know he doesn’t know that I’m faking it.

But I worry that, someday, he will.

See, while I know a shitton of nonsense, people escape me.

I don’t get people. While I’m great with people, I don’t understand people.

That’s a whole entry in itself.

In some ways, I’m great with the kid because I talk to him the way I talk to most of the world, for better or worse.

Few people get my full dispassionate cerebration, otherwise, I’d just be alone again, like I was when I was a kid.

Him: What eats apples and books?
Me: A bookworm!
Him: Correct!

I remember watching Dexter with Alison in Bermuda and wondering if she made the connection that both that character and I (to a much lesser degree) fake so much of being normal.

If she did, she never let on.

Suppose, in the end, it didn’t matter.

As for the kid, all I really want is for this kid to be better, and happier, than I. At the very least, I hope and expect that he’ll get along with people as well as I do but he’ll understand them in a way I don’t think I ever will.

If wishes were horses, yeah?

Him: What building has the most stories?
Me: A library!
Him: You’re good at these, papa!
Me: (nodding) I spent a lot of my life thinking, kiddo. A lot of time alone with my thoughts. Something that I hope you won’t have to do.

Location: the basement of my brain again
Mood: dreading Mother’s Day
Music: Are we out of the woods yet? (Spotify)
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